The Doorway: a panfandom game

So today I went over to the university and sat in on a chemistry class out of curiosity. I nearly stood up to teach the class myself. I had higher hopes for that class; hopefully the other instructors are better.

Additionally, it's National Chemistry Week. I may have gone here and bought too many things, possibly.

This week has been CRAZY. First, Richard Simmons took my wife to Tibet on a spirit quest. Then, Jesse went missing, but not before asking me to fill in for movie night.

I know what you are wondering: how does this relate to me, Andy?

Well, if April was babysitting any of your kids, you should probably find someone else to do that so they are not alone. I mean, my dad left me and my brothers alone all day sometimes and we turned out okay, but there will definitely be more hospital bills. That stuff under the sink with the X on it looks delicious to baby eyes. Newsflash: it is not. Do not drink it.

And if you like movies, you should totally be perswayzed to come behold the wonder that is Road House this Friday night. In the words of someone who is not me, let me tell you why:

"The year was 1989. Communism was in its last throes and the decade of the 80s, a decade most notable for Miami Vice, Mr. T., Reaganomics and ending the Disco era, was winding down. Out of this darkness came a beacon for American pop culture. Out of the neon, the pastel colors and the Topsiders came Road House.

Road House isn't just a movie about a guy kicking the crap out of a bunch of henchmen at a bar in a small town in Missouri... okay, it is about that. But it's also so much more. Road House is mullets of various shapes and sizes. Road House is advanced martial arts showcased in a environment of beer cans and pool tables. Road House is using a Bigfoot in order to destroy a local car dealership. And finally, Road House is a philosophical journey into our inner soul.

Road House is not a movie. Road House is a film."

Is anyone else involved in a Fantasy Football league? Or perhaps enjoy football? Season started this week, properly. So far I'm doing all right at the one at work. I'm winning for now.

[Filter Sierra Group, Sidney, Ellie, James Rogers, J.D., Anakin]
I would like to hear how you're doing in your classes so far. If you were affected by the recent gas and need an ear, my door is open.

( Individual )

Umm, so does the stuff people got in the mail the other day actually belong to somebody else?

I mean, it's not like I got anything. Or used half of it. Or am using it right now.

But if I was, it would be because April and I thought it was a gift from the bunny in Donnie Darko because Jake Gyllenhaal is here.

[Filtered to Renee Montoya]

You are a cop or something, right? I have a police question. It is completely unrelated to the rest of this post.

So... I should probably feel compelled to weigh in on the Bat Affleck deal, right? I mean... I know Batman. He hates me. I can't say I'm too fond of him either. My best friend thought he was pretty cool though and he seemed to respect the bestie's abilities. Really. The only thing he found wrong with Ted was, well, me. Anyway, Batman's a jerk and Affleck can't do worst than Val Kilmer or George Clooney in the role, right? Just, you know, as long as they stay away from the rubber bat nipples.

So, yeah. Batman and Superman get their movies. Green Arrow has a television show. Meanwhile a Booster Gold television series is still a rumor around SyFy. If they go through with it do you think I can convince them to let me play myself?

[Backdated to Friday morning.]

Dear Internet,

I saw my dad today. Okay, that is not entirely accurate, because "saw" means before or not anymore, and I am still seeing him right now. Not this exact second because I am in the kitchen and he is watching the Colts beat the Bears in Superbowl XLI, but I am pretty sure that he is still there unless April is yelling crazy made-up swear words like "doucheturdweasel" at the TV in a man voice. This morning, we were playing football in the living room. I am awesomer at making touchdowns than him. I tried to throw a football at him and it just hit the wall and bounced off my nose. I think it is broke again, but I am not sure because I don't have much feeling in it since the Platypus Incident that the zoo said I am not allowed to talk about.

I tried to introduce him to April, but he did not say hi back. We were almost in a fight over the fact that he was being disrespective of my wife's honor, but then April told me that maybe dead people were deaf because they didn't bring their ears with them to heaven. I decided that she must be right, because my dad was never a jerk like that when he was alive, and I know that he would be proud of me for marrying someone who can drive to the Dollar Store three miles away without getting into a car crash. This is not because she is a woman, it is because it is an accomplishment that no man in my family has ever achieved.

He looks kind of pale, though. I think we should put him in a tanning bed.

Sincerely,
Andy

P.S. For those of you that were worried, Conquistador is fine. It turned out that he didn't eat the remote control after all. It was actually in the oven all along.

Time is running out if you want to learn how to fly a plane with me ... and a spaceship (Godsdamn, Tesseract). I'm not forcing you but rumor has it I'm good and if you want to be good, you'll sign up. If you don't want to be good, there are some other old viper jocks around here that can tell you all their sadsack tales of glory days. Really though, who gives a frak about that once you slide into the cockpit and go.

So think it over. I won't kill you ... too quickly. And maybe if you're good enough ... well. We won't go there yet. Let's see what you're made of first and foremost. Then we can talk about good enough. Because you might be good enough to fly but then again, you might be good enough to mop the hangar. We just have to see. And I'm not going to put anybody up in the air unnecessarily. So get ready to prove yourselves.

And surely Moya feels the same so don't go looking to her for comfort.

PS here is a real fact courtesy of my peach Snapple: George Washington took the oath of office in New York City in 1789.

Dear Internet,

I think our dog Conquistador ate the remote control. He is bad at sight so he probably thought it was a bone. We should probably take him to the vet so we don't miss Deal or No Deal. Also so he does not die. I would like to point out that this would not have happened if they'd let us keep the Gremlin, because Gremlins can digest anything. I know this because he ate my shoe off my foot so he could bite my ankle. I still have scars, but April says that they are love bites. I guess Nazareth was right: love really does hurt.

Yours,

Andy Dwyer

P.S. This also would not have happened if SOMEONE had made me my Iron Llama so I could take Conquistador to work with me. That someone's name rhymes with Bony Shark.

P.S.S. Sharknado is the best movie of all time.

I am so freaking tired of people dragging their ass in five minutes before my 14-hour shift is done and they don't have the decency to be dying of something interesting.

There is much talk of fireworks. I am quite fond of them from having seen them back home. They look almost like my own starbursts only in delightful pictures in the sky! I do wish to go see this display everyone seems to fond of speaking of.

Also I would like to inquire as to how to find gainful employment. When Beast Boy attempted such the world was nearly taken over by aliens who looked very much like tofu. I do hope that such a thing would not happen here.

[Door]

Do you perhaps wish to do the shopping with me?

Proust said that the novel is a mirror held up to life, and that the art is to be judged by the quality of the mirror, not of the life.

The cracked looking-glass of a servant, I suppose, is no good to anyone but me who is holding it. I've no time for a soliloquy. I've written for pages and pages and pages about what's important to me and no one else because there's truth in that. I can trust what I know, what I think I know and nothing else.

I'll tell you a sore truth, little understood
It's harder to leave, than to be left:
To stay, to leave, both sting wrong.

You will always have me to blame,
Can dream we might have sailed on;
From absence's rib, a warm fiction.

To tear up old love by the roots,
To trample on past affections:
There is no music for so harsh a song.

~John Montague.

Who: Andy Dwyer and April Ludgate-Dwyer
When: Now-ish
Where: Manhattan Animal Care Center
What: April and Andy had bad luck when they adopted a gremlin. Now, they're trying to get a dog... with particular qualifications.
Rating: PG for reference to slightly violent gremlin mayhem and general insensitivity

( If accidentally bathing an evil gremlin didn’t say 'you should adopt another disabled dog,' Andy didn’t know what DID. )

Hello, everyone. I'm Betty Ross and I'll be working at SHIELD as of... well, today, actually. I think. The training wrapped up last week but I think I still have a few loose ends. So you'll be seeing me around soon!

Hopefully none of you know my father, General Ross. And hopefully there are not alternate versions of me running around with a goatee.

I'm not really one for dancing, so forgive me if I didn't attend this prom thing. I didn't really like it when I was in school, I'm far too old for such things now. Unless Chuck was here. And then dancing was always a little hard for us. Unless she wore gloves...

Anyway, I spent the weekend perfecting our new special at the Pie Hole II:



Blackberry Chiffon pie. It's even better than it looks.

And for spring, I have a whole range of fresh squeezed lemonade spritzers; blackberry, strawberry, peach and raspberry.

You should definitely come down and enjoy a slice.

Private to Harry Potter

Maybe I could take you up on the drink. I could use some company.

Been thinking a bit too much about the girl back home.

The notion of celebrity in this world is an odd one. It is as odd as, I suppose, aliens nearly taking the world over and and a tesseract pulling the fictitious into reality could possibly be.

Children with their Captain America shields, their Hulk fists and their Iron Man masks cling to the notion that they are safe because these folks (these folks who more or less live in our building, excepting a few) watch over them. Clearly not very well, or this whole messy business would be fixed

And people need to believe that they are safe. From what, I ask? Perhaps from aliens, from trickster gods. From vampires. From the likes of us. Even we without powers are representative of danger; we drain resources, we shift attention, we sometimes delve too deep without meaning to at all.

It's the emulation that is - I think - perhaps the most interesting. Why just yesterday I counted no less than ten individuals crowded around the doorway in their best impression of Tony Stark's facial hair. It's really a very poor rendering but sweet that they try, all the same.

Nevertheless, I have determined that the only way to be of any use to anyone is to make nice with our folks who have the home-planet advantage. They are ever so nice for all of their fists and their "manscaping" ... and I embrace them with open arms. Where ever my talent lies in this world (Hermès gets a photoshoot for supplying me with a collection of scarves), I intend to use my own face for some modicum of good.

i'm a prophet of the lord.

or somebody else.

UHHHH I am pretty sure my fingers were bigger yesterday.

Is this punishment for starting that food fight???

Dear internet,

I think I have found a job. Perth the advice of Iron Man, I put an ad on Craigslist asking if anybody needed me to shine their shoes. I also included a picture. This did not go well the first time because I accidentally posted it in the personals section for Little Rock, Arkansas. A very nice lady asked me how much I charged for an hour and whether I did "in-calls," but I told her that my wife didn't have her dad's car here so I could not travel all of that way. She did not write back. But I tried again in the jobs section for Manhattan and another lady told me that I was welcome to shine shoes at a tall building that is a law office. I guess they don't have time to clean their shoes because they are too busy writing laws. Maybe if I do my job good enough, they will write a law that says April Is The Best And Everyone Should Do Whatever She Says. Otherwise known as the AITBAESDWSS Act. You should practice for when it becomes fact.

Dave Matthews rocks,

Andy

Failed filter to my wife April
HEY. So, I was thinking that it is kind of weird that we live in the same building but not in the same apartment, since we are married and have already had sex a lot of times. There are a lot of machines in my kitchen that I am afraid to touch. I don't know how to make chili in them, so I have been eating Slim Jims and Cap'n Crunch in a cup. Do you think we should live together again?

Failed filter to Tony Stark from the other day
I found some nails in an air vent. I think they are made of iron. Can you use them in the llama?

introducing april's babysitting service! get out and get away for a day or a week or whatever. trust april with your childrens' lives and don't worry about anything because she has lots of experience with keeping her little brat of a sister from dying. the details:

• will watch spawn for $$$ or will leave with totally awesome husband
  
• believes in positive reinforcement and capital punishment
  
• loving and kindly with a genuine fondness for children
  
• charges extra if you don't have a fireproof safe
  
• charges extra if you stock weird health food in your fridge
  
• charges extra if you don't have internet
  
• charges extra if you don't teach me how to do remove parental controls on the TV
  
• charges extra if you call me "dear"
  
• charges extra if your children can talk
  
• see ron for references
  
• will bmob
  
• i also watch pets
  
• i prefer pets

please inquire below for rates. children are the future. choose wisely.

I just had the CRAZIEST dream. All of the things that Ron and April said just happened in my brain. There was a wedding and a three-legged dog named Champion and me going to COLLEGE. After I find April and tell her that she is the best wife ever and make a wedding band out of a chain of daisies, I am going to find a college and try for a P-Plus.

I have also learned through my secret dream investigations that Chris is NOT an evil person who wants to take away Leslie's happiness. Sorry, Chris. You are a cool dude.

In unrelated news, Bert Macklin is the best FBI agent because he solved the Mystery of the Pie. If you would like to congratulate him on his amazingosity, I happen to know how to contact him.