The Doorway: a panfandom game

So when you're fielding calls and consults from New York's most legally challenged citizens twelve hour a days, six days a week ("calling before seven in the morning is a $500 surcharge" is a lot less effective but a lot more lucrative than you might think), sometimes you notice patterns. They probably don't mean anything. Science and statistics and all those other killjoy disciplines that tell me I can't do all the cool shit I wanted to do when I was a kid would probably argue that these things are flukes, and not the result of actual trends or Mercury being in retrograde or whatever.

But man, Geminis are really into drunk and disorderly behavior. Like, really.

In honour of my part in the upcoming production of Star Wars Shakespeare, I couldn't resist getting myself a present. "O help me, O-Bear-Wan Kenobi, help. Thou art mine only hope."

That being said, pardon my open letter to Build-A-Bear Workshop - If you wanted me to spend my most recent paycheck entirely on stuff from your store then you have me convinced. Please to be taking my money. Thank you, Mindy McCready

Now I don't have to file that lawsuit.

[ TONY STARK (MCU) ]

We need to talk about my performance bonus.

And maybe a renewed commitment to breathable fabrics.

[ ooc: Saul has been Polyjuiced into MCU Tony Stark for reasons. For all intents and purposes he appears to be Tony, but cannot read or reply to anything filtered to Tony Stark. ]

Man, that was the worst crowd at 230 5th I've seen in years. What happened to that place? I feel like my options have been cut back to "stay home" or "fly back to LA to hit Jumbo's Clown Room."

Which even to me seems like kind of a waste of fuel.

[Filtered to Saul Goodman]

You've been in meetings with Stark and I for the past two days and will be for the foreseeable future.

Bill us what you think is fair for the hours.

[Filtered to mages]

Does anyone have access to something like Polyjuice potion or shape-changing magic or something like that?

For today and possibly the next few days.

[Filtered to Piper Chapman]

Men. Can't live with them...

you know actually I could do fine without men.

[Filtered to Tony Stark (MCU)]

You better get your ass home soon.

THIS IS A MESSAGE TO ALL SURVIVING CITIZENS.

SURFACE STILL UNSAFE. STAY IN SHELTERS. THREAT CAME FROM THE SEA. REMEMBER MELBOURNE.

Heh. I bet everyone who signed up to take the bar exam on their laptops this year feels like a grade-A tool. Good luck with ExamSoft, you poor bastards. If it fucks you over, and takes all your ambitions and drops them into the void of the internet before they have time to hatch into blind little ambition grubs, well - welcome to The Profession.

You did it to yourself.

Oh god. It's been four years already?

Protesters... if the Hulk needs a lawyer, I know a guy.

Today, we dealt a small blow to the forces of injustice. Today, the men who think broken windows are the biggest problem with the world they live in, the guys who pay lip service to the American Dream, but not in their backyards, the fat cats who think freedom of expression is your right to put whatever you want on your billboard or bend over and spread your wallet as wide as it’ll go - today, they have to eat their vegetables with the rest of us. Because my client, Janet Vallencia, is back on the street.

And that’s where she belongs. Out in the world. Doing her thing. Giving a little something to the people of this amazing city who only get to see the outside of places like 432 Park, or One 57, or the rest of billionaire’s row. The art form that she allegedly partakes in is a public art form.

And the message she’s allegedly imparting is one they can’t stamp out. They can’t just paint over change. They can pull an Ashcroft and throw a dropcloth over justice, because they’re afraid of how it makes them feel all funny deep down inside, but they can’t stop what’s happening.

The world is a place full of people that don’t fit their cookie-cutter city-grid idea of what everyone should be. It always has been! And they’re here to stay.

And now they have a GoFundMe. Please give generously so Ms. Vallencia and all the men and women she allegedly speaks for can go unmolested by the idiots who thought it was a good idea to try to take away your Big Gulp.

[Saul Goodman]

bonjou -- I hear it told, you the man to speak to when it legal troubles, I havin'

[Storm, Mystique]

So it looks like our lil'painter friend there might be needin' some help getting out the big house.

Mystique an'I cooked up something might help. Wanted to know if you come shopping with me, Stormy. You got the good eye for the girl's best friend.

Lawyers, they don't come so cheap.

Well I think I've got this planet figured out, the card games I'm still getting a handle on.

So who's up for a few draws of poker? Say 50 dollar buy in? 8ish. Apartment 1602.

Who wants $80 and can do a parachute fall?

Some people might be pissed off at having to wait around past 11:30 for their 8:30 appointment, but not me! Who doesn't love sitting around a waiting room watching the anchors on NY1 go through the morning newspapers page by page? Seriously. This guy is reading me the headlines about the Rangers from the New York Post. On camera. This is the viewing choice for the front staff of the Mayor's Office of Film, Theater, and Broadcasting, by the way.

Capital of the world, over here. Greatest city on earth. If you can make it here, you're probably some politician's dopey cousin.

Also, while I'm here: which set of you weirdos do I see about vampire issues?

Paging Walter White

[Filtered to Young Allies, Jaina Solo]

The FBI raided Tiro al Segno. If we wish to do dinner before prom, I might suggest we skip pasta.

Which, do we?

[Filtered to Saul Goodman]

Theoretically, do you handle RICO cases?

Good news, everyone: I found my lucky tie.

A world without heroes is a scary place, isn't it? But the wrongfully-accused of this fair city can once again rest secure, knowing their champion is restored to his full potential. Your long night is over.

Or at least it will be, once the NYSBA approves my extraordinary motion for admission without examination. Schedule your consultations now!

Is it possible to be addicted to watching How To videos? Because I've watched like fifty in the past two days. I don't know when I'll ever need to make alcohol from scratch or escape a kidnapping, but I feel more at ease knowing I can if I ever have to. If you couldn't tell, I'm extremely bored. Someone give me something to do!

Finnick

We haven't talked in forever! How are you doing, Ferrero?

Peter Quill

Do you wanna go flying soon?

My dream of running into Warren Buffet on the street and convincing him to fund my ten-year Fijian artist's retreat has just been downgraded to ... seriously, who has money and actually lives in this shithole? David Koch?

Time to hit the scratchcards. Fuck you too, New York.

some russian asshole stole my name.

i need a lawyer to help me sue

no, not you, saul

Did your party get a little out of control? Under-21's sneak in uninvited? Cops' sense of humor prove unequal to the novelty brick of cocaine portion of your hilarious drug kingpin costume?

Did you get a little disorderly? Were words said, punches thrown, cars flipped, arsons committed that you'd take back if you could?

Have you been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Have you been accused of a crime you may not have committed? Was it the other guy in the Miley Cyrus costume? Could it have been?

DON'T GET TRICKED!



Remember, you have rights! When you wake up tomorrow in half a pirate hat and greasepaint you know you didn't do, keep your mouth shut, keep your pantaloons on, and call

(212) 555-SAUL
not toll free