I saw my dad today. Okay, that is not entirely accurate, because "saw" means before or not anymore, and I am still seeing him right now. Not this exact second because I am in the kitchen and he is watching the Colts beat the Bears in Superbowl XLI, but I am pretty sure that he is still there unless April is yelling crazy made-up swear words like "doucheturdweasel" at the TV in a man voice. This morning, we were playing football in the living room. I am awesomer at making touchdowns than him. I tried to throw a football at him and it just hit the wall and bounced off my nose. I think it is broke again, but I am not sure because I don't have much feeling in it since the Platypus Incident that the zoo said I am not allowed to talk about.
I tried to introduce him to April, but he did not say hi back. We were almost in a fight over the fact that he was being disrespective of my wife's honor, but then April told me that maybe dead people were deaf because they didn't bring their ears with them to heaven. I decided that she must be right, because my dad was never a jerk like that when he was alive, and I know that he would be proud of me for marrying someone who can drive to the Dollar Store three miles away without getting into a car crash. This is not because she is a woman, it is because it is an accomplishment that no man in my family has ever achieved.
He looks kind of pale, though. I think we should put him in a tanning bed.
Sincerely, Andy
P.S. For those of you that were worried, Conquistador is fine. It turned out that he didn't eat the remote control after all. It was actually in the oven all along.