vallo

the customer is not always right and whoever started saying that should be brought back to life and then slapped the end

Just plugging Wicked, because it's amazing and everyone should come see it on opening night. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Or whenever, really, until it runs out.

Also I sound like I'm pregnant but - hot dog in a fried pickle with peanut butter. Who wants to brave this new thing with me?

( private message - elain )

Whoever I offended, I apologize and I'll make it up to you if you quit turning my coffee into mud water.

We got ourselves an ill wind blowin' our way and I don't mean them monster things in the woods.

(Well. Maybe them monster things in the woods. Stink, don't they?)

Anyhow, I found myself a sparkly. Remember them totems? Guess it didn't vanish when whoever had it last vamoosed. This one feels good, feels right. Somethin' with air? Nearly flew a bit, earlier. And I can gust hard enough to annoy B.O.B. I been practicing with my sniper rifle, totem by my side, and if it don't shoot straighter than ever after I fiddle with the winds, well.

Anything I gotta know about magic? Keep it short; I ain't gonna attend a class and I ain't much for lecturin'.

[ ooc - ignore Ashe's use of 'vultures' on the network - I thought they had been identified but they hadn't. Just assume she's referring to 'feathery monsters' in the woods please! ]

BRB, gonna add a side BDSM shop to Dynamite, 'cause half you people wanna be hogtied.

Edited to Add: Find a new way to bang: add-on coming Summer 2021.

Dear What's your name again Asshole Magician That Portals Everywhere™,

Hi. You don't know me. Big fan of your first post here because it was funny. Big fan of you also getting me to the clinic in a jiffy on Turkey Day #1. Since then I've been cursed to see you do your portal thing literally everywhere - like in the shampoo aisle at that one store the other day? Yeah, that was me you cut in front of. Person of the feline hybridity.

It was also me that you cut in front of when picking up takeout two seconds ago - y'know, the takeout that wasn't actually yours? You got our bags mixed up.

Please return ASAP, thanks. I'm still at the restaurant waiting.

Best,
Catra

For anyone around Morningside tonight around midnight, there will be a loud fireworks show. I know a lot of us come from not so great circumstances and might not do so well with that, so I'm offering to loan ear muffs with silencing charms and willing to cast silencing charms around your flats, to keep the noise out. Just let me know here and I'll come around.

These items can also be bought at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes during regular business hours and yes, we're open today post-turkey event. Cheers!

AWW HELL -- no you don't you sonuvabitch; back up. I SAID BACK UP. GIT. GIT. Hey, Vallo, this here's Ashe; I had a... a thingie--- B.O.B. HERD IT AWAY FROM THE GUNPOWDER -- I had a thingie written up but it got deleted, so I figured-- I'll just say it instead of tryin' to write it-- THEY'RE COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW--

All pink and red fireworks half off through Valentines! Come and git 'em. If you help me with these gobblers I take another 20% off the top. If you blow 'em up in MY STORE I'm gonna be madder than a long-tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. You hear me? TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

Yeah, that's right Vallo. Them turkeys? They got into the city, and they're gonna have themselves a real nice Thankskilling.

FILTERED TO OSTYIA WHASERNAME. Is this filtered? Nah, don't think it is-- shiiiiiiiit, c'mon, it's not that har--- B.O.B.!! B.O.B.!! What did I TELL you?? Get them away from the GUNPOWDER. Yeah. YEAH. Like that. USE THE SHOCK MODE ON YOUR-- yeah!!! You got it. Way to go. Okay what was I-- oh yeah OSTYIA I was gonna be subtle and coy but shit's gone sideways; you wanna knock boots this Valentines Day? I know you like dynamite, and I wanna bang, so let me know if you wanna, 'cause I'm REAL sweet, and-- what in TARNATION-- B.O.B. they're IN MY OFFICE. I'ma wring their pimply little necks with my bare hands-- B.O.B.!! DO SOMETHING.

Y'all have a nice day, ya hear? Hope to see you soon! Mwha! That's a kiss.

Thanks to everyone who made an honest attempt to eat me outta house and home the other day. Leftovers got packaged up and sent to the hospital and clinic via B.O.B.; we had too damn much to shove in the freezer next to all the fellas who done me wrong (that's a joke, officer, honest). And I'm ever so grateful to those of you who bought me outta fireworks for your celebrations; trust that it went to a good cause - me.

I'm hosting a sale as a token of good will - 50% off seasonal fare and 20% off everything else - pre-made only. Custom orders still have the same ol' rules apply.

And if someone wants to blow up a bug with one of 'em, you get a "That's Hilarious" business card good for 30% off your next purchase. Go forth and boom, heroes. I don't wanna find a two foot scorpion in my drawers anytime soon. Promise to give you some sugar if you save me from somethin' with too many legs.

Now, I ain't all that much 'bout Christmas, save seein' my friends and gettin' presents that sparkle near as much as my personality, but New Year's? Shit. New Year's is fun. You got a ready-made date slapped right there on the calendar for startin' fresh, doin' new ideas, plannin' out your schemes each and every month and exertin' just a hair of control on the unbroken stallion that's your future life. Then, to make things even more fun, you got a way to make hearts go boom in two ways - either a kiss at midnight, or my personal favorite, fireworks.

( Click here for Calamity Ashe's Limited Edition New Year's Fireworks )

Now, I figure most of you people'll be drinkin' and carousin' New Year's Eve. That's just fine. When you wake up the next day madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory 'cause your throat hurts and your head hurts and you wanna die, why don't you skedaddle that pretty dehydrated ass over to the Deadgang Hideout on the edge of town (coordinates/directions attached)? B.O.B. and I'll be servin' up vittles that are guaranteed to perk you right on up and give you luck for the new year, including Hoppin' John (with ham hock and black eyed peas, 'course, this ain't my first rodeo), collards, cornbread with honey butter, and Jesse's favorite tamales, that I ain't never done before and will probably fuck up big time, but B.O.B. promised to supervise and he's got a good head for measurements. Come on by anytime between 10:00am New Year's Day through to 8:00pm. No weapons, no hollerin', and no fightin' unless you take it outside, take your shirts off, and make it look real damn good.

My resolution? Thanks for asking. Why, it's not to be so nice. I'm such a retiring, sweet little thing. I need to be more assertive, get what I want outta life.

Good news, it turns out I am amazing at poker (that could be a bluff, you don't know, that's a part of the fun). The one we used to play to kill time is píšťalka, but I'm not sure that the word translates. There is bidding for cards and it involves the suits and communicating with your partner what you have or don't have. It's simple enough, but because we are Tranavians there was once a conflict between four families that lasted 17 years because of a game of píšťalka. I've gotten out of many a boring party by bringing up that game and who cheated, and left once the debate started to rage.

Anyway, now I want to learn more games to be amazing at, so who will teach me theirs?

There's so much more music in this world than I ever could have imagined. I'm not even sure where to begin.

[Note and gift left for Achilles in the morning]

I apologise for leaving so early but you looked far too peaceful to wake at an hour before the sun had even risen.

I purchased this for you just a day ago. I wanted to find a lyre but found it very difficult to find one that I could afford within the amount of money I currently have. However, I did find this! It is almost like a kithara and I would have no hope but you are a musical genius. I am sure you will make something beautiful of it before long.

People are being a little strange! Did I miss something while I was cleaning the workshop and retuning the forge and inventorying material and sorting a new cache of metals and hauling scrap to the pile and shaping the anvil and cataloging blueprints and adjusting a microfusion generator and mapping Griff's neurological paths and building a new bullet belt for B.O.B. and tweaking an AI and remembering to get a snack and poring over a new engineering text and taking new orders and planning a new expansion and tackling an old project and petting Mitzi and stabilizing her jet pack and making sure her helmet fits properly and fixing a rocket hammer and oh no I forgot something so I'll be right back!

I'm getting super good at tarot cards (mostly) and the card I pulled this morning was Five of Pentacles, which has two people drudging through ice and snow on it. I guess you could take it as literal but it's supposed to mean isolation and worry too, and like - struggling. I'm kind of wary because ice and snow are the actual worst. So is struggling through snow, like, I had enough of that shit growing up. One time I was the only sober one at a high school party so I took my friend's car to get us more booze, of course, and spent fuck knew how long digging the car out from beneath snow and clearing ice - only to get inside and accidentally hit the button for the sunroof.

And that's my 'fuck snow' story. What's yours?

Anyone who wants a job makin' somethin' hard to find, come send some sugar my way.

Movin' on. Some of you might have picked up that I was gonna be openin' up a legitimate business here. Finally sussed up a name for it: Bombshell. If you're DOA, you get a discount, but if you're a civie, well, love don't pay the bills and I ain't runnin' a charity. 18 and over, please; I only break the fun laws. I sold most of these in another place before this, so you can know they're tried and true.

( Bombshell's Merchandise, Under the Cut )

This here's a preview; I'll be having my grand openin' in a week or two, assumin' weird shit ain't goin' down. Who'm I kiddin'? Of course weird shit'll go down. Let me rephrase - I won't open if whatever's happenin' interferes with business. Give me a holler here in comments if any of my wares appeal, and I'll make sure to stock it up. Y'all have yourselves a nice day.

( Filtered to Jesse McCree )

There's a bounce house up on Morningside's roof next to the garden for the next 12hrs. Feel free to bounce, don't break it, rentals aren't cheap.

Hey, hey psst, Jesse McCree. Happy Birthday, thanks for being my pal in world-hopping and sticking it out. Love you.

The original plan was we were going to rope friends together for drinks and cake at the bar tonight but uh- if breakfast is any indicator, we're postponing that to tmrw. Nobody needs cake turning into apples. So use this post to shower him in love, pls and thanks.

There's a lots of grumps out there today. If that's your thing, fine. But I draw the line at people trying to steal my bike.

Yeah yeah, I ain't feedin' daisies yet, Vallo. That Overlook Hotel was a cheat and a LIAR and I hope never to see its shadow darken my doorway anytime soon. But I'm showered, and I'm sober, and I'm working on my dynamite stock, so I'm just fit AS A FUCKIN' FIDDLE. So yeah, I'm fine. FINE. I'M GREAT.

and I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT