Dec. 2nd, 2022 at 9:28 AM
As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:
- Do not drink too much.
- Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...
- Contact me to get you there safely.
- I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
- I am also not sexually interested in you, unlike Todd from Accounting.
- I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
- You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
- You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
- You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.
- Thank you and stay safe.
- Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.
Don't fuck yourself up this holiday season or I'll do it for you. And a happy New Year or whatever.
Now. What fuckery does this weird-ass planet have planned for us this holiday?