vallo

OH HELLO MY DARLINGS what a delight it is to be seeing you ho ho hoeing it up in this [...] place! I am Nadja and you may see my very HANDSOME colleague Mr. Asterion and you may consider us sort of [...] counselors of a sort! We know that the holidays are just a STRESSFUL time and that there are MANY people who may make that more stressful for you! Please feel free to talk to Mr. Asterion and myself about those people and we will do our best to eat them make them the problem go away!

Perhaps it is that person who has a very large light display that shines in your bedroom window! Perhaps it is an ex-partner who has left you in your wedding attire! Perhaps it is a relative who will not shut up about politics even when you have attempted many times to change the topic but they simply refuse to understand and persist in bringing it up every other minute as if turkey is a political issue and 'it is just so hard to keep it all straight'!

Consider us similar to the large robber man who breaks into your house and eats your food! Except instead of eating your food we will eat people we will listen to your wants and will deliver you peace of mind! Because we are so giving and gracious and sexy!

also speaking of sexy many of you simply need to lean into the being very very very bad and bang out the issues

All queries are entirely confidential, but please, spill those stories!

Do you know what goes well with sadness? Looking good.

I realise everyone's in their feelings lately on account of the disappearances, but I've news: 'Reap What You Sew' is officially open for business. Want to add a little sparkle to your daily uniform? Is some adornment from home beginning to fray? I do alterations, enhancements, and repairs on demand.

Distract yourself from your misery! Light up the room with an Astarion original. Pay me gobs of this silly land's currency. There will be other children. But another opportunity to look better than your nemesis? It might not present itself again anytime soon. Who's to say?

(Open Tues, Thurs, and Saturday evenings; drop-off and pick-up is open whenever you want. And, of course, I work in DOA intake Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. So much work! Truly wild.)

Since there are an extraordinary number of immortals among the Outlander ranks, and I have only known literally enough to count on one hand, maybe we can start a group. Prevents us from getting lonely when we become, as Eliphas likes to put it, geriatric.


Also, I'm looking for a replacement couch, if anyone has leads on one that could be free.

Last night we were able to track down the source of what caused all of our network problems and found absolutely no one at the end of it. Whoever they are is a fan if that Soups place from all the trash left behind. The only name we can associate with them is T3CHN0W1TCH13, which is an internet handle that is offensive to the eyes.

All the chain letter hiccups should have disappeared after we gained access to the terminal they were using. [...] I'm hoping that also includes the corpses of any of them slain before this.

Also, please note: 'password' should not be your actual password. Do better.

We're also working on improving network security measures across the board to prevent any actual outsider from hacking into things. I can't guarantee it'll put a stop to everything, but we're hoping it stops someone like T3CHN0W1TCH13 from trying to kill us with either monsters or anxiety.

Happy Belated Friday the 13th.

HELLO THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHATEVER IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

BLOODY FUCKING MARY WITH HER BLOODY FUCKING CURSE IS UPON US.

ONCE NANDOR RELENTLESS IN HIS STUPIDITY OPENED THE ELECTRONIC MAIL AND RELEASED HER AND NOW SHE HAS RETURNED

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HILLARY WHO DID NOT FORWARD THE ELETRONIC LETTER AND THEN BLOODY MARY CAME TO HER IN HER PARTY OF SLUMBER AND MURDERED HER IN HER SLEEPING BAG WITH HER EYES TORN OUT AND A MESSAGE ON THE MIRROR THAT SAID 'ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS FORWARD THIS TO TEN PEOPLE'

CURSES ARE NOT TO BE TRIFFLED WITH EVEN FOR ME THE QUEEN OF VALLO VAMPIRES.

So you all were serious when you mentioned my getting a... job? Well. Such is the price of freedom, I suppose. Not to sell myself short, but I am uniquely qualified to be decorative and hilarious and little else that can be repeated in polite society. Unless you need someone stabbed? Do you need someone stabbed? Or perhaps something unlocked?

But only at night, of course. I'm a vampire spawn (worst kept secret, isn't it), and so can only maim, murder and preen during the evening hours. I assume is explains my hanging around your little government office the other day. It certainly wasn't out of ardor for your company so much as a requirement of survival.

I'm getting ahead of myself; I haven't introduced myself. My name is Astarion.

It's probably rather... pedestrian of me, but I'm actually looking forward to having a profession again. It's been a very long time. I've got to show up on time? Take lunch breaks? Sit at a table with other coworkers and talk about processes?

Precious.

I guess these skeletons have a very specific idea of what a king should be like and sprinkled in cheeto dust before noon is not it. Anybody heard of a King Ashurbanipal?

you guys, art class critique is the worst.

it's basically what it sounds like: your whole class gets together and critiques each other's work. half of what people say is artsy bullshit that they think sounds smart, a quarter of it is mean just for the sake of being mean, another twenty percent is completely insane, and then the final five percent is actually useful commentary on the work.

someone told me "i hate that you used paint." IN PAINTING CLASS. another guy commented on the raw sexuality of my painting OF A CAVE. and i didn't even get the worst of it! they made this one girl cry, and like, no, her painting wasn't that good, but it wasn't that bad either.

i need a nap. or maybe half a chocolate cake.

[Texts to Revy and Leon]
>>A bunch of us got ambushed by those elemental things
>>Where are you?
>>Are you both ok??

[Texts to Lydia and Stiles]
>>Are you in the city still or have you gotten the hell out?

[After some hesitation, a text to Nadja]
>>Are you and Laszlo alright?

PSA: make sure you know the person you're handing off your kid to because Finn was taken by a total goddamn stranger in a copy of Teela's meatskin. Was it only a ten-minute kidnapping? Sure, but who gives a shit. Longest ten minutes of our lives, and Finn's fine, and I am waffling back and forth between 'it could have been worse!!!' and unfiltered RAGE and wanting to shred someone's face into ribbons. MY CLAWS ARE FRESHLY SHARPENED.




Anyway.

I'm not emotionally qualified to handle any of this without attempted murder but Real Teela and Adam talked to the culprit. It was some sad shapeshifting old lady. Some kind of authority, please go get her before I choose violence.

Alright, tell me something about yourself that might surprise someone to know.

And I don't mean some kind of big fucking secret about how much of a piece of shit you were back in your home or something like that, because I don't really give a crap about anything like that. I want to hear about some kind of surprising talent that people wouldn't peg you for or something cool you did as a kid or about your pet guinea pig or I don't know, fucking good stuff like that.

Come at me. Blow my fucking socks off, let's go.

Okay, so I need everybody to come to the Art Fair at Art of Expression on the 15th because...

...holy crap...

I got brave and got myself a booth!!! I'm going to be selling originals and prints of my work for the first time in my life!

So even if you don't buy anything, come by and see me and say hi and tell me it doesn't look like crap!


[OOC note: any artists who want to sell work at the Art Fair, feel free to say you have a booth]

[Private message to Nadja]

Nadja:

I received a set of doll parts for a life-sized doll from my other life. I put them together and cleaned them up a bit. I was wondering if you'd like to have it?

It is completely ghost free, I promise and has kind of a morbid story attached to it, if you're interested?

-- Henry Townshend

So if I wanted to get better at defending myself against say, the evil mushrooms and psychotic hands and crap with things other than a baseball bat, who could help me out with that?

[Texts to Lydia Martin]

» This
» Whatever it is
» I mean, this isn't just because you got new memories and have some sense of obligation or something right
» But
» Never mind

I do not know really what is happening with all of the plants and such but I do know that Laszlo is an incredible topiary artist. This is a man who knows his way around a good bush, what a good bush looks like, and how to manipulate it to do things you would never think would be possible. If anyone needs a bush trimmed or shaped or worked on, Laszlo has only the firmest of appreciation for bushes.

Also VERY IMPORTANT and more important than whatever is happening with the plants is that we have a new dolly!!!! Nadja doll is THRILLED to have a friend but completely coincidentally now our house is very haunted. VERY haunted. Laszlo is complaining about them very much and we VERY OBVIOUSLY do not deal with the G-individual (even thinking it makes blood pour from my eyes) so someone UNRELATED to that come and get rid of these ghosts for us.

OH YES AND ALSO MORE IMPORTANT we are in need of documentary crew members ONCE AGAIN to follow us around with the cameras and the fuzzy...stick and ask questions and record our day to day lives that are VERY interesting apply now.

HELLO THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU WILL EVER READ IN YOUR SHORT TINY LIVES

LASZLO CRAVENSWORTH AKA JACKIE DAYTONA AKA JACK THE RIPPER HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME BY WINGED DEVILS

(not the sexy scrumptious kind of Mr. Lucifer)
(unless this is Mr. Lucifer playing a very fun game in which case you cheeky horny little fox)

THIS IS VERY SAD FOR ME AND I WILL ACCEPT ANY AND ALL SUPPORT AS I WAIL AND MY BOSOM HEAVES

also Nandor and Gizmo are COMPLETELY IGNORING MY WAILS FUCKING USELESS I TELL YOU

[OOC - Please note that in any visuals, Essek has longer hair and an eyepatch over his left eye with visible scarring on that side of his face/ear/head k ty bye.]

This is so awkwa Figured out time travel, but did not plan how to

Hello. It feels odd to introduce myself as many of you already know me, but I am Essek Widogast and I'm here with Caleb (also) Widogast. If my husband's perfect recall can be relied upon, which I am willing to stake most everything on it, the versions of us that you know normally should still be deep within the Aeor that was brought to Vallo, being very much themselves while surrounded by ancient Exandrian magic and technology.

Which is to say, and I'm doing a poor job of getting to the point, we are from a different timeline and time. A few hours ago, we were in 2033 within a branch of the future that is hopefully not your own. The Temporal Concurrence and the aligning of the leylines does, it seem, allow for some otherwise so-called impossible magic when one(s) puts many months of work into entirely too many sleepless nights their wizard mind(s) to it.

I cannot promise to keep a long story short as there are many moving parts and I tend to be accidentally verbose in the best of times, but I think many of you may remember the attack from Interitus that happened in August of 2021. He was not as gone as we had all hoped and is now wreaking havoc upon my and Caleb's timeline. Thanks to the concurrence and the influx of magic, our intel is advising that he is planning on ascending beyond his current form into something akin to godhood. Should he do so, his powers will be made more or less limitless and there will be no stopping him from traveling freely within timelines to destroy every version of Vallo, as has been his will all along. Our version has just been practice for him.

As for why we have broken through literal time and space to visit the past, we are seeking aid. This has already been discussed with the DOA, but there are a few things that we are here for specifically.

First, Interitus is using a simulacrum of sorts as a power focus, which has allowed him to bide his time in our world and eventually build up enough power in secret to take over. We believe that this simulacrum had already arrived in March of 2023--in February, specifically. We do not know where, but our hope is that you fine people will be able to locate and destroy it, specifically at the height of the concurrence to not give away our plans.

Second, Caleb and I are in search of a very specific tome from the Great Library. We unfortunately do not have access to the Library in our time as you do now, but we believe that the tome we are looking for has information regarding locating the object needed to pierce through Interitus's magical defenses. If any librarian friends are willing to volunteer to help with that, as we do need this before we return to our time tomorrow, it would be greatly appreciated.

Finally, and I realize that this is the largest ask of them all, a vision from one of the Prigany psychics has shown us that there are specific people in the future that aid in the efforts. Our understanding is that these people come to us from your timeline and travel to our own. We have a list of those people, who I will be filtering separately with more information. Please know there is no expectation. We are not here to force anyone to help, regardless of psychic visions.

This is long and a great deal of information for a Monday, I understand. Caleb and I are here to answer any questions that we can--at least those questions that do not pose more harm to the timelines than our being here already might.

FILTER TO AURORA MORNINGSTAR, BILLY KAPLAN, BO DENNIS, COBB VANTH, DANIEL ARLINGTON, GALADRIEL HIGGINS, GANSEY, GLADIO AMICITIA, IRIS AMICITIA, KATOU YUE, KELLACH DONNALLEN, KRATOS, LAN XICHEN, LILA PITTS, LYDIA MARTIN, ORYM, OSTYIA RABALSKA, REMUS LUPIN, ROGIER, SAM WILSON, SARA LANCE, STEVE HARRINGTON, TALLY CRAVEN, TENNAL HALKANA, THOM SUMMER, TYLER LOCKWOOD, VEX'AHLIA + CALEB WIDOGAST

( OOC cut because I know this is getting long I AM SORRY. )

Guessing I can cash in a gold coin at a bank or something??

I went on a walk because """exercise""" and this little shit of a dude came up to me like it wanted to start a fight. But he took a look at me, thought about it real hard, then gave me a gold coin and walked away like it was ashamed. Melog thought about eating them.

Adora, I got date money.

... Hi! So um, I've had a few weeks to adjust and sleep and figure out how to fly (!!!) now and I'm all refreshed and doing pretty good except for almost burning myself alive this mo!

I'm a vampire! AMA (Ask Me Anything)!

Officially 99 days until the estimated eviction day and so far I've been cursed with:

- having to do acrobatics in the middle of the sidewalk to dodge someone who, for whatever reason, thought it was a good idea to reach for my stomach like it was some crystal ball that was going to give them answers about their dumb life. I DON'T KNOW YOU.
- getting stuck in a long line for one tiny order of iced coffee while someone decides to tell me how caffeine's bad for my condition, like bitch did I ask you?
- thinking the last part was said with my internal brain voice
- it wasn't, I said it with my mouth.

I don't care though. The gasp of offense nourished my soul and then I bought myself three cake pops for breakfast. :) If my leggings rip during yoga, who cares.