vallo

So you all were serious when you mentioned my getting a... job? Well. Such is the price of freedom, I suppose. Not to sell myself short, but I am uniquely qualified to be decorative and hilarious and little else that can be repeated in polite society. Unless you need someone stabbed? Do you need someone stabbed? Or perhaps something unlocked?

But only at night, of course. I'm a vampire spawn (worst kept secret, isn't it), and so can only maim, murder and preen during the evening hours. I assume is explains my hanging around your little government office the other day. It certainly wasn't out of ardor for your company so much as a requirement of survival.

I'm getting ahead of myself; I haven't introduced myself. My name is Astarion.

It's probably rather... pedestrian of me, but I'm actually looking forward to having a profession again. It's been a very long time. I've got to show up on time? Take lunch breaks? Sit at a table with other coworkers and talk about processes?

Precious.

So by now ah- most of you are aware we had a situation at the Library. We still don't have all of the details - I don't know if we ever will, but what we do know is this:

Ashurbanipal, King of Assyria, approached the library this morning, and challenged King Noctis in an attempt to rule Vallo? Unaware that Noctis is not the King of Vallo.

He threatened Nancy, and the Library wards went defensive, one of the skeletons was killed in the mess, and the King took that as a challenge.

The library went into lockdown mode, and there was a fight. I do believe they underestimated a whole group of librarians.

Nancy was able to knock the amulet off of the King's neck, and that was when the skeletons all disappeared? We have it now, but the amulet is damaged, and the king is gone. I put it in a protected vault for the moment but we'd feel more comfortable if one of the covens takes it, so we're going to reach out to them later for that.

We do have some casualties and people are being taken to the clinic now, but I don't think anything was fatal. Mike, Darlington took Nancy there just a few minutes ago and you may want to visit.

Full disclosure that I am also on my way there now, but I was told by triage that it "should be an easy heal". I didn't even realize I just had a

If anyone has any other information to share, we'd love to hear it at the library, since we'll be documenting this in its entirety.

Tags: !: network post, alex stern series: alex stern, alex stern series: darlington, critical role: orym, final fantasy: joshua rosfield, final fantasy: noctis lucis caelum, final fantasy: prompto argentum, grishaverse: nikolai lantsov, overwatch: brigitte lindholm, stranger things: mike wheeler, the last binding: edwin courcey, the raven cycle: blue sargent, the raven cycle: matthew lynch, the raven cycle: richard campbell gansey, the raven cycle: ronan lynch, voltron: keith kogane, voltron: tex kogane

I know its frowned on to drink at work but I will give pretty much anything you can think of if someone will bring me a bottle of something. Because it is way too early in the week for this much chatting.

Filtered to DOA and Library Staff:

A book was stolen from the Great Library’s Special Collections section about twenty minutes ago. I made an attempt at apprehending the thief but was unsuccessful in doing so. I am hereby requesting an investigation by the DOA, as I suspect this is part of a pattern.

Additional relevant information:
- the stolen volume is The Art of Control, a study in mind magic that is forbidden in nearly every world where it exists
- the thief was dressed in ancient Assyrian style, Neo-Assyrian Empire period
- the thief seemed to disappear in the alley behind the library

Somewhere between my birthday earlier in the week and it being September already, I've been a little nostalgic the last couple of days. It was my second birthday that I've gotten to celebrate here in Vallo (38, before anyone asks) and the sheer amount of stuff that has happened to me and change that I've felt personally is pretty wild to think back on.

It was nearly a year ago that some of us had that wild adventure with cultists and rocket launchers and monsters. I went to hell, traveled in time, spent a week stressing folks out as a child, fought a whole slew of creatures through defense patrols, got my first job that wasn't mercenary work since I was a guard in my hometown, kissed a handsome man for the first time in seven years (which I think was well received, judging from near eleven months later), and just met so many new, great people. I know that things are their own shade of uh terrible? awful? fucked up? eventful back home, thanks to Vallo gifting me the occasional check-in, but quite the ride when you spent several years just coasting.

Anyway, sorry. This is a lot and I usually don't like talking this much, but here's to another year, I suppose. Maybe with less fighting bad guys? We'll see.



Also, to the people who live with me: I told Laudna when my the tree from Zephrah first arrived that we could decorate it come autumn in a seasonally appropriate and spooky way. I know she isn't here to appreciate it, but I still want to honor that for her, if any of you want to join me in getting some decorations.

Smiley day folks! You know, as we're coming into a season of transition and change, we can focus on change in ourselves! What do we need to change, mentally, or emotionally, or physically? Maybe the first step is talking to someone unbiased! In that case, you can just swing on by the clinic to discuss all of your goals and changes you want to make, and we can create a plan that works for you. Some folks might not have ever seen a health practitioner, or a therapist, and that's okay! It's never too late, and if you have questions about the process, I'm happy to be a guide. We operate confidentially too, you know, asking for help is the first step of what might be a long journey, but you just ask some of my traveling companions, I'm real good at rolling right alongside you and holding things.

Not that there's anything wrong with you all, you have souls that just shine. But just in case!!

Now here's a question for some personal reflection, or you can share the answer and we can all feel a little more connected! What is one talent you've always wanted to have but just can't master yet? Me, it's dancing. It's a little difficult when you operate on one wheel! I got the front to back, side to side, and circular motion down, but the rest is, um, a challenge. Maybe once I master stairs.

[Defense]

Patrol report - I've got a number of what I'd call earth elementals here near the edge of the forest. I've managed to communicate with them enough to encourage them not to play 'toss' with the fully grown bear they were passing around and use a boulder instead. They seem harmless, if a little lacking in common sense.

I don't think it's anything to be too heavily worried about but heads up if there are still any elemental concerns.

I wish to publicly express my gratitude to the Covens and Department of Outlander Affairs for their swift and effective response to the flood. While Cloud Recesses is on high ground and was largely untouched, the Art of Expression Vallo City location suffered greatly from water damage. Most of our photography and electronic art equipment was there, and we feared that it would be unsalvageable. While there are yet items that cannot be replaced, the majority of our computers and shared photography equipment will yet rise from the ashes thanks to the aid of science, magic, and dedicated volunteers.

My eternal thanks to all who assisted.

[Filtered to Will Laurence]
I believe I may actually return home at a reasonable hour this evening. Dare I hope the same may be said of you?

Good morning, Outlanders. Well done, yesterday. It's always encouraging to see what can be accomplished by this group of talented folks when we put our minds to it.

That said, recovering from the last handful of days will be a process. If you need aid in clearing out your residence or business or whatever else, please don't hesitate to reach out to the DOA. We've got connections that we can hook you up with to get added support, either magical or not. Hopefully clean up efforts will go quick and smoothly, so life can go back to some shade of pre-kraken normal.

And, of course, if you have magic or skills that might lend to help in those efforts and are willing to lend them to this cause, we'd love to hear from you and get you in touch with the right people.

Though I personally will not be in the office today, because I'm listening to people who know more about medical things than me and will be resting in bed, like I promised--so don't yell at me, those people in particular.

Coming at you all real hot with some more satisfying jif gefs aw shit things.

( Obviously this is not Chetney but you know, theater of the mind )

Can't show too much on account of I don't want to take away from the hashtag wolfpack in my DMs.

I say be the satisfying thing you want to see in the world.

Said that about thirst traps yesterday. Don't know which one is more poignant.

Anyway, show me some of the shit you're making, c'mon now. Doesn't have to be wood. Wood is preferred, but I got a lot of respect for the entire crafting line. Long as you make it with your hands, long as you had a good time, you were successful. Don't let no one take that shit from you.

I don't know if there is anyone else that practices Druidcraft or something like that, but don't try to use it to perk up your cut flowers or houseplants right now. I thought maybe they'd be exempt from all this, but uh. They're not.

Can you tell I'm not a magic person? Because I'm really not.

Hey saw a bunch of people getting arrested while I was in the city getting some fucking snack groceries because Chetney ate all the beef jerky AGAIN. Looked real intense and shit.

The arrests, not the jerky aisle.



Also before anyone says it: I WASN'T INVOLVED. I was at the fucking grocery store. I've got an alibi, damn it.

This seems as good a time as any to throw this out there to the Vallo masses to see what kind of interest there may be in such an event.

Slayer's Cake would like to host a big community wide picnic of sorts in early September, assuming it doesn't get cancelled due to time travel or hand monsters or killer turkeys. We'd partner with other local businesses and food trucks to provide plenty to eat. There would also be lots of activities and games for kids (young and old). Music provided by local musicians.

Because my thoughts for the event are styled after the festivals we used to have back in mine and Vax's childhood home before, I was also thinking of having a Gem of Vallo competition--basically a talent show/evening wear competition open to all walks of life. Maybe a pie eating contest? Dessert contest?

More details would come later but, before I go too far down this tunnel, would you lot be interested?

HAPPY NEW SMUT TUESDAY, VALLO.

Listen, I can't be the only one who gets to enjoy fresh new smutty romances every Tuesday, so I am here to bring you a list of new releases that you should be checking out, too. You can come by Chastity's Nook, or request Frumpkin-delivery if you'd prefer smut-on-demand. Let's see what we've got up for grabs this week:

Spellbound Hearts
In the enchanted realm of Elysium, a talented sorcer and a dashing rogue find themselves embroiled in a quest to save the kingdom from an ancient curse. As they battle through mystical challenges and unearth long-lost secrets, their hearts become entwined in a spell of love that defies all odds. Perfect for fans of people banging in forbidden places (but I can not confirm or deny who's doing the banging because spoilers).

Shadows of Passion
Amidst the darkness of an ever-encroaching evil, two warriors from rival clans must join forces to protect their land. As they journey together, their initial animosity transforms into an intense attraction that threatens to ignite the very flames of passion, ✨✨binding✨✨ them closer than ever before. (✨✨IYKYK.✨✨)

Whispers of the Moonlight Dance
In the ethereal moonlit woods, a graceful elven princess and a noble human knight meet unexpectedly during a masquerade ball. Drawn to each other's enigmatic allure, they embark on a clandestine romance, but their love must withstand the prejudices of their divergent worlds. (For fans of banging wherever as long as the LOVE is forbidden~)

Arcane Enchantment
Within the walls of the esteemed Arcanum Academy, a gifted mage and a promising alchemist are paired together for an experiment in magical synthesis. As they weave spells and mix potions, they discover an enchantment that goes beyond the arcane arts - an enchantment of the heart. It's giving Hot for Teacher, minus the teacher.

Fates' Embrace
Destined by an ancient prophecy, a fearless dragon rider and a mysterious oracle find themselves bound by a shared destiny. As they confront epic battles and formidable foes, their unyielding bond blossoms into a love that transcends time and empowers them to face their shared future. For fans of BANGING ON DRAGONS.

Thank you for coming to my presentation. You should 5000% buy a copy of all five. Trust me, they're all five extra 🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶!!

One thing I love about this place is how we all bring a little bit of our own homes to make this neat sort of melting pot of a community, letting other people experience the things we might have really loved before being brought here. It's nice, getting to celebrate other worlds that most of us will probably never get to see, outside of through the eyes of other Outlanders.

All that to say, thanks for the races this weekend. It was a blast.

DORIAN

I've decided I want to use my winnings on something fun. Want to get fancy?

Have we figured out if this is one person or whatever being able to mimic someone so easily or is it multiples? Unless this person can clone itself or just appear in more than one place? My brain is working in overdrive right now and coming up with worst case scenarios, and thinking "can they mimic someone's superpowers?"

I walked into class earlier and said hi to a study buddy, to which I got a glare in return. Turns out that she saw me around Vallo earlier and asked me to proofread the homework assignment for any errors and I ended up telling her "this is utter bullshit", then ripped it up into little pieces that she has nothing to submit for this class.

Look, I know I want to get ahead in life, but I would never. Damage control with the student and the professor went... well, it wasn't perfect, but I managed.

This is incredibly belated but I just wanted to let people know that Cobb and I were very grateful for everyone who was able to attend our wedding at the townhouse earlier this month especially on such a short notice. At some point, I felt there was no point in waiting too long when there was nothing guaranteed in this place.

And after a short leave from the clinic (gasp, shock, horror, I know, the workaholic doc took a break), I'm back and ready to stockpile for the next time Vallo decides to be a complete dick.

Hey so, friendly (if you want the not-friendly version you have to pay extra) reminder that there's a Death Club (clever, right?) at the DOA building every other Wednesday evening. Dead? Dying? Previously dead? Resurrected? Dead at home? Surrounded by a ton of people who have died? Need somewhere to just... vent or talk or listen about death? Come on by.

We don't judge or make you fill out some long questionnaire to prove you're "dead enough" or whatever. It's a fairly chill group where people talk about their experiences, listen to others, offer advice and help, and a path forward to figure out how to get out of that stupid slog that comes after. Outlanders and Natives are both welcome, you'd be surprised how many Natives have been yanked back to life with the amount of necromancers running around. The survivor guilt/"why me"/"what the fuck" combo is pretty universal.

And there's free coffee and pastries.

*Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or doctor and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but we have one on hand for meetings if you need some one-on-one time or something with a bit more structure.

BELLS HELLS

Hey, I'm sorry that I didn't do this right away yesterday, but I needed a little time to sort of think everything through and get my thoughts in order. Again, I'm sorry but I hope you'll understand.

( Cut for CR spoilers, in case you're worried about that! )