vallo

We see on screen, Billy Kaplan has just unzipped a black suit bag.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh



Hi, so, my fiancé and I are getting married tonight at 6 and we're inviting...everyone here. Surprise? It's at 6, the only thing that is really going right is the catering so there will definitely be food and cake. Neither of our families can make it because of the snow, but we're all feeling the Chrismukkah spirit bonding us together since we've been here, right?

Just no one look at the decor.

Or the cake itself.

Or me.

Text to: Teddy

--Did you perhaps, check your suit?
--I would do a double check.jpg
--Also Tommy says to save the Brussel sprouts specifically for him, he thinks he can make it if he hurries.
--If.

OH HELLO MY DARLINGS what a delight it is to be seeing you ho ho hoeing it up in this [...] place! I am Nadja and you may see my very HANDSOME colleague Mr. Asterion and you may consider us sort of [...] counselors of a sort! We know that the holidays are just a STRESSFUL time and that there are MANY people who may make that more stressful for you! Please feel free to talk to Mr. Asterion and myself about those people and we will do our best to eat them make them the problem go away!

Perhaps it is that person who has a very large light display that shines in your bedroom window! Perhaps it is an ex-partner who has left you in your wedding attire! Perhaps it is a relative who will not shut up about politics even when you have attempted many times to change the topic but they simply refuse to understand and persist in bringing it up every other minute as if turkey is a political issue and 'it is just so hard to keep it all straight'!

Consider us similar to the large robber man who breaks into your house and eats your food! Except instead of eating your food we will eat people we will listen to your wants and will deliver you peace of mind! Because we are so giving and gracious and sexy!

also speaking of sexy many of you simply need to lean into the being very very very bad and bang out the issues

All queries are entirely confidential, but please, spill those stories!

Ok what the fuck is a fits chivalry. Is that a thing? This rainbow bird fucking talks but like Kiri talks and it won't stop saying fits chivalry like that means something. Chainsaw is awkward as fuck and trying to make friends so I have two birds barking nonsense at each other. Not complaining just saying. It's like that meme of the goth house next to the colorful one only these houses have sharp ass beaks and won't shut up.

Well shit, I missed all of you being sexy and punching each other in the face. Oh well. At least it's still my favorite time of year. Anyone want bespoke lingerie just in time for all of your slutty spooky season activities? I work fast!

Also does anyone know if my parents are dating yet so I can stop lying about Tempted to get a really dumb tattoo this time just to see if it sticks.

Last night we were able to track down the source of what caused all of our network problems and found absolutely no one at the end of it. Whoever they are is a fan if that Soups place from all the trash left behind. The only name we can associate with them is T3CHN0W1TCH13, which is an internet handle that is offensive to the eyes.

All the chain letter hiccups should have disappeared after we gained access to the terminal they were using. [...] I'm hoping that also includes the corpses of any of them slain before this.

Also, please note: 'password' should not be your actual password. Do better.

We're also working on improving network security measures across the board to prevent any actual outsider from hacking into things. I can't guarantee it'll put a stop to everything, but we're hoping it stops someone like T3CHN0W1TCH13 from trying to kill us with either monsters or anxiety.

Happy Belated Friday the 13th.

GROUP TEXTS TO KENZI MALIKOV & DREAM:

» Kenzi, don't spazz out.
» I don't know what the hell that is, but I'm still here.
» Dream, don't let her freak out.

TEXT MESSAGES TO WANDA MAXIMOFF:

» Still here.
» Just in case you were worried.

[KENZI]

I do not wish to overstep myself in asking, but with the recent departures, would you like to stay with me this evening?

[RONAN]

I am afraid I must cancel our appointment this evening. Would you like to reschedule for another evening this week or skip?

MOM? Do you want me to just off this person FOR you???? WHO IS IT????

I've already supplied critical locations for a few years now (reminds me: good time to do a maintenance check!) but I've got a good dozen or so microfusion generators available for anyone with specific needs, like healthcare equipment or things like businesses that can't afford to lose stock, that kind of thing.

Just let me know, I can have them deployed by drone pretty quickly!

Was I the only one to see a skeleton walking out of Starbucks looking so dejected?

If he'd just waited a few minutes I would have paid for his latte.

Looks like I arrived just in time to help people clean up. I suppose it is better than the alternative.

Can someone direct me to my brother? I know he's round here somewhere.

Hey, Dr. Morgan Yu here on behalf of Enki coven. Here's the situation:

* There was a magical accident that's resulted in pollution of the land's magic
* Magic users who rely on the land are reporting fluctuations in their magical power, unexpected results of magical workings, and feelings of illness during and after the use of their magic
* Enki's Green Division is supporting the cleanup with the Academy and the DOA
* We're all working on purifying the magic as quickly as possible
* We estimate 48 to 72 hours to finish the job
* In the meantime, magic users who rely on the land for their work are encouraged to avoid any magic use

( Read more... )

Alright, tell me something about yourself that might surprise someone to know.

And I don't mean some kind of big fucking secret about how much of a piece of shit you were back in your home or something like that, because I don't really give a crap about anything like that. I want to hear about some kind of surprising talent that people wouldn't peg you for or something cool you did as a kid or about your pet guinea pig or I don't know, fucking good stuff like that.

Come at me. Blow my fucking socks off, let's go.

[Kenzi, Dream, Laszlo, and Enid]

Hello.

We are taking Enid shopping for an outfit to the goth party. She doesn't own anything that is suitable for the event and I'm determined to see how she looks in black. No, I am not entertaining the idea of pastel goth.

( Read more... )

( FOR MORPHEUS, IN HIS APARTMENT... BECAUSE SOMEONE BROKE IN THIS MORNING. )

Where's Orym of the Air Ashari? He's from Emon (where's that?) and he's dwarf-height or shorter, and he kicked enough ass to be worth 10,0000 gold, apparently.

Not asking because I'm turning him in; do I care about mortal currency? I do NOT. I'm just impressed. That's a lot of theft. There are wanted posters up in the forest for him, which was new. Thought you guys should know that that's a thing now in case someone's looking for him.

Unrelated to all the crime: summer. I'm going to really hone my shirtless basking skills this year. If you need something blessed, wear shades, because the glistening is gonna be real.

( Network Post cw: pregnancy stuff! )

ok fine I'll post on your dumb little baby network. hey losers how's the reality hopping going? anybody NOT sitting at a desk asking me what my SPECIES is figure out which big bad jerk is behind all this? I got things to do and a team to watch out for otherwise they'll get dead and then I gotta find a whole new team and who has the time for THAT?


speaking of

anybody seen a doofy looking tree wandering around?