vallo

Are things always this interesting around here?

FILTERED TO SIRI:

There is something I'd like to discuss with you if you have a moment.

FILTERED TO LEONARDO:

I heard you have a school for young children?

This month has given me so insight into getting bug guts out of clothing and my hair. Glad I kept my chainsaw on me. I might need someone to help me look at my robotic hand. I can usually fix these kinds of things myself or build myself a new hand, but I guess it can't hurt me to ask for help when it's around and I don't have only me to rely on.

It's kind of nice having two holidays in a row that aren't too wildly different from something that we had back home with Winter's Crest and Christmas, then New Dawn and New Year's. And, in the spirit of the latter, here's my goals for the new year -- in the interest of being held accountable. (If I'm going down, you're all going with me.)

1. Beat Velora at Mario Kart just once. I don't understand how she is so good. I think she practices in the middle of the night, when she's supposed to be asleep.

2. Learn how to make more than toast, cereal, and pasta. Something involving chicken?

3. Try not to focus on how I will soon be in my late 20s. (If anyone tells me that I'm too young to say such things, I will smite you. Pretty sure I can't do that yet, but you're going on the list if I ever gain the ability.) (I'm kidding. I won't smite you.)

4. Drink less?

And that's it. One can have only be expected to have but so much positive development in a year.

VEX

So, how are you d were your celebrations?

I hope that no one managed to somehow accidentally lose a tablet of some sort in my bedroom, because A) I have no idea how you would have done that in the first place and B) I took it downstairs to breakfast and the littlest Vessar declared it as hers, because (and I quote), "You don't know how to use it anyway, Vax."

She is not wrong, but oh, to get such sass from two sisters.

Anyway. A happy various winter type holidays to you all!

If the universe is still listening, I take back what I said about wanting to experience snow. Am willing to concede the experience might be better if it wasn't waking up in a snow pile.

Cobb Vanth. Tatooine. Anyone seen a guy in armor? Helmet never comes off, got a little green kid with him?

As an FYI, packing your stuff up isn't as great a distractor as you'd think from thinking about things like taking a Potion of Diminution so your gnome friend can Dimension Door you inside of a dragon or having to deal with a Robe of Flaying because naturally that has to exist and the rakshasa that's coming after you is apparently into having plenty of layers to his revenge plans or being led around the Feywild by a satyr (that's actually an archfey with super orange hair, because of course he is because Feywild) with a lewd, though entertaining, drawing hobby or even not so suddenly becoming part Paladin.

I think these memory dumps are designed just to be a reminder that as weird and eventful as shit can be here in Vallo, it will never be as weird and eventful as home.

Just to recap:

Woke up from a nap in the middle of the forest. Yes, there were bugs.

Some stranger took me to an office and gave me a phone and a wad of cash and told me way too much information.

Then I come out and see some fun house mirror version of my store.

That's where I am today.

I can't take this, I need to go lay down. Maybe I'll wake up in Xanadu and dance the night away with Olivia Newton John, next time.

Hi, I owe everyone a pretty big apology, I think.

Though I'm still not entirely sure, I may have been the cause of all the weirdness that happened this week. There were bottles of... well, Wonderland tea? in the shop we're working on cleaning up and without really considering what might happen, I poured the contents down the drain. And somehow I think it ended up in the water supply, but I don't know how. I honestly didn't think it would.

In my defense That stuff is supposed to be FILTERED ou

If I need to speak with anyone at the DOA regarding the matter, I will, but I wanted to put an apology out there first to explain what I believe happened. So I'm really sorry if it affected you and it won't happen again, I can promise that much.

Hello Vallo people! Alexis Rose here, to inform you about our Apothecary specials this holiday season. We have nourishing goat milk lotions and soaps, special coconut oil lotion bars for the shower, a nifty coffee body scrub, and a Miracle Salve that will solve all your dry skin problems (itchy hands and windburn are the worst this time of year). All handmade, locally sourced, not tested on animals! And in a variety of winter scents as well - peppermint, orange clove, sparkling pine, gingerbread waffles, and more.

Also, we'll have a bin at the Apothecary for the toy drive. Pick up a few stocking stuffers or pampering doo-dads while you're there! And we're also ready for all your white elephant needs. My fabulous associate, Tal, has put together a good many already-prepared gift baskets, to pick up for white elephant contributions, in a variety of themes! We've got "Peppermint Delights," "Keep Your Hands/Claws Moisturized," and a "Help, I've Partied Too Hard" basket featuring a hangover helper tea (rooibos), coffee, a smooth milk chocolate bar, homemade detox juice (it's a secret recipe), a cucumber cooling mask, and a rose and chamomile cleanser.

So yes, come see us. And stay fabulous and warm!


( filtered to friends, idgaf who replies to this filter :D )

[FILTERED TO PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO PARTY INCLUDING JACK AND BITTY]

Fuckers, Fuckas, and Fuckees, you are cordially invited to attend the Christmas Before Christmas Celebration of the Mother Fucking Year and I do mean it's going to be something else. It's Jack O'Lantern Frenchface Zimmermann's Equality Bash. December 3rd. 7pm. Bring your A game bros because this is gonna go for hours. This isn't some fuckin sexist bachelor losing your freedom bullshit, so all orientations and genders (or lack of) are welcome to come party your god damn brains out to celebrate the life and times of two of the best people I know and I sure hope you can handle it because for real bros, we'll take care of you respectfully if you can't handle the Christmas tub juice. Everyone's safe.

Then you have 48 hours to get your shit together for the wedding. Tell everyone so this shit isn't MISSED and then I have to listen to people complain about missing something this bad ass.

[FILTERED TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE TO PARTY BUT AREN'T JACK AND BITTY]

Dearest Friends and Fuckin Compatriots, you're invited to attend a showing of the life and times of two grand fucking people who are about to get married. A lot of work has gone into an amazing documentary and we're setting up a pretty wicked fucking theater room to watch it in. Drinks and snacks will of course be provided, so you don't even have to BYOB, just BYO Ass and put it in a seat. It's sure to be a treat and I want you all to enjoy yourselves. December 3rd. 7pm. Don't be late!

FYI as a personal favor to me, I'm marketing this as a wild fuckin bash so if you hear people talking about it that's why and I need you to help keep that illusion going. It's going to be a major fuckin surprise all right, please don't ruin it. Just separating this out so you bros are all comfortable coming out to this without having to feel like a wallfuckinflower or some shit, it's all good. Lardo's put a goddamn lot of work into this, come out and support it?

[FILTERED TO PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO BE SOCIAL SO PARTY OR NO PARTY IS FINE BUT AREN'T JACK AND BITTY]

December 3rd. 7pm. Come out and be fuckin social for a good time. It's being marketed as a huge bash or whatever, so play the fuck along, but I can promise you'll enjoy yourself. You're probably seeing two filters on this post, don't ruin the goddamn surprise or you'll have to see Lardo after class and bro, you don't want that, I promise you.

Peace the fuck out, I have to take pie to the boss.

Greetings, Vallo denizens of all persuasions! I have a couple of announcements I wanted to share with the class before I enjoyed my Cinderella latte, which is a pumpkin spice latte where you substitute half of the pumpkin spice sauce pumps for white mocha. You're welcome for the life-changing tip.

1. If you're looking for a good place to eat after the epic hockey match today, Café Tropical is now in the city. It's from my home turf, Schitt's Creek. Really good food sometimes, and the smoothies are an adventure.

2. Into the Woods! Opening night is November 19th. The show runs 'til the 22nd, 7 PM each night with a 2 PM show on Sunday. We've been rehearsing hard, come see us!

3. My Womb Eviction Day is 12/19. I'll be throwing a party someplace so mark your calendars now! More details later, when I get potentially the right permits I'll need for this blowout.


( private to cullen )

Pretty sure I'm passed out drunk, and hallucinating this whole thing, so whatever. Name's Johnny Lawrence, and I'm looking for my kid, Robby Keene.

I'm having a rough fuckin month. Just tripped and landed on the lumber, broke it right in two. Just got it from home last month, too. Wait, waaait. Magic's a thing. Can anyone say a few words and put this thing back together like new?

Well, I've seen the moving announcement about three times now, and I think I've got the grasp of maybe--- we'll go with ten percent of all this, but there's no point in waiting around for any of it to make sense, so I'll just introduce myself and have at it that way: My name is Max Trevelyan; I'm decent at magic and reek at cards. I've recently concluded a position with a peacekeeping organization. I'm trying to be optimistic about all this - so often when I'm whisked away to an alternate dimension, I have to fight against terrifying potential futures, demons (both actual and metaphorical), and all sorts of assorted horrors, but this - this is almost welcoming. I'm charmed. And suspicious. Charmed and suspicious in equal measure. Sorry. Comes with the calling.

Anyhow, if you see a confused-looking person without a left arm wandering about with his mouth hanging open, cut him some slack, all right? He'll be so blisteringly awesome in a few days once he's got his bearings. Seriously. A total fox.

They said I had friends from Thedas here?

Wow, this is completely fucked up (cool video though, appreciated the explosions) and I really did not pay much attention in Physics class in high school so alternate universes must have been covered on the day I skipped out to go to Waffle House and witnessed both a stabbing and a declaration of divorce. Though I did read a lot of comic books as a kid.

But, uh, hi. I'm Richie. I have a couple of questions.

1. How long does it take before the shock wears off and the panic sets in?
2. Does everyone come here from extremely bonkershits situations or is that just me?
3. What the fuck?

Thanks for your time.

Okay, first of all, super grateful to those who came out to do some speed dating and to those who helped with the event - those who did help, you are shining stars and I appreciate you. I'm pleased to have brought people together for hookups and/or blossoming new friendships and if you didn't have at least one decent conversation, well, maybe your personality is just terrible but that's okay! It takes all types to make a world, especially a Vallo world!

Speaking of that Vallo world, I'm having a little problem in my apartment right now? And I snapped a photo with my phone because while everyone else gets Pokemon, I got this which is literally a floor-to-ceiling portrait of the fam, and yes, I realize we all look miserable but that's because we were. Whatever.

The problem is that this monstrosity barely fits in my space and if I leave it there it might just go through the ceiling. Is there like, someone who can do a little shrinky-dink with magic or shrinky-dink technology because I don't hate the creepy dead eyes of my family following my every move, I just would rather it be in wallet-sized.

ALSO - fall scents including pumpkin, cinnamon apple, black pomegranate, and berry + fig are now available at Rose Apothecary, in a variety of products! Pamper yourself for autumn and then grab a PSL from Starbucks, because sometimes it's fun to be basic and we should just let people enjoy things~ And if anyone can help with the aforementioned Rose portrait monstrosity, I will give you free hand cream, TIA.

Guess this place decided it wanted me to have Eli back. Thought it might have been another one of those weird trips cause he was just sitting on my chest when I woke up, but turns out it was actually him. Guess I need to get a new aquarium and food.

Hello. I'm Nancy, and I was hoping to ask a few questions of anyone who might be willing to talk to me. I'd like to collect as much information as I can on individual experiences here and with [...] "world hopping" in general. This usually helps me get my bearings whenever I'm in a new place, and I'll have a better idea of where to start my investigation research.

These questions won't be shared with anyone if you'd like them to be private! You can also skip some or even comment anonymously. Anything you are willing to answer would be very helpful:

Name:
Arrival date(s):
If you were here before, do you remember it? Please elaborate.
Do you have previous experience with "world hopping" or travel like what brought you to Vallo?
Are any people from your home here, too?
What has been the most challenging adjustment for you?
Would you be willing to answer more questions if I have them?

Thank you! Please fill out the form if you're open to participating:

<b>Name:</b> <b>Arrival date(s):</b> <b>If you were here before, do you remember it? Please elaborate.</b> <b>Do you have previous experience with "world hopping" or travel like what brought you to Vallo?</b> <b>Are any people from your home here, too?</b> <b>What has been the most challenging adjustment for you?</b> <b>Would you be willing to answer more questions if I have them?</b>

Greetings, fellow kidnapped denizens! Alexis Rose, here to make your day just a little bit brighter so put on your cheap Wal-Mart sunglasses because it's time for...

SPEED DATING

Or as I like to call it, Booty Camp.

In honor of Beyoncé's glorious entrance into the world, yes, that Beyoncé whom I once met in Mykonos, there will be a speed dating event on September 4th. Hosted by moi, the event will begin at 6:00 PM and will be held at Ásynja Meadery. Food and drinks available for purchase, but try not to get too sloppy or lose your top too early.

There will be a $10 registration fee, and all proceeds go to benefit the Chakrabarti Clinic, because we all have to take care of ourselves and get those pap smears if that applies to you. If you're interested in signing up or signing up someone else who is too shy to sign up but is sitting around sad and lonely, eyeliner flaking off as they listen to Creep by Radiohead, let us know!

And if there are questions or concerns, direct them to Alexis Rose (that's me), PR Leadership for the DOA, owner of Alexis Rose Communications, and current babysitter of Rose Apothecary.

( OOC )

Been a weird fucking day. Went to grab a few things from this place in the woods and I see what you guys mean about fucking seahorse assholes. Man can't even piss in the woods without getting attacked.

Does anyone know how to get seahorse...goo? Blood? I don't even fucking know...Out of clothes. I'm used to human blood on my clothes in like bucket fulls and sort of figuring that shit out cause I'd go through way too many shirts and pants back home if I didn't. Just glad I packed my chainsaw. Fucking just in case. Some real bullshit there. Ugh. I need a shower. Fucking never trust trees. Don't know why I went in the forest. Fucking trees