vallo

Lots of new people lately.

Hi new people. I’m Thom. Have an important question for you to answer now that you’re here in Vallo.

How many three year olds could you reasonably take in a fight?

So. let’s say you were taken in by the woman who had your birth parents killed and then she raised you to be the very best time traveling assassin/fixer there is, and now you’ve got a tiny tot and you're trying to leave wet work in the past. What the hell do you put on your resume? I’ve never looked for a proper job before. It’s a ridiculous farce, isn’t it? Most of my references are either family now or very very dead.

Actually. Anyone have a band in need of a drummer? One getting paying gigs, not just sitting around in someone’s garage sweating bullets over their equipment, that is. If you have a drummer but they’re mediocre, consider punting them to the curb in favour of yours truly? I look really good in thigh high fishnets and tiny shorts, if that helps my cause any.

I have a project (Gretchen, you're going to help with this): recreating the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

According to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "The best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”

Now accepting suggestions on what the people think goes in that. My first thought was "lemonade and moonshine," but I feel like it also needs to taste good if it's the best drink in existence.

I


would like




if any of you shits makes fun of me I WILL hang you upside down by a signpost that reads 'fucknut' until you cede consciousness



a haircut?

I've never had one. I realize it's a method of self-expression. My hair is composed of organic materials but it doesn't grow so there's never been a need. But.

??? What should I do?

I don't know who ordered the killer cupids but honestly? Fuck you very much.

They say it takes the average person a month to give up on their new year's resolutions. Which - you couldn't have really wanted it if you're only willing to give it a month.

That said, who wants to go sit across from some terrible cross fit gym with me, a bottle of Jack's, and a pint of ice cream.

is anybody free to transport a small tentacle creature to the clinic?

or possibly something else

i think i got the flu

and i'm having a hard time holding a form

it keeps changing when i sneeze

this is the first time i've been able to type all morning

please help

Okay so

Before Vallo swooped us up there was this incident with a chainsaw and a got some magic mumbo-jumbo spilled into my arm that became this rash. It was gross, tried putting stuff on it to make it go away but it kinda just stuck around but then Christmas happened and my skin absorbed the rash and now I have what I think are glamour powers??

Whaddup, 2023. Miracles happen.

Currently playing around with hair colors since I have no idea what I'm doing what's happening but I'm keeping my wig collection for now.

In today's Why Doesn't Anything in Vallo Make Sense adventure - you know when you see a bunch of flickering lights, like the red and green Christmas kind, and they just sort of speak to you? All oh follow me down this path, like it's a fucking rainbow with a pot of gold or something? No? Well, I do.

Sadly there was no gold at the end of the path but I did get this bag and these socks and I'm sure its the universe's idea of some joke but jokes on them because I will totally rock this shit thank you very much.

texts to adam vasic:
» Hey.
» What are you doing right now?

Seasons greetings motherfuckers. It's that time of year again. That magical time when you all party too hard engaging in social obligations and find yourself tottering with your higher judgment totally fucked. Year three. Let's go:

As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:

• Do not drink too much.
  • Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...
• Contact me to get you there safely.
• I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
• I am also not sexually interested in you, unlike Todd from Accounting.
• I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
• Unless:
  • You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
  • You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
  • You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.
• Thank you and stay safe.
  • Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.

Don't fuck yourself up this holiday season or I'll do it for you. And a happy New Year or whatever.

Now. What fuckery does this weird-ass planet have planned for us this holiday?

Steve Rogers, reporting for duty.

How has this place not broken the time-space continuum yet? You guys are chaos.

That being said, anything I can do? Anyone need something? Also to head this off: no, I will not buy booze for you while you're underage. Don't come at the master of the craft when he's in the mature stage of his life (not a single word out of you, Kate.)

What up bitches. God everybody looks so GOOD. Somebody give me a really tall drink with a sexy name. I'll french you for it.

Actually hold that thought. I need to raid my mom's tiny baby wardrobe cause she's been here like five whole minutes.

12 more days until Halloween! Come get all your spooky tricks over at WWW, where the ever cheerful Gretchen is always ready to help point you in the right direction (which is straight to Serefin, who will take you to your desired product). Specialty fireworks are on sale for 20% off through the rest of the month.

[ FILTERED TO WIZARDING WORLD ]
Can't say I knew this version well, but sorry to see her go. Everyone else still around, yeah?

I thought I should chime in here to add on that if anyone needs help coping with the latest problems with Vallo, I can help with tea or meditation or Weeds. Or a combination of all three! It's important to be around friends in a safe environment!

Murder Mansioners, drinks (and food) on me at Al's tonight and all this week. You more than fucking deserve it.

I've been told multiple times that all of this is very real and I haven't actually gone insane, but color me skeptical still.

In the spirit of not making things worse by sitting in a room by myself all the time- Hi. I'm Emily and I'm new here. I don't really know what else to Any suggestions on how to ease into this place as someone whose experience with magic and the supernatural is limited to one old lady who occasionally gets visions and TV shows.

Does anyone have one of the large Havahart traps?

Or a trap big enough for a two faced demonic doll with homicidal tendencies. No, stabbing or shooting it will not work with it being full of stuffing.

The Book of the Dead is also missing so just leave it outside the Library door and send me a text. Thanks.

Barkers is doing a tequila race while showing the other one. I was a little fuzzy on the details last night but I fully intend on winning it. No clue what winning gets you, but I'm winning.

Don't die to those partaking in the vroom vroom race. Looks dicey as shit and you all are braver souls than most.