vallo

So totally hypothetical situation! Say you take the waypoint to go into the city and instead you end up in a weird magical island where some freaky purple haired lady speaks in a language you don't know and suddenly I have ... Magic?

Okay so not hypothetical this happened to me and it's weird. I'm not great at it but I did just accidentally clean an entire barn with some weird hand waving. Anyone want to duel?

Did anyone else wake up to a depressing clown painting randomly on their wall? And then the depressing clown coming to life after you stared at it in horror for too long? Or was that just me?

The worst part is I can't even be mad because all I feel is sad. Well, he's following me everywhere I go now, so that's actually the worst part, but the sad is up there.

This is definitely going on the 'Not Cool, Vallo, Not Cool' list.

Hey everybody, I'm the Fox Way reporter for the day! So here's what happened yesterday:

• Katou got his flirt on with a hot shepherd. Good for you, Katou! (Mike was totally useless when I asked if the shepherd was hot, even though he can see everything. He had to ask Kamala if the shepherd he invented was hot or not.)
  
• Kamala lived out the dream of petting an adorable fluffy border collie. This is honestly the best use of anyone's time in the whole game.
  
• Miffany the barmaid who wants to be a wizard enchanted TWO THINGS! You guys, I am so invested in Miffany, I really want everything to work out for her.
  
• Kellach and Nebula fought a bear and won!
  
• And Kellach got some leather pants for it, which I'm into.
  
• Iris broke into a lord's house for a prank war and won a riddle contest with a blacksmith!
  
• And Blue has a magic coat that I've been promised looks badass
  
• Actually just in general they did a lot of shopping. They've got good gear now, so I think they'll do really well when they fight the necromancer
  
• Chet turned his weird flirting into matchmaking, and he and Adaine and Blue got a lady to give her magical ex a second chance. It was really cute, I love hearing about weirdos in love.
  
• Kellach helped a ghost finish her business and move on and made a bard cry
  
• Mike wrote a whole sea shanty about a necromancer being bad at sex but couldn't come up with a better barmaid names than Tiffany, Biffany, and Miffany.
  
• But he only wrote the one song, so mostly the bard does lute covers of 70s and 80s power ballads

Anyway, today they're heading down the road to the necromancer. Mike says it'll probably take a whole day for them to get there and that there's a couple things along the road he can't talk about.

They are all doing so well and I'm so proud of everybody in there for being amazing. GO VALLO!

[FILTERED TO FRIENDS]

Hey so. We've got an appointment with a few specialists to get the ball rolling on making a baby. Idk how long it's all going to take and I only halfway understand what a surrogate coordinator even fucking does, but I figured I'd share the good news and shit. Parrish said I couldn't wear a "call me daddy" shirt to the market so. Look at that. Using my ~words~.

Anybody else not remember the name of the person they made out with last night? It was great meeting you, pretty boy, I'm Syd. I THINK you were an Outlander, but if not I guess this is just extra awkward and now everyone knows all my bullshit for no reason.

I will be finishing my degree next month. There is a requirement that I complete a technology project and share it with others for feedback. This is a one-time thing, do not get used to it. Please submit your feedback by end of day tomorrow, as I will be submitting it on Monday.

This is ReaperCAM. I have set up several monitoring locations to keep an eye on this troublemaker. No, I do not know the name of the other one but I enjoy that it harasses Reaper in such a manner that he harasses me.

Despite the best efforts of fate, Spring mead is out at Asynja. If you like floral flavors, good news. We have Hibiscus, Rose, and Lavender brewed to human strength, and several barrels of Lavender brewed to knock gods off their feet. Enjoy.

[Filtered to Kate Bishop]
If I disappeared, would you take over the meadery, close it, or sell it?
[/filter]

Meet CRASH. She's helping me feed chickens. And no I didn't dream this one. Chainsaw rescued her.

( OOC cut for picture of an opossum )

Anybody need any new tattoos? I'll give you a good deal if your shit isn't lame.

Filter: Leon The Roommate, Kate, Carol, Kamala, Violet The One With Dragons, Daud and Syd

Good afternoon. You're on the list of invites for a small get-together that Kate wants because she doesn't want to make a big deal about it (honestly, I don't blame her, I'm always like that on my birthdays too). I'm pretty sure I'd be missing people because I don't keep track of everyone she knows.

I mean, I could but then she'd tell me I'm being the scary ass spy Yelena again so.

Anyway, this Friday evening, 7PM at our house. There's at least two kids here, so we won't get too rowdy. Before you invite anyone, make sure to ask Kate first if it's okay.

Happy March, everyone. Instead of trying to put in a bid for Galdin Quay and running it into the ground because I know nothing about running a restaurant (and that makes it way better in Sanji's hands), I'm taking over Galahd instead of trying to get my sex shop back.

So, coming back - in case it stopped, I'm not 100% on that - free first drink for newcomers!

Glenn, you all know and love Glenn, will be working the bar on some evening shifts - and has permission to give away or sell any leftover bagels from his day job. Is this a way for me to get him to direct traffic from the DOA to Galahd on day 1? MAYBE.

The lovely Yelena will be splitting some her time with the Meadery as well, so you'll find her at the bar as well!

Not only that, but we're bringing back Thursday Karaoke nights, starting next week. I upgraded the equipment and got a whole bunch of new songs for the catalog. Come check it out! Fridays and Saturdays we're welcoming live local music. If you've never seen a pixie punk band, you should come by tonight and see the Tragedy Dolls.

And just because I like to see Kellach's face when he tries new stuff, we'll be doing regular tastings of weird shit. It'll be hard to top salmon vodka, but I'll put in the work.

Hi, everyone. I’m sure you’re all aware of the very recent round of vanishing friends and family again. The DOA has received reports from Vallo PD of a rash of locals disappearing again as well. It looks like we’re dealing with another portal, likely the one I’m sure we’ve all seen hovering over the mountaintops.

I received word from Keith Kogane a few minutes ago that he’d taken the Black Lion up to take a closer look through the portal. He reported seeing nothing more than stars and darkness but received readings of a lack of oxygen as he ventured out farther.

It is the DOA’s belief that, much like last month, the missing are on the other end of this new portal. With that in mind, please reply if you meet the following criteria:

You would like to be a member of the rescue team.

You have a usable spacecraft and are open to transporting teammates through the portal.

We’re going to move on this as quickly and efficiently as we can. Those who reply should report at 4:30 PM with packed bags here: [mountain coordinates].

Eat some Oreos, take care of yourself, and tell people you love them. It doesn't solve anything, but I think it helps a little.

Gangsey

I'm going to go get some of my things and the cat, and then I'm going for a walk. I might sit out with the cows for awhile too.

Love you.

[attached 1-minute video of an African Gray Parrot sitting on a tree branch, swearing up a storm while Kate intermittently giggles in the background]

Hey, does this guy belong to anyone? He might just be a stray or whatever the bird equivalent is of that, but I thought I'd check while he's chilling in my backyard. It's been a weekend of getting pets back, so I figure you never know?

[FILTERED TO BLACK WIDOW HOUSE RESIDENTS & SYDNEY CLARKE]

SO, Daud's translated-into-our-months birthday is tomorrow, and I was thinking we should do dinner over at the house. I'm planning on sweet-talking Yelena into helping me make pirozhki.

[PRIVATE MESSAGE TO DAUD]

Dinner tomorrow night? You're welcome to help cook if you want, but we're doing something for your birthday. You deserve it.

Hey guys, if you like your tentacle porn to smell like cotton candy, make your way down to the Starcourt Mall. We've got it all. Ice cream! Movies! A bunch of fucking rainbows. All the sexy-gross tentacles you could ever want. The lingering smell of sugar and cookies fucking everywhere.

You think this is enough to like, bail on work and go get a drink someplace instead?

[VOICE POST: FILTERED TO FLIPPED VALLO REBELS, VALLO PRIME, AND RESCUERS GROUP.]

I speak into it? Just like this?

Like this?

Oh, oh. I see, fascinating. What marvelous aptitude civilization has in the year—no, wait, do not tell me the year. I would like to be surprised.

Ah, yes! Right! Hello, Valloians—or do you call them Valloites? What is the consensus you have all settled on these days? Yes, yes, certainly. Outlanders? I do like that one. Much better than the name I would have given you which would be

Outlanders! I am Bronislovas, First Regent of the Ivory Three, a proud member of the Beketh coven, and known to my students, none of whom are alive given the passage of time, as the Guide of Existence. Some of you seem to be in quite the issue with the portal, and to be of any assistance and not to be zapped by a raccoon

—As I said before, I would not mind a little zap. I'm interested to see—

To be of any assistance I am doing, is that the right word? Doing an ah-ma. Is that right? Is that how you pronounce the

Oh, the letters! I see. I will be doing an AMA. You may ask me anything.

[ooc: please assume all the comments are voice-to-text, Bronnie's not typing anything.]

Good morning, everyone. I know we've all been feeling tense as we wait for word from our volunteers who went through the portal. I know that brings with it an inherent feeling of helplessness; I'm sorry there isn't more we can do on that end at the moment. However, we do have news.

The DOA received a call from the Vallo Police Department early this morning. Late last night, Dahlia Argent, of Beketh coven, turned herself in as a party in the portal beasts incident back in November. Along with our people, her sister, Luciana, was taken by the portal, as well as some Vallo residents - the exact number is currently being investigated. DOA leadership was invited to come speak with Ms. Argent, and we've learned the following:

A group of Vallo natives have been working on ways to open a portal to send Outlanders either back to their world or out of Vallo permanently. The teleportation circle found by Sam Wilson in December, as well as a portal that opened on Geliara Academy's grounds and the theft of the Ashurbanipal amulet in November were all early, failed attempts at targeting Outlanders. The November 10th incident with the portal beasts was the closest they've come to success, but they didn't have the correct knowledge to close the portals without threatening the rest of Vallo.

This group has been using the teachings and research of the Guide of Existence, also known as Bronislavas of Beketh, whose body is on display in the Vallo Museum of Natural Magicks. They've made attempts to resurrect him for his assistance - if you remember, the museum was broken into back in August and that particular exhibit was temporarily closed; this was an attempt to take one of Bronislavas' bones for the resurrection process. This plan also failed.

After discussions with VPD and Beketh, they've agreed to let Outlanders take matters into our own hands. We've been granted permission to resurrect Bronislavas and, hopefully, both get more answers on this portal and his assistance in bringing the missing back home. If any of our community have the appropriate skills for this task, please let us know here, and the DOA will facilitate any way we can.

It seems I've inherited a meadery. I can't let the place fall I don't know why in the void he thought I could

If anyone's looking for work, especially of the evening/late night variety, come see me. I need a couple of bartenders. The pay is good enough that you won't rely on tips and the patrons are usually well-behaved. The work is easy: just pull the right lever and stop when the glass is full. Sufficiently well-trained monkeys are also welcome to apply.

( Special Deliveries to Abi Blyg, Fen, Jacob Frye, Leon Orcot and Sydney Clark )

Ever since New Year's Eve people have had ideas about what new "fun" toppings they can request on pizza like they did at the charity event. Too much warm fruit. And finally today someone said they wanted strawberries, peaches, and pickled radishes with scrambled eggs and I just

I no longer work at Nino's. I quit. It was that or jail. Find a new place to knife fight out back.

FRIENDS OF GANSEY (BUT GANSEY CAN ALSO SEE.)

A certain someone's birthday is next Wednesday. Now that I have oodles of free time, you're cordially invited to clear the evening. We're doing whatever Gansey wants.