vallo

Mark your calendars, nerds! Enki Coven just scheduled a rare public event: a Physics of Transfiguration Magic lecture by Professor Marcus Islington. 18 August, 4 p.m., at the MageNet Auditorium, Q&A included, reception to follow. Tickets are free and available for purchase by anyone regardless of coven membership status, but you will need one for entry to the lecture.

[Filtered to Murderbot]
What would you say to taking a vacation?
[/filter]


[OOC: this post has been edited to remove the cover charge, this is now a free event]

( Network Post cw: pregnancy stuff! )

Announcement:

Morgan has regressed into his youth as a mimic. For those of you who missed Dorsey’s second cannibalism party, a mimic is a gnarly little shit that can turn into different inanimate objects - hence the name - and is dangerous, cunning, and vicious.

I currently have him trapped in the bathroom but what I need is a small container. Like a mason jar, but badass.

Do NOT hurt him. He’s just like one of your brats. He doesn’t know any better.

Also don’t let him reproduce in your face. My emotional needs are met by one Morgan.

I've spent the last 542 hours devising a plan to prevent what happened in Shit Future from happening here. I plotted instead of watching a lot of really good media, which should indicate the seriousness with which I take your continued breathing. We're going to address this threat with multiple levels of response: 1) we fix the faulty port traditionally used for hacking (sayonara shithead), 2) we create a new, quarantined module for the implementation of downloads and updates so that they'll be assessed for murdery vibes prior to installation, and 3) if that fails, a killswitch to power me down remotely. I'm giving it to Morgan.

There, I did it, I figured it out, the future won't happen, my carbon-based parts can stop producing stress hormones any time now.

...


fuck.

Murderbot out.

Who: Murderbot
When: 2033, this evening
What A datalog, written in first person. Murderbot examines the prime directive after setting off a trap, and discovers there are new visitors to Vallo.
Rating: PG-13 for language

( I cancel all subroutines, and initiate a primary one: patrolling. )

Does anyone else just really, really hate being here with no idea how things are going in the future?

[OOC - Please note that in any visuals, Essek has longer hair and an eyepatch over his left eye with visible scarring on that side of his face/ear/head k ty bye.]

This is so awkwa Figured out time travel, but did not plan how to

Hello. It feels odd to introduce myself as many of you already know me, but I am Essek Widogast and I'm here with Caleb (also) Widogast. If my husband's perfect recall can be relied upon, which I am willing to stake most everything on it, the versions of us that you know normally should still be deep within the Aeor that was brought to Vallo, being very much themselves while surrounded by ancient Exandrian magic and technology.

Which is to say, and I'm doing a poor job of getting to the point, we are from a different timeline and time. A few hours ago, we were in 2033 within a branch of the future that is hopefully not your own. The Temporal Concurrence and the aligning of the leylines does, it seem, allow for some otherwise so-called impossible magic when one(s) puts many months of work into entirely too many sleepless nights their wizard mind(s) to it.

I cannot promise to keep a long story short as there are many moving parts and I tend to be accidentally verbose in the best of times, but I think many of you may remember the attack from Interitus that happened in August of 2021. He was not as gone as we had all hoped and is now wreaking havoc upon my and Caleb's timeline. Thanks to the concurrence and the influx of magic, our intel is advising that he is planning on ascending beyond his current form into something akin to godhood. Should he do so, his powers will be made more or less limitless and there will be no stopping him from traveling freely within timelines to destroy every version of Vallo, as has been his will all along. Our version has just been practice for him.

As for why we have broken through literal time and space to visit the past, we are seeking aid. This has already been discussed with the DOA, but there are a few things that we are here for specifically.

First, Interitus is using a simulacrum of sorts as a power focus, which has allowed him to bide his time in our world and eventually build up enough power in secret to take over. We believe that this simulacrum had already arrived in March of 2023--in February, specifically. We do not know where, but our hope is that you fine people will be able to locate and destroy it, specifically at the height of the concurrence to not give away our plans.

Second, Caleb and I are in search of a very specific tome from the Great Library. We unfortunately do not have access to the Library in our time as you do now, but we believe that the tome we are looking for has information regarding locating the object needed to pierce through Interitus's magical defenses. If any librarian friends are willing to volunteer to help with that, as we do need this before we return to our time tomorrow, it would be greatly appreciated.

Finally, and I realize that this is the largest ask of them all, a vision from one of the Prigany psychics has shown us that there are specific people in the future that aid in the efforts. Our understanding is that these people come to us from your timeline and travel to our own. We have a list of those people, who I will be filtering separately with more information. Please know there is no expectation. We are not here to force anyone to help, regardless of psychic visions.

This is long and a great deal of information for a Monday, I understand. Caleb and I are here to answer any questions that we can--at least those questions that do not pose more harm to the timelines than our being here already might.

FILTER TO AURORA MORNINGSTAR, BILLY KAPLAN, BO DENNIS, COBB VANTH, DANIEL ARLINGTON, GALADRIEL HIGGINS, GANSEY, GLADIO AMICITIA, IRIS AMICITIA, KATOU YUE, KELLACH DONNALLEN, KRATOS, LAN XICHEN, LILA PITTS, LYDIA MARTIN, ORYM, OSTYIA RABALSKA, REMUS LUPIN, ROGIER, SAM WILSON, SARA LANCE, STEVE HARRINGTON, TALLY CRAVEN, TENNAL HALKANA, THOM SUMMER, TYLER LOCKWOOD, VEX'AHLIA + CALEB WIDOGAST

( OOC cut because I know this is getting long I AM SORRY. )

I


would like




if any of you shits makes fun of me I WILL hang you upside down by a signpost that reads 'fucknut' until you cede consciousness



a haircut?

I've never had one. I realize it's a method of self-expression. My hair is composed of organic materials but it doesn't grow so there's never been a need. But.

??? What should I do?

( Choose your opponent! )

Left to right we have: Thins, traditional, double stuff, mega stuff, and THE MOST STUFF.

Not to be confused with

( The Most Oreo Oreo )

Also, I really need some brave souls to try all of the following with me:

( Lots more pictures of questionable food. )


Not all together! Probably. :)))))))))))))))

I'm kidding!

Unless.

Also I know that the upcoming holiday is one that people have mixed feelings about, and that's okay! No one should tell you how to feel about anything, you're entitled to your feelings. Mostly I think that more love in the world is never a bad thing, whether that's romantic love, family love, friend love, or even self-love! And sometimes the last thing is the hardest one to do, so if that's the journey you're on, A++++ job you, I'm so proud of you!

But don't forget that books make AMAZING gifts for the special someone in your life (family, friend, significant other/s, or yourself!) and now that I've worked at both sides of the store I can recommend all kinds of books! Chastity's Nook was definitely more of a learning experience than the Enchanted one, but at the end of the day I think good for the centaurs, everyone deserves love!

They say it takes the average person a month to give up on their new year's resolutions. Which - you couldn't have really wanted it if you're only willing to give it a month.

That said, who wants to go sit across from some terrible cross fit gym with me, a bottle of Jack's, and a pint of ice cream.

Your onboarding is efficient, I’ll give you that.  Government red tape at home would’ve had me sitting in a waiting room and filling out forms for at least three days. And the apartment is, well. No offense, but it’s kind of ridiculous. I’ve spent months on entire spaceships smaller than that apartment. Your budget probably needs a massive overhau

Anyway. Uh I’ve never been very good at social media Thank you. For explaining the situation and telling me where to find Tennal Halkana. A few more days and he’d probably have charmed his way to the head of a gang or been exiled into the woods and tracking him down would’ve been a lot harder. I’m better at catching farm animals than people.

Oh. My name’s is Surit.  So. Yeah. Hello.

Seasons greetings motherfuckers. It's that time of year again. That magical time when you all party too hard engaging in social obligations and find yourself tottering with your higher judgment totally fucked. Year three. Let's go:

As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:

• Do not drink too much.
  • Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...
• Contact me to get you there safely.
• I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
• I am also not sexually interested in you, unlike Todd from Accounting.
• I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
• Unless:
  • You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
  • You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
  • You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.
• Thank you and stay safe.
  • Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.

Don't fuck yourself up this holiday season or I'll do it for you. And a happy New Year or whatever.

Now. What fuckery does this weird-ass planet have planned for us this holiday?

Well shit. Ain't real certain how to do this. See I was here once but I didn't even remember until I ended up back here today. I was a skinny little fella, went by the name Jesse McCree if that means anything to ya?

Is Syd still Anyway, my real name's Cole. Cole Cassidy. Howdy. It's been a nearly two decades for me and a lots changed but my beer drinking ways and dart-throwing skills are the same if anyone wants to reacquaint themselves. Gonna have to see which of the local watering holes are still kicking about.

Your panic at a semi-controlled racing environment was fun. I'm glad no one got hurt, and all of you are winners, except the ones who are losers. Let's do this again.

pretty sure i know the answer to this already but i figured it'd take a vote for validation: it's not cheating if you accidentally kissed some AU version of your dumbass boyfriend, right? my vote's no but fuck that's still weird.

I would like to update on Princess Uranium.

( This is she. )

You probably can't tell from that picture, but she is a perfect carbon-based specimen. Agile, sure-footed, and excellent at mobile trajectories from all points of origin, Princess Uranium is a fine predator and would doubtless murder all of you if she were larger. As she is miniature, she must content her bloodlust with shredding our curtains and biting our hands, or our approximation of hands when Morgan is in typhon mode. She is independent and disdainful of our attentions, except for when she is tired and we are warm. She is a fucking asshole. I have strong emotions about her I am not prepared to examine.

Thank you, Prompto, for saving her for us.

I know everyone is sad/mad/upset right now, so mini kitten adoption event over at the arts centre. There will be snacks and Mario Kart because someone doesn't know what that is.

Check in at front desk and they'll have Captain Morgan take you to where the kittens are causing chaos/enamoring the boss. Apparently you CAN play with the Sacred Lan Hair Ribbon if you're small and chaotic. (I don't recommend trying your chances.)

If you think you're missing an Abi, you're not. She's with me, she had something she wanted to do at the arts centre.

[ FILTERED TO SOPHIE DEVERAUX ]
Day 3847291074 of asking if you're ready to open your restaurant.

So, I've been here for two days now, and I can already tell that this place is a trip (in a good way, not in a "Oh shit, I accidentally wandered into a Dio album cover and now I'm fucked" kind of way. This Moon Day thing is kind of weird, but I can get behind it).

Anyway, I'm Eddie Munson, and I've already heard you guys have metal here (thanks for the recs, Danvers). What about Dungeons & Dragons. Have you guys heard of that? Because if not, boy, do I have a game for you.


Also, I'm nearly out of money (not that the welcome money wasn't nice), so if anyone has any leads on anything, let me know I guess.

The hockey humans went home several months ago, and after refusing to acknowledge their departure had any effect on my emotional state, after quantitatively reviewing data from my recent performance reliability, I can admit that their disappearance has altered my routine in negative ways (ugh).

I have decided to acquire a miniature carbon-based life form to mind, because even Morgan has his limits with my constant interferences. Because this life form is to take the place of the hockey humans, I have several requirements: I need it to be dumb, because I don't want it to outsmart me, but also I would also ask that it be tough, because I will worry about it when I'm working away from home and I don't want to live in a state of terror about its longevity.

Does anyone know where I can procure the meanest kitten? I want it to be a real asshole. Thank you.

Hey quick question, is Dracula around and does he drive a Lexus? Cause if he is and does, he's an asshole who doesn't know how to drive and he abandoned these cuties.

Does anyone know any vampire hunters? Who wants kittens??? I need to get them checked out by a vet though, so that's a tentative ask.

EDIT: I need the vampire hunter for DRACULA. NO ONE ELSE. HAPPY, NADJA?