Now, I ain't all that much 'bout Christmas, save seein' my friends and gettin' presents that sparkle near as much as my personality, but New Year's? Shit. New Year's is fun. You got a ready-made date slapped right there on the calendar for startin' fresh, doin' new ideas, plannin' out your schemes each and every month and exertin' just a hair of control on the unbroken stallion that's your future life. Then, to make things even more fun, you got a way to make hearts go boom in two ways - either a kiss at midnight, or my personal favorite, fireworks.
The following two pretties'll be sold at Bombshell from Monday, December 28th - through New Year's Eve at 2:00pm only. They're limited - first come, first serve - save for my close, personal friends who get first dibs on 'em this weekend as a 'thank you' for their Bombshell subscription (please see B.O.B. or yours truly if you're interested in joinin' up).
Midnight Kiss: Take romance into your own hands by settin' off this purple, blue and pink firework that'll make every New Year's Eve sky look just like it should for the start of a new love affair: glittery, glitzy, and smellin' of smoke.
Resolution Revolution: Get a head start on your goals this year by blowin' negativity sky high with this firework set that actually counts down the last 10 seconds of the year. This pack of reliable babies will make sure you don't miss a single moment of the old year while gettin' you set up for the new.
And, of course, I'll be selling sparklers for the kiddies that even a total idiot couldn't hurt himself with (make sure you sign the required waiver that B.O.B. will provide upon purchase).
Now, I figure most of you people'll be drinkin' and carousin' New Year's Eve. That's just fine. When you wake up the next day madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory 'cause your throat hurts and your head hurts and you wanna die, why don't you skedaddle that pretty dehydrated ass over to the Deadgang Hideout on the edge of town (coordinates/directions attached)? B.O.B. and I'll be servin' up vittles that are guaranteed to perk you right on up and give you luck for the new year, including Hoppin' John (with ham hock and black eyed peas, 'course, this ain't my first rodeo), collards, cornbread with honey butter, and Jesse's favorite tamales, that I ain't never done before and will probably fuck up big time, but B.O.B. promised to supervise and he's got a good head for measurements. Come on by anytime between 10:00am New Year's Day through to 8:00pm. No weapons, no hollerin', and no fightin' unless you take it outside, take your shirts off, and make it look real damn good.
My resolution? Thanks for asking. Why, it's not to be so nice. I'm such a retiring, sweet little thing. I need to be more assertive, get what I want outta life.