InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Like Pinhead without the pins."

murderbot (secunit) wrote in valloic,
@ 2022-12-02 09:28:00

Entry tags:

!: network post, temp character: cole cassidy, ₴ inactive: gretchen cutler, ₴ inactive: lee thompkins, ₴ inactive: morgan yu, ₴ inactive: murderbot, ₴ inactive: sabrina spellman

Seasons greetings motherfuckers. It's that time of year again. That magical time when you all party too hard engaging in social obligations and find yourself tottering with your higher judgment totally fucked. Year three. Let's go:

As we near the holiday season, I'll remind you:
Do not drink too much.
Because I know you will, as (most) of you are human and stupid, and drinking too much is how you demonstrate cheer without having to rely on creativity, when you drink too much and you are worried about getting home...

Contact me to get you there safely.
I am responsible, discreet, and used to having humans leak mysterious fluids of all kinds on me.
I am also not sexually interested in you, unlike Todd from Accounting.
I will ensure that you reach home without incident and will annoy you until you drink at least three glasses of water.
Unless:
You want to talk about your feelings, my feelings, or some other person's feelings. I don't care.
You hit on me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I find human sexual interaction disgusting AF.
You insult me or behave rudely. I don't fucking put up with that. This is a free service. Behave like something better than your species.

Thank you and stay safe.
Unless I don't like you, in which case, die in a snowbank.

Don't fuck yourself up this holiday season or I'll do it for you. And a happy New Year or whatever.

Now. What fuckery does this weird-ass planet have planned for us this holiday?

(Post a new comment)

	whoareyu 2022-12-02 03:36 pm UTC (link)
	Here's hoping we don't end up in another Hallmark movie, cute as our trope-flipping was. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secunit 2022-12-02 03:39 pm UTC (link)
	Fuck the cute tiny town. I want access to an electronics store with options. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	whoareyu 2022-12-02 03:53 pm UTC (link)
	Honestly, the most unrealistic part of Serendipity Hills was the idea that my parents would so much as own property in a tiny town. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secunit 2022-12-02 03:58 pm UTC (link)
	I guess there's less red tape involved in demolishing local business, but yeah. Not nearly enough sterile modern architecture for them. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	whoareyu 2022-12-02 04:06 pm UTC (link)
	I think the Void version of them had the town's tree for a conference table, though. It definitely looked like one solid piece of ancient hardwood. [Filtered to Murderbot] You see that? I made a joke about the Void. Progress! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	pathofnight 2022-12-02 03:41 pm UTC (link)
	Are we making bets on what craziness we're going to deal with? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secunit 2022-12-02 03:46 pm UTC (link)
	You humans can spend their money in foolish games of chance if you wish. I'm sure whatever happens it's going to be annoying as fuck. I don't want to murder things this holiday season. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	pathofnight 2022-12-02 04:03 pm UTC (link)
	Alas, probably can't murder the toxic family. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	unlovable 2022-12-02 04:52 pm UTC (link)
	Amen to that. murderbot. Humans probably aren't supposed to live in a snowglobe from hell and get stuck in some weird pocket dimension of whatever this is but here we are. I'm alright. The ratio of daytime sobriety to not is a little worse than usual but hey, not like I got much else going on for me so why the fuck not right. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)