vallo

Hey, people who are recovering from any of this going on, we've got casseroles and pot pies and foods that are easy to heat up and will last a few meals. Bitty has been cooking nonstop.

So if you want food delivered to you or a friend, just comment here and I'll stop by with something, we've got poppyseed chicken, hashbrowns casseroles, a few eggplant/vegetarian casseroles, some chicken or turkey pot pies, roasted vegetable pot pies, and a mushroom and potato one.

If you're also cooking and want to join in on food delivery, feel free to chime in, any of us here at the Haus are happy to deliver for you.

Y'all! Nearly five years ago I met the most serious, terrifying, and wondrously kind human being. He went from being my hockey captain to my friend to my boyfriend to my fiancé to my husband (!!!) and I couldn't be happier to spend another birthday with him! First birthday of yours while we're married, honey! ♥ He doesn't like a big show, so I promise I will not talk about all his best qualities for pages, but I do have them at the ready and will break them out without warning!

With that said, I'm offering maple-sugar-crusted apple pie (his favorite!) to anyone who says happy birthday to my husband, Jack Bittle-Zimmermann today! I want everyone to celebrate! 🥰

Lardo and I have finished watching The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon, the greatest television show of all time (there are no better ones; I will not accept alternates at this time from wrong people). Should I:

A) Restart it from the beginning.
B) Watch something new.






(I'm going to do A, but I thought you might want to have a feeling of influence if I included a poll. Humans fucking love feeling influential.)

Bros, I had a stroke of artistic inspiration that may or may not have been sparked by the pot, thanks Eli for hooking a bro up and I'm starting work on a collage-sculpture piece. So I need the following, if anyone has any of this laying around and wants to contribute to the cause, hit a girl up.

Sheet music (bassoon preferred, oboe is an appropriate second choice)
Abacus
18 marbles (no shooters)
Rubber duck
Bottle of Windex
Shoelace (if brown need only one, if those curly no-tie ones, as many as humanly possible)
Butter knives (three, from different cutlery sets please)
Intact fish skeleton
Zebra Stripe gum (don't @ me, I know it's gross)
Round metal lids from yogurt (not mixed berry, I have too many of those)
Golf pencils (unsharpened)
Wrapping paper OR a birthday card about getting old/going over the hill (btw, embrace aging, my bà's bà is still alive and fucking owns mahjong every Wednesday)

Also a Mountain Dew Major Melon slurpee, but that's to keep the genius flowing and might also be a product of the pot.

Thanks!

Y'ALL! I know the gremlins have been a little bit distracting, but now that they are gone (and goodness, not coming back anytime soon, thanks to y'all who take care of those sorts of things!) this is just your reminder that the bake-off is happening on Saturday! The Muffin Man has been keeping their baked goods recipes on lockdown, but I'm determined to beat them in the ultimate baking display! (But y'all are welcome to eat everything we make, that was part of the bake-off rules.)

It just so happens to be Tater's birthday too, so y'all better come out even if you don't like pie (which bless your heart, I don't know anyone who doesn't like pie and maybe you need to rethink your food preferences and let someone into your life that loves to bake and will make you pie!)

But y'all, don't forget about the Outlander baking contest, too! We have so many talented bakers here and I want to celebrate everyone's skills ♥ So sign up if you haven't already, and whoever wins the competition will get their pie featured at the shop for the rest of the summer!

Speaking of the shop! We still have the summer menu going strong, and a bigger menu for y'all is on the way when we do the grand opening soon :)

SUMMER PIE MENU

BROS. It's not every day that my hot ass genius of a partner becomes a hot ass genius of a partner who also happens to have graduated from law school. Let me tell you a story, B. Shitty Knight, Esq. is the best human being in the world, the first to stand up for people but also to stand back and let people shine. He makes the best tub juice, is a fantastic beer pong competitor, shows up at 4 AM to bedazzle the fuck out of a jockstrap when you're having a breakdown, rocks a stache like no one else, and overall I'm just so fucking proud of him.

So in honor of all of that, the Haus proudly presents:

You've Been Served: Case Closed-It's a Kegger-Shitty Graduated-Lawyer Up-See You Later Litigator-This Lawyer is Appealing Haus Party!

Come for the baked goods, the law pun shots, the beer pong, the tub juice, stay for all of that too! On the 18th at the Haus, the party don't stop 'til we drop. Even if you've never been to a Haus party, who cares, stop by! We're going to have a blast.

Haus

I created folders with your Haus party tasks, you guys are amazing, we're going to party it up. Plus, we're doing a bar crawl, LMK when you all are free/if this is a pre-game or post-game situation.

Y'ALL! It has been a minute, hasn't it? First of all, thank you to everyone who handled taking down that awful person who was terrorizing Vallo! Y'all are major heroes in my book, so make sure you come claim your free mini-pie for a job well done! ♥ Kratos, you get whatever you want for the next week! Even if I heard what you did and I think that might have been just a little bit of an overkill

On that note, the pie menu this month is full of all my summer favorites, but y'all are going to have to put in pre-orders and do pick-up and delivery while we get the final details ready on Bitty's Bakes! (Oh goodness, that's me, y'all! My own pie shop, which I cannot have done without my wonderfully perfect husband who looks just absolutely fantastic swinging around a sledgehammer and wearing a hardhat 😏 and not without the help of all my friends at the Haus who have worked non-stop, even when I was recovering in April! :( )

We're doing a soft opening this month, with the grand opening corresponding to a very friendly bake-off with the Muffin Man bakery in July. I had to promise it was friendly because I would do whatever it takes to crush him in Keep your eyes open, your baking chops ready, and your stomachs prepared to eat a ridiculous amount of pie! :)

Speaking of baking, I noticed a lot of you were struggling to cook when we were in the past! I understand it was not an ideal situation, and even I had to improvise, but if y'all need some assistance learning in the present, you know I'm always happy to help you learn from pies, to brownies, to even souffles! We can break in my new kitchen at the shop and use the megaoven Brigitte built for it! 😘

SUMMER MENU!

Big news bros, huge.

I developed superpowers.

I know when someone will sneeze. Like, anyone. Walking down the street, on tv, even in a book.

Not sure what I will do with this massive responsibility that's been placed upon my shoulders, but I'm taking suggestions. Even better if someone wants to help me create an action figure. Or, if you have the power to pull Kleenex out of no where, let's team up and save the world.

Humans, non-humans, and other:

I require a movie or a media series in which artificial life is a positive force for good. Or maybe just not fucking ominous; that'd be fine too. In so much of your popular culture, advanced technology is depicted as the domain of villainy or cruelty. I promise, we're not like that. Mostly, we're bored and just doing our jobs like anyone else.

I've already seen "Wall-E" and every single Star War. I'd appreciate any suggestions, but I prefer films that have happy endings and don't have much violence.

The kiln seems to actually be working, I think. I made a really terrible bowl just to test it and nothing's exploded inside or out, yet? I made it pretty big seeing as Lardo wants to do classes with it but we're going to need a lot of firewood to keep it going.

[Nursey]
Uh. I miss you, by the way. I got some of that expensive ice cream you like for when you're back.

UH WTF, is everyone missing or just me?

EDITED LATER: Did you end up with a weird journal next to you? Trying to get a headcount I should NOT be in charge of this

Haus + Hockey Team -Eric Bittle-Zimmermann

Okay, everyone, Canada's Sweetheart Jack Bittle-Zimmermann is planning a party for our fave Bitty and I'm doing the cake (technically I'm not making the cake, only decorating it, because I would never put that pressure on myself in a hundred billion years). It's a giant Bitty face made of cupcakes, I've been watching like, a fuck ton of Food Network and I plotted this out and I feel good about it.

So here's what I need:

1. People to go pick up cupcakes at various locations because I'm getting different flavors of cake, obvs
2. People to pick up frostings. Like. A fuck ton of frosting.
3. Murderbrones to help me see from above.
4. Shoulder massages, preferably from a mustachioed lawyer
5. Big ass tables.




6. A way to transport the cake creation. I will take any and all suggestions, if I have to live at Faber for the next few days I will.

Intel: I observed a really fucking weird phenomenon: a human turned into a puppet after nearly being hit by another human on a bicycle. Going to guess this is magic bullshit, and therefore doesn't fall under my security jurisdiction, but I figured I'd write about it so you're aware the next time you experience a surplus of emotions and find yourself made of felt.

You guys need more meditation. I hear it helps.

Let's hear it for Nursey!

[POSTED TO THE NETWORK & AROUND VALLO. Literally. Like flyers. Everywhere.]

[HAUS + HOCKEY TEAM & FRIENDS]

Hey. Sorry if I was abrupt at the clinic-- I'm- yeah. I know I probably don't have to apologize, but I wanted to anyway.

Bitty's coming home this weekend, he'll be on bed rest for a while, then light rest, go from there. No baking, no grocery shopping, no heavy lifting, bending, crouching, stretching. I'll have a full list by the end of the day and I'll get it put around the haus.

No hockey practice next week, rest, recover, take some time. We'll start back up April, and I'll lead practice for a few weeks until his restrictions are lighter.

I have a few requests: Can we get him a comfortable recliner or chair for the living room? Lardo's got my financials and a debit card to my account, someone pick out the most comfortable chair possible and get it delivered?

I could use a few extra hands to move around the furniture in our room tomorrow. And I need about 50000 new pillows.

Uh-food? Bits can do meal planning and some directing so we'll have to cook and grocery shop or order out. Maybe someone can make a chart for the house? Everyone's responsible for one night a week?

Anyway, yeah. Thanks, guys. I'm probably forgetting something, so feel free to add on? Or tell me to

MEDIC, MEDIC HELP

Bitty's been hurt - badly, as in I worked for necromancers for years and I'm freaked out -- we're just outside of Morningside, I cleared the area of the Vultures so we're safe for the time being -- I don't know if I should carry him or what, he's -- if you can hustle to us that'd be -- I'll carry him if I need to bc I am panic!swole but I don't want to in case that makes it worse

the pies are flatlined too

Trying every sore throat remedy today and politely asking the Gods of Spring to give a bro a break. Everything itches and I can't sing and blow my nose at the same time.

[FILTERED TO THE HAUS]

Yo Annie's is here. Got myself a triple soy vanilla latte no foam and didn't even drop it on the way out.

Hey, Solnyshko, how many tentacles are you searching before you have to say "tentacles but don't make it weird"? Also, please be setting thirst trap soon!

Zimmboni, locker rooms are disgusting. You know this! How can you think sexy thoughts about locker room, knowing how locker room is smelling? I am shaking head.

Harry Potter, everybody is liking you. You are best! Do not let Snapes get you down. I hope you find many good chicken wings!

Gideon, are you getting more tits or better tits by using capital letters?

Dex, best poetry is by Pushkin. Well, is good in Russian. idk if is good in English.

Ciri, can you actually be deleting search history? I know you have big powers, but I did not think they were computer powers.

Person who is making dampfnudel, say hello! I want to make friends with people who are making dampfnudel! Is very good dessert! Also tell us if you find cat sweaters, that is very funny! I want to put cat sweater on cat.

[ Texts to Nursey - that get sent to the Haus Group Chat instead all in one go ]

» You might as well move into my room at this point lol
» 🪒 I'm too old for emoji, who's going to use this? Sweeney Todd?
» I was looking online and I found that some places sell hair growth portions or spells?
» *potions
» I hope this kiln doesn't explode on me.
» Have I done something or are you just busy?

[Five minutes after those sent]

» oh shit

Hey y'all! I know you've been waiting for a menu change for Rose Apothecary, and I have some terrible news. There will be no new pie menu for this month. :( We'll be keeping the same ones from last month, mostly because I think y'all are sleeping on Strawberry Cream and Shitty will agree with me! But the reason for this is because my wonderful and beautiful husband has helped me start renovations on a storefront for a full-time pie shop! Name pending, but I'm always open for ideas!

I'll still be supplying baked goods to Rose Apothecary, but an extended menu will be available at the pie shop. Stay tuned for an announcement! I hope y'all are as excited as I am!

FILTERED TO THE HAUS.

This is a reminder to y'all that Tater is bringing Solaire over for brunch tomorrow, so don't forget to be on your best behavior and be on time!