vallo

Caught a fish today claiming to be the Salmon of Knowledge. I quickly noticed problems with this assertion:

- If a fish held all worldly knowledge, you'd think it would know how to avoid obvious bait.
- It wasn't even a salmon.

I called the fish a liar, and the fish insisted "it was just a prank, bro" and then suggested that essential oils would cure my arthritis. I suggested that the Bass of Bullshit would be delicious simmered in a tomato sauce.

I decided to throw it back instead, just in case the bullshit is catching. So, keep an eye out for that one if you're fishing off New Asgard.

Yesterday was Aromantic Visibility Day, which obviously means I pounced on Yelena and woke her up with a full-on mountain of ace and aro merch since it's PRIDE MONTH!! and I do what I want.

But, I mean, look at all this super cute stuff. Can I really be blamed? Yelena, you better keep this stuff away from your Bird of Destruction.

Anyway, hug your aroace people! Always but especially if you forgot about yesterday. Even if they curse at you in Russian because you broke a pillow on their face, they really appreciate it, I promise.

(Do NOT try to outdrink them, though, because you will have regrets in the morning when they choose to enact their revenge while you're on death's doorstep.)

I said it last year, but apparently I have to say it again this year, since people keep asking: there are no oysters in the summer. This is oyster spawning season. If you got oysters now, they would be soupy and disgusting, and you would be preventing future generations of oysters. This also goes for mussels. Get some damned shrimp and scallops and wait for the Month of Harvest September.

While I'm making announcements: Do not waste your time reading The Outlander's Lady by Belladonna Seward. It's clearly written by someone who never stopped to talk to any of us, and the "plot" is just a thin excuse for increasingly dramatic sex.

[Filtered to Thor]
I just spent forty more dollars on plants. This is your fault.

You know, as far as interdimensional adventures go, I think this might be- no, definitely is the best one. Did I have to register myself for money? Sure, I did a lot more for a driver's license. Do I have all my gear? No, but I'm sure I can get more. Does my hip kind of hurt from my landing? Oh yeah.

BUT the people I love are here. Most of them. And the most important one (no offense to the others, you understand). So things are definitely looking up.

Now all I need is a place to get a great burger and life will be perfect.

Oh yeah, sorry. Peter Quill, nice to be here.

Today is Memorial Day back home, which I don't really feel qualified to speak on (take it away, Steve). But I looked it up, and it's also Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day in the U.S., which is supposed to bring you prosperity and good fortune.

So, Lena, Tasha - leave my pillow where it is. It's not just me being messy. Em, I'm about to do the same at your apartment, you're welcome. 💜

Steve the Rat reminded me this morning that it's been a year since he officially decided to move in. I don't know

Fuck, what was I saying? Oh, right.

I don't know if that's really something to celebrate since he showed up when I had a summon one rat power and almost immediately stopped doing what I told him to do and then decided all on his own, Steve to move in, but I guess I'm picking up a pizza tonight.

( Voicemail to Adora )

As if being a teenager again wasn't bad enough.

Where the fuck did all these crop tops come from? Did teenage me buy them??? Why do they all looks so fam

i require MEAD. however much a pouch full of gold coin or a favor from a son of odin will get me. i have none of your fancy paper bills or cards of credit so do not ask for any.

( Read more... )

I awakened this morning to discover that my husband is thirteen years older and has no recollection of Vallo. Is anyone experiencing similar difficulties?

With school almost out, I'm curious what this place has in the way of summer camps this year. It's up to the kids, but if I have to be in this house with a bunch of wound up teenagers in need of entertainment the next few months, I might drink too much need more hobbies of my own.

Maybe I'll get a motorcycle.

[GROUP TEXT TO NATASHA ROMANOFF & YELENA BELOVA]

» Apparently, today's daily holiday is Brothers and Sisters Day, which means you're both legally obligated to spend the day with me as of now. 🥰
» Patio furniture shopping and lunch? Maybe a movie later?
» ( GIF )

So. let’s say you were taken in by the woman who had your birth parents killed and then she raised you to be the very best time traveling assassin/fixer there is, and now you’ve got a tiny tot and you're trying to leave wet work in the past. What the hell do you put on your resume? I’ve never looked for a proper job before. It’s a ridiculous farce, isn’t it? Most of my references are either family now or very very dead.

Actually. Anyone have a band in need of a drummer? One getting paying gigs, not just sitting around in someone’s garage sweating bullets over their equipment, that is. If you have a drummer but they’re mediocre, consider punting them to the curb in favour of yours truly? I look really good in thigh high fishnets and tiny shorts, if that helps my cause any.

PEOPLE oh my god!! I was over on Wide Street (or ~Rue Grand~ as the theatre people call it) to get those super fancy pastries after training, and I found out that Rogers: The Musical is coming to Vallo!

( OOC cut for my badly edited poster )

This is crucial information, and I don't know how I missed the advertising, but ANYWAY. The show was a massive hit back home before I ended up here, and if you're considering seeing it, YOU SHOULD. It's a little ridiculous and not super historically accurate, but it's fun!

(Also, Steve, I asked, and they said they'd LOVE to have you whenever you want and you obviously get in free. I'm guessing that'd probably be true for the rest of the Avengers here, too!)

P.S. NAT 👀👀👀 we must go, don't argue with me.

I fucked up and fell into a stupid goddamn trap and now they took Eleven and brought her to that bastard. She's a thrall now. Please watch out for her. We can finish this and we can save her, but if she hurts any of us, she might never forgive herself. I'm going to do everything I can to lock her down tomorrow so just. Run if you see her. Use any mind protection you know. Stay behind cover. Distract her.

Just don't kill my kid please, I can't Anybody with good mental shields that can help me out, let me know.

Dear Vallo: anything but larger than life fucking cicadas. I wouldn't mind a giant bunny if you had to but seriously? Cicadas??

Not normally phobic of bugs in general but I think a new fear has unlocked.

And I know this is a little late in the day but, uh.. heads up. Don't go into the forest unless you have strong enough weapons and a stomach of steel.

Vallo this is so not cool it's still my birthday month!!

[FILTERED TO FRIENDS & FAMILY]

Alright, SO, my birthday's in two weeks. You all probably know I require more attention on my birthday than some - no gifts, though, I'm good there. In the absence of Disney (unless Vallo decides to be nice again 👀), I want to plan something fun. I'm not old enough for the wine-and-cheese night that Google suggested.

Karaoke? Escape room? But that wouldn't be fun for spy and spy-adjacent people. Rage room? Everyone here probably likes breaking shit sometimes. OR we could stick with the theme park idea and go to Blizzard World or Critical Role Land since those are more kid-friendly! (Pepper, please can the kids come?)

Opinions? Please help.

Is it all over yet? Truly over? I never hated Valentine's Day. It was a day and I usually use it to splurge a little on friends I love platonically, but I also never dealt with a Valentine's Day that shoved people together in closets. To the poor soul* who was stuck with me for a bit: they caught me directly after the gym, I will not apologize for having natural body odor.


*ooc: position open to anyone at all

[ GROUP TEXT: NATASHA, YELENA, & KATE ]

» I woke up to a cat sleeping on one of my pillows this morning.
» I can't be positive, but I believe she belongs to my comics counterpart. Her name is Liho.
» I've got the door closed for now, so just be mindful if either of you go to steal some of my clothes this morning.
» I'm going to pick up some things for her on my way home, and we can work on slowly introducing her to the rest of the animals later this week.

( TEXT TO STEVE )