vallo

What the actual fuck, Vallo. August? What the hell happened to March through July?

Alright, dumb dumbs, who's still kicking around and buying me a drink? Or several.

Okay, so I signed up for my first Fight Club. I haven't trained with anyone like, ever, I don't eat people so I don't have all the fun wendigo powers, I have some greater-than-average BS like healing and stamina but like, again, I don't eat people so they're not all that great, a murder turkey once kicked my ass and my greatest win to date has been beating the shit out of some punk in the fifth grade who stole my Cool Ranch Doritos.

a) Am I going to die, and b) who's betting on me?

Based on everybody's leaked search histories, I'm getting the idea that Vallo needs a better dating app. I've got the skills to build one. What features would you want to see?

Premise: A dating app for all species, all genders, and all sexualities. Ability to match, flirt, or message built-in. Flexible profile system allowing users to include whatever information about themselves or about what they're looking for that users find relevant. Clean, simple interface; profiles are conversation starters, not novels. Can be used equally well to find hookups or long-term relationship possibilities.

Some ideas I'm already working on:
- Some kind of unsolicited-dick-pic prevention. (Murderbot - do you think you could help with the design of a dick-recognition system sophisticated enough to make sure nobody sees a dick they don't want to see, but will also allow requested dicks and not instantly punish people for sending pictures of eggplants and cucumbers?)
- Search system allowing users to filter-in or filter-out profiles based on keywords and features of profiles. (Example: user Jessica Rabbit filters in all profiles with asexual identities, does not apply a filter to gender alone, and filters out all profiles that are identified as BOTH human AND male.) (With the flexible profile system, this can only get but so specific - if user Morgan wants to filter out everybody who hates baseball or filter in only people who enjoy European dance pop, Morgan's gonna have to handle that himself by talking to people.)

I could also use some brainstorming help coming up with a name. Currently scrawled on the whiteboard in my kitchen are:
Dater
Meeter
Alchemy
Connection
Connecter
Attach
Bridge
Tag

Fuck a god damn duck. POOP IS WEIRD, OKAY? DON'T JUDGE ME.

[ooc: please feel free to have any failures of communication happen!]

Anyone up for a hump day bar crawl?

filtered to morgan.
Hey, roomie - got a potentially existential crisis inducing question for you if you're up for it?

I hit a low point last night and tried to order Door Dash off the calculator app on my phone. First step back up is admitting it, right?

Anyone need a chef? Not trained in some fancy institute but my gumbo was famous in the Quarter back home. Not a brag, literally just trying to get out of writing a resume.

I was rewatching my favorite episode of Sanctuary Moon (episode 324, "Galava's Belt") earlier today and now I have a question that I am not sure I want to know the answer to, but I'll ask it anyway and if you all are disgusting in your answer I'll just fucking ignore you: why do humans shut their eyes when they kiss their romantic partners? Is it the pores? I bet it's the pores.

I don't know what's going on. I'd much rather be back home, thank you very much.

Very appreciative of the fact that I'm no longer a Barbie girl, living in a Barbie world. Life in plastic was not fantastic at all. Please don't do that again, Vallo. I rather fight giant acid spitting spiders again.

WWW is looking for product testers. The position pays in products and you have to sign a liability waiver, but you'll be doing beta testing. Alpha testing is done by us, so you don't really have to worry about side effects, but more about giving us your honest opinions on the products before we release them for sell.

Come see me or my uglier twin, Fred, if you're interested.

Yeah, I'd like to lodge a complaint about the murder turkey's lack of respect to breakfast happy hour. They owe me the rest of my $19.99 bottomless mimosa.

And a new pair of shoes.

I opened a cabinet today, and there's my wok, my steamer, and my rice cooker. Not just any wok, my wok, carbon steel with 15 years of seasoning on it. I'm guessing that's something that just happens here sometimes?

[Filtered to Gretchen]
Want to celebrate Lunar New Year Sichuan-style? We put up red lanterns, eat a shitton of food with whoever we decide doesn't suck (since we don't have families here and lbr, ours are kind of lousy anyway), and set off fireworks. I'll cook, you find a source for baijiu. It's on February 12 this year.
[/filter]

[Filtered to Brigitte]
Hey, I was thinking about what you said earlier, about not ever having a Valentine's date. How would you feel about being lowkey set up for one? I figure between me, Henry, Thom, and Erik, we know some quality date options.
[/filter]

Added after this conversation
[Filtered to Jester + the Papa's Pride Workshop gang]
So it turns out the boss has never had a Valentine's date. I got her permission to set her up with people. Who do we know who's potentially worthy, won't be bothered by the fact that she hasn't dated a lot before, and is in approximately the right age range?
[/filter]

Added after this conversation
[Filtered to Eloise and Daphne Bridgerton]
1. How old are you?
2. Do you have any romantic interest in women, a la Sappho?
[/filter]

Hey, a couple of my compatriots from Satan's Snowglobe originally came from early 19th century London, so I wanted to make sure a few things are true here before we take them on a Women's Rights Tour of the Future. Please confirm that the following are accurate here in Vallo:

1. Women can wear whatever they please
2. Women can have bank accounts
3. Women can wear trousers
4. Women can own land
5. Women can marry or not marry as they see fit, regardless of how their male relatives feel about it, and regardless of the gender of the person they may or may not choose to marry
6. There is nothing strange about a woman having a profession
7. Women enjoy the same sexual freedoms as any other gender, including the ability to prevent pregnancy
8. Genders other than "man" and "woman" are recognized, including but probably not limited to nonbinary, agender, genderfluid

Alright new faces. Welcome to the shit show.

I have absolutely nothing of value to contribute except for the fact I have spent over two months hoarding any scrape of booze I could get my hands on. Apartment 507. If you have a cup, bring a cup.

Oh and the Goldschläger is off limits because I like feeling fancy despite the fact I haven't had a decent shower in weeks. Don't touch the Goldschläger.

tw: discussion of pregnancy in comments

Things I didn't miss:

Nearly burning down the house trying to make a Thanksgiving dinner.

Things I am missing:

Black Friday. I need new boots and do not want to pay full retail thank you very much.

((pls to ignore the tag dump on this))