vallo

[FILTERED TO CAST OF THE ADDAMS FAMILTY & HAUS RESIDENTS]

YO, I know it's crazy last minute but black & white cast party at the Haus tomorrow night? Bitty's offered to bake if that sways your vote (it should, if you have any taste buds whatsoever, but I'm not here to judge). I was thinking we could put up a projector on the side of the Haus, play some of the old tv show. Or you can just come to get trashed on tub juice. #liveyourbestlife

Just don't show up to opening night looking like microwaved meatloaf.

Edited to add: Or we could do it after closing night and pretend I'm not an idiot who got excited to throw a party with an Addams Family theme? Tell me what you guys want here.

Hey, people who are recovering from any of this going on, we've got casseroles and pot pies and foods that are easy to heat up and will last a few meals. Bitty has been cooking nonstop.

So if you want food delivered to you or a friend, just comment here and I'll stop by with something, we've got poppyseed chicken, hashbrowns casseroles, a few eggplant/vegetarian casseroles, some chicken or turkey pot pies, roasted vegetable pot pies, and a mushroom and potato one.

If you're also cooking and want to join in on food delivery, feel free to chime in, any of us here at the Haus are happy to deliver for you.

TUESDAY TEAM TRIVIA AT THE LEAKY CAULDRON

Y'all! Nearly five years ago I met the most serious, terrifying, and wondrously kind human being. He went from being my hockey captain to my friend to my boyfriend to my fiancé to my husband (!!!) and I couldn't be happier to spend another birthday with him! First birthday of yours while we're married, honey! ♥ He doesn't like a big show, so I promise I will not talk about all his best qualities for pages, but I do have them at the ready and will break them out without warning!

With that said, I'm offering maple-sugar-crusted apple pie (his favorite!) to anyone who says happy birthday to my husband, Jack Bittle-Zimmermann today! I want everyone to celebrate! 🥰

Lardo and I have finished watching The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon, the greatest television show of all time (there are no better ones; I will not accept alternates at this time from wrong people). Should I:

A) Restart it from the beginning.
B) Watch something new.






(I'm going to do A, but I thought you might want to have a feeling of influence if I included a poll. Humans fucking love feeling influential.)

Bros, I had a stroke of artistic inspiration that may or may not have been sparked by the pot, thanks Eli for hooking a bro up and I'm starting work on a collage-sculpture piece. So I need the following, if anyone has any of this laying around and wants to contribute to the cause, hit a girl up.

Sheet music (bassoon preferred, oboe is an appropriate second choice)
Abacus
18 marbles (no shooters)
Rubber duck
Bottle of Windex
Shoelace (if brown need only one, if those curly no-tie ones, as many as humanly possible)
Butter knives (three, from different cutlery sets please)
Intact fish skeleton
Zebra Stripe gum (don't @ me, I know it's gross)
Round metal lids from yogurt (not mixed berry, I have too many of those)
Golf pencils (unsharpened)
Wrapping paper OR a birthday card about getting old/going over the hill (btw, embrace aging, my bà's bà is still alive and fucking owns mahjong every Wednesday)

Also a Mountain Dew Major Melon slurpee, but that's to keep the genius flowing and might also be a product of the pot.

Thanks!

Um. Hi. I’ve realized that my initial post here wasn’t particularly inviting, and I thought it might be a good idea to try it again.

I’m David Rose. Some of you apparently know me. A lot of you know my sister, Alexis. I no longer totally believe that you’re a cult.

So you can consider this my official introduction.

[DOA Members]
I apologize for insisting that you were all actors. I’m also not a vampire despite what I may have put on my registration form. I obviously didn’t believe that the form was serious when I filled it out. I’m also not 26, but-

[Rose Apothecary Staff & Associates]
I literally know nothing about any of you except for the fact that someone makes pies. Please, introduce yourselves. I plan to visit my store soon and I would like to know who and what to expect.

[Alexis]
Was that completely horrific? I am not used to dealing with this many people so… positively.

[Cleo]
I seriously do still want to know more about that blackmarket fish salesman. I keep thinking about it.

BEST!!! BIRTHDAY!!! EVER!!!

Pies all were so good! I was sad to vote only for one pie every time, because all pies so delicious. I want to vote for every pie! Here, I could not vote for every pie, but I tell you why I love your pie:

Ignis, Gingersnap Crumble Pie: THE TOPPING! Yes, crust is good, filling is good, but TOPPING IS AMAZING. I would eat topping without rest of pie. Straight into face all crunchy, sounds good, yes please. You are so good baker, good job.

Persephone, Apple Pie: Is this pie magic? It makes me feel like my Babka is sitting beside me to eat. This pie was delicious, but better than delicious, it feel good. You are amazing, pie is amazing, now I miss family.

Sophie, Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie: This pie was so much, I wanted glass of milk to go with, but also would be good with nice glass of bourbon, too! Pie is INTENSE and GOOD, like third overtime shift go into VICTORY. And so much different feeling in mouth! Great pie, you are great.

Wanda, Raspberry Meringue Pie: This is like opposite of Sophie pie, but in best way! Sophie pie is midnight in autumn, rich and sexy. This pie is beach in summer, bright and cute! It feels like cool water on hot day! So fresh and light, I love! Pie is swawesome, so are you.

Cullen, Dariolles: I did not expect liking this pie, and thought maybe you enter for joke, but surprise, is good! Nice custard, nice break from very sweet stuff! Crust was best part, like you use best butter. You and pie excel.

Morgan, Xian Bing: These pies did not belong in this contest, but I ate six. CRISPY AND DELICIOUS! I would eat more of little Chinese fry pie. Not dessert, not even baking, but SO TASTY, make more! You and pie are unexpected good.

Vex, Wild Blackberry Pie: This pie was SO PRETTY! Was taste good, yes, but also was art. You and pie are beautiful.

Dex, Wild Blueberry Pie: Vex and Dex, you rhyme! And you both have wild pies! Dex, you are holding out on Haus, your blueberry pie is very pretty and very good, and I do not just say that because you and blueberry are both good friend to me! Pie had personality, and blueberry is best fruit, you should make lots more.

Loki, Totally Normal Pie: This pie was BEST JOKE! I laugh very much, because I try pie, think I get apple, instead taste garlic shrimp pasta from yesterday! You make good joke pie with magic, I like. You and pie are funny, good job!

Cassandra, Strawberry Rhubarb Pie: Your pie is BIG and FRUIT! I like both, and sugar on crust was nice, I like crispy bits. And I am not knowing what rhubarb is until I look up, who knew that would be in pie? Surprise! You and pie are winners for good reason!

Dan, Carrot Pie: I am hearing of carrot cake, but never carrot pie! But if sweet potato pie and pumpkin pies, why not carrot? I am never thinking of carrots like sweet thing, but they are! And since is carrots, is healthy pie! Pretty sure I could be sneaking this pie past team nutritionist, so you and pie are super smart.

Tina, Coconut Cream Pie: This is so good summer pie! I want to eat it by pool with drink having umbrella. I like crispy coconut bits lots, they go nice with creamy coconut bits, and crust is nice balance! Pie is fantastic, you also fantastic.

And best of all, blueberry pie Jack is bringing me, because IS ALL FOR ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TATER! ))))))))))

Mandy and Jenny (ghosts who are living with us) are very disappointed with Vallo for letting gremlins get crazy. "How do you, like, not know to not get them wet, like, seriously?!" says Jenny. "For real, like, everybody saw that movie," says Mandy.

I tell them I did not see movie. They say, "oh my gosh, that's like if you didn't see Goonies!" I ask them, what is Goony? So now they are making big list of movies I must see or they will start hiding my boxers and spiking my drinks at breakfast. They are writing list on wall. It looks like blood, they promise it is not blood, but they are laughing lots, so I am not sure. List so far says:

MOVIES TATER-TOT HAS TO WATCH
Gremlins
The Goonies
The Breakfast Club
Dead Poets Society
Labyrinth
Heathers
The Lost Boys
Beetlejuice
Stand By Me
Sixteen Candles
Dirty Dancing
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Pretty In Pink
Adventures In Babysitting


They are still adding. So I guess I am never doing anything but watch movies now.

Is good to go to Pride! At home, I am always wanting to do this, but feeling like I cannot, because of what might happen with family in Russia. Feels weird, to have no responsibility to no one except me. But feels good, yes? I miss family, but I am not missing being afraid.

Also I am thinking more parties should be No Shirt Is Necessary parties! Especially when it is hot like this, yes?

BUT MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Shayba has hair-cut! Tell her she is pretty!

( Cut for picture )

I'm assisting in an update of the Tag! app; this update will address a few bugs that have been reported as well as make the app more stable. Grateful? Name your copious firstborns after me.

[ Filtered to Morgan ]

I'm going to a party to celebrate Shitty's important life event - he's becoming a lawyer. I'd rather be downgraded to a bot in charge of children's entertainment than attend in person, so I'll be sending a drone. Would you like to attend with my drone? There are good humans in the Haus.

Y'ALL! It has been a minute, hasn't it? First of all, thank you to everyone who handled taking down that awful person who was terrorizing Vallo! Y'all are major heroes in my book, so make sure you come claim your free mini-pie for a job well done! ♥ Kratos, you get whatever you want for the next week! Even if I heard what you did and I think that might have been just a little bit of an overkill

On that note, the pie menu this month is full of all my summer favorites, but y'all are going to have to put in pre-orders and do pick-up and delivery while we get the final details ready on Bitty's Bakes! (Oh goodness, that's me, y'all! My own pie shop, which I cannot have done without my wonderfully perfect husband who looks just absolutely fantastic swinging around a sledgehammer and wearing a hardhat 😏 and not without the help of all my friends at the Haus who have worked non-stop, even when I was recovering in April! :( )

We're doing a soft opening this month, with the grand opening corresponding to a very friendly bake-off with the Muffin Man bakery in July. I had to promise it was friendly because I would do whatever it takes to crush him in Keep your eyes open, your baking chops ready, and your stomachs prepared to eat a ridiculous amount of pie! :)

Speaking of baking, I noticed a lot of you were struggling to cook when we were in the past! I understand it was not an ideal situation, and even I had to improvise, but if y'all need some assistance learning in the present, you know I'm always happy to help you learn from pies, to brownies, to even souffles! We can break in my new kitchen at the shop and use the megaoven Brigitte built for it! 😘

SUMMER MENU!

Does this multiverse have a number? Or should I assign it one.

Hi, I'm Clark Kent. Not where I expected to end up today.

Lois
The people at intake mentioned you'd been here for a while now. Are you all right? Are the boys here too?

The kiln seems to actually be working, I think. I made a really terrible bowl just to test it and nothing's exploded inside or out, yet? I made it pretty big seeing as Lardo wants to do classes with it but we're going to need a lot of firewood to keep it going.

[Nursey]
Uh. I miss you, by the way. I got some of that expensive ice cream you like for when you're back.

[JOURNAL FILTER FOR ERIC BITTLE-ZIMMERMANN]

Happy birthday, Bits. I know it's not what either of us expected for today, I was going to wake you up with something enjoyable for the birthday boy and then make some funfetti pancakes, so hold me to that when you get home?

Pensez-y, ce sera une histoire amusante à raconter à nos enfants un jour.

I love you, and I miss you, and I'll be here waiting when you get home. With funfetti cupcakes, pretty much all the hugs you're willing to put up with, and-- haha, whatever cupcakes are left of your face. We've made a pretty good dent in them, I had dibs on your lips.

[JOURNAL FILTER FOR SHITTY]

How goes civil rights of the ancient times, Shitticus? Have you seen T

If you're out by the big park by main street, be warned they got a bunch of sprinklers and super soakers out and have made it into a water splashtown over there. It was nice to hit post-run, but I wasn't in much to begin with so if you're in work clothes you may want to steer clear.

[FILTERED TO HAUS + HOCKEY TEAM (BUT MINUS BITTY)]

Bitty's birthday is coming up in early May. Since he's gotten an all clear from the doctor I'm thinking... party at Faber on the 1st? We can do a pickup game, some fun ice games, eat a bunch of cake and pizza?

My baby was too mad at closet door for not opening. Now Shayba is little yarn doll. I think she is still very cute! Is good, because I think she may be yarn doll for some time. She is still acting very angry, and kotenok must calm down and not be murder-mad before she is changing back, yes?

Intel: I observed a really fucking weird phenomenon: a human turned into a puppet after nearly being hit by another human on a bicycle. Going to guess this is magic bullshit, and therefore doesn't fall under my security jurisdiction, but I figured I'd write about it so you're aware the next time you experience a surplus of emotions and find yourself made of felt.

You guys need more meditation. I hear it helps.

Let's hear it for Nursey!

APRIL 2 || MIDDLE OF NIGHT

BITTY + JACK
"I appreciate you worrying sweetheart, but do not think I am too busy with that Easy Bake Oven that Nursey left on our nightstand to know you are not resting either.”

The Haus | PG - worried husband syndrome mostly.

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