vallo

[FILTERED TO NADJA & LASZLO]

Today is the day. I think everything is ready but I am worried I forgot something. There are candles and music. I will have a final meal delivered. I do not know what kind. I am going to let him choose. I will let him watch the sunset one last time before I do it. There is a tarp so that we do not leave a mess. Oh! Do not go into the attic tonight, I am barring the way so he can’t escape if he gets the death jitters. You know, the twitchies.


I might be a little nervous. Do not be very mean to me!

[FILTERED TO GUILLERMO]

What would you like for your very last meal?

Well then.

Some of you types more sensitive to the coming and goings of the world may have felt something a bit off this morning when you rose. Moreso than usual I would suppose. It would seem Vallo has expanded its collection of Hells to include my domain.

And before you ask, no I did not ask for or summon it here. I'm sure some of you nerds enjoy bringing your work home with you but have you seen that throne? I'm lucky not to have a flat arse after all these centuries.

Right. I would advise any of you feeling guilt over that muffin you cheated with this morning to stuff it in the bag with the discarded wrappings and dispose of the lot. Also keep an eye on dead bodies...except vampires and zombies. I think. I suppose they are fairly similar concepts to demons possessing the dead...

In other words, please do not poke the Hell if you can help it and should you need any assistance with its presence causing issue, myself or Rory would be best to ask.

[RORY]

Perhaps I should have asked before volunteering but knowing this lot and their penchant for wining, dining, and trying to mount trouble, I will need all the help I can get with someone familiar with the place.

I hope everyone had a holiday filled with cheer and plenty of time spent with loved ones, and even tolerated ones, and that no one fell afoot of mushroom mischief. Now! Let's talk the undead. Has anyone here got a specialty?

OH HELLO, have we missed Krampus because of You-Know-What-Mas? I have told him time and time again, could you perhaps not pick another month?? So that there are no silent nights (although they should not be so silent if you're doing it right if you know what I mean) or ho--I cannot even type the word without my fingers starting to bleed but the other kind of night or the manger thing. THE NIGHT IS MEANT TO BE OUR SANCTUARY.

(Guillermo, go and do a check on the entire place to make sure there are no surprise You-Know-What-Mas things around so we don't have to worry about starting on fire)

But yes, Krampus is an old friend!!! Well, I suppose Laszlo met him first--his whole whipping deal was very appealing to him obviously, but you know what they say about never meeting your heroes? It was a bit like that. Not disappointing, but. You expect one thing and get another. Nice creature! Probably good whipping.

Heads up, I guess, but if anyone sees a giant pink lion with a curly mane, she's... mine, I guess? Melog's going to show her around the forest and I'm not entirely sure how those two are going to get along or if she's going to cause any mischief like Melog has in the past. But her name's Clawdeen, and she's--




Honestly, I don't even know. She's there. File your complaints to me if she starts anything or if you happen to see those two fight, let me know.

EVERYONE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

Jackie Daytona, American Yankee Doodle Dandy, salt of the earth, volleyball aficionado, and, he would want me to stress this because it is the most important part, REGULAR HUMAN BARTENDER is now.........A POTTED PLANT

ALSO PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS NEXT PART BECAUSE IT IS PERHAPS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I JUST SAID

and I have been having a very passionate, intimate, and carnal affair with him!!!!!!!!!! Was it the blue jeans? The toothpick? His remarkable accent from Arizonya Arizon Aryzynya Arizoninaia a place? Or the sheer and absolute lust between us? We may never know, the hormones want what the hormones want and as we all know I am irresistible with my pheromones and my singing and my bosom and even though I had to talk of human things such as pizza and it being wine o'clock somewhere (the actual fuck that means, I do not know) and how leggings are in fact pants (??????????) NOW IT IS OVER BECAUSE HE IS A PLANT!!!!!!

I AM GRIEVING.

So little "gifts" are a thing here? I hope that's the case, otherwise this thing followed me here.

( SFW Image under Cut )

Uhhhh

Are you really all mortals?

Er. Sorry. Is that a rude question to ask? It's probably a rude question. I've only met one mortal before and it was just for a short while and she seemed quite fine, if not a bit taken aback but I like to think that had only a little to do with me. It might not have, I don't really know. I have been told that the Feywild can be a bit much for those not used to it, which, you know, I can totally understand. Though, in fairness, this realm is also a bit much, though the video I watched was quite informative. And entertaining! It was like a play. Do they have plays here? They must, right?

And now I am rambling. Apologies. Uh

I have been told muffins are very good. Where might I procure some muffins?

GUILLERMO, NANDOR, NADJA + FILM CREW ASSOCIATES.

Is anyone awake? It smells down here.

[FILTERED TO NADJA, GUILLERMO, AND NANDOR; CC'D PETE AND CATRA.]

I need tomorrow night off from filming the documentary for personal reasons.

It's been a little over a month since I've had gainful employment and here are a few things that I have learned.

1. Magic, as it turns out, continues to be very cool.
2. So does having a steady paycheck.
3. People really will haggle over anything if you give them the chance. I don't know if that's just specific to working in a magic shop, because I really don't see people haggling over things at the grocery store or anything, but it definitely happens. Which is unfortunate, because
4. I'm still struggling with methods to put my foot down that aren't just a smiling all charming until they get the hint.
5. Somehow Unseen Servants, despite that they are unseen, have very distinct personalities? Benedict is my favorite, but don't tell Rodrigo or Esmerelda.
6. The ombre potion wall is more than just pretty and it's real important to remember which potion does what and is where. It's also real important to not knock any of them over. Not that I have! But I've seen some close calls and it's stressful every time.
7. Prestidigitation? Super helpful.
8. The bakery across the way from the shop has really good cinnamon rolls.

Anyway, those are my life lessons, some more valid than others. If you want to see me in action, you should come to Gilmore's and buy some things in honor of 1 and 2 on this list.

I am taking suggestions for a date. If you were a picky vampire slayer who likes to complain when vampires are being vampires, where would you like your vampire lover to take you? And do not say bowling. We already do that. And not romantic flights over the city either. We already do that too. Does renovating a disaster pit of a house count as a date? Ay, anyway. Dinner dates are just me watching him eat and wanting to bite him so I need fresh ideas! I will pay you. Probably. Or I could hypnotize someone into giving you money. It is the same thing.

I don't know about anyone else's world, but it my world the "feud" between vampires and werewolves comes from both species being labeled closer to "predators", and other species perpetuating the stereotype that we're brutish assholes all the time compared to them. The two physically strongest species in a showdown.

But now I'm curious what feud's exist between species in everyone else's world. Inquiring minds want to know.

HELLO it is me, NADJA here. Perhaps some of you have seen or visited the Night Market (it is a bit of a misstatement since they are open all the time but you know, BRANDING and all) or perhaps you are very curious. Either way, I, NADJA have some very important tips for you.

1. There is a hag, her name is Celestina or something like that, TOTAL BITCH. When you go by her booth, you spit on the ground and say 'Nadja sent me.' Women have to stick together, but when you are a hag named Celestina, you may ROT.

2. The Night Market will only allow for bartering (goods, services, your soul) or for spending gold, silver, gems, your left eye, things like that. But honestly, bartering is your best bet because OF COURSE someone will be like, oh no, I can't make change for 35 gold coins I may as well just keep the whole thing and then you are up the river of shit without a way to row.

3. NEVER TAKE THE FIRST OFFER. Put a very disdainful look in your eye and surmise that perhaps the goblins down the way would take less. Then huff, shimmy your bosom, and prepare to walk away.

4. If you are a human DO NOT GO ALONE. They can smell it on you and will be on you SO fast. Do not let anyone take you anywhere. There is a bandersnatch, that if you sneeze in front of him, he will think you are now a part of his harem.

5. It is so fun!!!!! There are so many things to barter for, and if you enjoy slightly offensive t-shirts you will be AMAZED!!!! Just be careful because you may accidentally purchase a cursed item and then, well, too bad for you.

If your name is Al or my darling cupcake kitten Catra or Peel you are in VERY GOOD LUCK because we are going on a field trip to the Night Market very soon!!! And you may pick out something as a treat.

The end? I still don't know how to end these fucking things. Goodbye?

[FILTERED TO GUILLERMO & NADJA & ~THE FILM CREW~]

The house is here. In the city.


It has seen better days. There are holes in the floor and very weird smells. Did you two make a big mess before you went off on your English adventure without me?

I feel slightly hung over and my bones ache from suddenly growing a few feet again. I'm napping forever.

Thanks Brigitte.







I'm also never eating anything with sugar again.

[there's an audio of HISSING]

skksakldsaklsdalkld
lll;;;;;
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[then a bunch of selfies posted like this meme]

VOICE TO TEXT

oh this is DUMB

Good morning (is it morning yet?), Vallo:

As this appears to be related to a magical spell or curse, the Department of Magical Research and those associated with it are aiding investigations into what happened and how to resolve it. Below the cut are the names of everyone I am aware of that fell ill during yesterday's Moon Day festivities. If you recall a name that is not on this list, please share it, along with any other information that you might have as to timing, initial symptoms, etc.

Thank you for your assistance.

( List of the Affected )

Anyone know what's up with the sudden glacier showing up off the coast? We spotted it after my new Monday morning ritual of getting kidnapped by a winged horse and getting flown over water as a scare tactic. There's music coming from it too - we didn't land on it because a) it was cold and b) it felt like magic and I don't mess with that unless I know for sure it's not a trap or hostile.

I'll send coordinates to whoever needs it.

Hey quick question, is Dracula around and does he drive a Lexus? Cause if he is and does, he's an asshole who doesn't know how to drive and he abandoned these cuties.

Does anyone know any vampire hunters? Who wants kittens??? I need to get them checked out by a vet though, so that's a tentative ask.

EDIT: I need the vampire hunter for DRACULA. NO ONE ELSE. HAPPY, NADJA?