vallo

Today I brushed a large canine and got another dog's worth of fur, and yet you still can't tell I did anything. He did make sure I was wearing as much as he was though, so that was very kind of him.

[Chocobros]
Since you were the only ones bothering to follow it, for the obvious reason that I only posted pictures of food or you, I thought I should let you know that my instagram is likely getting made over. Bev thought it should be more relevant to help promote Galdin, when it opens, so I put her in charge.

For Father's Day, my son caught me a frog.

Which is only impressive because he managed to stop himself from eating it.

At least until after he'd presented me with it, anyway.

So I was at work this morning, sipping on a delightful iced guava passionfruit beverage (don't judge me, haters), when I discovered I miraculously had access to a file on my Google drive that like, was not mine. How did I know it wasn't mine? Because I needed popcorn while reading it, and I don't tend to argue with myself on my own Google docs, in comments. It just seems like a cry for help.

Being an ice cream truck driver may seem fun, but do you actually want to be out there luring kids to your van? That sends the wrong message. I mean, I get it. I struggled a lot with what career choice was right for me too. I went from child actress to pop star to - a vet's assistant. Except I didn't really assist, just answered the phones because I don't really like having to deal with cat pee. Anyway, point is, there's something out there for you. Maybe cut back on the stimulants though, just saying. I once knew a girl in Beverly Hills who made amazing xanax smoothies. Let me know if you want the recipe.

You'd be surprised how common mass hysteria and mass hallucinations are. I too hallucinated that I saw a goose stealing my favorite hat. Was the goose there? Was the hat there? Probably not!

So, take it from me, Harley Quinn, PhD, on what to do during these troubling times.

Tip Number One: Sanity is Overrated. Nothing makes things worse than to worry about something you can't change. Make a list of the way your quirks, ticks and multiple psychological diagnoses make you unique. Learn to love you.

Tip Number Two: Sometimes The People In Your Head Are Really Quite Helpful. Did I really need that hat? Did I even like that fucking hat? Maybe I put it somewhere really important so that I do something I forgot about later. Who knows! The mind is a complicated place.

Tip Number Three: The Goose May Be a Stressed Induced Mass Hallucination But Lizard People Are Totally Real. They mostly work in the IRS and other low level government positions and have blackmail on every president and first lady ever in the White House. Usually sex stuff. Stupid lizard people never share the good blackmail though, so feel free to kick them in the balls if you ever uncover one.

Which brings us to Point F! It isn't Joker Venom and I totally am not responsible for this.

Tip Number Five: Does Vallo Have an IRS? I don't really know the answer to this, I'm just asking in case I also get money or income that I have no intention of reporting.

Tip Number Six: Now Is Probably Not the Time to Kill Geese. Generally speaking, in a mass hallucination, you could end up taking your frustration out on someone else and really hurt them! While sometimes fun, not usually an appropriate outlet for a charged emotional state. Remember, the goose isn't there. If you see a goose, seek psychological counseling or just go with tip number one.

Tip Number Seven: Don't Fuck the Geese Either. See above.

Tip Number Eight: Even If Vallo Doesn't Have An IRS It Probably Still Has Lizard People. They're everywhere. Trust me. Just don't let them see this post or they'll know I'm onto them.

Tip Number Nine: Geese Are Mean. That's just a fact. But you still shouldn't feed them bread because it's not good for their digestive health.

Tip Number Ten: Geese Are Mean, Even Ones That Only Exist In Your Head. You still probably shouldn't feed them bread because then it's just a waste and you'll get ants.

Tip Number Eleven: Exercise. That's just good for your physical, mental and psychological well-being.

Tip Number Twelve: Don't Date The Geese Either. I get it. You're coming to terms with your hallucination, and with yourself. Geese got that whole alpha male thing that comes with confidence and some people find that very reassuring and attractive. But look, let's say you set your issues aside and still end up with the goose. It's not going to end well. He'll just be abusive and controlling and ask you to wear stupid clothes you'd never pick out for yourself. Trust me. It ain't worth it.

Tip Number Thirteen: I forget. Moving on.

Which brings me to Point the Last! I'm not judging you at all for seeing the goose. I saw it too, and I've been seeing things for years. I'm sure you're all gunna be peaches!

Fuck me. Vet recommendations. One that won't think twice about seeing a 150 year old puppy and all the complications and illnesses that come with a dog living to be that old.

(  Cut for cute animal GIFs!  )

I don't know who needs to see this right now, but here's our dog being the absolute WORST at fetch. Who the hell taught him that? It's cute but what the fuck.

Also: this is your reminder that we're coming up on the summer season and A LOT of you should be using sunscreen. Don't fuck around with that shit. Or wear a damn hat. And hydrate!! 🧃👒☀️

(  Filtered to Ben Hanscom  )

( Filtered to Chocobros )

( Filtered against Noctis )

I've heard a few people lamenting their lack of cooking skills, here and there. If I offered a few free basic lessons - or less than basic, if someone has something specific they want to learn how to make, provided it's something I'm familiar with or can learn quickly - would anyone have any interest in learning?

If anyone was looking to learn or to just have a dedicated time to work on their skills with others, Obi-Wan and myself will be hosting swordplay sessions at the training grounds on Monday afternoons from 2 - 4. Feel free to bring your own equipment but we'll have some available as well if you don't have your own.

Hey, guys. I know I said this last night I think it's fuzzy, but I really appreciate everything you've done to help me with the haunting shit. It was a huge risk for all of you just to be there, and it means a lot to me that you were. I don't know how to thank you for that, but I'm gonna try after I lay in bed for another couple hours doing absolutely nothing.

You're the best. 💜 I have hugs I wanna deliver later, but if you'd prefer high fives, that's cool, too. I hope you're all okay.

(  ooc filter list!  )

Yeah... nothing like taking the dog for a walk and being followed by at least thirty odd crows.

Hey people with superpowers and/or heightened abilities: how do you dial it down? Like enough to focus on other things? Is there a mute button on that shit?? Please share with the class.

Also this is your reminder to hydrate if you haven't.🥤✨

Uhhh. I think I've been adopted (  by a cat?  )

Or she thinks I don't have enough fish in my diet. It's unclear.

(  Filtered to Gladio Amicitia, Ignis Scientia, & Prompto Argentum  )

[ooc | posted bright and early this morning because while Kratos was awake and actually so was I, braining was not in the cards]

[Filtered to the May Queen]

Your Highness,

There is warm cinnamon porridge on the fire machine. I have been hired to stand outside a local farm and look threatening in case of creature attack. It is a simple enough task. I will not be home until late.

---

I still do not understand what a s'more has to do with witchcraft. Though I suppose both are messy if not well managed.

I've officially been here the longest I don't know if I like what that means

I'm sorry to everyone who lost people today. I feel your pain. Please know the DOA office is open for whatever you might need, even if it's just someone to offer coffee and an ear. I'll personally be around pretty late tonight.

(  Filtered to Gansey & Rogue  )

(  Filtered to Nyx Ulric  )

Looking at the amusing side? My younger self spent my money on hair products and left a note telling me to stop living like a hobo. So there's that.

FILTERED TO THE LOSERS:
You guys all alright over there? Everyone back to normal?

Some people panic buy a ton of shit after having an existential crisis. That was me at, like, 13. I used to fantasize about buying out half the pharmacy. Now I just delete my entire island in Animal Crossing. It felt kind of good? Not as good as a six-month supply of bandaids and antiseptic, maybe, but I'm vibing with this clean slate thing. (  My new island speaks to me.  )

(  Private Filter  )

While the situation has been explained to me, I must admit it still doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

FILTERED ➢ CHOCOBROS

Hey, where are you guys? Iggy and I just got back and we picked up breakfast.