Network

I'm ready to call the fucking Ghostbusters.

Some days are good days, or at least tolerable ones. Today, however, was not one of those, or even close. I hate my therapist, I hate ME, and I hate almost every person in my life barring those of you who can actually SEE this message here and my fiancee who isn't seeing this because I don't want to bug him with it.

Today she got me to voice the thing that's been in my head for months, and now that I've voiced it, I know exactly what the fuck's going on in my life, with the people I thought gave a shit, and I'm not happy with it. Used to it, from the one side, since it's pretty much a life experience I've dealt with, and I'm coping with it, and not saying anything to the person who's picked up the thread of this dumping me when he's found something better because hell, I don't want to create drama for him that he doesn't deserve, when it's probably something I did anyway.

I just...I don't know. I knew that I didn't matter all that much to Ollie in the scheme of things, which he's proved over the years, not just this time, but from Barton? I guess we've only known each other for a year, so it's not like there's anything new going on there, but the getting dumped, and only realizing how obviously I've been dumped a couple months down the line? It sucks. It really fucking sucks.

At least I've got the most amazing fiancee in the world, but he can't be expected to shoulder all of my shit as I'm working through it. I just hate that I have to face the fact most people hate me and are ready to drop me all the same.

I have been nominated for five AVN awards, so I feel somewhat obligated to go this year. Normally I do not, but five is quite a few, no? I do not want to appear ungracious. Roy, will you be my date?

A little bird told me that a friend I have may have been nominated for Best Newcomer: Sound Editing. Hmm.

So. Um. I came to the OC to meet with buyers for my shoe line. Not screw around with somebody's Alice in Wonderland crazy-ass hallucination shit. Never had a trip this bad even in my twenties. Explanation? Please?

If you don't know me, by the way, the name's Velma Kelly. Of the San Francisco Kellys.

Since I haven't publicly fucked things up on the network since Thanksgiving, and I'm totally addicted to negative attention and have to get my fill or something...

Barton, I've got like half a bottle's worth of ativan in a baggie that I swiped from your place months ago. Think you want it back?

They have a funny definition of being the "lucky" one.

Alyssa's mom is nice and all, but seriously crazy. Like, I just don't understand her. Most parents discourage teenagers from having sex or watching porn. But not her. She's so completely different from how my mom was. I'm starting to get used to her though.

I really should not have to fill out Workman's Compensation forms within my industry, but alas, that is how I spent my afternoon. It cut into my ability to plan Valentine's Surprises!

Dear woman who has somehow been suckered into dating Oliver Queen,

I am so so very sorry. ...No that's unfair to him and you, I mean you probably got sucked in by the charm, a lot of people have over the years and he's not that bad, really, just...

Ollie and relationships are just one of those things. It doesn't tend to go well in the long term mostly because he manages to somehow fuck them up for himself a few months down the line. I mean, he doesn't do it on purpose but he sort of self sabotages and you'll end up incredibly annoyed and disgusted before very long.

It isn't that he's not a good man. It's more that he's, well, you know the term manchild? I think that it was actually invented for how he approaches personal relationships. You know the bull and china shop cliche? That's Ollie in relationships.

God knows, I don't want to know about whether or not the sex is good, I'm assuming it is, because most of his relationships tend to feature awesome sex, according to him, but uh, be warned that outside of the sex, you're dealing with a whole new set of issues you might not be aware of right now.

I'm sure you're really an awesome gal and all, but uh...from someone who has known him for 20 years now ,and lived with him for six of them...


I just thought it was fair to warn you.

-Roy Harper

Provided money was no issue, relatively speaking, and you wanted to plan an amazing surprise honeymoon, where would you consider going? I've got a pretty big chunk left over from a study I was part of last year, and I'm not sure where to start with thinking of these things. I'd considered Spain, but my fiance is FROM Spain, so would somewhere else be better? I'd ask or hint but...it might wreck the surprise aspect.

Any ideas, Valarnet?

So the superbowl happened, and so did chili. I'd actually been warned by concerned parties who knew the truth that chili was going to occur, but I wound up ignoring it out of sheer disbelief that chili the way Oliver Queen prepares it is a thing. I mean, okay, I don't have any problems with it, and it means I don't have to do any cooking, and it's apparently some neurotic manifestation of how much he cares about people, but my big brother's little obsession is kinda weird.

We made six kinds of it yesterday. Regular, veggie, chicken, and variations on the first couple. At which point he informed me he's trying to come up with a dessert version of the stuff. I get me being around in the apartment's stressful but there's a point where things get weirdly emotionally unhealthy and I'm pretty sure Ollie crossed it with that statement. Like,I get that I can be a pain, but I don't think I'm that much of a pain I've made him totally crazy. And I really, really don't want to eat the dessert chili attempts that are going to come out of this. ( tldr )

It's cute how teachers think that getting kicked out of their class is some kind of punishment...

I mean, what happens next? Forbidding me to do the homework?

Oh my God. I got myself kicked out of class. I think I want to die.

...Worth it.

Okay, so if you were taking someone you're not dating out on a date in a still really not rebuilt San Francisco, where would you go? I think a picnic is out of the question, but maybe some of the piers are okay? It's not like it's my first date or anything, but I'd like to do something awesome, to make up for ruining the last time we went out.

I really really want a drink right now.

That thing where someone knows you, knows you ENTIRELY, your past, the horrible stuff you're prone to doing, and the things you do that nobody understands, along with the good stuff, and still loves you anyway?

I finally get what it's like to have that person, to be with them, and to be wanted by them and...

I don't know. I guess I assumed after the dreams started happening, and hell, even before that, back when I'd first run away, that I was never going to have that, at first because I was convinced I was a horrible person, and then, when the dreams hit, because I was convinced I'm not a person at all.

Those things change. Those things change amazingly and fabulously and perfectly, and I finally get what it's like, for the first time in...well, ever for somebody to want me not because they promised someone else, or felt bound by screwed up circumstances to stick around, but because they genuinely want me. It's amazing.

It's amazing, and it's wonderful and incredibly scary and perfect and I have no idea what I'm doing but I know I want to try to know. He's already made me a better person, and I'm pretty sure that being married to him is only going to make that keep happening in the future.

I sort of wonder now if, God, it's like that thing you're into, Ollie, Gibran and what he had to say about love and everything that it entails. That whole 'as love is for your growth he's for your prunning' deal. Maybe last winter, this summer, the way I started out this fall before I met him was all a way of love starting to do its thing. To get me ready.

It's right. I know it's right and if I consider that everything up to this point had the reason of bringing me here and now? I can live with that, with everything that's happened.

It's kind of overpowering, I think....

Typing while on major pain medication is hard. Thank the stars for auto-correct. Otherwise, this post would really... yeah.

So, getting shot is annoying, and uncomfortable. Anyone who was thinking to try it? Don't. I can tell you that this is completely not fun. Having bullets removed is even less fun than getting shot, I can tell you. Thankfully, most of it happened when I was unconscious. Apparently blood loss will do that for you.

One a completely other front, getting shot and being out by way of the good medicine helps dreams make more sense. Doesn't mean I could ever been a teen wizard with a skull for a mentor, or light a room on fire, but at least, when compared to being shot, it's a little less traumatic.

I think.

Or that's the drugs talking.

One of those.

Ah, yes, back to the old grind. (Yes, I intended the pun.) The studio is not going to let any of us work in Orange County proper, so they are flying some people to San Fransisco (where I am currently) so we may film in historic places.

I hope I do not get arrested again. Is anyone on here a lawyer? I may need bailing out on a public indecency charge on Tuesday.

Edit; I am very lucky. I accidentally proposed and he said yes. Do not tell me I am stupid for accidentally proposing, I know!

My dreams just make me sound like more and more of a bitch. God. I would never... I mean, not in this lifetime. Draco, too. We're like, the epitomy of nasty. I know how bad bullying is. It sucks, and being bullied sucks even harder. I wouldn't do that here. Not the way I did in the dreams.

What kind of a name is 'Umbridge' anyway? She's such a troll.

Oh my gosh, Unicorns are the most wonderful thing in the world. Now that I'm back in my own bed, I've been dreaming again. Unicorns, Prefect Duties, watching Ron Weasley play quidditch. That song's catchy, even if Draco was a douchebag in writing it. I helped, too. God, I'm such a bitch in my dreams. Wtf.

Anyone else have dreams about being a total jackass?

Parents are not too subtle are they or is it just my maman? She has no skills at beating around the bush and instead chooses to just blurt out whatever it is she is thinking appropriate or not. Makes me happy people cannot hear the other side of my phone conversations most of the time or I would be constantly explaining or blushing or both.

Right, so we all have funky dreams, yeah? The kind that bleed over into our days, seem too real to just be dreams, hippy astral projection type dreams?

Okay, so I can't be the only one who was an asshole in those. Was anyone else a bad guy in their dreams? I feel like I should buy a twirly moustache or something, because man. I was a dick.

Have you guys missed my Ollie drama? You've missed the Ollie drama and since we've been lucky enough to outrun the plague and Zevran too, it's the biggest issue in MY life right now so I'm gonna talk about it. Not that I think it really matters in light of anything, but this is a social network and I am going to be goddamned social and pretend like I'm not worried for everybody stuck in the OC right now.

Denial isn't just a river, which is actually probably why the two of us let it get to THIS point. The point where I would very well be getting a hotel somewhere if we hadn't already started spending all our time in different wings in fact. Wings really far apart from each other...

( Read more... )

The weekend's looking GREAT from here on out, I'll tell you what.

Seriously, I hope that made some of you laugh or roll your eyes or think about how stupid I am to be worried about those things right now, I hope you're all okay and if I can help somebody, let me know.
Stay safe, keep hoping, and I'll keep providing the updates.

And they have closed down the entire studio. When porn studios stop filming, you know things have gotten serious. I worry.

So. I won't be coming in to the ranch while this flu thing is going around. Ollie talked to our doctor friend and is all adamant that I wait things out until it's over since we're currently in the Bay anyway. It's one thing I'm actually not inclined to fight him on since I really don't do 'sick' well, and I don't want to contribute to the problem.

[Locked: Agency people]

I made a lot of dumb decisions yesterday and overdid it/got overconfident in my abilities but At least I'm not the one who... I'm somehow still here and I think this means that I deserve a shot at going on these things more often. Ollie's fighting that one pretty heavily but I'm ready now. I know I'm ready. Next time I want to be out there doing things from the start, you know? [/locked]


Anybody needs anything, PLEASE let me know. I can't get anyone else out here away from it due to some new warning that took affect after I'd arranged for one such flight but I've got resources and can manage foods and stuff if things get bad enough.

Seriously hope you're all okay.

I was starting one of those year in review things but I kept getting distracted.

So. 2012. Started out like a bitch and proceeded to be weird, really weird until the end of September when I got let out of jail, got the best boyfriend in the world, got my arm back, and my shooting, made things reasonably okay with Ollie, even though he embarassed the shit out of me on several occasions throughout the year and am actually ending it on a much higher note than when it started.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

I may have adopted a dog. I know, it seems quite impulsive, but he is adorable. His name is Buddha. Besides, ( could you resist this face? )

I could not either. He is a bulldog/mastiff mix and seems to exist solely to eat table scraps and demand belly rubs. I think we have quite a bit in common!

Allow me this brief moment on a soapbox.

You may not realize it, but the weeks following Christmas are especially difficult for the homeless. It's wonderful that we're likely to be in a giving mood during the holidays, but it can easily (understandably, perhaps) slip our minds once the lights are taken down and Santa disappears from the shop windows.

So, please keep the homeless in mind during the rest of the winter. It gets cold at night even in California.

I speak from experience.

Today, my perfect shooting streak came to an end. Just as well, it was starting to get boring and not really an accomplishment anymore since I knew the outcome every time. That said, I think the extra practices I threw in the last week really, really helped because it's...better. Not spectacular but solid enough I think I'm going back on the circuit in a few months, if they're still willing to have me, and that I don't feel weird about going back to work now.

So, all's well that ends well, or something to that effect.

Also, I would like you all to meet what Ollie appeared with in the parking lot yesterday. Note to self, never use textual sarcasm with him again.

( so this is a new thing in my life )

I do not even. What the Hell? It was laughing at me, Ollie was laughing at me and the whole thing was just kind of hilarious and weird and I was glad I sprang for that Budha Whatever Trip Certificate for him after all. But seriously. No more sarcasm about stuff like that. Now I have to work out what to DO with it.

You win this year, Oliver. Next year will be mine.

At least that's over.

27 days until I get myself out of here.

Sorry sis, no amount of dream conversations with you is ever going to make a thing about the current situation even remotely okay. I'll do the sobriety thing on my own thanks, just as soon as I legally can't be kept here.

My father just telephoned me. It is the first time I have heard his voice since I was seventeen. I do not know why he chose to phone me, just that he did.

Please tell the ones you love that you do so today. It is important.

You guys, you guys, YOU GUYS!

GUESS what just happened? GUESS what I just shot?

I had a perfect fucking regular round and THEN a perfect speed round. Life has some kind of meaning after all. Sorry, Barton. Guess I'm BACK and you can feel inferior again.

Okay, that star thing? It's kind of stupid, it's kind of selfish, and it's really childish, but...I tried that wish thing anyway. I mean, Hell, it even snowed, and I have everything MAJOR that I really want or need, even things I didn't know I wanted or needed til I had them, so...I took a chance on something dumb. It's kind of nice to think it MIGHT come true.

Also, MotherFUCK, I forgot I had more shopping to do. What do you get the guy who has everything? I mean, I can't just glue macaroni to a cardboard frame and throw glitter on that shit anymore. It's cute when you're actually little but...

Everybody else I haven't covered, at least I've got ideas. A couple might be kind of not appropriate when I think about them while completely sober and not on some form of medication but...

I'll figure it out. And if I don't get mauled, and/or we don't die on Friday, it'll all be awesome, right?

Does anyone else dream they are a terrible person? I awoke from a nap with the desire to get very, very drunk. I think I am going to do that.

[Private to Roy:]
I think I understand now. I am ... are you free?

Best excuses for having a black eye, bruised cheek and bleeding scratches up and down your face?

Am I allowed to say Fight Club? Is that still relevant?

And...okay, best responses to the "you're not my REAL dad" thing? Cause I never really HAVE one...

Today, I started therapy.

It was the first time I've been to see a shrink about shrink related issues since I was eleven, and the first time I willingly stepped inside. I don't know how long it's going to take us to get to King Oedipus or anything like that, but she listens. She gets it.

Of course, I can't tell her half of what's gone down with me, since she's not part of this network and the dream thing...isn't the kind of thing you can explain to someone outside of here, is it? I mean, it's the kind of thing that gets you put under a hold in the mental ward. She DOES however, know who I am from all that drama a couple months ago.

That alone makes her think I have a lot of things wrong in my head that I need to sort out, and while some of it isn't my fault? A lot actually IS. It's weird having somebody I'm paying for, well, okay, that OLLIE is paying for, tell me that I'm the one with the problem, and I'm the one that needs to find a way to fix it. She's RIGHT but it's still weird.

She tossed around the possibility of a couple different labels for what might be going on inside my head, and shit that might have developed, and...it's weird but I can see where the labels MIGHT make sense. Only...not so much as a part of the life I have here.

She's thinking Borderline or some non classic example of an attachment issue. I'm thinking nothing here would've really caused that to develop, but being abandoned for days at a time as a few months old clone (sorry Ollie, really. We didn't KNOW I wasn't sixteen)with dubious and creepy "handlers". Yeah, that situation could've created it I guess.

Soo...I'm confused and stuff like that. And kinda already hate lying to the shrink, but what else are you gonna do?

Why, yes, I did come out with a holiday themed movie, and yes, if you're my friend, you are probably getting a copy. Stocking Stuffer 3 just came out today, and yes, I am part of a Hanukkah scene. And so ends my obligatory self-promotion.

But just in case you recognize me in public, do not do what a girl at Starbucks did today and scream about how I'm the guy who does ... certain things. There were people present who did not know what she meant, then she had to explain it, and ... very awkward.

What are you all doing for the holidays? I have no family besides Roy, so I will likely do whatever he does.

Frustration, thy name is Harper.

How is it that a five month break could make me this hopeless? I'm hitting one bullseye out of twenty right now. ONE.

I'm glad I got it fixed and I have no complaints about the procedure I had done, but sometimes it's like the skill is never coming back.

Life's great, life's worth living and all of that, I'm not saying it's not. And I'm kind of lucky to be here, I guess considering the stunt I pulled and everything but...I still want to be good again. I want the work to pay off NOW instead of having to force myself to this beginner level practice shit. I was this close to making Royal Bowmaster last spring and now I'm not even at the little kid pathetic levels.

My life is great, but GOD. this sucks. This really really FUCKING sucks.

I'm pissed at life for making this retraining necessary. I'm pissed at ME for letting myself have the limits. I've got no idea right now, you know?

So valarnet? Working out your frustrations ideas when you can't just shoot something?

Oh Rita. Here, I'll pander to you but I don't care right now.

I'm legally allowed to be in this relationship. And it's the best one I've ever had. Lots better than that one with Ollie!

And five, four, three...

Happy Birthday, Wrex!

Uhh. I've had some really shitty dreams and it's given me a lot to think about, like...I don't want to hurt anyone or anything. Do you think it's better to totally back off the people that I might hurt, go get some help from a shrink, or WTF?

I'm talking it's gotten into some really dark, really shitty stuff already. I don't want to get into details over the internet, but I do want to know how people are dealing with all this crap or if it's making them go crazy. Is there some kinda shrink pill they can give to make people stop dreaming?

I'm not good at talking about things like this. I guess it might be better to ask people I don't know.

( Read more... )

I don't know if he's real, and I don't want to make him my focus anymore, but could the officials out here help me maybe? I can give you DNA samples and stuff and Ollie has pictures from when I was the age Real Roy would be be... It's something to think about anyway. Think about, but not make my sole focus, and not make my life about it.

I have way too many other things to do or think about, and I'm allowed to have them. I'm allowed to have a life, and for it to be a good one, maybe even a great one. Okay, so Ollie is totally paying the landlady off to keep an eye on me and make sure I don't leave my apartment without somebody else in tow, because "we can't trust you not to do something dangerous or stupid", even to the point of calling him to clear it yesterday when I was heading out to the store, but you know. I can live with that. I can live with a whole lot of stuff.

My life? I've got a godfather who actually DOES give a shit, amazing friends who've stuck around with me even when I really, really didn't deserve it, and the most amazing boyfriend EVER. Gonna be the best holiday season I've had in a really long time.

In my dreams I'm a vampire. Who else is a vampire?
Are there other mythical creatures
I've read about unicorns, but

Let's have a contest. Strangest powers in dreams. Go.

More dreams last night. Filch is a squib, I know how to produce bluebell flames, Harry had his bones regrown overnight, Lockhart is a bit thick, and the plan to use Polyjuice potion... I know how that ends already. I'm glad the dream stopped when it did, I don't much fancy becoming a cat-girl again.

Has anyone dreamed the same dream more than once?

You know the musical Gypsy? I'm sure some of your parents dragged you to it, or made you watch it or listen to the music or something, right? I"m not the only one who had to sit through it? Anyway, there's a song in it, Everything's Coming Up Roses, only they actually mean it's coming up Rose, the crazy stage mother's way?

Well, right now, despite what Ollie has to say about what I did? That song is kinda my life.

So,because the torture of musical theater when you're thirteen HAS to be good for something, right?

I'll be swell! I'll be great!
Gonna have the whole world on the plate!
Starting here, starting now,
honey, everything's coming up Roy!

That is all, Valar.

My kid's a fucking MORON.

And grounded for the next twelve years, which I actually got the landlord in on. She doesn't know the details but you'd be surprised how a supplement to the rent check does wonders.

I could STRANGLE Roy right now.

What do vegetarians eat for Thanksgiving and is it the same if you don't have turkey? The turkey is kind of what makes the holiday. Fighting in stores aside I am also one of those obnixious people that went out and bought a tree already, fake and pre-lit, so I could put it up today. I kind of like looking at it and it'll give me something new to photograph.

Roy's holiday drinking privileges are hear by revoked until he's ACTUALLY 21.

Barton, making me hold my meal outside while you pointedly ignored it was kind of assy. I mean you could have come for pie.

Everybody else who came? Thank you for that. I'm sorry the pie was replaced by shallow dishes of chili. I will be killing the people responsible. Somehow.

Guess who "ruined Thanksgiving"?

My subtle act of sabotage worked wonders. I'm not sure why I'm not happier about it, really...

After turkey with Kitty (thank you, by the way), I headed out to the ranch yesterday, and brought a lot of food to the kids there. Ended up with a mess, but it was actually kind of fun. I think half those kids haven't had a good Thanksgiving in years.

Not feeling Thanksgiving this year, honestly.

Am I a horrible person if I just blow it off and hang out on the couch watching Charlie Brown eat toast and jelly beans?