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There really is no feeling quite like watching your dream self make decisions that even she knows are going to come back around to bite her in the ass.

And I thought I made bad decisions.

What the actual hell, Danny?!

Ever wake up from a dream really wanting to punch, or at least yell, at someone but you can't because you only know them in the Dreams?

Tips on how to deal with that would be appreciated.

Well today is the day I turn the big 5-0. Can't believe it. Where the hell does time go? Seems like yesterday I was knee high to a grasshopper in Alabama.

Also can't believe the three chuckleheads I might as well call sons managed to pull off some of the craziest shit I've seen for a 50th:

[There's a picture of a ramp leading to the front door with birthday decorations on it and an electric scooter for old people at the base full of old home pamphlets, also decked out.]

That was not there yesterday.

I hate you sons of bitches 😂

Trish called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday, which would have been nice I guess, except for the fact that she was apparently with Dorothy. That, and Trish apparently forgot about the time difference.

Nothing to say 'happy birthday, Jessica' like being woken up at 7 am and listening to your adoptive mother going on for ten minutes about how you're throwing your life away. I need a drink.

Happy Fourth of July everybody! Have fun with your burgers and beer and fireworks. And if you don't have any of those there'll be plenty at my place so swing on by.

In retrospect, I'd take living peeps over a giant dragon any day.

That bitch I didn’t think I could hate her more than when she cost me custody Generally I would just turn this over to our firms investigators but this is entirely personal. I need someone who’s willing to hunt down my ex-wife and serve her with the papers for my fiance to adopt our daughters. Her lawyer is claiming to have no idea where she is or way to contact her and I don’t believe him. I’ll pay expenses and time of course and honestly I don’t care how you get her to accept them - I just want it done before the wedding so that our family is legally ours from the start.

OMG IT'S ALMOST EASTER AND THAT MEANS IT'S JUST ABOUT TIME FOR PEEP WARS

WHO'S WITH ME??

( [image under cut] )

I forgot how much fun it is to prank someone on April Fools.

Hope you enjoyed the new 'deodorant', kid.

Your move, Quill.

I was hired recently by a man who wants me to look into his daughter's personal life, specifically whether or not she's dating the right sort of people, so that he can decide whether or not to keep her in his will. At $150/hour plus all inured expenses paid, it was just too good to pass up.

I'll be following a lead from a very reliable source that she's very interested in volunteering, so I guess I'll have to check out places like Habitat for Humanity and the soup kitchen. Anyone else have any other suggestions?

[Veronica]

This seems like it's going to be a very long, complicated case, and I just don't know if I can't handle it myself. How'd you like to be hired on as a consultant?

I think I almost miss the zombie apocalypse stuff compared to this nonsense. Can barely take a whizz without having to check how far away my new bff is. Seems if you stray too far some invisible force yanks you back 'til you're ass over teakettle.

Does anyone have any idea how to turn these dreams off?

[Yondu]

You have a fire?

Alright. I need to know if anyone's seen this idiot around. Can't seem to find him in all this zombie/monster crazy. Goes by the name of Peter Quill.

Well, my brother called to wish me a Merry Christmas. Nice right? Then proceeded to ask me the day before the holidays for money for presents. Note, he's the older brother..

I can't even with him. Yet mom thinks he's so p


Why do familys have to be so complicated?

I don’t know who it is that keeps putting mistletoe over my station at work and on my car but I’m sick of it. When I find out who it is I’m going to make them eat that little twig.

As if these dreams weren't enough, my kitchen's decided to turn on me. Yesterday my toaster decided to attempt self-immolation, and this morning I learned that it actually is possible for coffee machines to spray boiling water at you. So that's been fun.

[Private to Rachel]

It might be safer for you if you stay out of the kitchen for the next few days.

I never would have imagined my various electronics not minding themselves. My coffee maker played the morning news today.

I might need a new coffee maker, there's an axe in this one.

I should really just go back to
This is stupid

I don't know exactly why I'm doing this, but randomly. Has anyone on this thing ever heard of an organization which calls itself The Hand?

Um...is it normal for someone to try and get your attention to take off your headphones to ask if it hurt when you fell from heaven?

No offense to anyone in my dreams but, if everyone in them could just stop riding the jock of whoever Percy Jackson is, that'd be great. Just five minutes without casually dropping his name, bro. Five. Minutes.

Well, that's the last time I get into a drinkin' contest. This badass alien physique might be able to hold its liquor pretty damn well to a point, but the hangovers are a bitch.

So I dunno about any of y'all but I ain't doin' much for Labor Day weekend. So if anyone doesn't have any place to go I figure I'll just do a big 'ole barbecue. Y'all are welcome to stop by. Been here long enough, might as well get to know some of you a bit better.

My place is at [Address].

I lost a lot in the fire, but I was able to restore my blog from a back-up. Just... don't know if I want to keep doing that right now.

But it was good money. And I really should try living in a place that's not an abandoned caboose.

So. Question. Where the fuck am I supposed to keep a pegasus in this place? Because I totally woke up to my pegasus nosing me this morning. At least she's not dead

As much as these dreams have been a headache, with a capital H, at least I got something pretty damn cool out of them. Though I could have done without reliving what happened to Sterling again.

I'm not normally one for selfies, but say hello to my new jacket.

( Cut for image )

I understand that due dates are not always a precise science, but I am becoming rather malcontent with the fact I have past my due date and my child has not made an attempt to want to born. I would appreciate if this child would come already, I tire of my back aching all the time.

So there I was, taking a well-needed afternoon nap and dreaming about sending my dog in the post via these magical mailing tubes, when I was rudely awakened by a book falling on my head. I was pissed off at first, but in the end I realized I really only have my shelf to blame.

Christ, getting shot is exhausting. Don't put that on your to do list.

I had the most bizarre dream last night. My brother and I were children, and he'd transformed himself into a snake, because he knows that I love snakes. So I went to pick up the snake to admire it and he transformed back into himself. He was like 'Yeah it's me!" And he stabbed me.

I believe we were eight at the time.

That is so something that Loki would do, too.

I have to say my King of the Dead powers are quite useful,and apparently surprised me with a visitor on Mother's Day when I least expected it.

( Cut as there's mention of loss of parents )

Can I go back to just being a thief and an escort? Before all the dreams, the powers, the heartbreaks, the skin? That'd be nice.

I just spent the afternoon tossing Orcs around. Not only do I have super strength, but I recently found out that I'm literally invincible! So I figured I could help a little. Oh my god, it was exhilarating! I just wish I had my Supergirl costume. Then I'd feel more like a superhero.

Could there just be ONE Star Wars Day where there isn't some invasion?? JUST ONE AT LEAST.

I know it was yesterday (and that those things started showing up the 3rd) but I was a bit busy fighting Shrek's ugly cousins to post on time.

I'm still not entirely sure I believe what I saw the other day. I couldn't possibly have seen living Peeps, could I? I'm beginning to think I should have stayed in Louisiana.

What the hell is happening?

Getting shot sucks.

Last time I woke up with a nice new scar but none of the blood. This time I can barely move my shoulder.

I guess something like this was going to happen eventually.

Some crazy hot bitch broke my boyfriend's arm yesterday. He whined like a little baby, but he kind of deserved it.

A bar proprietor convention in New York in mid-May. I'm signing up for that. Five days in the city. I've been there a few times since, but only for a couple nights. I'm looking forward to seeing it again.

Ugh, social media. Well this sure is a insane nice website you've got going on here. Now that I'm all settled in, I thought I'd drop in and say hi. Sure beats beating the pavement the old fashioned way.

I'm Jessica, and I just opened up Alias Investigations here. So, if you need a PI, you don't need to look any further.

Alright, so all of you that told me there was nothing good at the end of secret tunnels? You were right.There was no treasure or anything like that. Just the knowledge that our parents are all criminal masterminds or something. They call themselves The Pride. What kind of a lame name is that? My dad probably came up with it. Sounds like the type of thing his nerdy ass would think was cool.

The worst part about moving so far is trying to get my crock-pot back from the neighbor. How do you forget that it wasn’t yours? I mean honestly. How? When you have to call someone to ask if they have one you can borrow - you can’t really expect the person who loaned it to you to believe that, right? The sad part is if she’d asked me flat out if she could have kept it - I’d probably have let her. I mean I have two after all and loaned her the one I don’t use very often, but kept just in case something happened and the other one got broken. I just don’t like being lied to and manipulated like I think she was trying to do.

I'm making it publicly known that I paid for the liquor I took from the store. It's not my fault that there was no one behind the counter to receive it. Must have been one hell of a bathroom break, I was there for a half-hour.

mi think i hadd too muhc to drink bvut they were so good eand i don't really care rhgit now.

I don't really do the whole "forum/network/we're all connected through the internet" thing, but I figure if it saves me time pounding the pavement, why not?

Anyone know of any jobs open in the area? You name it, I've probably got experience doing it. And if you're really hung up on something fancy like a resume, I can work that out.