Network

I just moved to Orange County and as much as I despise using a site like this, I've been told it's great for networking.

My name is Christian Grey, and I am the CEO and founder of Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc. The company is a global leader in communications technologies, eco-manufacturing and next-generation farming solutions. I just opened my satellite office here, since the main is back in Seattle. So feel free to contact me for any information or business inquiries.

Zombified people in need of their caffeine to become functioning members of society who just mumble an order? I can handle that.
Being told that I need more 'pep' and energy at 5:30 in the morning by someone who thinks they're 'better' than me because of a job? Those are the type of comments that are asking for trouble.

Waffles. I need waffles to deal with the amount of stupid that comes with opening.

I'm rather a fan of Audrey Hepburn's films. She's still probably my favourite actress, even now.

That said, this advert is a fucking abomination.

The last thing I wanted to cope with this morning, was waking up with tits. That's why I'm smoking. Copiously. While wearing a spook suit.

The entirety of Orange County can sod off and die. Preferably in a fire.

I can't believe I'm expected to make nice and normal at everyone, over the bloody internet.

There's not enough scotch on the planet for this.

Fuckedyfuckfuck Fuck-a-Duck fuckIT.

Hello. I'm Pete Wisdom. I work for a overseas company that sells plushies and things with tiny plastic chokey bits to toy stores, for all of the world's ankle biters to gnaw and drool on. I'm here because my bosses think that I'd be the perfect regional sales representative. How kind of them.

I am so happy to meet you all. So, so happy. With all of the absolute...happiness. Rainbows and baby fluffy animals.

Where's the nearest pub?

And show me all of your weird so I can write a sarcastic report and then go light myself on fire.

I may not have lived there for a few years but I do still have to watch Eurovision. It seems you can't rid a Brit of things ingrained since childhood.

There's only one question that annoys me still, after almost ten years and that's from people who know mine and Lian's situation and ask, especially around Mother's Day, if Lian gets upset on Mother's Day cause she never knew her mother. I mean, I get why they'd ask, but the answer is, no. She's known what went on with me and Jade since she was pretty young. Some people told me that I shouldn't tell her until she was older, but I didn't want her to get to preschool or daycare and then come home and ask me why she didn't have a mother or anything. So, for the record, no, Lian does not miss her mother on Mother's Day.

I'm so glad that Mum's in the Bahamas this month, otherwise I'd have to explain this to her. Not how you're thinking; she'd be thrilled and want details. I'm also thrilled, but don't want to provide her with them.

Are there any accountants on this network? Or someone who has referrals for one? My previous accountant got too busy with his day job to continue doing the books for the bakery.

This cartoon illustrates why I carry a parasol everywhere. Not that I'm a sexist ginger bloke, but nevertheless. The struggle for we pale folk is real.

Thank god I didn't get be-toddler'd or be-elder'd. Mum's out of town still and I'd have nobody to help me open jam jars.

If anyone tries to pinch me because I'm not wearing green on this ridiculous holiday, I will break your fingers. Yes, I'm from an Irish family, no, I don't give a flying fuck.

[filtered; Finn Mikaelson]

But maybe I am actually wearing green somewhere.

[/end filter]

I don't know about being pregnant, but trying? That's fun. I highly recommend it.

If anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping until the 17th is over. Honestly, you lot don't need to disrespect my homeland to get shit-faced; you'll take any excuse.

The next Yank that tries to do my accent is going to get shot in the eye with an arrow.

Man, all of the Hardy Boys / Goosebumps / Babysitters Club books would be way better if they had literal titles.

( This one's my favorite. Cut for image, viewable to all. )

Does anyone here know about money and portfolios and all that crap?

There had best not be anyone called Anastasia Steele on this network.

And who the fuck gives a copy of Tess of the D'Urbervilles as a romantic gift?

Okay, I thought I knew all the rubbish about tipping people in America because you lot are too harebrained to pay people a living wage. I hadn't the faintest idea that you're actually supposed to tip the people who package a takeaway order you pick up yourself. And then I got called a "twat" when I said I hadn't got cash.

I'm fucking Irish, mate; don't take it out on me, take it out on your absurd wage laws.

The best feeling in the world is laying in your own bed after being in hospital for a while. I think I just rolled around for a while. I'm not single, damn it all, I'm in a steady relationship with 1200 thread count sheets.

I don't regret leaving my flat to get to a mate in the hospital. I do regret that I didn't apparently do a better job covering my face. I did inhale a bit of ash. They discharged Alyssa today, and now they want to keep me overnight to make sure I don't in fact have consumption. Bloody annoying.

I can only assume that most of you by now have found a place to stay while this plays out. If not, there are plenty out there who are opening their doors, but if you plan on going somewhere you'd best decide if it's worth going outside or not.

However, don't despair. To get us all through being stuck indoors and to keep our minds distracted, Logo's facebook page has the first episode of season six of RuPaul's Drag Race up. It's as delightful as you would expect it to be.

Hello/Salut.

I have to say, I'm delighted to finally be spending an extended amount of time in California. It's a beautiful state, and, if I'm going to be honest, the women and the men are just as nice to look at as the scenery.

My name is Aramis, and, as it's been mentioned I'm going to be here some time, I felt it would be best to really get to know the community. This network seems the place to do that, so here I am, and I hope I'll be welcomed with open arms. In most cases, I will not object to actually being welcomed that way, should it come to pass we meet in person.

(It also happens to be my birthday today, if that makes anyone feel more inclined to open their arms to me.)

This is the best not-real advert I've ever seen.

( Cut for NSFW image, open to all. )

I was unaware that this was being tested in Orange County. I'm rather pleased to hear it. It's a very smart marketing idea, and I'm sure it's already come in handy for quite a lot of people.

Alyssa, can you get your mum to bake again?

So I really suck at romance. What do you get a guy besides lube for Valentine's Day? Steak? I mean, he's really sweet and all, but I don't even know if we're technically dating yet because we haven't talked about it. And nothing's less romantic than "let's talk about us". (Ugh, even typing that gives me the creeps.)

So. What's a nice gift that can be taken as sweet if he likes me or nice if we're just friends with benefits?

I'm not a super romantic girl, but I must say this: I will marry and bear about five thousand children to the man that takes me to this event:

( Cut for image, open to all. )

What's more romantic than that? It's allegedly in North Carolina, and I have no idea where that is. Someone's going to have to start driving. I'll pay for petrol.

So, I still have the robes that my grandfather dressed me in before trying to ritually sacrifice me. Uni here has far fewer toga parties than I was led to believe by telly, so I've not used it yet.

I wonder if it's worth keeping.

What do you do when you're not really dating someone on Valentine's Day? Is there some sort of protocol for friends-with-benefits that I'm unaware of?

My mum's at it again. Now that I'm single, she says, I need a little bit of help being "inspired to wake up".

So she got me this bloody thing. That's not worksafe, by the by, and also incredibly mental even for my mother.

Does anyone wish to swap parents for a month or so?

( NSFW video under the cut )

Who the hell is Anastasia Steele?

( Cut for vaguely NSFW, visible to all )

Ugh, New Year's. When you're single it's the second worst holiday ever. I for one am going to sit at home in my jim-jams and read. Or maybe watch awful movies on telly. Lifetime's doing a film about Lizzie Borden, when does that come out? That looks hysterical.

Hullo. Name's Christian. I just moved here from Ireland. I work at the 4th Street Bank branch down in Los Angeles, but I've just moved to Orange County. I was told this is the network where one can go to meet people and figure out where to go for things around town - food, coffee, the like. Is this the place to ask about a dungeon? Obliged in advance.