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Look, I'm no Grinch or anything, but I seriously don't understand why we have to do this stupid office Secret Santa thing. I don't know this person, I have no idea what to get them. And then we what, have a party to give presents to people we barely know?

Ho ho yeah not for me. Who the fuck even put my name in there anyway.

Last night was bad.

So because I died that one time for about, oh, I don't know - five minutes? - they sent another slayer in town and she's a hoot. Spike and Drusilla tried to kill Angel, and that was a load of fun to stop. Second Slayer eventually went home after we became sorta friends so I can have my job back.

My dream-self had a crappy seventeenth birthday. And then Angel? Dream!vampire!boyfriend with the gypsy curse that's a good guy? Yeah, not anymore. The curse broke because we had sex and he reverted back to Angelus, and is now trying to kill all my friends. And then me.

On the bright side, I'm pretty sure I can work a military rocket launcher and those are oodles of fun.

I wish I could point at my dream-self and go, 'Nananana, I told you so.'

Good morning, my name is Agent Coulson and I have just moved here from Washington, DC. I am a fan of history and am completely dedicated to my job. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Thanks to that sleeping bullshit I got stuck in the hospital for another four days. You want to hear about hallucinations and nightmares? Let's all remember that a thousand stuffed animals were still starin' at me with their little beady plastic eyes the entire time. Anyone ever seen a cartoon movie called Akira? Look up the damn scene where the animals come to life. I dare you to sleep peacefully after that shit.

[Loki]
You didn't do your usual thing where you get out in public with your gigantic golden staff and take credit for the misery of thousands, so I'm guessing you didn't actually have anything to do with this one?

And how would you like to work for me? Hysterically funny, right? But I got a department that could use a guy like you at the helm of it.

[Nat]
That Barton ain't MY Barton, is he?

I don't know what this is, but I am sure it is some kind of magic. A dark sort.

Woke up the other morning and my hospital room looks like someone bought out a toy store and nailed every single stuffed animal in it to my walls. The nurses are havin' a field day with that.

Do you have any idea how someone reacts to something like this when they're on the dose of morphine they're keepin' me on? Who the hell did this. Yesterday I swear to god some of these bears were talking to me. I'm gonna have stuffed animal related nightmares for a week.

Wow. Dreams, man. Gotta love 'em.

[Private: Pepper]
You and me, kissing on a rooftop? Possibly the sexiest thing ever. Possibly.

[Private: Steve Rogers, Nick Fury]
It's not all that often that I want to be involved in something, and am turned down. I gotta admit, you stick to your guns, Fury.

That being said, thanks for keeping me in the loop in this world. Anything I can do to help? Suit's had a tune-up and I'm itching for a test run.

Elsa and I are throwing an 'end of the summer, celebrate school starting' kind of party. Complete with snow and ice, and sledding! You're all invited to come over. August 23. Bring food and drinks to share!

Soo sleep would be awesome about now but since I can't

The home I showed up to today while working was a strange one. The owner no less strange. They had a dog, which is normal. But that dog was sitting on the big family room chair dressed in a tiny brown duster for no real reason at all. The owner didn't even acknowledge it as though it was normal for his pet to just sit around in a nice jacket..If it would not have been unprofessional I'd have taken a picture.. Ignoring that was hard. It was ridiculous.

[Private filter to Nick Fury]
I've made my decision.

[Filter to Athos]
Is there any migraine medicine somewhere?

Hey look.



I found a coke with my name on it.

I ALMOST thought that I was going to have to find something else to do with my evening besides work, but then the backup generators kicked on. You never seen anyone cry as much as a building full of people who suddenly realise they ain't getting to go home early after all.

Of course, it's only powering the essentials, so I guess we're all gonna see what I look like without this coat on.

Wish I had a more interesting or upbeat reason for my first post, but...

Anyone know of any good therapists for vets? I just moved from Brooklyn a few weeks ago and I haven't had the opportunity to look anybody up yet. Preferably someone with experience with guys coming back with traumatic injuries.

Guess I should introduce myself too, huh? Name's Bucky Barnes. Nice to meet you, ValarNet.

I GOT IT.

Was there ever a doubt that I would?

I could be doing work, but instead I am watching this movie about a roller skate dancing competition.

It is not half bad.

And really, I am doing work. Honest.

There is a sock thief.

I am not amused.

Nothing like being woken up at the crack of dawn by your friends blasting Bruce Springsteen. I guess I should be flattered, right? At the risk of sounding old, I need a nap.

Not too bad, though. The dreams I was having weren't all that great and the distraction was good. I still think they should have bought me breakfast, though.

I just saw an ice cream truck rental that said you can sell/serve margaritas or soft serve ice cream from it.

I've finally found my calling in life.

Huh.

Just realized next week is my birthday.

Man, I am gettin' too damn old for this dream shit. There ain't enough old people on this network to complain about stuff with. I'm sittin' here in my office with the biggest cup of coffee I could find, daydreaming about the retirement I could have had.

I did not sign up for this crap. And who the hell am I to go playin' god with someone else's life like that?--

[ Loki of Asgard ]
I see you on my network, stirrin' up trouble and wearing ladypants. When the hell did you start wearing ladypants? The Loki _I_ met had a pair of balls or two. Probably more balls than half the people on my helicarrier, anyway.

You dream about this Avengers crap? Are you gonna start squashing us like ants under a boot? I'm just tryin' to be prepared for the next disaster over here.

In case y'all woke up because the sky was suddenly on fire and you're wonderin' what the hell is up with that big flaming bird thingy?

The situation is bein' handled. Go back to bed and thank god your planet didn't get ate.

Wisdom
Phoenix Force, apparently originating from your dream world bullshit. It's currently got a host and it's host daddy is circlin' the wagons. I'm gettin' my ass drunk. Maybe I'll see you at this pub sometime later.

Pryde
Summers' kid is your girlfriend, ain't she? Sitrep, Pryde.

All Agency
There ain't anything we can do about this thing. Just proceed like normal.

Oh great. Just what we needed. That.

That moment when you go to the bathroom and a roach is swimming in your toilet.

I'M DONE. SO DONE.

Dream me is kind of badass.

Dear Orange County, California,

I'd like to write a complaint, notifying you that it is a fine time for a climate change personality crisis. You've made my commute this morning a veritable living hell. And it's not because I don't know how to drive in the snow, but because every tosser out there with car keys and a cellphone, can't figure out how to drive in it. Everything's gone all bumper cars and general stupidity, all over the place.

Do us a favour and die in a fire, which might happen considering someone so much as blinks the wrong way and one of those starts and burns down everything. Under normal circumstances, that is. Which even then is really quite questionable, because what's normal anymore?

In short, I can't raise these two fingers high enough.

Bloody California. Bloody climate change.

No love for you,

Pete

OOC Note: This PSA is The Agency's cover-up for the recent Game Wide Plot, and is for those who are Hard Opted-Out

Around midnight this very early morning/late yesterday evening, it came to the attention of local authorities that hallucinogens may have been carelessly tossed into Orange County's water supply.

If you're seein' weird shit like your best girl friend suddenly becoming a male? You may be affected by this. Please do NOT go to a local hospital, as they will be woefully unable to help you. Instead, drink plenty of bottled water and get some exercise to flush the drugs from your system, and try to take it easy. Local shelters have been provided with a metric shitload of clean, bottled water to provide you with.

Thank you for your time.

[Agency Assets, Employees, Contacts]
Alright, sound off. Who woke up with parts they didn't have before? I know Carter's effected, but like Hell am I sorting through all of these posts.

What.

When I went to bed I had the right parts. How did I wake up like this? This is not even remotely possible, right?

[Private to Nick Fury]
Is this a good excuse for not coming in today? Or do I just come in and we explain it away?

An object landed on my beach last night. I moved it into my study. It's a hammer and there appears to be Norse runes on it. I've spent my entire morning trying to translate them.

Ah, California. It's been many years since I've been on this side of America, though I must say that I spent most of that time in San Francisco and not here in Orange County. I am quite happy at the prospect of spending an extended amount of time here.

My name, as I'm certain it's considered standard to introduce oneself, is Max Eisenhardt. I am a professor and will be teaching at UCI come fall. I feel perhaps there aren't many on this network my age, but I do like to keep up with the times. If one does not embrace progress then one will find themselves quickly out of touch, after all. I do wonder perhaps if some of my prospective students are here?

Has anyone seen Laura Kinney? I'm her roommate and she went out earlier and was supposed to be back by now to do more packing, but I haven't heard from her and she hasn't answered any of my texts and her phone is going to voice mail. I'm worried and it's making me antsy and when I get antsy, I want to go punch someone.

Something hinky's going on.

My cousin's married to this English guy named Pete Wisdom, and one just posted online. They don't even look alike, but they act enough alike where I've got goosebumps.

And I tried to call her, but Navi's not picking up her cell, and she always picks up her cell.

I'm freaking out.

Should I call the police or something?

I can't believe I'm expected to make nice and normal at everyone, over the bloody internet.

There's not enough scotch on the planet for this.

Fuckedyfuckfuck Fuck-a-Duck fuckIT.

Hello. I'm Pete Wisdom. I work for a overseas company that sells plushies and things with tiny plastic chokey bits to toy stores, for all of the world's ankle biters to gnaw and drool on. I'm here because my bosses think that I'd be the perfect regional sales representative. How kind of them.

I am so happy to meet you all. So, so happy. With all of the absolute...happiness. Rainbows and baby fluffy animals.

Where's the nearest pub?

And show me all of your weird so I can write a sarcastic report and then go light myself on fire.

Oh my god. This. This is priceless.

I can't even pick my favorite one, they're all golden. The skeleton one is good, the mother ones are hilarious. Okay, probably the ice cube one. Definitely the ice cube one.

Well, it started again. The new batch of dreams. I'm glad that dream-me is getting used to modern times. The list I keep is pretty hilarious. That's pretty much where the hilarity ends, though. I think I'd almost take alien invasions and Nazis over whatever weird espionage thing I'm likely about to get involved in.

But, hey, I got a new suit. I opened up my closet and next to my other one, there it was. It's not as spangly, decked out with the SHIELD logo. It's pretty snazzy.

Nothin' says 'you're about to have a really bad month' like being told you're losing an entire team's worth of assets and your in-house coffeemaker breaking. At the same damn time.

Someone in this building better bring me a damn coffee.

Mother's Day.

Did you call your mother? Is she still alive and kickin'? Are your fingers broken?

Then get on the damn telephone if you haven't, yet. Except for Pryde, sounds like she's got a good excuse.

If wearin' eighteen pounds of black leather in the middle of sunny goddamned california is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Attention Kitty Pryde. It's 6pm. Do you know where the hell your cell phone is?

I'll give you a hint. It ain't in your back pocket.

Also? You and I need to have some words.

How do bunnies stay healthy?
Eggercise

Why are people always tired in April?
Because they just finished a march

What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
An egghead.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
Tired.

What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
Your one hot chick!

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
"Ether"!
"Ether" who?
"Ether" Bunny!

Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
Hareobics.

Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
Hot, cross bunnies

I've got work to do. Have to figure out how to make some of the things from my Dreams a reality.

[Private to Pepper]
I need you to find me a doctor. Internal medicine specialist.

[Private to Jarvis]
There's a solution. I dreamed about it. Let's just hope we can make it happen before I get sick from this thing.

So this little ball of fur is called Leroy Jenkins.

( Cut for Image, Open to All )

I finally get my ass over to The Agency's building and the brother at the front desk wants to tell me how late I am.

Excuse me? Have you ever been a big one-eyed black man trying to get a cab in any metropolitan area, ever? No, you have not.

Tryin' to tell me I'm late. I've been on a plane since before the SUN came up and the man can't even get me a coffee. Orange County, you and I are gonna have a problem you keep this up.

...Got the kind of call I never want to get again.

Jeff, Marcia and Pammy are all down with this fucking thing.

Consider me not coming into work tomorrow.

Pete and I kind of have a HUGE announcement, guys.

Did anyone ever make a bet against Pete having kids?

Hey, it's 2013 in half an hour and the world didn't fucking end. Talk about waiting for something your whole life and it not coming to pass. Obviously not disappointed; still, would have been nice if things had gone to plan.

Well I guess this means I have to go to the store now. Fuck.

I need a god damned drink.

And a better offering of Television, not much on in the way of anything I give a shit about.

Guess I'm heading out to the bars.

So. Good news and bad news.

The good news! Lily and baby boy Potter are doing well and everything is great. Except I swear to fucking God I will kill Bellatrix if I ever run into

The bad news is we have no idea about a name since we were absolutely not prepared, so we're taking suggestions. Thoughts?

Did anyone else go through something weird last week? Like... did anyone else get something special that then disappeared?

...I actually wouldn't believe this if it wasn't happening right in front of me and I wasn't participating in this, but Jeff, the son in law? Actually he's not that bad. Today the both of us were relegated to last minute holiday shit, like picking up the ham, wrapping and assembling some of Pammy's bigger presents, and generally staying out of my daughter's hair. Surprisingly? Neither of us wound up dead, and he had a pretty good idea about where the elf is showing up tomorrow.

Provided one of us can wander in and attach it to her hair without her waking up, of course. And that we ever figure out assembling this princess castle shit complete with working toilet that makes a flushing noise.

It's going to be a long ass night, that one's for sure. Is this how christmas memories get made?

I'm afraid I've failed to introduce myself, as people seem to do on these things.

The name's Bond.

New Furby terrify the living shit out of anybody else? I swear the thing is gonna leap out of its box before Christmas and eat my soul. I mean they were bad enough the first year, when we were investigating the things, then an irritant at best, and now?

Well, it's sure not staying at MY place until I deliver it to its new human companion Christmas Eve, that's for DAMN sure. ...Should I even let the thing get near an impressionable five year old? Cause I'm thinking it's Stitch while Stitch was evil, and it's sure as Hell not gonna get UN evil when the batteries go in.

It's got a tail now. An honest to God moving tail. The display model at the store was on and running and chattering at me. I am horrified and think my daughter ought to just give in and let her get one of those huge hamster...lab rat... guinea pig things instead. You can trust a living creature.

But you damn well can't trust ANY Furby. When I've got the time, I'm re-opening the files from '98 and launching a new look inside.

I mean somebody's gotta think of the children here.