Network

The problem with having a hyper-intelligent dog is when he figures out how to open the fridge.

And then teaches the cats the trick.

Next, I expect him to make me an omelette.

Figures, since my magic has crossed over or manifested or whatever the fuck you want to call it, I haven't had any dreams so I have no fucking idea how to use my magic. I still have no idea how I used it to kill those zombies, but I can feel the magic. I know how it's supposed to work, from the dreams I have had, but can't actually do anything no matter what I do.

And here I make my first post on this cesspool of a website as a married man. Quite exciting, no? Thanks to those who came out to the Roger and surrounding private beach last night - we didn't finish our raucous until the wee morning hours, in fact. It was nice to see friends and family who were both here already and those who returned to celebrate with us. The pictures are still a work in progress but I'll show one of the unprofessional variety.

( cut for image )

I'm either quite glad to be married or out of the ceremony clothes, or my bum just got grabbed again.

But at any rate, Regina and I will leave for our honeymoon in a week or so. When we return, I'd like to get cracking with a new temporary assistant at JR Investigations, so, if you're interested in PI work give me a shout. Perhaps if things work out it can become permanent - business is booming, after all.

isabela. i found something for you. i'm presenting it to you...as soon as it gets here because i already bought it. but look at it. it's what's up. i'm linking this here so everyone can buy their own because obviously you all want one, too.

[ooc: pls understand this is NSFW]

I thought that, since I'm personally focusing more on divination and my actual occult research job now (though it's given me a chance to try out more tools than cards and teacups - I've been using lithomancy and mirrors quite a bit now if anyone wants to experience a reading), I would do another recruitment drive for our Magic Guild. We've recently added an Apparition category as well. If interested, feel free to contact me - even if you just want a tour of our HQ and aren't sure which category you fall into, I'm available for that too.

Heartburn has become my worst enemy lately, but I'm still good for giving tours. Ginger and standing up while eating seem to help though being in my last trimester of pregnancy, I'm headed to 'get him out of me' sooner rather than later, I'm sure.

Well, good morning, everyone. Every day that we wake up not yet entangled in nuclear war is a good day, isn't it? Resident n00b here, and resident LGBT lawyer - Dorian Pavus, at your service, and I always keep up with my bar dues (yes, you have to pay to practice law, who'd have thunk?) and CLE requirements.

This forum is utterly fantastic and I'm so glad the idea to join came to me in a dream. Well, it didn't really, but I thought I'd mention that just to integrate myself seamlessly.

But what else about me? I live on a vineyard, I brew my own spirits, and then drink them. That may be all I can share at this time, and I eagerly await the scintillating conversations you will provide as I sip my oolong tea.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, losing to some possessed mage, or that I'm still stuck on the couch.

Blazing bollocks of fire it is hot outside.

But never fear. We've a cool, air-conditioned tavern here at The Hanged Man. Our latest special involves seeing whose the lucky bastard who can locate all of the phallic symbols carved around the establishment - one can guess who is the artist behind that - and come to me with the accurate number and show me all the locations. This lucky winner will get a complimentary keg of our home-brewed Rat's Dropping (it's a beer, tastes better than it sounds, I promise) and a free week of all-you-can-drink-and-eat.

And a chance to grab my bum, so don't miss out on this.

(Yes, I'm a serious business owner.)

the more i learn about magic, the more i'm certain witches and wizards were meant to prank people most of the time with some time set aside for fucking shit up and then fixing that shit that you just fucked up. then there's just some stuff thrown in there for show and sparkles. like magic tricks. you can seriously just make bubbles come out of the end of your wand and then decorate an entire room with bubbles. the answer to your question is yes, yes, i did decorate my room with a lot of bubbles just to do it. don't worry, hawke, i won't let them make a mess of things. i am o+ at magic. i've been practising. obvs.

This isn't so much of an existential crisis as a what the hell is life and does this really exist??

Apparently there's this comic where I'm teaming up with Ian McKellan (dressed as Gandalf) and we're entrusted with this, uh, task from the Sorcerer's Guild and going up against demon summoners from Mordor. I think there's a panel with flying banana peels - look, I don't know - and then the shenanigans cause me to flip a table of food that just showed up outta nowhere.

Cue explosions.

And Christopher Lee (dressed as Saruman) at the end.

I don't know much about Lord of the Rings but what I do know is this: Sunday afternoons need vodka in the orange juice, not champagne. I'll be toasting to you, Sir Ian McKellan.

Why in the bloody hell do these dreams have to continue? Though I suppose the cliffhanger they ended at before was a bit awkward. And you know what else is awkward? Wanting to propose to your dream ladyfriend and getting a blessing from her father - only to realise that you were the one who murdered your would-be fiancee's grandfather. Neither she or her father know that, of course, because I seem intent on keeping it a secret. Since clearly a secret like that is a way to get someone to accept your proposal.

It was a robbery gone wrong, mind you. I just thought he was some twat whose carriage me and my crew looted, and then dumped the body on the side of the road. Sorry, Swan. I didn't kill anyone you're related to here, I assure you.

Well, anyway, all of this nonsense means a certain Savior has returned from the alternate universe she was sucked into. And we finally know who was clearly sent to kill her from yet another alternate universe. Do you have a headache yet? I certainly do.

Did receive a harpoon out of it though. It's enchanted, and why wouldn't it be? Perhaps this will come in handy next time I want to locate wayward souls, or potentially spear a squid for supper.

Today I had my first experience of someone rudely asking me if I was pregnant. I thought this was more a faux pas nowadays, but no, people apparently still do it.

The answer was yes, and may as well say it here too. I'm due in November and can eat again without throwing up so I guess it's obvious I've been going to town on, well, everything I can stuff into my mouth.

Spending the night in the emergency room isn't very fun. Got my foot stepped on by a spooked horse with all the storming last night before work started. We also couldn't get through to call one of the others to replace me, so, show had to go on. taking a break from the restaurant for a few nights, then back to it. I'll be at the bar still though!

want to know what's fucking creepy? skeletal fucking horses. that's what. also i have never seen them before, but they were pulling the carriages. i mean, okay, they're also fucking badass as hell, but fuck. according to dream knowledge, they're called thestrals. that sounded convincingly like me

This year, for April Fool's Day my roommate:

-Replaced the bar of deodorant in its container with cream cheese.
-Covered my soap with clear nail polish.
-Somehow managed to cover every inch of surface space in my room with red solo party cups.
And:
-There is a tray of "candy apples" in the fridge that I am highly suspicious of.

This is the price I pay every year for living with a Kender prankster.

What does one do when their older brother, who has two children and a ... fairly decent wife, decides to drop the 'I'm gay' bombshell, having gotten to the point of wanting to live honestly with himself, and wishes to tell a horribly conservative and grossly judgemental father that he's divorcing his wife to shack up with his very male lover?

Considering I know what my father is capable of, regardless of how grown we are, I'm not entirely sure Christian knows what he's doing. Other than finally being honest about things. The sweet thing doesn't fully understand my concerns either.

Americans and their interpretation of St. Patrick's Day never ceases to amaze me. In Ireland it was once a subdued sort of thing, pubs even closed early, until the massive parade in Dublin began to emerge on a yearly basis and then later it turned into a festival.

But the shamrocks (by the way, the real national symbol of Ireland is the harp) and turning rivers green, that was all on you Yanks. It's a bit ridiculous but many things are these days. I, personally, will be at a bar distinctly not decked out in green for that night - but I can guarantee it'll be a spot with the best Irish whiskey.

Also someone tell me what the bloody hell I'm supposed to do with 'shears of destiny,' since like most everything else in Storybrooke they caused enough trouble. You can use them to sever the ties to your own destiny, but how are you supposed to even know what your destiny is? Isn't that dangerous? A question for the ages, perhaps.

on the list of things i'm not drunk enough for, my life is at the top of the list. and yet i have to be at work and that requires me to be sober. why is the universe punishing me?

if anyone wants to make terrible, drunken mistakes get drunk with me after i'm off work, probably let me know so i know to tell you where to go. if you're coming, though, don't be the emotional, oversharing sort of drunk and don't try to be my mum. none of that is acceptable tonight. i mean, if you want to feed me alcohol while also not letting me die, i guess you're allowed, but you still have to feed me alcohol or let me feed it to myself

[ooc: posted during this]

I have come into a minor dilemma.

I am in need of someone either capable of atom attachment or in possession of magic/cosmic fires. There is an attachment issue, in that something need reattaching.

My dreams just keep getting better and better, especially now that I'm done with all the sad War of the Lance stuff and I'm back hanging out with Flint who had died in my other dreams but is still young and spry and doesn't complain about boats - not that he's been in a boat yet but he also hasn't been capsized by Caramon yet so he has nothing to complain about!!

Anyway, me and this sea elf princess named Selene went to rescue Flint and Tanis who got kidnapped by an evil mage who follows an evil god who's a coin! We saw them talking together - the mage and the coin god, not Flint and Tanis. We were mice! Because we took this potion which means I can turn into any animal that I want which is the BEST THING EVER REALLY. I was a mouse and a fly and a bird and a snake and a spaniel and a troll and a dog again and a crab and you should have seen Flint's face when I turned into a crab and then turned into myself it was hilarious and being a troll sure was fun because unlike here I was never tall in my dreams - not that I was really tall here but at least I used to be kind of normal sized and not just my size now so I had never been as tall as a troll in my dreams though I guess I also haven't been as tall as a troll in real life either.

I wonder if I can find a metamorphasis potion here! Does anyone make one? I would love to become all kinds of animals because there were SO MANY I didn't get to turn into in my dreams before the potion wore off!

who thought it was a good idea to make dream me a teacher? this is a terrible idea. muggle studies and deputy headmistress? what even? lol. someone trusts me. trusts me to be the worst at this job or maybe someone just hates students.

The new apartment has thicker walls, for which I am grateful. However, it does make me wonder just how loud our next door neighbors much actually be if I can hear them through the walls.

I'll be pleased once football season is over.

I really sort of loathe those nights where you just receive a whole dump of dreams in the few hours of sleep you get - from stabbing Jekyll/Hyde to death, to battling a Kraken, to meeting my half-brother (I think I prefer having a sister here in this other hellhole) and then dealing with an Evil Queen and her cleavage, it was certainly a whole bunch of madness typical to good old Storybrooke.

But my four-month-old slept through the night, a good thing, and I went out to a New Years party and came back engaged. So all in all a successful start to 2017, I'd say.

Engagement party details forthcoming, now that the weather seems to be shifting and it's not too bloody cold to host something on the Roger. Perhaps I ought to give official tours or offer pirate adventures or some such, yet I can't help but be protective of the lovely girl.

My dreams finally decided that it was time to veer off from my normal life. I honestly thought it would be worse, but it doesn't seem so bad so far. In fact, I woke up this morning under a mound of hair-dye and hot sauce! I'll never have to buy dye again. Not that I ever had to dye my hair before, but what can you do.

I'm unfortunately going to be out of town for whatever day it is where you talk like a pirate, however, the Jolly Roger has got a nice space for a fire pit - or really, it's a metal box filled with sand meant for grilling or heating preserved food. Nothing fancy but I quite think it's about time I had people over to see my beautiful love for a get-together on deck and under the stars.

She's in private dock space in Newport Beach - how about next Saturday, I'll just invite the whole bloody network. No boiled and salted leather or turtle's blood, but there will be lots of fish and other delicious things. Perhaps rum as well.

Someone else is quite ready for it too, mind you.

( cut for image, viewable to all )

Red and black is my favourite piratical colour combination.

The hangover that I'm still feeling today, from Saturday night's indulgences, means that I've come to the realization I need to share some of the wealth from Skyhold's wine cellar. There's enough of a supply to share, anyway. These bottles are all from Thedas - there's honey mead, sipping whiskey, wine from Tevinter that you have to drink with a catsbane powder to counteract the poisoning, black currant brandy, Orlesian liqueur, something made in a bathtub, and a bunch of other stuff but also most notably Dragon's Piss. No one knows what it is. It might be literal.

I've gotten estimates to bring electricity to the fortress, though in the mountains it's tricky - one strong breeze can send the wires down for a few hours. I think the main rooms will have electricity, but most guest rooms will just be candles and wood fires. Hot water for all facilities will definitely be a go though. I guess we can call it 'eco tourism.' There's a throwback to another era, in Morocco, that I've been researching for inspiration. I might take a trip there to stay at the place, just for research purposes and to know that running a hideway without a lot of electricity is possible.

Anyway, this has been your booze-soaked post for Monday morning, enjoy.

Will I ever understand the appeal of American football? There's attractive men, yes, but other than that, I don't know why people enjoy it?

We sent some of my crew to investigate a stellar phenomena. We lost contact with the shuttle, and I have a Commissioner breathing down my neck to abandon them. Granted, we're delivering medical supplies, but the rendezvous is five days away. So we have time to search, while still making the rendezvous.

I hate people giving me orders on my ship.

Got a pit bull mum and her puppies at the rescue, and I have to say, it's so hard to not adopt all of them, not that I have the room. Just hope they all find some decent forever homes when the time comes.

Even if my dreams have tapered off - the new ones, anyway - apparently whatever powers that be feel it's prudent for me to still receive 'gifts.' The Wrath of Lovias sounds ominous, but it's really just a staff best used for channeling wintry magic - I know a few spells, but I'll have to work on more, even with me being down an arm for casting. The staff has an intriguing origin though, it's sort of designed after a staff belonging to the former Archon Lovias; an Archon is the mage who rules entirely over the Tevinter Imperium. But this particular Archon finally succumbed at age 89, which is a pretty good lifespan for medieval times, his death caused by choking on a fishbone of all things.

The whole story is the subject of a few comedic plays in Tevinter, which I did get to see the times I've dreamed of traveling there. Awful, but. Hilarious.

Anyway, I've gotten back to work with my regular client sessions and work with NAMI - the party to kick off their series of hiking events is coming up, and there are prizes available for the most creative hiking boots. I figure if you can spice up hiking boots, you probably deserve a prize anyway.

Thank you to those who pitched in to help keep others safe and deal with what came out of those rifts. They're all closed now, and so is the Breach - which was the main tear in what I assume is our Veil here, and so with that patched up then no more nasty things should be coming through.

So I believe we're out one Wal-Mart and I'm out one arm, and it took me forever to even type this up, but if anyone needs help with clean-up or anything else just let me know and I'll come by.

Christ on a white horse, this Brexit nonsense is pissing all over the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. Did anyone not consider what ramifications this will have, to fuck with the border, when they voted leave like the idiots they are? Decades and decades of violence and tension, and now it's all going to be kicked up again. I remember I used to travel back and forth with no trouble at all - who knows what will happen now, since loads of people live and work on different sides of the border, and cross every day.

I'll just be out scrubbing my deck. And I mean that in the cleanest way possible.

( private, secure messages to thalia and luke )

Oh, Andraste's sagging arse, I'm quite over the likes of Thedas. I suppose it was good that I was warned my lover would volunteer to stay behind in the Fade in some act of heroism or some shit like that. Because otherwise, waking up to find the letter from his best friend regarding his death there on the nightstand would be a really bad fucking surprise.

I need a few of Dorian's sparkly balls to take my mind off this.

But the lighter part of it all is that I got a new outfit? One with actual trousers this time, a very grown-up swashbuckling outfit, complete with gigantic pirate hat. I feel about a thousand years old by the time the Inquisition happens, but I look great and am still stabbing people so I suppose that's also a good thing.

So everyone has odd dreams and discusses them publicly What the bloody hell is wrong with this place

I'm not formally used to this network sort of thing but I was told it could be of some use.

Seeing as I'm new to the area I was hoping some of you would be so kind as to point me in the direction of a reputable store for texts. Not the Twilight and Harry Potter sort. Real books of the new age and old.

And also a decent bar or two would be lovely.

I lost my fucking arm--
Solas is a dickhead
Well, that was fun, but the world is in danger yet again

Now that I've sort of had a minute to process everything, I can try to put it into words. My dreams seem to be lining up with life in the waking world interestingly well - we hit the motherload of potion raids in a castle in Emprise du Lion, which was probably the most beautiful place we've traveled to. If a little (a lot) cold and craggy. Plus that oddly eerie red tint to the skies and the treeline. Figures that the dragon we encountered was immune to ice magic, there in the constant snowfall.

But I've been working on potions here too, is the thing. Regeneration, healing, and resistance to cold and fire. Some others also. I suppose that's an offer for the masses, but I can't promise they'll taste like candy.

And I'm not sure why whatever forces insist on dumping awkward furniture in my living room, because a humongous war table just really doesn't go with the 'theme.' It's also blocking the front door and currently guests need to climb on it in order to get into the house.

Being without my shadow and unable to go out in the sun has left my days rather empty and I've been trying to fill them by finding new and interesting things to read and learn about. In my findings recently I have discovered the canon that my Dreams come from. I'm really very excited about this! Finally I can show people the world that I dream about! I've wanted to do this ever since the dreams started!

I've also discovered the wild and interesting world of fanfiction. Oh my goodness, there is a lot of fanfiction for the canon my Dream self comes from. Some of it is fantastic while others are...well not so fantastic, and a lot of what is called slash fiction. I'm not sure I understand why, but writers like to pair up our cook and our swordsman. It doesn't make any sense, but it's interesting to read.

It is with a bit of exhausted fanfare that I proudly announce the arrival of our half-English, half-Yank spawn - Lina gave birth to our daughter today (without the need of drugs, mind you, whereas I certainly almost fainted a few times). Amelia Romany Wisdom is her name, and she's just a little over five pounds and a couple weeks early but apparently she was eager to make her grand debut and join all the oddness around here.

They're both doing well, though Amelia will probably have to stay a few days before we can bring her home. Our families are all quite happy too, but that could be due to the vodka my future father-in-law brought with him. Visitors are certainly welcome if you're so inclined.

Oh ho, so who wants to get drunk? No, seriously. Hawke and I need taste testers for the specialty cocktails at the tavern we're opening soon - it's called the Hanged Man, and it's a tribute to the one from Kirkwall, which is the shitter of Thedas but if there was any amazing place to go get pissed as your life flushes down the toilet, it was definitely the Hanged Man. We've also designed drinks for our gang, the ones who are here and some who aren't.

( Cut for length, viewable to all )

The location's in Anaheim, a quaint medieval-themed pub right near Disneyland. We'd so appreciate your help with letting us know how things taste! Cheers, loves.

PS, I definitely recommend Sparkly Balls and King Alistair. Champion's Cock goes smoothly down the throat as well.

The mental illness awareness organization I do a lot of work with, NAMI, is holding an event in Irvine next Saturday - outdoors, at a park, and there will be all sorts of things like a book exchange and food trucks (I think even complimentary massages?). But I'll be there in the 'community support' section, as a mental health care provider, should anyone want to drop by. I see so many people discussing their dreams and I feel as if I should make others aware of the opportunity.

On my own dream front our fortress, Skyhold, recently got assaulted by goats. Gassy goats, too. One let it rip before the other slammed into the wall and I don't even know what's going on anymore. It was almost as baffling as one of my advisers running out of the room naked after losing a game of Wicked Grace (I won't name names).

For anyone wondering about the actual goat thrower, he was made an agent of the Inquisition and dispatched to Tevinter to throw goats there instead.

Today I've done what most young things these days call 'adulting,' which include: paying college tuition for the twins in full, finding a new place that doesn't smell like moldy cheese for my family (minus the uncle who brushes his teeth with cocaine every morning), and buying furniture that is 100% new and has never been contaminated with bed bugs to furnish this aforementioned new abode.

We even got housewarming flowers? Or something. Well, more for my mother. Apparently she has a suitor who I've yet to meet who the fuck even is this man but he sent her an impressive white lily arrangement? I don't know what to think about this. She's my mother, she obviously doesn't have to answer to me but I would still like to know who this bloody bloke is. Apparently she met him online, so if any of you fuckers darling people would like to admit to wooing Leandra Hawke, we'll need to sit down and talk so I can threaten the safety of your balls.

My dreams just keep getting better. There was this big battle against an army of Darkspawn. Really nasty creatures that want to kill us all and blight the land. And we lost. But we got rescued by a witch who made her daughter Morrigan go with us when we left to...save the world somehow, I'm sure. Our first stop was this little village named Lothering where we met a rather lovely red-head and freed a Qunari from a cage.

Those poor people though. They were right in the way of the Darkspawn army and they don't really stand a chance.

We set out for a place called Redcliff to try to drum up our own army when I woke up.

To find a gigantic Mabari war hound sleeping at the foot of my bed, and my staff leaning against the wall.

Do these things just happen and Alistair why didn't you warn me!

It's rather exciting mind you.

I think I'll call him Barkspawn.

Alright, perhaps I shall resign myself to accepting this dream nonsense as being more than nonsense. I had believed the first dream I had was little more than a strange commentary upon my life, twisted by my unconscious mind from that whole incident with the fog. Alas it seems it was not simply commentary but an actual dream of another life, as a second dream has confirmed.

I lived with my mother in a place known as the Korcari Wilds in a place called Ferelden. Apparently I am a mage as in this new dream, my powers manifested themselves, much to my mother's delight t'would seem. Her reaction to my powers was disquieting.

Well, 'slaying a basilisk' is not how I'd picture spending my time but there you have it. Though granted, I didn't do it on my own. We do make quite the aquatic creature-hunting team, Miss Bo (is it still a team with only two people? Alas).

Point is, there's a dead basilisk on my porch. It's wrapped in a tarp and I need some of the skin but otherwise, it's free to be donated to anyone who wants to study...a mythological sea snake.

Figured I'd try this network first, because you lot are strange and there might be someone who's interested.

Public announcement: you too can find an abundance of riches if you're willing to stay several weeks underground, inside Dark Spawn infested tunnels, and if you can tolerate being back-stabbed by a dwarf who fits in your arsehole and attempts to leave you for dead, you have it made.

Then there's the part where by the time we resurface, my brother is making strides to become a bloody Templar and no, that doesn't hurt my mage-feelings, why would it? spoiled little prat

I now have a fancy red robe with the family crest on it. I'll wear it anywhere I please, thank you, even at grocery stores and coffee shops. It'll give me the illusion that I'm as wealthy as I've come to be in these blasted dreams. Perhaps I'll have better luck literally digging for treasure? Or stealing someone's gold tooth like someone I know.

I'm probably older than I think I am to be on a forum for the first time. My younger siblings would be proud. And poke plenty of fun.

Fuck, I never post on this forum, do I? I think the last post I made I was a woman, then before that the bearer of bad news. It feels odd to not have anything catastrophic to say.

I've always hated that 'pink for girls, blue for boys' shit so imagine this in orange font or something. Anyway, according to the doctor's poking (which looked uncomfortable) we're having a girl and I unfortunately didn't get any 'it's a girl' biscuits or cakes or cigars, but if anyone wants to drink with me tonight, I'll be at [insert name of bar] and I'll buy you one.

Names are still being brainstormed. That one's tough, isn't it?

While it's absolutely darling that everyone is enjoying the shift in year, do you perhaps think you'd all be able to do it a little quieter. And stop getting so hung over people, I don't need more than my own to deal with.

Explaining to a professional exactly why I've overdosed on migraine medication would be decidedly uncomfortable for both of us, I think. And I would really hate to ruin a man just because he's not as delusional as most here.

My mother made it home for Christmas! She said she just had the urge to come to California!

I have not been this happy in ages!!

Er

So this is a bit weird a request, and I'm sorry if I'm not posting this in the right place. I'm here for a conference for the next two weeks during Christmas of all and I'm trying to find something to do. Unfortunately, it's snowing outside so all the standard California stuff seems to be out for the moment. Does anyone have some ideas for something fun to do?

There's a glorious, glorious man I met in the dreams last night. Could perhaps benefit from a nose job, he's not all that tall (he's a dwarf), but he can probably talk me out of my own pants and has chest hair so majestically curly I can't take my eyes off it. I'm sure the phrase 'my eyes are up here' applies to him in this situation. He's also the only person I know who names his crossbow and treats it like a lover, but alright.

I've also paid off my servitude after a year for gaining entrance in that charming shithole of a city, and apparently am making strides to get on board with an expedition that takes you underground for treasure. Assuming we don't get killed by dark spawn things and ogres before we get to the loot.

Oh, and get this. One item I get from that wretched place: a cheese wheel caked in a year's worth of mold. No, really. It's a legitimate thing that stayed in a corner of my Uncle's dirt cave for an entire year. I swear it's alive.

Just in time for the holidays. I'm so blessed.