Network

I'd found this bundle of letters at the back of my closet a few days ago, and I've been reading them with the utmost fascination. They've all been signed "Sincerily, RF", which is quite funny because those are Robert's intitials, and he has letters signed RS which are mine.

They were quite interesting, detailing a young man's adventures across Europe, being an amanuensis for a composer in Belgium and other such things.

It was all well and good until yesterday when I got to the last letter, dated December 12th, 1931.

( Trigger Warning: Deceased Parents / Comas, viewable to all. )

Before I left today, I was looking over my appointments for tomorrow and one of the new patients is someone I went to school with. ( Cut for mention of drug abuse - viewable to all ) I'm wondering if I should request he see another counselor. It all reminds me how different it could have been for me.

( Cut for violence/child abuse/penal system, but viewable to all. )

( Trigger warning: rant against rapists and rape culture underneath. )

Got another text.

Who here said they'd help me file a restraining order?

How do you all put up with medical care in this country? I just took a look at the bill for my hospital trip, and it's ridiculous.

Does anybody know how to figure out who called you when they blocked their number? Or texted?

It's either a totally not funny prank text, or my dad found me. One of them will result in me changing, my number.

( Cut for TW: alcoholism. )

The doctors want to keep me another couple of days of observation, but otherwise they don't know how I'm healing so fast. I haven't told them anything, either. They don't need to know.

Also: Dean Winchester, I need to talk to you.

Well, this is very odd.

I awoke this morning to find I was staring at, well, myself. I thought it was you, Raven. But she - I? - just looked at me, and asked me what on earth I was doing still abed. I replied that it was just now a civilized hour, and she looked at me as though I was daft. Told me I ought to be 'up and at 'em' to 'carpe diem'. All with a very oddly sweet smile.

If someone sees her gallivanting around town - probably skipping, for all I know - can you please kill her? She's ruining my reputation.

Not sure, exactly, how to word the latest dreams of mine. When such fails, I suppose I should be pleased I can turn to my dream-self, for he's far more eloquent in desperate times than I am. I can't promise this is exactly verbatim, but I've dreamt it often enough now that I suppose it should be close.

( Cut for trigger warnings: mentions of suicide. )

I wish I could say that was just it, but it's quite a long letter. I have to marvel at my dream counterpart's calmness, his acceptance of it all, but I find myself - ironically - too cowardly to even want to attempt sleep in coming days, because, unlike my dream self, I do not want to see this through.

On the bright side, with these dreams came the missing half of the book I found some months ago. Tucked away amidst my music folders. Adam Ewing will comfort me for now, I suppose.

Is it so wrong that I really don't want to go to college? I don't have anything that I want to take, and I make a pretty good check selling my face for modeling jobs. I still have the music store too. Why take classes just to take classes?

( Me in the Jag )

I can make a decent living doing this.

I just want my girlfriend to come back, then it's all good.

( Cut for mentions of NPC death. Also backdated to earlier in the day. )

My dream kind of mirrored reality, complete with reversion...

( triggers: depression, alcoholism )

It's been a month, and I feel like just being honest.

( TW for Alcoholism )

Now you all know. I like fake margaritas, but if you come near me with that non-alcoholic pisswater beer I will glare at you.

[ Filtered to Obi-Wan ]

Your face is in every corner of this house, and etched on every surface. I can't even look at my roof without seeing you. I can't even lie on my own grass without thinking about you.

You don't have to forgive me and I'm not going to ask for it. I owe you an explanation in detail beyond what I just posted, and I think I'm finally strong enough to give you that, if you want it.

I hear you've moved on, and I'm glad for you.

It's a pain in the ass having to yell at YOUR teenager for the same stupid shit you pulled when you were their age. What's that phrase about paying for your raising? ( Read more... )

I can't get really pissed because I think I know what's going on, but dammit I'm still REALLY pissed, and really worried.

But something's gotta change along the way before it gets worse, right? Tomorrow I'm therapist searching, swear to god. If this is happening, we've obviously both got issues that we need to deal with so it stops.

I never thought I'd say that Roy was easier but...Roy was way, way easier.

( Trigger warning for violence, death of NPC in dreams. )

( cut for language and trigger warning )

It's official, I hate this place terribly.

All right, the OC hasn't done anything wrong but it's the general fact that I regrettably must live within the same county as the people who I should supposedly refer to as my family.

( Filtered for family arguments. )


[Filtered to Robert's friends.]

Would any of you care to help me move? I'm not really bringing much, but I'm taking the piano whether they like it or not. And my music collection is very heavy.

I'd like to talk about Roy Harper for a while here:

( Cut for discussion of character death )

That... was an adventure. Even by Thénardier standards.

For those who are interested, ( Under the cut as a precaution. TW for references to premature birth )

Lately, I've been dreaming again. Nothing new. Just the same things I've always dreamed, but it's been a long time since I'd had any of them. Maybe if I talk about it, they won't affect me as much as they do. I've only ever told one other person any of this.

( Cut for potential triggers. abuse and molestation )
Men code-named Sabertooth and Weapon X saved me, and took me to a resistance group led by a Magnus and a Rogue, and many other faces that I've met a dozen versions of. I was raised there and trained to fight. and then there was the Negative Zone.. And when we took our final assault on his base, I was the transport. In the final battle, we rewrote the timeline, and I fell out of it.

I landed in a place outside time, along with several other people. These people became my friends, and my family. We traveled from alternate reality to alternate reality, trying to undo damage that had been done to their timelines. We lost a lot of people, and gained a new friend every time we did.

Eventually my time was up, for a little while. I was sent to a world we'd once helped, to help my old friend, Mr. Creed.( trigger: mindcontrol, mentions of death )

Every day I wake up and wonder when I'll be pulled back. Because if my powers and my skin color came from the dreams, why not that link to that place outside time? That means my time here might be limited.

It's a depressing thought.

( TW: Character Death, not cut for characters, and Thea being a brat about funerals cause it's easier )

On the bright side, I've finally got that pony that I wanted since I was like three.

This is cheaper than therapy, right?

So the dreams are ... I mean, some of us get qualities from the dreams - powers or our looks change or stuff like that. In my dreams, the high priest of Hell wants me. And I don't mean a cute little guy with a pitchfork.

( Trigger warnings for gore, reference to suicide. )

I wonder sometimes if instead of changing somehow, I'll get my stalker. Like ... I'm not a paranoid person, I'm a damn cop, but I keep looking over my shoulder all the time. Waiting for the toll of a church bell, waiting for the walls to crack open and for him to show up in his leather butcher's apron, saying my name. His voice is ... beautiful in its way, just like him. Symmetry fighting against chaos -

I should sleep. Anyone have any tips on how to sleep even though you don't want to?

( character death )

If anyone needs me, I'm afraid you'll just have to suffer through without me. I'll be in Rio for the next week or so, reacquainting myself with my husband.

( Trigger warning for noncon, implied rape. )

I don't know if I can go to work today, I keep throwing up.

( ooc: language, racism )

God. I've missed these dreams!

No more of the girl with the Mayan tattoos, but... pretty girls in the pool, and, uh, Alice pretty much proclaiming me the center of the lesbian universe.

Might be jealous of what Bette and Tina have. Lucky women.

Oh God.

( Cut for references to death in the dreams )

( Cut for slight TW and hate against Father's Day )

Well. That was an unexpected medical detour. ( TW: Mental health facility mentions )

At this point, it's a matter of sorting out the triggers, finding ways to get myself out of these states, and figuring out things with my own doctor now. I'm sorry if I scared people on the anniversary of my death in the dreams, and ruined the party, but..I'm back now?

I think my mirror is broken. I look more like my dreams

In other news, loveys, one shouldn't love blind them to making decisions. No matter how altruistic you feel.

The surgery went well. They got all of it out, and so I'm starting chemo in a week or two.

I've had surgery so many times now that I wonder if this will be the last time for me. My luck seems to be running out these days.

If anyone wants to visit while I'm not allowed to move much in bed for a couple of days, I appreciate ice cream and video games.

So, since School is actually out. I... Have nothing to do. And I think I should try and be... Well more outgoing and meet some people even if I get nervous. Are there any people patient enough to deal with someone with social anxiety enough to maybe go to a zoo or park?

TW for Eating disorder in comments

Does it seem extremely prideful of me to think I might actually be able to do a better criminal profile than the fool on this television show? I mean, I was a policeman in my dreams, and worked in a crime lab, but I didn't finish graduate school. I don't recall any profiling experience in my dreams. And even if I did, well. They're still dreams.

It just seems ridiculous. ( tw: discussion of criminology and murder/postmortem gore ) Overkill requires personalization and deep rage - how can someone have that deep a rage against someone they've just met?

Maybe I should just stop watching true crime shows.

(ooc: trigger warning: discussion of violence & sexual assault in comments)

It is an odd mood I am in tonight. Thinking on magic and on travel, on dreams and on beaches and fields.

( Cut for possible triggery conversation mentioning death. )

I'm happy to announce that my new show surpassed the expected ratings...it's about God, not ratings, but it's still a good thing. Much of the credit goes to the wonderful Caprica Black, for presenting such a wonderful opportunity.

( trigger warning for homophobia, prejudice )

( ((so not safe for work. This is a booty call. I shit you not)) )

Beth was right about Tate. She was right about everything.

( Cass. )

Hello there network. I come to you with yet another request but this one actually doesn't involve you adopting anything or dealing with kittens in any way, shape or form. Unless you wanted them , I mean.

This request involves posing a question and getting your answers based on how you would respond to the situation.

( fire and arrests of a sort. Oh and psych wards )

It seems I have returned to this strange place I am beginning to slowly understand as my body remembers it, but not my mind, and I can accomplish tasks by memory more than by an understanding of their workings. While I am here, there is much to do, to improve on the works that the man I am in this lifetime has written, to ensure that Les Amis are well enough and do not have need of those things I cannot give them, but this time I find that I cannot.
( vague mentions of death and 1832jolras doing what he does best This would also be in french so...yeah. )
Is railing at the unfairness of life considered childish when I have no recourse for it? Yes, perhaps. But I know not what else I might do now.

Can we go back to last week? That would be great.

( TW: for news of a minor disney explosion and Gabe extrapolation )