Network

Wanted: someone to rub Neosporin on my back. Itchy. :(

So I discovered who switched out the coffee with decaf those weeks ago. Summer interns.

Note to self: never again ask for a summer intern.

So, has anyone ever Googled themselves and found something embarrassing on the internet?

(I don't mean porn. Though that would be pretty embarrassing.)

Because I definitely just found this from my "Finally Chuck Got A Real Job" party. And they thought they could keep this from me.

Just a question for everyone, how common is it that things from your dreams show up in real life? Because I'm pretty sure that just happened.

And my dreams have taken a pretty unexpected turn. Well, I guess unexpected for me, cause I'm pretty sure some of you already know what happened.

What am I gonna do with this shield, anyway?

So, I guess this is like, some sort of OC secret club or something? Awesome.

I'm Chuck. Charles, actually, but people just call me Chuck so, that's good. Just moved here from the Hollywood area, getting ready to start a job at Stark Industries which never ceases to make me squeal like a little girl. A little about me: I'm 27, I'm a huge geek, love Chinese food, sort of a big computer nerd, allergic to cats and very hairy dogs. On that note, where's the best Chinese place around here? Kind of a big deal.

And now that I've successfully made myself sound like a massive loser, I think I'll just wrap this up.

I kind of miss going back to school time. I still get myself new pens and pencils and notebooks and this year, I got myself a freakin' steampunk iPhone dock. Yeah. That's a real thing, and the UPS person is going to bring it to me.

SO FRIGGIN' EXCITED.

It's almost enough to make me wish I could enroll in a Ph.D program!

OH MY GOD

MY CAR

MY CAR FROM THE DREAMS

I woke up this morning and Esther, she's here!

Alright, two things:

1. I'd like to talk to whoever the hell is in charge of naming monsters. This crap is getting out of hand. I mean how the hell is anyone supposed to take something called a friggen Rugaru seriously? Sounds straight out of Scooby Doo. Related to that (so thing 1a, I guess?) I feel like I should start taking some kind of tally about the number of times something tries to eat me or Sammy in these dreams.

2. Welcome home, baby.

Truly, I am a real mad scientist now. I have a giant chair. And I'm not talking big, I'm talking HUGE. This chair, is big enough to have it's own freaking zip code, and it is taking up space in my bedroom that I did not know existed.

No. I did not buy the chair.

Thank you dreams, I wasn't sure I could do without obscenely sized furniture.

If you die in your dreams, do you think you'll die here?

I'm so going to the convention in costume. If I can decide who I want to go as.

More dreams last night. When they start, they don't stop, do they?

There was a man who could make ... fire. Like, spurts of green fire. In my house. Burned my couch.

( Only kiss her if she chews gum. )

There is a very sweet but wholly not-my-fiance lady in my fiance's body. Because of this, I've not had sex in six days.

It's bloody well starting to get to me.

Hey Valarnet, didja miss me?

You didn't even notice I was gone, did you? Thanks. No, really that means a lot.

I guess I got a few things to say here about what I've been up to in my absence.

Some of it I've probably already said, but I'm on quite a bit of valium right now so everything is comfy cozy and you'll have to bear with me.

• Got my ass married.
  
• Surprise.
  
• Quit drinking (I know I talked about that. I remember talking about that. Right? Right.)
  
• Had a seizure and ended up in the hospital under observation for a week while I detoxed.
  
• A certain angel of mine needs a medal of friggen' honor for not only going out and buying every single pokémon game while, in my even more drugged up stupor, I said I wanted to play pokémon (actually what I think I said was choose you Casicuno and I'M NOT ANY GOOD AT MARIO KART RIGHT NOW MY THUMBS DON'T WORK YOSHI GET IN THE DAMN BALL) and then bought another system so that he could play with me and I'm pretty sure thought about getting a friggen gameboy color just in case.
  
• He also gets medals for, I think, only leaving my room twice the whole friggen week and managing to combine his endearing, earnest powers with my giant fits of not being a very good person to be around to get me a single room after day one. Like, I'm 90% sure he used my hospital pretend shower thing and every time I woke up he was there and only once did he smuggle in pie for me. It was pie and pokémon. That was all he left for. That's how you know you have a keeper.
  
• Possibly no longer have a job because of being kind of unfit to work? I'm not sure. I really need to call and check on that.
  

And I'm back in my own bed now. Earlier was spent watching Shark Week on the good TV (instead of the hospital one, which true to his word, Cas reminded me of,) and now I'm just sort of staring at the laptop filling space when really I should be making out with my husband since I'm not all hooked up to IVs and the bed is a whole decent size and I can roll over.

Never take rolling over for granted.

Never.

Rolling over is amazing.

Cas is here.

Have I mentioned that I love Cas? Because I love Cas.

Oh, and that beautiful, wonderful bastard took my name. True friggen' love right there. Didn't even know he was going to do that until he'd already filled out the paperwork.

SAMMY! SAMMY! MEET MY HUSBAND! HE'S GORGEOUS AND MINE AND AMAZING AT THINGS LIKE BEING MINE. all mine.

Crap.

I need to stop typing. I'm going to go pass out on Cas now. Get him all in my arms and not let him go because I can. It's going to be the most painfully adorable thing you've never seen. Unless you're in our room. In which case, I'm gonna have to ask first why you're in our room and second, for you to leave. This is our room. There's another bed down the hall. Creeper.

( Locked from non-puncturable Who people )

( Cut for mentions of alcohol abuse and attempted recovery. Also swearing. )

I guess the one good thing about getting in to LAX at seven in the morning is breakfast at Canele. I should be dead tired and on my way to bed but my body's still on Australia time and thinks it's two in the afternoon. Anyone got any good cat gifs?

Oooooh, I'm all excited. I got my tickets and all my stuff ready for DragonCon in September, and I have the perfect cosplay idea. I've done so many comic characters ... this time I'm going full vamp. Pardon the pun. I'm doing Mina Harker from Dracula.

Who wants to recommend a good corset place?

Just...thought I should put it out there that "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," is possibly the most effective pick up line slash aphrodisiac ever.

Sign number 192 you've played too much Animal Crossing:

A bug crawls across your perfect, pristine workspace, and instead of screaming or trying to capture it to release it outside into its natural habitat, I wondered how many bells it would bring in.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

Hello! My name's Michael, and I will be working here! Not here, on this network, you know but in Irvine, CA, which is pretty cool, gotta say! You guys heard of Tony Stark? Yeah, he hired me.

Well, not him. Some jerkface in HR, but still. Pretty good, huh? Yeah. Looking forward to it, I
really am.

That's what she said.

When I get back from my weekend away, I'm totally going to wine and dine the hell out of you, Pen.

Seriously, I'm even going to break out the suit. It'll be both fancy and schmancy.

And then dancing.

Anyone got any recommendations for that kind of thing? Possibly something with a velvet rope. And valet parking. Not that I'm gonna let any punk valet kid touch my car, but the option should be there. Gotta treat my best girl right.

Never Google your famous friends, cats and kittens, or you might end up finding their truly Corbin Fisher worthy old headshots.

Bast? Tell me you were like, eighteen, please.

Basically my favorite thing not centered around world domination.

Discuss.

( Cut for image. )

Woke up this morning and uh...this was burned onto my arm. Weirdest damn thing. Aren't these dreams everyone keeps talking about supposed to start before you end up with scars that weren't there the night before?

Anyway, I got no idea what this is, what it means where it came from or anything. It's just there. It doesn't hurt. Seems to be fully healed. Buddy of mine at the shop snapped a picture of it while I was just checking to make sure. That explains the face. And why you can see both my hands. It's a really friggen hard angle to try to take a picture of yourself, man.

Does anyone with experience with these friggen dream things happen to know if there's a pattern or something? Any way to get some friggen context for what's going on on my arm here?

A blog is supposed to be where you write down the crap that happens right?

• Apparently the zombie apocalypse happened and hard as I tried not to, I missed it. I'm still not sure if this is some kind of elaborate prank or actually real and there's a government cover up going on.
  
• Drank too much just thinking about it.
  
• Wisely did not grab weaponry I may or may not own, and join in the fight.
  
• Lunch with my brother Thursday. First time in...hell, ten years or so that we've actually seen each other. Probably longer. Really friggen nervous about it. Not gonna lie.
  
• Date on Wednesday. Less nervous about that than I am about my brother, but at this point I'd be less nervous about getting deployed again than whatever Thursday is gonna bring.
  
• Bought more alcohol.
  
• Considered buying a TV. Decided against it.
  

That sufficient or you kids want more out of me? Also, how the hell do you go about dating anymore? Picking up people at the bar, sure, I get it. Easy. An actual date? Yeah, no idea. Can't remember.

KItty and a TARDIS cookie jar. I kind of want both of them and dear god I am sick of being stuck at work.

Who's up for playing drunk I Never over Skype?

You know, I get it. I do. Fireworks are pretty. And hey, CA, most of them are legal. Fine, take the wife, take the kids have a good ol' time with your barbeque and beer.

Just one tiny request, because I'm almost out of Xanax, can we maybe not have all these sparkly booms in the sky going on until dawn's early light this year? It hasn't even been that long and I might already jump out of my damn skin.

This is, without a doubt, the stupidest holiday "tradition" yet, and for a holiday that technically isn't.

Do you realize that the declaration of independence was actually signed on July 2nd? And that blowing things up does not, in fact, mean anything other than annoying the shit out of your neighbors, terrifying animals and small children and just...

Have your picnics, your reminders of why being American is important to you, your celebration of that fact. Those things are far different. Those things are important and if the way we choose to celebrating is picnicking and barbecues and remembering, then go ahead and do it. It's not the holiday itself that I object to, really.

But why, GOD why, do we have to bring the firework mess into all this? You know that some of us are working, right?

T minus 3 days until the 4th wedding attempt. Wish us luck.

Everyone knows the dice are loaded.

Everyone rolls with their fingers crossed.

I found the blasted mug.

One of those things had it, but that's dealt with. I require new employment. Soon.

Who.

Stole.

My.

TARDIS.

Mug?

I will find you and I will take every square inch of its gorgeous blue panels out of your pasty techie hide, my dear, oh yes. It was on my desk twenty minutes ago and now it's gone. AND it was filled with coffee!

I won't bow down to ransom demands, nor will I sleep until it's home with me where it belongs.

Move to California, they said.

It'll be good for your career, they said.

It's absolutely not zombie infested, they said.

You know you've got to start looking at calendars and remembering what day it is more often when you realize you missed your own birthday by a week. Yikes.

And when I say you, I guess I really mean me.

I've heard this is the place to introduce ourselves, so here goes. I'm Ariadne Cooper, new architect at Stark Industries. I just moved to California from Paris, so needless to say this is kind of culture shock.

It's nice to meet you all though! Er, so to speak.

I hate American reporters. And American pisswater beer.

I feel as though I have to write a defense of myself now, because that Skeeter bitch seems to think that wanting to settle down a bit is tantamount to wanting a slave woman. Which I don't, for the record.

If anyone's bloody curious, my girlfriend dumped me, for reasons I'd like to be my own damned business. And on top of that, last night I dreamt as though I voluntarily became some kind of monk. Or at least signed up to be a novice before taking vows to be a monk. I wonder if the dreams aren't telling me what to do.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, ALL!

( Cut for Image )

Dear Police and Paramedic Types:

If a gunshot victim is in fact still breathing? Like, noticeably? The proper place for him is not here at the Sheriff's Department autopsy room. No matter how dead you "think he's gonna be". People clinging to life do usually go to the nearest emergency room. Not to the medical examiner.

Don't be this certain EMT team from Huntington Beach, people. I have enough murders on my plate without any appetizers.

Someone once told me it's creepy to lurk here but never post, so in the interest of not being a "troll"...here goes.

Hi, I'm Ben. I'm a taxi driver. I spend my free time volunteering at the community center, and looking after my foster-family. I'm really very boring.

All work and no play makes Penelope a something something. Anyone want to go out for drinks tonight? Figured a lot of people on here could use a night to relax and recharge, so let's all go out and have a couple of drinks and do some dancing and pretend that our lives aren't busy and awful.

Well, hello there, everyone.

Ever find out you have really great news? But you have no one to tell it too. Makes you realize you spend far too much time locked up in a lab with no social life to speak of, that being said I never did have a social life to speak of prior, so there's that.

Wow, this full time job stuff is sort of amazing, isn't it?

I can't believe how much fun I've had already. And I don't even have to get up early in the morning! I've met so many people already and the stuff we're researchin' here is... Well, it's classified, but there's researching happening and it's really brilliant.

I might have had too much coffee tonight.

Anyway, hello! I've just got off work myself and thought I might finally register in on this 'net' thingamajig. I hear you can meet all kinds of people on this thing.

Hello. My name is Irene Adler. Doctor, but I'm not picky unless I'm actually on the job.

I just got invited to this network. Born and raised in Jersey, though apparently I don't sound like it too much. I am your friendly neighborhood deputy medical examiner for the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

When I'm not working, I like to cosplay and would actually like to look into historical geekery, too. I was a re-enactor back east, and had a lot of fun with the New Jersey Militia. Ask me how I pulled all my hair under a soldier's cap! I would like to do something like that out here, if it exists. It was fun.

I'd like to think I'm approachable when I'm not elbows deep in a Y-incision, though I'm told I do have the usual cop's diseased sense of humor. Approach at your own risk, I guess.

Been absolutely mercilessly mocked at work for the shocking amount of hickies that wound up above collar level.

Does anyone know of a really fantastic concealer?

The next wedding is in a week and a half on June 15th. Invitations went out a week or so ago so everyone should have already received their invitations. This Saturday is the last day to RSVP. We need to know how many people are coming so we can get the rooms aboard the cruise ship allotted to everyone.

Believe me when I say Tony and I will completely understand if people who have attending the last couple of weddings don't want to attend this one. There will be no hard feelings if you turn down the invitations, but we thought we would give a big wedding one last go.

Does internet dating actually work?

I need to stop standing still. And I really have to stop finding certain kinds of men desirable. Any idea how to change that too?

Up late, as always. Can't even be bothered to try to sleep for once. I'd like to put on a new record I've recently acquired, but Rufus is still recovering from all the finals and I'd hate to wake him (even with something as charming as Dorati conducting).

Might take the dog for a midnight stroll. Or watch a film.

Any fantastic old movies that anyone out there recommends?