Network

I know I shouldn't really be surprised anymore but when things have been quiet for a while I completely forget how strange this county can be.

I saw the strangest group of people walking through the town this morning. They seemed nice and nobody bothered them. But I can't help wondering if this is leading to something a little less...calm.

My mum has gone prom bonkers. Seriously.

We didn't really have the same thing back home, so she's apparently had a hotel room booked for months - for the whole weekend, bought me bloody lingerie (I was unaware they made pants that cost seventy-five dollars, why?), and we've tried on roughly a hundred dresses.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that until she bought me said panties, I wasn't really planning on going. I mean, I thought I might, but it wasn't solid. Damian, I hope you don't mind.

Goddamn, it's gettin' hot. Makin' me want a snowball.

And by snowball I do mean a shaved ice treat that gets sold in the summer in New Orleans. Not ... the other thing. The definition that hommes who sleep with hommes know about. The dirty thing.

I need a damn drink. No, I don't care if it's only 10am. Judge me all you want. I surely didn't miss this dreaming thing. What is the sense of surviving the slaughter house once if they're just going to toss you back in it? The stupid odds are never in your favor.

Yeah, going to get that drink now.

THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN! Or the dreamland thing, not sure which is correct but yes... It doesn't matter.

I HAVE MY BROOMSTICK! THIS MEANS FLYING AND QUIDDITCH ARE POSSIBLE!

Now the rest of the people sharing dreams with me should hurry up and get theirs so we can have something resembling of a game.

A topic for discussion, and something that I'm posting about on my blog when my own thoughts about it are a bit more settled. Until I whip this out at my typical audience, I'd like to talk about it here, with people who I think understand a bit more of the specifics of my situation. So. Valarnet. Forgiveness.

Particularly when you have to direct that forgiveness toward yourself, for some of the things you've done in your dreams. I was particularly cruel to a valued friend there, and I regret the sharp words I've turned on him, and the way I let some of that spill over into this world. I've since apologized to him, and sent a note asking about reparations, explaining my feelings on this, and on another action that I took, due to the dreams, the one I asked about a few weeks ago, and I am fairly sure that he will forgive me. He's a friend, and one of my brothers, and we care for each other as brothers would, I am fairly sure.

The trouble comes then, in forgiving myself, mostly for the way that I behaved towards him in that past life. I cannot forgive myself for other mistakes I have made as well, in regard to those things I mentioned before that hurt and dishonored my friends, but I am working on that slowly. The issue of forgiving myself for something that I remember doing, that *I* did not actually do in this life instead of in the one I left behind me is confusing.

How DO I find that path to forgiving myself when I did nothing consciously wrong and apologies have been issued. Is there some way to find acceptance of my mistakes and to feel better about my chances of not making them in future? Has anyone here had to face similar? Perhaps we could discuss this?

As the dreams persist, I am seeking meaning. Understanding.

Answers.

There is no rhyme to the plan, yet I follow it.

I was Father's soldier. But what else might I have been if I was not?

Anyone who wears sneakers with a suit deserves to get soaked in the rain. Just saying.

Back to work.