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Oh, to be woken late by mournful howls. I'm lucky I've no close neighbours or I'm sure I'd have had death threats by now.

Sister used my keys for something, then locked me out. Fantastic. It's late and I can't find a stupid locksmith.

FML. Actually FTD. Fuck this door. Should I smash a window? Except then it would just be open and that would be bad.

Yesterday a nice man rescued me from drowning, but I forgot to ask his name.

How you doin'?

Alice? Can I stay a little longer?

England may have a keeper now but they still can't win penalty shoot-outs.

Evviva! Semi-final against Germany!

[Nearly 36 hours after he's been released from the hospital, Lucas wakes up from his semi-coma in time to catch the final thirty minutes of the England vs Italy match.]

What the fuck was that? Just because Chelsea won the Champions League it doesn't mean that all of a sudden England can win penalty shoot-outs.