( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

And just as I was getting used to them, the boobs and other lady parts are gone. Though I missed my man parts dearly.

Pretty sure I'm definitely not supposed to have lady parts. Not that there's anything wrong with lady parts. I'm just not supposed to have them. I like having my own man parts, thank you very much.

But damn I make a really hot chick.

Mommy? Daddy? Jake? Anybody?

I woke up in woods I don't know and I don't think this is Forks and I really need to find my familie family. Can somebody help me, please?

My husband was singing the most ridiculous song this morning. At first I thought he was just messing around, but apparently not, because then Jasper started singing too and Jasper doesn't sing. So, not only is body swapping a thing here, but spontaneous singing too?

So. I woke up to some redhead who's NOT my wife this morning. Which is also weird cause hello, vampire, don't even need to sleep here.

Except right now, definitely not a vampire. Not at all.

I don't appreciate being kidnapped then manhandled by tacky tin cans. Would anyone care to explain what is going on? I really don't have time for this. If we hadn't just destroyed them I'd think this was the Volturi's doing, but since that's impossible, I'd really like to know what the hell is going on!

Why not? These things are fun.

( Emmett's answers )

Okay. That kinda sucked, but was kinda fun at the same time.

I'm really going to miss beer. And bacon cheeseburgers. And chocolate. And steak. And beer.

Well. That was completely unnecessary.

[The PDA cuts on to the distant sounds of a busy street. There’s the sound of cars driving past and an occasional honk or radio with its music a little too loud. There’s laughter and chatter from others nearby on foot. A little bit of shuffling of fabric indicates the PDA isn’t being held but its still able to pick up on a feminine voice; she sounds closer than all the other sounds thus far. She also sounds like she’s smiling and is clearly in a good mood.]

Well, at least we’ll save some money on food for however long this lasts. I’ve never seen you get full so fast in my entire life! Are you sure you’re not just holding out for half the concession stand when we get to the theater? [a pause; her tone turns slightly teasing] Because the guy running the place told us the last time we were there that we couldn’t buy that much popcorn or we were risking a riot...

[Jacob’s voice picks up, a little louder since the PDA is question is currently in his pocket. He laughs, clearly amused with Nessie] Hey, it’s not like we stole the popcorn. You would think that he’d be happy that we bought so much. And do you see those huge bags they have? He just made it sound like they’d run out, but they won’t. And trust me, I definitely wasn’t pretending to be full. You’d think that since I was more or less human for sixteen years that this wouldn’t be weird, but oddly enough, it is.

[There’s a little bit of shuffling then Nessie giggles.] Jake, the bags are to make sure hundreds, if not thousands, can get large buckets of delicious, buttery popcorn. Not for one couple to go through. [She pauses then laughs lightly.]

Okay, so two good things about this whole being completely human for a while thing. One, we save money on food. Two, we stop getting threats of being kicked out of places. See! Perks!

[There’s the sound of someone slamming on their brakes in the distance, followed by a car honking a few times then a screeching of tires. A car door slams and men can be heard arguing, their words muffled in the PDA but clearly angry. Nessie sounds slightly distracted when she speaks.]

Wow. We almost saw a wreck, there! And this is why I definitely think we need to stick to walking, at least until we aren’t so... able to break bones in a wreck. [a pause] So! We still haven’t picked the movie. What are you in the mood for? Action or comedy? Because there’s a good one of each playing, from what I read in the paper today.

Ya know, the manager of the theater in Forks never complained when I bought five bags of popcorn when I’d take you to the movies. I mean sure, when Bella and Emmett came with us then it didn’t look like it was all for me, but still. [As the car screeches to a halt and the two men start arguing, Jacob instinctively pulls Nessie a little closer to him] And I’m pretty sure that if we go to that buffet again within the next six months we’ll be banned for life.

[The arguing from the two men gets a little louder as they get closer, Jacob’s arm wrapped protectively around Nessie’s shoulders] Hey, if Bella can wipeout on a motorbike and not break anything then I think we’d be alright in a car. I mean, I obey the rules of the road. I don’t try to beat the lights like that bozo over there. And I’m leaning more towards comedy tonight. There’s been far too much drama going on lately.

[Nessie’s voice is closer to the PDA now due to Jake’s arm around her shoulders. She doesn’t sound too concerned with the men who are arguing.] Comedy definitely works for me. And I’m not worried about you trying to beat the lights. I’m worried about someone else trying to beat the lights and me winding up going through a windshield. [a pause then she adds pointedly] When glass and pavement would actually hurt me. Which doesn’t sound fun at all. [another pause; the rustling of fabric is heard as she presses against him a bit and there’s the sound of her kissing him lightly]

Besides, the weather’s nice and walking is good for us. [There’s a sudden shout from one of the men in the background then a loud gunshot sounds, followed by two more gunshots in rapid succession. There’s a sharp intake of breath and then Nessie gasps.]

Jake...

[There’s loud wheezing, closer than the screams of passerbys in the background and faint sirens, drawing closer. Nessie sounds confused when she speaks. It’s obvious the wheezing is coming from her. Her voice is small and not at all the way it normally sounds.]

I-I don’t... there’s blood on your- [She grunts as she collapses, mid-sentence.]

That’s what seat belts are for, Nessie. They prevent you from going through the windshield. [Jacob watches the men as they begin to pass them, but is distracted when Nessie kisses him and doesn’t notice the gun until it’s too late]</small>

Nessie! [There’s a rustling as Jacob catches Nessie and cradles her in his arms, his voice breaking when he speaks] N..Nessie...look at me. Nessie! Shit! No, no, no...come on, Nessie. [He looks around frantically] What are you staring at?! Get some fucking help!

[The wheezing becomes louder and more sporadic; there’s a soft gurgle, then Nessie manages to speak in a barely audible rasping voice.]

J-Jake. I- [She gasps then exhales loudly; the wheezing stops and doesn’t start again.]

[The sirens get closer and passersby are heard talking in the background] Nessie, wake up! Please don’t.... [Jacob is clearly panicking as he shakes Nessie and cradles her to him] NESSIE! [The sirens are louder now as police cars and an ambulance arrive on the scene. Some rustling is heard as Jacob carefully lays Nessie down on the sidewalk and kisses her forehead. When he speaks again his voice is full of rage as he turns towards the man who had pulled the gun, who is now being handcuffed] YOU!! SHE’S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!

Tags: alice whitlock, emily young, emmett cullen, jacob black, jane, nikola tesla, renesmee cullen

Ow, ow, ow.

I had about ten or forty beers last night...and I woke up this morning and my is killing me.

Moving hurts right now. I feel like my brain is going to explode.

Does this kinda suck? Yes.

The upside...bacon cheeseburgers, pizza, chocolate, ice cream, potato chips, candy, coffee, and BEER. My stomach hates me right now, but I am a happy man.

I think I may have eaten too much last night. I also don't think Alice, Emmett and I are allowed back at that particular diner.

This is really, really weird.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if perhaps my brother suffered some sort of head injury when he was human. Emmett is enjoying this far too much.

Good evening,

My name is Edward Cullen. I'm a vampire and I have a somewhat strange question for you that I hope you will be able to answer.

My fianacé, Bella, is human and we plan to become intimate once we are married. However, we wish to discuss forms of contraception with you. Bella would like to take the birth control pill if it is available here in Colligo and I would like to use condoms. My concern is that I do not think that condoms will work as they will likely break. I was hoping that you would have an alternate solution or other suggestions.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Edward.

Where....where am I?

[There are sounds of a struggle as the guards pull Bree out of the library.

Hey! Get your hands off of me! Where are you taking me?!

[The guards do not answer and there is the sound of a slamming door. Bree bangs on the door repeatedly.]

Hey! Let me back in?! Who are you?! Where am I?!!!

[The knocking stops and the silence is filled with Bree's heavy breathing, a human trait she hasn't lost.]

Is this Hell? Is this where vampires go when they die?

Jasper, Alice, before you say anything, I had nothing to do with the chipmunks currently doing our laundry. I just walked in, and there they were, folding to their tiny little hearts content.

Also, our coffee pot is cranky.

So while the cuddly forest animals are cleaning my apartment, I'll just do this. Everyone else already has. And I'm bored.
( Why the heck not? )

( There's the sound of a scuffle, then Jane speaks. Her childlike voice is high and thin, with a sharp indignant quality. )

Unhand me! ( a pause and more scuffling ) I said unhand me!

( an enraged shriek, then the sound of crashing metal )

Stupid creatures. You should have listened.

( Jane finally seems to notice her surroundings, and when she speaks again she sound quiet and confused. She clearly doesn't know her PDA is on. )

What is this place? Aro will be most displeased.

( Why not? )

Since others have done it, I figured I would as well

( My Answers )

Is there someone in Colligo who can officiate wedding ceremonies?

[Filtered to Alice Cullen]

Even though Bella and I apparently got married back home in the not so distant future, I would still like us to marry here and actually be in attendance at my own wedding ceremony. How do you feel about planning another wedding?

Would someone mind filling me in on why I just woke up in some strange apartment with Emmett? It's not like either of us could get drunk and black out, so what's going on?