( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

Ugh. The last time I was this clumsy, I was human. So far I've tripped over just about everything in our apartment, broken a lamp, and my closet door.

It's like something's out to get me, or something.

Mommy? Daddy? Jake? Anybody?

I woke up in woods I don't know and I don't think this is Forks and I really need to find my familie family. Can somebody help me, please?

....Alice is gone. I went to text her this morning and the message got sent back.

Emmett told me she got sent home.

Up for a hunt tonight?

Hopefully we don't break out into song while we hunt......

My husband was singing the most ridiculous song this morning. At first I thought he was just messing around, but apparently not, because then Jasper started singing too and Jasper doesn't sing. So, not only is body swapping a thing here, but spontaneous singing too?

I don't appreciate being kidnapped then manhandled by tacky tin cans. Would anyone care to explain what is going on? I really don't have time for this. If we hadn't just destroyed them I'd think this was the Volturi's doing, but since that's impossible, I'd really like to know what the hell is going on!

Those guards weren't very helpful at all. Also, I really didn't appreciate getting tossed out on my read end when I was only trying to ask what the hell is going on here.

So I'll ask again. What the hell is going on? I'm really not keen on getting separated from my husband, my daughter, and the rest of my family like this.

I have a kid.

Well, me and Jade have a kid. She did most of the work, really.

Anyway, Lucas Jesus Skywalker (no, I'm not joking), was born at about ten last night. I've just had more important things to do than post about it.

Again, congratulations and trinkets are welcome.

( Sam and Ruby )
So. Godparents?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if perhaps my brother suffered some sort of head injury when he was human. Emmett is enjoying this far too much.

Good evening,

My name is Edward Cullen. I'm a vampire and I have a somewhat strange question for you that I hope you will be able to answer.

My fianacé, Bella, is human and we plan to become intimate once we are married. However, we wish to discuss forms of contraception with you. Bella would like to take the birth control pill if it is available here in Colligo and I would like to use condoms. My concern is that I do not think that condoms will work as they will likely break. I was hoping that you would have an alternate solution or other suggestions.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Edward.

So...

I tried to head to class, but when I opened the door to leave the hallway a huge boulder started chasing after me. Somehow I managed to stumble against the elevator doors just in time... well until they opened and I fell into the shaft. Luckily my foot got tangled in the rope, but now Edward has deemed me a walking hazard and will not allow me to leave my bedroom.

I'm not even allowed to go into the bathroom unless he checks it first. Who knew there would be poisonous darts shooting out of the medicine cabinet when I was just trying to retrieve my toothbrush. And the whirlpool tub... well, let's just say it lives up to its name now.

I'm glad Edward and I made up, but this place is NOT safe for someone as clumsy as me.

Dear Edward Cullen,

You have a soul. You have a really, really goody two-shoes soul. In fact, if I made a list of people who didn't have a soul in this city, I'd have to include 'not Edward Cullen' to stress just how much you have one.

:D Just figured you might want to know. Lulz.

XOXO
Gabriel

PS - Dear Everyone Else, Admire my self-restraint that it took me this long to troll a Cullen. Admire it.

What the hell is going on?

My calculus book bit me after I dropped it!

I didn't mean to, but my shoes tripped me when they tied themselves together for fear of being separated. As if I wasn't clumsy enough on my own

And now, my PDA is stalking me. I've tried throwing it away, breaking it, dropping it in water and now it's saying if it can't have me no one else can!

Why do I get all the weird ones?

( There's the sound of a scuffle, then Jane speaks. Her childlike voice is high and thin, with a sharp indignant quality. )

Unhand me! ( a pause and more scuffling ) I said unhand me!

( an enraged shriek, then the sound of crashing metal )

Stupid creatures. You should have listened.

( Jane finally seems to notice her surroundings, and when she speaks again she sound quiet and confused. She clearly doesn't know her PDA is on. )

What is this place? Aro will be most displeased.

( Why not? )

Is there someone in Colligo who can officiate wedding ceremonies?

[Filtered to Alice Cullen]

Even though Bella and I apparently got married back home in the not so distant future, I would still like us to marry here and actually be in attendance at my own wedding ceremony. How do you feel about planning another wedding?

This seriously needs to end. Now. Not that Bella isn't the most accident prone person ever in the history of time great and all, but I want to be alone with my husband.

( Filtered to Edward Cullen )

Would someone mind filling me in on why I just woke up in some strange apartment with Emmett? It's not like either of us could get drunk and black out, so what's going on?

Ianto has really given me a lot to think about, and I've decided to open up a dance studio.

I want to work, because I've always gone to school but never really had a job before, and I love dancing. I'd rather have my own place, and those sparkly things from the tree should help afford a small place. Besides, there's no place in the city that quite suits what I want to do.

I feel really good about this, and if anyone wants to come take lessons once I have a place set up, I would love to have students.

Thank you, Ianto, for getting me to think about this.

As if things weren't tense enough between Edward and I because of the whole Jacob thing...

But now this is just ridiculous!

We went to try and find something to eat and the next thing I know, Edward is kissing someone else?!?!

I guess I really shouldn't talk, since I also kissed someone at midnight. But I can't help but wonder if Edward truly has a thing for blondes... since the girl he kissed looks so much like Rosalie and of course, is a vampire.

I know, I know.. I'm such a hypocrit. But I can't help but wonder why Edward would ever want to be with silly, clumsy human me?

My partner for this weird thing sparkles more than the accessories I was wearing last night.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I'm hoping that someone could help me. I was just escorted out of a library and I have found myself in this strange place. Could someone be kind of enough to tell me where I am and more importantly, how do I leave?

Also, has anyone seen or heard from a Bella Swan? It is very important that I know that she's safe.

Thank you.

Oh, and one more thing....what are these tiny monsters running around?