( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

Now, that was a situation that I will remember for a long time to come even if I feel like I'll be paying for it just as long. But every bruise will be a sweet, sweet reminder.

You're welcome to come over whenever you want, Cordelia. I don't mind the post happy ending violence. Prefer it, actually.

I suppose there's something to be said for waking up in bed with a strange man that you've never met until this morning, with a wedding ring on your finger.

The intense pain when I tried to leave the apartment, however, was unexpected, though it seemed to go away once I returned.

I just hope this isn't permanent. I'm not really the marrying type.

Okay, I'm normally not the sort of girl who goes all public with her problems, especially when it concerns my visions. But I just had something happen that's never happened before, and I'm hoping maybe someone out there knows why.

So. Anybody ever heard of someone having a vision then promptly forgetting the entire freaking thing? Because yeah, that just happened. To me. And things like that do not happen to me.

Oh! And feel free to ignore this, if you want, but I'm warning you all right now. If I can't figure out what I saw, I'm pretty sure it's going to mean bad news for everyone when it finally comes to pass. Just saying.

[ooc: takes place immediately after this.]

Hey Freeman! Stop jerking me around! Either I'm alive, and here, or I'm dead, back home. Make up your frigging mind already!

With that being said, I'm definitely glad to be back. Being dead kind of sucks. A lot.

So! Come on, people. Front and center. Who missed me?

At the risk of getting lynched Screw it

I can't be the only person in this city who doesn't like the snow and all of the fake holiday cheer that clogs up the place this time of year. Right? Or maybe I am the only one. Which would be typical, really.

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I like my solitude and privacy as much as the next socially awkward outcast loner, but this place blows in the entertainment department. So at the risk of the universe exploding, I'm going to ask anyway.

Anybody want to go do something? Hang out or... something? Coffee. Food. Hell, I'll even settle for going to an overpriced, sticky-floored movie theater at this point.

I was wondering if someone could help me. I got separated from my group and I've been wandering around, trying to find them for the last few months. Does anyone know Rick Grimes or Maggie Greene? I need to find them and make sure they're okay.

Was anyone else dead before this?

So, question time.

1) Did anyone else lose limbs in this fun little experiment? Just wondering. Really not sure if this is whoever got us all here, or Stark got a little science happy.

2) What the actual fuck? Maybe that should have come first, but I'm kind of stuck on the I HAVE A FUCKING ROBOT HAND thing.

3) If you see that guy that looks like Snape with a leather fetish, keep away from him. He's crazy and evil and not good.

4) Who else is in the vents? I keep hearing beeping.

5) At least I have my arrows.

That's all.

Did I....was I voluntarily hanging out with The Master and looking at bugs? Did that actually just happen?

Owen, Peter, I hope neither of you were too overwhelmed at the Clinic while Asaph decided that I needed to relive my childhood.

[A little girl's voice sounds far away and scared.]

Mummy? Daddy? [Soft, tentative footsteps can be heard, the voice getting louder the closer she gets to the location of the PDA] Leo? Tish?

Where are you? This doesn't look like home.

Hello?

Oh. Oh, my! A change! Again! Again? Yes. Again. Not the first and certainly not the last, so again it is. And now I shall post a greeting.

Hello, Doctor!

I've waited a very long time to say that, you know. Or, rather, I will. Have. One of those. But yes. Hello!

Cordelia's things are gone. Her name is no longer on the plaque near the door, and all of the furniture has been returned to the other bed many of the marks she left on this apartment have been removed. It's like she was never even here.

I just thought you lot that knew her would like to know. I'm pretty sure you can still see me.

</s>I didn't even get to say goodbye.</s>

The hell? (A short pause.) Oh, not again. (Shuffling around.) Sweetie, hey Zo are you here? Zoe?

(An unamused laugh.) Seriously? The people last time were better dressed. Hey, no back off and tell me where she is. (Groaning and grunting as she struggled in the arms of the library guards.) Get off! Get off of me! Zoe?!

Fine, fine! (The sound of the library doors shutting. Sighing heavily.) Now where the hell am I?

I have to say, it certainly makes it interesting, trying to treat patients and having them yelp whenever you and invisible staff members #1 and #2 have near misses in colliding with one other as far as their vision is concerned. And by interesting, I mean irritating.

Anyone not a part of Torchwood, or an individual who's shacked up with the Doctor interested in taking on some temporary nursing duties so that I'm not just on my own with Petrelli here?

Not that there's anything wrong with you, Pete. Promise. You're a doll. You're a flower. You're just not someone I can boss around.

[As the PDA comes on there's the sound of a light being switched on and a gasp. It is slightly muffled from being in Martha's pocket.]

What is going on? This is certainly not Royal Hope.

[There's the sound of shuffling papers before a chair being pushed back] This isn't right. These are all in my handwriting, but I never wrote these.

[Pause then another gasp]

Dr. Smith-Jones? What the bloody...that's definitely not right.


[Martha has fallen asleep in her office and has awoken as AU!Martha aka Never met The Doctor!Martha]

The snow needs to go away, like, yesterday. It's cold and gross and I, for one, am sick of having to put on multiple layers of clothing just to leave the freaking apartment.

Seriously, Morgan Freeman, enough with the white crap. Bring back summer already.

What. The. Fuck.

Huh. Well that was easy.

I don't know why people always complain that finding a job is hard. I managed just fine. Just went looking and found one.

Well...I guess the doctorate helps a little.

That's right. I've got a job! And a real, honest to goodness, on the level job to boot! Figured I oughta do something, otherwise I'm just gonna get bored. And then the freaking capes'll get their panties in a twist.

I'm real excited.

ATTENTION PEOPLE OF COLLIGO!

It is with great pleasure, and virtually no research on the matter because we are awesome like that, that Steph and I would like to introduce you to our mascot/sidekick/best pet ever.



His name is Abu, he likes baths, and if any of you try to claim he's not adorable I will kick you in the face. Or scowl. Whichever is easier.

[ There’s the sound of a television on in the background, a soccer game play by play filtering through the PDA despite the voices that are overlapping over it. ]

This is Manchester United versus West Ham! This is quality entertainment. And you want to watch... What? The pretty pretty princess network or some other nonsense? I think not.

[ There’s a decidedly feminine snort. ]

Oh, please. This is not quality entertainment. This is a bunch of sweaty guys kicking around a small ball while other sweaty guys judge them for it. [ a pause ] And stop stereotyping me, you vertically challenged dork. I want to watch Casablanca, not Toddlers and Tiaras. [ another pause then, smugly ] Which, by the way, is still a better show than this crap.

Which is basically what all sports break into when you leave out allegiance and the spirit of competition! [ Owen sounds highly annoyed, even more so when he realizes she wants to watch a movie, and an ancient one at that. ] This’ll only air the once, and it’s just not the same in replays. Isn’t the incredibly-old-movies-that-we-show-until-you-get-sick-of-them channel playing that four times in the next 15 hours?

[ Cordelia is silent for a moment. That's never a good sign. When she does speak, she definitely sounds annoyed. ]

No. [ a pause and she sighs ]

Okay, fine. Yes. They're showing it a few times today. But this is the only time it's going to be shown with the little pop-ups that offer all of the trivia for what is, quite possibly, the best movie ever made.

[ another pause ]

And, technically speaking, you're probably already watching this game on a delay considering it aired somewhere that wasn't on this planet. So give me the remote already!

Nope. Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. [ Owen’s declaration of negatives gets progressively more sing-songy as he goes until he’s basically whistling his words. ] I got it, and here it’s going to staaaay. King of the remote makes me king of what we watch. So there! [ It’s pretty easy to assume that he stuck his tongue out after those last words. ]

[ Cordelia's voice comes out almost as a growl. ]

You're going to be king of the doghouse in a minute, Harper. Hand it over!

[ The last bit is punctuated with a grunt as she effectively launches herself at him in an attempt to wrestle the remote away. ]

[ There’s a slight yelp of surprised followed by a grunt of his own as Owen stretches to try and keep the remote away before realizing that that’s not really the best strategy. He doesn’t exactly have a height advantage here. Instead, he switches the remote off to his other hand and hugs it against his chest, the TV sounding the flipping of channels that comes with the buttons being pushed at random. ] No. Nope. Getoff! Cordelia! …THAT ELBOW VERY NEARLY WENT SOMEWHERE DELICATE!

Well, maybe [ a grunt ] if you weren't so freaking stubborn [ a gasp ] you wouldn't be in danger of being elbowed [ another grunt ] in places elbows should not go. [ The next bit is spoken through clenched teeth. ]

And I'm not moving until you hand. It. Over!

[ There's the beginnings of a victorious cheer from Cordelia then a loud crash and the sound of plastic snapping. For a moment, there's complete silence, then she groans softly. ]

No. [ a pause and a sigh ] Please tell me that we did not just break the remote while it's stuck on [ another pause then a slightly louder groan of dismay ] the cooking channel.

[ An equally pained groan, the next few words are muffled. ] Dear God. We’re going to have to actually get up and change it. What is this, the fifties?

[ Cordelia sighs then sucks in a sharp breath. ]

Okay, either stop talking or move your face away from my chest. That tickles. [ a grunt ] And distribute some weight already. Not that I mind you on top or anything but seriously. You aren't exactly on the light side.

[ a pause then, almost teasing rather than actually upset ] And this is totally your fault, by the way. I told you to hand over the remote but nooooo. Now we're halfway to second base and I'm missing my movie!

[ words still muffled ] But I’m comfy. [ which is complete and total bullshit since he’s shifting his weight a split second later since he’s kinda putting pressure on uncomfortable areas with the way he landed. ] And we could always round third, just to even things out. [ the words are playful, teasing, but not in the tone of someone who expects his offer to get rejected. ] It’s not like we can fall off the couch a second time.

[ There's a brief pause then Cordelia's own tone loses any semblance of mocking or hostility, even the teasing kind. ]

Well. Considering we've more than rounded third in the bed, on the couch, not to mention the table and counters, I guess the floor would be somewhere new and different. [ there's a bit of shuffling around as she tries to get more comfortable then she's clearly smirking ]

But then I get to watch my movie.

[ annoyed huff that’s not really all that annoyed. ] The things I do for you, woman. [ the sound of a kiss, slow, lingering, and passionate all at the same time, before Owen speaks again, a smirk evident in his voice. ] But you get to change the channel.

So. Any particular reason most of the network lately has been posts that look like they were written by, well, a really bad impersonation of me? I mean, seriously people. I log in after finally coming up for some air after Inventory Hell Week at the shop and I'm greeted with nothing but giant amounts of word vomit all over the place.

If you're going to drop the filter from your brain to your mouth - or fingers, I guess, whatever - you need to work up to things. You can't just go on and start typing all willy-nilly whatever comes to mind. I can, because I'm me and that's my shtick. Get your own.

Unless, of course, this is just our power-hungry not-so-benevolent kidnapper deciding to mess with us all again. In that case, ignore all of the above and I'll go make some popcorn.

Wow. We're seriously starting to get out there with the questions.

( Answers. )

Great Googly Moogly, is this really it? I mean, really and truly this time? Because I've gotta say, this ... isn't exactly what I was expecting. Big White Gates, maybe. More pearly than white, but minor details. Although this is definitely more dusty than pearly. Much less gatey and more ... creepy library. You know what, maybe I just took a wrong turn somewhere. I mean, come on, there wasn't even a welcoming committee waiting in the wings. I think I at least earned that, right?

Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore, Peter.

Just FYI, nobody is allowed to mention the last few weeks to me. Ever. And if I hear anything even remotely resembling the words adorable, precious, sweet, or darling, I will shoot you.

[ Cordelia ]
100% back to normal and moving myself off the couch.

Not that everyone here hasn't been lovely but...

Please. I need to go home. People will die if I'm not there. </s>Lisa will die.</s>

[ stunned sputtering ] This is- This- What? Tosh?

[ voice drops til where it's obvious he's only speaking to himself ] Still in one piece. Rather nice flat. All and all, it could be worse. Just breathe, Owen. Breathe. The team will find you. They will. They'll come and find you and figure out...why you have ladies' underthings hanging in your bathroom. Well, obviously not...your bathroom. Not your flat. Nice flat but not yours.

So you've randomly appeared in some lady's flat. That isn't going to seem dodgy in any way. Or be difficult to explain to the cops. You see, I was just minding my own business, officer, doing some work at the super secret government alien detection agency that I work at, when all of a sudden, I just got plopped down into the bed of this unsuspecting young lady. Nothing hinky going on here. Honest.

[ heavy exhale and nervous laughter ] Oh, I am so dead.

Buffy, Cordelia, now that everyone is in their proper skin, I just thought of a way to settle that little squabble from last week; Jello wrestling. What do you say? I'm sure Johnny Boy would join me as a referee.

So I hate to be the little witch that cries we might have a problem but, well, we've gone through something like this in Sunnydale before. The whole bursting into song thing, I mean. And, okay. So Xander isn't here, so it's probably not the exact same thing but I figure I might as well ask since it's the easiest way to make absolutely sure.

Nobody has spontaneously combusted while singing and dancing, have they? Obviously not you, as in you you, because then you would be dead and not able to respond - unless you could, in which case good for you! But I'm more talking about people in the city. The locals and stuff. No one in flames while singing about deep, dark secrets or anything. Right?

Dawned on me just now that an entire year has passed since I was yanked away from a battle, which plunged LA into a literal Hell on Earth. Honestly, considering everything that has happened this year, I don't think there is much of a difference between here and there. Course back home I was never stuck in anyone else's bloody body! I don't know about anyone else, but I think having to put up with being stuck in Cordelia's body for over twenty four hours warrants a drink. Johnny Boy, care to join me? I promise I won't snog you this time.

Okay, so instead of freaking out beyond the telling of it, I took a few seconds to read the network and realized that this isn't just happening to me. Spike, that's a plus for you because you were so getting blamed for this. Don't ask me how you could be responsible; I now have hair that glows in the dark so I don't have to be logical about anything anymore.

But I'm still not happy in general. I have dangly parts and bad hair and, oh yeah, I'm a freaking vampire!

Also? I'm starving. Seriously, the liquid diet is going to get old. Fast.

I'll admit, sometimes it's hard not to be jealous of some people here in Colligo, and what they can do. But after seeing what happens when they lose their abilities, I think I'm a little bit happier with the status quo.

Not that this impromptu vacation hasn't been super but do things around here normally have a shelf life for how long they're likely to last? I'm bored.

So since it appears that I may be stuck here for awhile, I figure I should do something other than sitting around. There wouldn't happen to be a clinic or a hospital that is looking for a doctor, would there? I'm highly trained in both human and alien physiology.

Well, this sure is interesting.

That's one seriously screwed up welcoming committee you people have here.

Don't suppose there's a chance someone with the ability to speak wants to tell me what in the fuck is going on?

( Filtered to John Watson and Owen Harper )

Good evening,

My name is Edward Cullen. I'm a vampire and I have a somewhat strange question for you that I hope you will be able to answer.

My fianacé, Bella, is human and we plan to become intimate once we are married. However, we wish to discuss forms of contraception with you. Bella would like to take the birth control pill if it is available here in Colligo and I would like to use condoms. My concern is that I do not think that condoms will work as they will likely break. I was hoping that you would have an alternate solution or other suggestions.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Edward.

Fencing with scalpels. Not something I ever want to do again. I'm lucky that I have plenty of practice stitching myself up.

But on the plus side, I'm not going to have to shave for the next week and a half.

For Christ's sake! Fair warning, Chase. You're getting a bedmate until you fix what you did to my room.

You slowly balding, vertically challenged, beaten with an ugly stick, arrogant, IMPOTENT NEO-NAZI TROLL! You. Ruined. My. Clothes. Do you have any idea how much those things cost?!? THEY WERE DESIGNER LABELS!

That's it. This means war.

[ooc: takes place not long after this, mostly due to this]

Oh, you have got to be kidding me! This is akin to filling someone's shoes with pudding and not at all a grown-up way to handle your issues. What in the world is wrong with you?

Hey! Doogie Howser wannabe! I don't know why you need seventy-five tons of various beauty products but I do know that I'd like to actually be able to see the bathroom sink sometime this century. So either move that crap or lose it, pal.

This is not what I expected.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Waking up in bed with a beautiful girl is much more heaven like than my last experience. But still. Confusing.

Anyone want to tell me how I got here and maybe where here is?

How am I Jack, what did you Calm down, Toshiko. Panicking won't do any good.

Hello?

Another planet...that's certainly interesting, if not at all what I was expecting.

The knights are absolutely fascinating. There's nothing indicating how they're powered or controlled. I definitely wouldn't mind taking one apart and seeing what makes it tick.

So. I'm open to explanations, people.