( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

So. As I lost my memories for the past couple of weeks, I haven't had time to make a very important announcement. Nate and I are now the proud parents of twin terrors, William Garland and Ashley Jeanne Harvelle-Wuornos. They have got to be the most damned adorable babies I've ever seen. And they've both got quite the set of lungs on them. I love my family so much. I couldn't be happier.

I'm not sure how this happened, but apparently I like weapons - like a lot. They are all over this apartment that I woke up in. I guess they are mine. Nobody has come in and told me to get out. I also don't know why the Billy Idol look alike is here, and when I got into that. He is cute, in this older, kind of sexy sort of way. I'm also knocked up. This is not weight gain. Weird. Makes me wonder if Billy Idol did it? I feel like I should be on one of those weird talk shows 'Billy, you are the father!' UGH, so not needed.

I woke up in a nursery with two crying newborn babies. Twins. I think they're mine. I mean, I could be babysitting, but new parents don't often leave their kids with other people, right? They seemed to...respond to me pretty well, so I have to be their mom, right? I'll keep an eye on them though. Just in case I'm not really their mom. But I think am.

I'm also pretty sure I'm married. Since I've got a wedding ring on my finger. But I've got no idea who my husband is. Or wife. Since I guess I could be a lesbian, or something.

You'd think I'd remember important things like my name, if I'm a mother, or if I'm a lesbian or not.

[Jo's voice is strained, and her breathing sounds labored.]

Um...Nathan, honey? Can you come home please?

My water just broke.

[A sharp gasp.]

And hurry!

Well, that's over now. No offense to Elijah, as he was the perfect gentleman the entire time during our lovely forced union, but it's great to be back with my actual husband.

Also? It's March first. In just a couple short weeks, Nate and I will officially be parents!

So I'm in a strange city on another planet, because of a god who isn't the god who wanted us sacrificed, and I'm not dead and Marty isn't dead and Jules isn't dead. And okay. That's fine. It's good. Bring Curt and Holden here and it'll be awesome.

But then I woke up this morning with a ring on my finger and a man I don't know and this is not okay. It isn't. It's just not.

I'm sorry I screamed and threw a lamp at you, guy I woke up with. And then locked myself in the bathroom and cried. For three hours. In retrospect, that might have been an overreaction. But I've kind of had a rough few days.

Marty? Jules? Are you guys okay? You're still here, right?

( Dana sounds confused, and a little out of it )

Hey...you end the world and get a free trip to a library. That's different. ( a pause ) Are you seeing this, Marty? Did...Is this what pot does? I don't think this is the pot...but maybe it's the pot.

[there’s a slight pause before Marty replies; he somehow manages to sound both extremely wary, somewhat confused, and very, very stoned]

Huh. [another pause] No, it's definitely not that. This is... [another pause] actually, Dana, I don't even fucking know what this is. [a slight pause] Aside from being a library, obviously.

[yet another pause; his tone slowly goes from wary to curious]

Hey. You still have that joint?

Huh. ( a slightly pained laugh ) Hey, Marty? The world's ending. And we're in a library. ( another laugh, a little hysterical ) Our friends are dead and the world's ending and we're in a library. And Jules told me no studying. How is this...how is this even our life?

( a pause )

Yeah. Yeah...here. ( another pause ) Marty? I'm glad I didn't shoot you.

[for a moment, there’s nothing more than the sound of someone clearly inhaling something; when Marty does speak again, he's obviously exhaling heavily as well]

I'm glad you didn’t shoot me too. [another pause] I wish I could have stopped you without having to resort to letting a werewolf mortally wound you through vicious mauling. You deserved better.

[another heavy exhale then he gives a soft half-laugh]

Hey. Dana. I just thought... what if this is it?

It's okay, Marty. ( quietly ) This is what I deserve. It's my fault. I was the one who made those...things come. I'm the reason Jules is dead. And Curt. And Holden. Maybe if it had been something else...maybe...maybe... And I was going to shoot you. Maybe. What kind of person does that? Who even... ( she trails off ) Pass that back, would you?

( a pause, then confused )

What if...like the ancient gods are really big on the reading? Or...like...heaven...or hell...or...whatever...has a lot of books?

[there's a bit of shuffling around as Marty hands the joint back over; he's silent for a moment, considering what she said]

To be totally fair, you were trying to save the world. For what it’s worth. [a quick pause] More or less.

[another pause and he sighs heavily]

You know, Dana, at this point that is entirely possible. If giant, evil gods can live in the core of the planet and are only appeased by human fucking sacrifice, resulting in a massive worldwide conspiracy to murder innocent people in really cliched ways, then why can't the afterlife be a giant library? Sounds about right, come to think of it.

[there's another pause then he shifts about]

Of course, that doesn’t explain why you're still bleeding out. [a slight pause; his tone turns concerned and somewhat small sounding] Anything I can do?

( there’s a pause and a long exhale before Dana speaks, as she clearly takes a hit off the joint )

I was...but you were right. If saving the world means killing my friends...why do I want to save that? The world didn't do anything for us. And they’d just keep doing it. Over and over and over. And more people would die and...no. Time for something new.

( a pause )

I kind of like it. All these books. It's nice, you know? Calm. Peaceful. There are worse places to be. And you're here...so there’s that. ( another pause and a sigh ) Don't worry about me, Marty. I'll be fine. I don't feel a thing.

( another pause and a sharp intake of breath )

Huh... ( yet another pause ) Giant evil gods...I thought they'd be taller.

[another pause, then Marty can’t help but give a humorless bark of laughter]

Definitely taller. Hey guys. 'Sup?

[the telltale sound of the guards moving closer to them can be heard; there's a soft groan as Marty forces himself to his feet and takes a few steps to place himself between Dana and the advancing guards]

Seriously. Nice place you've got here. Very... educational looking. [another pause; Marty starts to sound a bit more on edge]

Right. Big, strong, silent types. I can dig it. [he clears his throat] Hey, Dana. I don't suppose there is any chance you could get up right now and, you know, run for your life. [a pause] Again.

( Dana's quiet while Marty talks to the knights, then remains quiet for a moment )

Get up...right...just...give me a second... ( a pause and the sound of Dana struggling to her feet, slipping in the blood on the floor before righting herself ) Run? Now? Can we get to the running now? I don’t know how much longer I can...ugh...screw this. ( the sound of something being picked up and thrown at the knights, clanging against the metal ) Marty. Running. Now.

[Marty sucks in a sharp breath.]

Right. Running. In a library. From giant, evil gods. Sounds like a- [he trails off then, after a look around, announces] door. To the door. Come on, let’s go. [there's the sound of footsteps, not quite as fast as usual considering Marty is making sure to keep hold of Dana's hand; the guards can be heard following after them, before there's a loud creaking sound and Marty's tone turns slightly hopeful]

Hey, look. It's opening. That's... a little creepy and probably going to end horribly for us, but points for an easy escape this time, yeah?

( Dana starts laughing again )

We're running...in a library. Oh god, we’re not supposed to run in libraries. Freaking zombies and gods and...I'm worried about running in a library. Right. Priorities. ( the sound of running and stumbling before they get to the door ) Open it. Open it. I don't care what's out there...we just need to get out. Well...I care. What do you think is out there? Monsters? Fire? Some kind of horrible...

( a pause, as they get outside )

...city? A...really normal, not horrible city?

( a pause, then the knights toss them the PDAs )

...We're in a city. And the evil gods just gave us phones. What... ( a pause as she sits on the steps ) I still have the joint. I think we need it.

This would suck a lot less if I wasn't eight months pregnant. Not that being not able to sleep with my real husband didn't suck last time, but still, it didn't last forever, so there's that to look forward too. I just feel bad for Elijah, being stuck with a pregnant woman.

It occurred to me, that this was going on when I first got here and now, two years later, it's happening again. That time, I was paired with Sam, which was a lot better than Balthazar. My current "husband" is more on the Sam side than the Balthazar side, which I'm grateful for. That guy got on my last nerve.

I'm curious to know who Stefan got stuck with. It still amuses me that I met my last boyfriend because Stefan was married to him. I'm also extremely curious to find out who got stuck with Elijah.

Of fucking course.

Right. So. Hi. I'm Sam, and I have no idea what is going on.

Any chance someone out there could offer up an explanation?

Now that, that's all over with, I think it's about time I get a job. I've been trying to decide exactly what I wanted to do, but I think that I'm going to stick with teaching. I mean, there aren't exactly job openings for Warrior Princesses in the real world and I enjoyed teaching. I think I'll go over to the Elementary school tomorrow to see if there are any openings. For now though, I'll continue enjoying time with my husband.

I actually love these things. They're fun.
( Jo's answers )

As much as I love it at the Roadhouse, I was starting to feel just a little cooped up in here. It's nice to be able to actually go outside again. Even if the city's kind of a mess right now.

Also, the twins are either going to be really great soccer players or Rockettes. Or they could just be practicing their karate kicks.

I'll be very thankful when this whole thing is over, and I can go outside without having to worry about getting shot or sent away to another time or converted into a robot.

I'm starting to go a little stir crazy in here.

Oh honey, if you're reading this bring home ice cream. A couple different kinds, please. If you can. If the grocery store's under attack, then don't worry.

Well, that was fun in a way that really, really wasn't. So. What did I miss?

Oh! Doctor. I have something for you. It's a little dusty, after all of this time, but it should still work. Better late than never, right?

I guess Asaph just can't get enough of me, it seems. Might almost be flattered, if something didn't always happen to turn this place on its ear not long after I show back up. Still. This beats the alternative.

Now, who all is still around? Front and center.

Not sure if this counts as the weirdest thing that happened to me. Is this where I go when Or if this is just another weird Haven thing like the mystery coma or the people in snow globes. Does anyone know how to get back? Or how I got here? Or maybe where this is? At this point, I'll take anything I can get.

[ooc: if your character thinks they might be included in claire's very general filter, they probably are]

Right, so December is a pretty busy month for us, what with all three kids having birthdays as well as Christmas. And considering it's Colligo, we pretty much know the idea of celebrating the holidays on the actual date in question is just plain dumb. It never works out.

So. Here's the plan.

( Click to see the party dates. )

We're going to be having Christmas dinner, and presents, on Christmas Eve. Just in case. If anyone wants to stop by, we can definitely set something up. Or come visit you, if you really want to brave the kids running around your place.

( Filtered to Lucifer )

And here I was, thinking this place was just a bad dream. So, who's still knocking about this place? Emma? The Harvelle super sisters? Nate? You up to date, or am I going to have to keep my mouth shut about some things?

Daryl's gone.

Dean?

Dean?

Am I posting now, Dean?

Can you read this, Dean?

Is this a Text Message, Dean?

It is a message comprised of text. The child told me that it had to be composed on a phone to be a Text Message. But this message was composed on a phone, so I don't see any essential differences.

Why does one post messages to the network, Dean?

You know, those guards are a lot less friendly the second time around. You think they'd know better than to try manhandling a pregnant woman.

Okay. Now that that's out of the way...who's still here that remembers me?

Greetings Colligo,

Newsflash, everyone, none of you are special snowflakes. I know some of you have probably been told all your lives that you are, but guess what? You're not. You can all whine all you want, but I'm not going to change things for you just because you want it.

Suck it up and deal. Maybe make some new friends outside your own reality. Whatever you do, stop bitching like it's going to change anything.

XOXO,
Asaph

EDIT: PS - Parker's my favorite. Suck it, everyone.

Right. Let's just get this out of the way, shall we?

I'm Meri. Meri Winchester. Obviously, I'm no longer ten. I am, however, more than used to the crazy crap that happens in this city sometimes and, from the looks of it, right now people are being changed from who they normally are to some other version of themselves.

With that being said: ODDS ARE, IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE/WHAT IS GOING ON AND ARE NOT IN A LIBRARY WITH MOSTLY BLANK AND/OR MISSING BOOKS, YOU. ARE. A. DIFFERENT. VERSION. OF. YOURSELF.

So sit down, calm down, and shut the fuck up chill out. Everything is going to be fine. Or not. Depends on dickhead's, I mean Asaph's, mood.

There. That's my good deed for the next year or ten. Now you can't say you weren't already warned. You're fucking welcome.

Jeremy's gone.

Okay, let's try this again. Now with 90% less panicking.

Hi, my name is Stiles. Stiles Stilinski. I'm a high school student from California and I'm still really confused. But less confused than I was before, because I found some handy tutorial thing someone FROM THE VAMPIRE DIARIES wrote up. It kind of helped. A little.

So, I should probably get a job. Because a hundred dollars doesn't go all that far, especially when you need to get Adderall. Does anyone need anyone? My skills include knowing a lot about werewolves, awesome research powers, people skills, and possibly being the only person in my town who isn't a moron.

I never thought I'd see my Dad's knife again. It was a nice thing, to find that under the tree on "Christmas" morning. Even though he's not here, and he's been gone for a long time, it's nice to still have a part of him. I like to think that he'd be proud of how I turned out. It does suck that he can't be here, as Lord knows how many people've brought back from the dead and wound up here, but I love my family here. I'll just be happy, thinking that he would have loved Nate and Jude, and his grandson or granddaughter that'll be here come March.

Snowball fight outside the apartments in ten minutes. Try not to hurt anyone.

Edit: Soneone go skating with me so I'm not some awkward third wheel to the other Slayer and her boyfriend. Uh, please.

It occurred to me today that in a couple of weeks, I've would have been here for a year. And while I've definitely had my ups and downs in the past year, because of all the crap this city throws at us, I really like it here. It beats being dead, for starters. I have great friends, an awesome little sister; pain in the ass that she may be at time, and the best husband in the entire world, no contest. And by March this year, we're going to have the most badass, awesome baby ever. With parents like me and Nate, and its extended family, there's no question in the level of badass awesomeness. I love you, Nate.

I'll probably do something to celebrate my being here a year. Maybe a little party at the Roadhouse?

( Jude can be heard humming 'Cherry Bomb' to herself, clearly not realizing her PDA is broadcasting. Eventually she starts talking though not to anyone in particular. )

Ugh. Definitely need to clean. Note to self: When four people share a bathroom and all of them are very busy, said bathroom tends to get kind of gross. ( a pause ) Maybe I should put up a chore chart. With gold stars when people do shit. I bet Moll would be proud of me if I did that. Of course, Jo-Beth would probably think I was a shifter and stab me. We really need to work out code phrases for that...or something.

( a pause and a sharp intake of breath )

No way. Just...no fucking way. Jesus fuck. ( a pause, then quieter ) Plus sign means...

( a long pause )

Well...unless Daryl's hiding a really serious secret from us...

( one more pause )

Holy fuck...Jo's pregnant...

Crowley's gone. I went into his office and he's not there. And none of his stuff is there. And texting him didn't work. And now I'll never see him again unless Morgan Freeman brings him back because I'm not from his stupid reality.

And Dean is gone too. Not Claire's Dean. Mine and Cas'.

I hate this. I don't want to like people. They just leave, they always leave, and being sad sucks. :(

Even though I burn like a lobster if I'm out in the sun for too long, I think I'm going to go to the pool tomorrow and relax out in the sun and go for a swim. Anyone care to join me?

Okay, enough foreplay with the local meatsuits. They're even less useful than the ones I normally deal with. So let's see if this yields better results.

Where am I, how did I get here, and who am I supposed to not kill for taking me out of Crowley's clutches bringing me here?

....Just when I was starting to feel pretty good for being left out of this round of the crazy.

Spoke too soon, apparently.

Mom's gone. </s>You know...I actually like this place. Until it does something like send my mom back to a world where we're both dead.</s>

</s>What happened is really starting to sink in.</s>

Does that bar still offer free drinks?

Okay. Sorry about that. Totally had to get the hang of...you know...BEING THE DEVIL. Figured it was probably best to take a couple days and do that instead of accidentally blowing up shit.

Mom? Probably best if I take some time off til this is done. What with being the devil and all.

Oh! Lucy! Behave in my body. I have no problem blowing myself up if it comes to it. Also, I have a present for you.

( cut for image )

Okay. I meant to say something a couple of days ago, on Wednesday when Nate and I got married again, but what can I say? Honeymoon activities can be distracting.

Anyway. I'd like to thank everyone who was there and made the day even better than it already was.

Also...to whoever made it so that Nate could feel me when we kissed? Thank you. It really means a lot to the both of us.

( Nate's answers )

These things are always a fun way to kill a couple of minutes.

( Jo's answers. )

Did they redecorate while I was gone?

Something seems different. There's a stronger hint of douchebag in the air.

Or is that just my brothers?

Note to self: Cars kill. You would think I'd read enough Stephen King over the years to know that's true already, but there you have it.

( Filtered to Gabriel )

( Filtered to Noah )

( Filtered to Lyle )

( Filtered to Ruby )

Days like this, I really hate my job.

( Dean, Noah, Lyle )

( Jo, Ellen, Sam )

( Mac, Emma, Sherlock, Roy )

( Duke )

Ruby is resting comfortably.

So is the baby. It was touch and go for a while, but it's under control now. Ruby's going to stay at the hospital another day or two, just to be sure, but it looks like we're okay.

Baby's growing so fast, but she's just not ready yet.

Ruby's in labor. It's my fault.

I don't know anything yet. Except that she freaked out and went into early labor. And if anything happens to her, or the baby...

Okay, this isn't totally familiar at all.

1) This time it's not my fault. Probably.

B) Molly, want to come shoot some zombies with me? I need to make sure your aim hasn't started sucking since I left.

III) Now I want a Twinkie. Is that weird?

I stealed daddy's phone so I can tell you all that Mommy's french fry maker and and Daddy's razor gotted married! I sawed the whole thing happen. The coffee maker said 'you may now kiss the bride' and everything!

I admit, I did find it weird when my hair dryer started to have a conversation with me this morning.

But that was until I found the talking solo cups at the store.

I think I might teach them to sing "Red Solo Cup", purely for my own amusement.

( Jude sounds so close to giggling the entire time. )

So I came downstairs this morning and there were bunnies trying to seep the floor with their fluffy little tails. So I kinda pulled my shotgun and it told me it didn't feel comfortable murdering fluffy bunnies and, honestly, neither do I, so I put it away. Which I'm really glad for, because one of the bunnies brought me this note. And now I'm keeping that bunny because we're bros and this is the best thing ever. ( pause, giggling ) Okay, I'm just going to read this...

( In an exaggerated girly voice, with asides in her normal voice )

To my most awesome and wonderful husband (...oh gag me Jo-Beth. Really?)

Hey, sweetie (Sweetie?). I wanted to catch you before you went to work, but I had to run to the store to get something for Mom. (You could have just waited for a fricking goose to do it or something.)

So. I've been thinking. About our wedding. (You mean that thing I wasn't here for?) Why not get married on the most romantic day of the year? (Halloween?) And by that, I mean, Valentines' Day, not St. Patrick's Day, though getting married then would be awesome. (St. Patrick's day totally trumps Valentine's.)

But that also means that we'd have to put it off even further, which I really don't want to do. (I may actually throw up.) I want to be married (again) to the most wonderful man in the entire world as soon as possible. (I wonder if I can get a fox to strangle me with its tail.) I know, getting married on Valentine's Day sounds corny and cliche (it is), but it's not so cliche and corny (no, it really is), since we're doing it because we really love each other, and not because we want to put more money in the Hallmark Company's bank account. (This is seriously fucking sappy.)

I already know that no matter when we get married, it's going to be perfect. (Seriously? Fricking seriously?) Because we love each other and are already perfectly happy. (This is just ridiculous.)

But just think about it let me know, okay? (Just agree so I never have to read something like this again.)

I love you. Have a great day at work. Serve justice and all that comes with it. (Serve justice? Really?)

Love, Jo.

( Back to normal voice )

And then she drew a bunch of tacky hearts. Because she's kinda lame sometimes. And now, Jo-Beth, maybe you won't get married without me here next time...