( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

( caroline's answers )

filtered; Caroline Salvatore

There's another hunter here. Not so friendly with people like us.

So, either I have the worst parents ever, or I'm stuck in an episode of Teen Mom.

Because there's this baby here. And I? Am seriously too young for a baby.

There is so much wrong with this.

I probably should have paid attention to this thing a little sooner but I was sort of lost in this massive house for a few days.

Seriously. I think I'm a princess or something. This place is crazy big. And is anyone else naturally blue but able to look like everyone else? Because I

Anybody figure out anything new about this situation?

Accidental Voice Post
(Elena ruffled the blankets as she woke up in the strange bed.)

What? Where am.. AH!

(Crashing sound as she falls off the bed.)

Lexi? You died. Am I seeing ghosts again or.....

(Lightly groans.)

Oh, no no. Damon said this hunter's curse was over now.

It occurred to me, that this was going on when I first got here and now, two years later, it's happening again. That time, I was paired with Sam, which was a lot better than Balthazar. My current "husband" is more on the Sam side than the Balthazar side, which I'm grateful for. That guy got on my last nerve.

I'm curious to know who Stefan got stuck with. It still amuses me that I met my last boyfriend because Stefan was married to him. I'm also extremely curious to find out who got stuck with Elijah.

We're doing this again? Could we not?

No offense to the blonde I've been paired to, but you're not my blonde.

Speaking of, Caroline, you've got Emma, right? What giant asshat did you get stuck with?

[Bonnie's voice is groggy, and the faint sounds of a baby crying can be heard in the background.]

...Crying baby...why is there a crying baby?

[Some shuffling is heard, as Bonnie sits up. She notices that she is not alone in bed, and she lets out a small gasp.]

I'm in bed with another woman...and there's a crying baby. This has to be a weird, cracked out dream. Wake up, Bonnie.

[Bonnie can be heard slapping her face lightly, as to "wake herself up", and she lets out another gasp when she notices the wedding ring.]

Shit. Okay. Maybe not a dream, and just your standard Colligo crazy.

[More shuffling, as Bonnie is heard moving to the side to try and gently tries to shake Skylar awake.]

Um...hey. You might to wake up.

Someone better tell me what the hell's going on right now.

Or heads will roll.

I try very hard to do the right thing. I don't feed from good people and I never feed from non-locals. I don't make them suffer and I always kill them when I'm done. I help people when I can. Yes, I need blood to live but I don't think that makes me bad and I think there are other people here who would say the same thing about me. So I'm going to give you a little bit of advice because of what just happened to me when I went feeding tonight.

Do something about your father before someone else does.

THE CASINO IS BACK!

That's right. Eden is back, fully functional, and re-opening for business tomorrow night! So. If you work there, and still want to keep your job, let's talk schedules. If you want to come spend your money in a place where you could potentially turn it into lots more money, stop on by! Doors will reopen at 5PM.

Hey Freeman! Stop jerking me around! Either I'm alive, and here, or I'm dead, back home. Make up your frigging mind already!

With that being said, I'm definitely glad to be back. Being dead kind of sucks. A lot.

So! Come on, people. Front and center. Who missed me?

Okay. So. Quick question.

Has anyone seen Meg in the last few days? I'm used to at least a text or something if she's going to be busy with something for a long time and MIA because of it, and this time there hasn't been a thing. Nothing. Nada. Not really troubling any other time, but considering our current vulnerability, I would rather not take my chances.

So. Yes? No? Maybe? Any takers?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I have been cooking for days. Seriously. Days. I just love the holidays, and this is Emma's first Thanksgiving, so it's kind of a big deal to me. I really do. But I definitely forgot how exhausting being a human could be. Apparently I can't run myself off my feet like I used to.

Friends and family are all welcome to stop by. I know we've had some issues lately, but the holidays are about putting that aside. That said, if anyone causes any problems, I will remember. And then, when I'm a vampire again, I will rip your heart out and set you on fire. Okay? Good.

So, dinner will be starting at four. Don't worry, that's not a set time. I know people have a lot of places to be, so swing by whenever after that time.

( Molly )
I know you're worried about being around people, but I'd love for you to stop by. I even made a little tofurkey with vegan stuffing just in case. I really want to see you.

If Stefan does stop by, I'll make sure you guys either miss each other or that he behaves. If he doesn't, he can stay out of my house. You're my best friend and that's important to me. But if you don't feel like you can handle it, or you don't want to come, I understand. And if you want me to ask Stefan to stay away, I can do that. I'm worried about you. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I mean...you don't even eat meat.

Well, at least I won't lose my keys.

Moll, I'm going to take a not-so-wild guess and say you've got my abilities right now?

[The PDA turns on, and Bonnie sounds a confused...and a bit annoyed.]

What the hell is this? Where am I?

[Bonnie notices, the guards, and makes her way towards them.]

Excuse me? Can you tell me where I am?

[The guards hand her phone, and Bonnie scoffs.]

...A phone? What's this for?

[The guards grab her, and Bonnie can be heard struggling.]

Hey! Put me down!

[She lets an "oof" sound as she's tossed out of the library.]

You could've at least told me where the hell I am- hey! Open this damn door and tell me what's going on right now!

[Bonnie mutters, as she turns around.]

...Guess I'm going to have to find out where I am on my own...not a problem. I just have no idea where the hell here is.

Forget Halloween parties. I just found out that on Halloween there is going to be a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show! Stefan, we are going and I won't take no for an answer. I think the last time we went to a midnight showing was sometime in the 90s. This is long overdue.

In fact, I think everyone should come. The more the merrier after all! I know that there's zombies and werewolves and all that not so fun stuff out there, but considering the fact that we're pretty much all vampires, I think we're more or less safe in a group.

So, in case anyone isn't sure, this invite goes out to Stefan, Elena, Caroline & Damon (if you guys can get a sitter), Connor, Jude, Ric, Jenna, Elijah and Abby and anyone else who wants to go. So, who's in?

So, this might be an unpopular opinion, but I kinda love this one. I mean how cute is everyone as a kid? Yeah, I know everyone is confused and scared when this happens, but come on, how adorable is Daryl? The way I see this, no one has baby pictures or anything like that here and this gives us the chance to see what everyone looked like as kids or teenagers.

Asaph, can I make a request? Could you de-age Stefan, Damon and Elijah? I can't help but think that they had to have been extremely adorable ickle kiddies.

So we can't see anyone from our worlds or friends.

Does anyone know a Derek Hale? Isaac Lahey? Scott McCall? Hell, I'd be glad to see Stiles.

I am so over this whole getting kidnapped thing. I had plans for today, like shopping and ignoring werewolves and lizard people.

Now I'm being manhandled by suits of armor and everyone is whining about not being able to see people.

Great, I've been brought to the wonderful world of hipsters.

What the hell is going on?

Greetings Colligo,

Newsflash, everyone, none of you are special snowflakes. I know some of you have probably been told all your lives that you are, but guess what? You're not. You can all whine all you want, but I'm not going to change things for you just because you want it.

Suck it up and deal. Maybe make some new friends outside your own reality. Whatever you do, stop bitching like it's going to change anything.

XOXO,
Asaph

EDIT: PS - Parker's my favorite. Suck it, everyone.

You have to be kidding me. It's one thing to not be able to see my dad, or Peter, or Molly. It's another entirely not to be able to see my children.

( Filtered to Loki )

Okay. Since I seem to have lost almost a week, I'm guessing that wasn't just a very bad dream.

[ filtered to Caroline ]
So. How much trouble am I in?

( when the PDA turns on, Illyria sounds annoyed )

You mock me. You are not worthy to even speak to me, and yet you mock me. You. A wretched, filthy half-breed who reeks of humanity. In my time you would have been strung up and ripped apart...but slowly, so that you could feel every second of agony that your insolence had wrought.

( a pause )

I could show you if you like.

[ there’s a lengthy silence before Damon can be heard laughing ]

Wow. Just...wow. Do you give speeches like that to everyone who talks back to you because that must get exhausting? Or is that just the tough talk to go along with your outfit?

[ the smirk can practically be heard in his tone ]

Just move on, princess. This wretched, unworthy half-breed has better things to do than listen to you spout off about your superiority.

( a frustrated scoffing sound )

You mortals with your quips. You hide your weakness behind clever words and you think they protect you. You are but a fool. One might think that to still your tongue would be to kill you. Perhaps we should test that.

( there is a hint of something dangerous as she continues )

You have been given far too much leeway. You truly believe that you cannot be harmed. That you can say what you wish with no consequence. It is the worst sort of arrogance, unmerited as it is. It is only right that I correct your error of judgment.

One more word and I will rip out your tongue and feed it back to you. Then we will see how clever you are, vampire.

[ Damon snorts in amusement ]

That sounds like a lot of work. Wouldn’t you rather just go get a latte? Or head to the salon? The blue’s an interesting choice, but it’s not one I would have gone with. It doesn’t really scream ‘All Powerful Deity’ if you get what I me-

[ sudden strangled noise as Damon’s voice cuts off mid word ]

( Illyria sounds smug, her words punctuated by the sound of bones cracking as she continues to squeeze Damon’s throat )

I grow weary of you. You talk and you talk and yet you say nothing of any worth. This is preferable.

( a strange, wet sound as Damon’s heart is forcibly removed from his chest )

Not the tongue, but quite enjoyable nonetheless.

So, if someone could explain exactly what's going on, that'd be swell. I mean this is obviously not Prague or Mystic Falls and I'm pretty sure I'm not being held prisoner, so what's the deal? As nice as this apartment is, I really can't afford to hang around one place for too long. And is that a Mogwai? Okay, did someone drug me or something? Someone had better start talking.

[Meet AU!Lexi, who instead of being killed by Damon in 162 Candles, accidently killed him while defending herself, which exposed herself and Stefan.]

I can't believe today actually went off without a hitch. I think this may be the first time since we came here that Damon and I actually planned something that worked out.

Caroline Salvatore really does have a nice ring to it.

( Damon )
So, Mr. Salvatore, no second thoughts, right?

( Elena and Molly )
I couldn't have gotten through this without you two. Thank you both so much.

[There's the tell-tale sounds of a TARDIS in the background, faint but certainly noticeable if anyone is either accustomed to hearing it/might recognize it easily, followed by a sharp intake of breath. The sounds begin to take on a slightly different pitch, before Molly's voice - slightly confused but still relaxed - comes over the line.]

Well. This is [a pause] different. Hello, Lo. I have to admit, this is probably the last place I expected to find myself.

[Footsteps can be heard, slightly muffled as though the PDA is brushing up against fabric of some sort. There's the whoosh of a door sliding opened and Molly's smile is all but audible as she speaks again.]

Thank you. Now, if you don't mind, would you please point me in the direction of the Master? Something tells me that he wouldn't appreciate my snooping around without at least letting him know that I'm back, first.

[There are some more sounds and, in the distance, another door sliding opened. Footsteps follow. Molly's voice drops a little, as though she's speaking more to herself than to the TARDIS now. Not that it matters because, hello, TARDIS, but yes.]

So, let's see. Based on how fast my reaction took place from the time I removed my mask until the time I collapsed, I'm guessing [another pause] dopamine. The toxin must have contained dopamine. Along with some sort of amphetamine, too, most likely. [Her voice raises slightly again - clearly, she's once more speaking to the TARDIS.]

I'm right, aren't I? [A few more sounds, in varying pitches.] I thought so. Thank you again, Lo. Now. Left or right?

Tony, I know this probably isn't very fair to take advantage of this situation, but I figure it's probably the only way I'll get a straight answer out of you. Ever.

Do any of the following products actually exist: Toasteronis, Densaugios, Skittlebrau, Brawndo, Bot Munch cereal, Snappy Cracker Crunches, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Cosmic Cookies, Snicker Snax, Choc'o the Mornin, Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch, Cowboy Crunch'ems, and/or Fishtastic Toaster Tacos?

Does NC-17 really mean it's for people under the age of seventeen?

Did something called Prop 8 really make marriage mandatory for homosexual couples?

Is Star Trek really the true story of the founding of the space program? I've been meaning to watch it to see.

Is that Mitt Romney guy really a Doombot?

Does the E on that fiction site you found really mean the stories are for everyone? And does the little slash thing mean it switches point of view between two people?

If you take a gal on a date, do you really need to take her bowling so she knows you're interested? And get her a corsage to match her outfit? And call to ask what she's wearing so you can make sure you match?

I'm pretty sure grabbing someone's backside isn't actually a Nepalese greeting that's becoming really popular in the states, but I'll ask anyway. Is it?

Is Fox News really "brilliantly crafted political satire"?

Is Twilight an inspiring true story?

Do people really use Comic Sans exclusively?

Will citizens of the United States really be required by law to be fluent in Norwegian by 2024?

Was there really a war with Canada in the sixties?

Do you really need to say please and thank you to the toaster if you want it to cook your bread?

Is Men in Black really about a sister agency of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

I really feel like kind of a jerk asking you all these things, especially when you have to be honest, but I just don't know what to believe any more. And I don't get why you keep saying this stuff if it's not true. I mean, Jesus, it's hard enough adjusting to things when nothing makes sense and I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway, but it's worse when I'm not sure what to believe and what not to. I mean, I know you don't like me all that much, but I just thought we were getting past the awkward start, and now I'm not so sure. And I know I could probably look all of this up, but I'd just rather hear it from you.

I can't believe this. I never thought it would happen. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought I could protect her.

[it's quiet for a bit, when all of a sudden there's this loud gasp. Then there's the sound of choking and all of a sudden, something drops to the ground and there's this very large clang.]

Oh god.

I -

What -

[there's more coughing and then sputtering and choking]

No no -

This isn't -

Help.. help me I can't.

I need.

Oh god it hurts.

I need to think of something besides all the stuff that's happening back home. I meant to do this earlier, but I've been so busy.

( Caroline's Answers )

( Private to all friends and family )

This is ridiculous. It's hard enough for me to find a meal around here that meets the hypocritical standards of everyone in this city. Now that I can't seem to lie no matter how hard I try, it's becoming almost impossible. People aren't very keen on getting close to me when I feel compelled to tell them exactly what I'm going to do to them.

At this rate, I'm going to end up starving. If I don't jump out my window at high noon when the dementia takes hold of me, first.

As boring as some of you changing into other yous can be, some of you are really entertaining. But I am glad I got to sit this one out. So far, at least.

My boyfriend is a teenager. A teenager who I just caught going through my underwear drawer. This is so weird.

Earlier today, I sang about my issues with the teaching methods of my Professor of Public Relations to that very same professor. Granted I switched to Hindi about three quarters of the way through, but I'm fairly sure the damage was already done.

I think it might be prudent to start considering a new major.

What the Hell is this?

I don't know why I keep humming Bad Moon Rising, but I guess it's appropriate.

That's it. I can't take it anymore! Spike, I'm doing something with your hair. And no, this is not open for discussion.

So! I either need some folks who will volunteer to help me out, or I need someone to create a mirror that I can see my reflection in. Either/or, doesn't matter, but this 80's reject hairdo has got to go.

It's weird to think that I've been here for a year. Or maybe it's weird to think that I've only been here for a year. Well, a year four days ago. It feels like so much longer sometimes. But in a good way.

I definitely never thought I'd get to a point where people switching bodies would seem relatively normal.

Can someone please tell me what's going on. Because this is definitely not Mystic Falls and I'm kind of freaking out.

[Friends + Family]

I'm not sure what the me that was here before had been up to as far as hanging out and things. I was thinking that maybe we could all have dinner on Sunday? I mean I know it's 'Easter' and most of us (if not all of us) don't care so much about that. Still, it's a holiday. And I've seen most of you, but we should all have dinner together.

Except I won't cook, because I don't want to kill anyone. We could get take out if no one wants to cook.

So.. yes?

Pushy suits of armor isn't the way I thought I'd be spending my morning, or afternoon as it was.

This is definitely not Mystic Falls. Great.

I know it's been a couple days, but Emma is seriously the most adorable baby ever. She's so tiny and absolutely perfect. I'm sure me gushing is going to get annoying really quickly, but I'm just so happy right now.

( Because I'm bored waiting for Jeremy to come home, and really don't feel like doing anything productive except lie on the couch and watch horrible reality television. )

(A scuffle can be heard, some clanging and what sounds a bit like a hiss going on.)

If you put your hands on me, I'll rip you limb from limb. You have no idea who you are messing with.

(The library doors slam shut as Rebekah is tossed out.)

I'll remember this, knights. Mark my words.

I really do love these things. Plus it's a great distraction from how much my back is killing me.

( Caroline's answers )

Okay. Being pregnant sucked before, but this is even worse.

My back is killing me and I can't even see my feet but they hurt too.

[Jenna gasps and sounds terrified as she looks around frantically]

H...Hello? Where am I? I thought that I...is anyone there who can tell me what's going on?

[The Knights step off their pedestals and advance towards Jenna. Not waiting to find out what they want, she turns and runs towards the doors]

What. The. Fuck. Is. THIS?!

First, I'm dragged to who the hell knows where against my will (which, by the way, I'm really not a fan of), and then whoever dragged me here makes me fucking human again?

I want answers. And I want them, now. Or human or not, I don't care, heads will roll.

Yay. I love these.

( Caroline's Answers )

Oh! Claire. Can I talk to you?