( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

My mom is going to kill me

So, let me make sure I have this all straight.

• I've been kidnapped
• I've been kidnapped to another planet, possibly in another reality
• I can't go home
• All you people apparently just got your memories back because something caused mass amnesia
• My boyfriend robbed a bank during the aforementioned mass-amnesia with a blonde girl

Is that about right?

Yeah, so...did anyone else wake up today and realize they did really stupid stuff? I'm pretty sure I did some really stupid stuff which includes but not specific to:

robbing a bank

buying a penthouse

apparently I have a motorcycle

and a fountain shaped like a penguin

Aside from all of that, anyone want to mention where I even am?

[ private ]

I have a black costume. I tossed my old costume for a black one.

Well, at least black is slimming.

I... have no idea what is going on but half of the park is gone, I'm naked, I'm exhausted, and I seem to have blacked out the past several days I really need some pants. And a name. But mostly pants, at the moment.

So...funny story.

I may have possibly misplaced a small child.

Is there a lost and found or something for those?

I went to sleep male. I didn't wake up that way.

So. Yeah. That's something that happened.

Interesting.

Quick question. Anyone seen Natasha recently?

Everyone, stop what you're doing! I need your full attention.


I found Avengers parody porn.

Mental note, the next time there is an invasion, I probably shouldn't attempt to take matters into my own hands.

[Raven]
I don't know what to say. I heard you I'm sorry.

Well that was something.

[Fail!Filter to Kitty]
Right. So. On a scale of one to ten with how mad you are at me for getting myself killed... think I could get some pants?

Did I arrive just in time for an invasion?

[Filtered to Canton]
We have a bit of a situation. I'm I don't normally apologise, but

I'm sorry, Canton. I really, truly am.

[Filtered to the Avengers - and Phil Coulson]
If you all are quite finished sitting on your bloody hands and not doing a singular damn thing to aid others in this particular battle, I've a bit of news for you.

Not that I think any of you deserve it, mind. Heroes. Honestly. You have the gall to call yourselves such? What have any of you done, since this began?

Well. I'll tell you what your supposed comrade did. Clint Barton joined me in attempting to stop the Daleks from overtaking the bulk of this city and slaughtering everyone they encountered in the process. And now, he's dead.

So I hope you're all bloody well happy with yourselves. A good man is dead while the rest of you continue to sit high in your ridiculous looking tower and aren't doing a damn thing to help anyone else. Heroes indeed. You all are embarrassments, that's what you are.

And so help me, if any of you dare to ask for his remains, I will shoot you where you stand. And don't think this isn't going to affect you either, Captain Rogers. I know precisely how to take you out as well. Don't believe me? Just try me, right now. I bloody well dare you.

[Filtered to the Eleventh Doctor]
There you have it, sweetie. An entire battalion of Daleks have been dealt with, as have several hundred Cybermen and a fair number of Silents as well.

I'm going drinking. Don't wait up.

[ooc: takes place a few hours after this]

Okay. The bowtie Doctor kinda could've given more details on the Daleks and the Cybermen. He was probably busy with, y'know, saving lives and things like that, but here.

Don't even bother wasting bullets (or arrows) on the Cybermen, unless you've got something that'll explode on impact or overload their electricity. And by the way-- they can and will electrocute you to death if they've decided not to convert you. It's very painful. If they capture you for conversion, do your best to escape. Get yourself killed in the attempt if you have to. It's better than being converted. If you find someone being converted or partially converted-- show some mercy and do them the favor of killing them. If you're in a last resort situation and somehow able to manage this, rip out the center of a Cybermen's chest. The thing with the "C" on it. That'll screw them up real good.

Daleks are bulletproof and use forcefields. They don't look like they could follow you on staircases, but they can hover, so stairs aren't an escape. If its forcefield is down and you shoot into its eyestalk, you might be able to blind it. That's about all you can do. All they want to do to you is kill you, and they will. Or convert you, too, which is another way of killing you. I wish I knew how to kill them. We're fucked.

These were totally surreal for me to watch, but here's even more detail:

• Cyberman
  
• Daleks

[The Doctor (bowtie), River Song]
Please tell me you're for some reason hiding bastic bullets in your TARDIS so we have even a tiny chance against the Daleks?

I'm not panicking, not something out of my worst nightmares, nope.

Somebody better start talking. I wasn't finished with my shawarma yet and Barton gets cranky when I don't check in with him. He's not the kind of guy you want to make cranky, believe me. I have first hand experience here.

I got us a new pet. I expect you all to be very nice to him. His name is Q, though I've been thinking of changing it for him. He's British. He know computers. He's very skinny, won't take up much space at all. And I'll feed him. From the looks of him, he can't possibly eat much.

And before anyone starts complaining, I let Barton keep that gimpy cat, so I think it's only fair that I get one, too.

We'll probably need to find a place for him to sleep, though. JARVIS? Suggestions?

Being manhandled by giant trash cans isn't really how I like to end my evenings.

Or finding myself suddenly in some place I've never even heard of, that's not Storybrooke or the Enchanted Forest.

If anyone wants to start talking and tell me where I am, exactly, that would be great.

( Steve sounds different, less self-assured and somewhat out of breath )

Guys...something's wrong...

After much consideration, and careful experimentation, I can say for certain that I am most definitely outside my proper casing in what appears to be a permanent relocation.

This body functions quite like a human's, or so my data dictates, but I must admit that I am quite confused as to how I was placed within it.

Personal research has yielded no answers, so I suppose I am obliged to seek outside aide.

Mr. Stark? Dr. Banner? If you could be so kind as to assist me, I would be most grateful.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Bruce Banner and I'm going to preface this by apologizing. I'm a physicist and not exactly known for my public speaking, but I thought that someone should do this and, well, my lack of ability to be as eloquent as others doesn't automatically exclude me from that list.

So I've taken a moment to compile a list of everything we know about this place, thus far. If anyone has anything to add, feel free to do so and I'll edit accordingly. Maybe, if we all get on the same page, we can figure this out sooner rather than later. That's my theory, at any rate.

( The list )

As I said, if I've forgotten anything, speak up. I've been collecting as much data as possible but I'm sure I may have missed a few things. And if anyone else wants to take the reigns on this, please do.

( Avengers )

So, question time.

1) Did anyone else lose limbs in this fun little experiment? Just wondering. Really not sure if this is whoever got us all here, or Stark got a little science happy.

2) What the actual fuck? Maybe that should have come first, but I'm kind of stuck on the I HAVE A FUCKING ROBOT HAND thing.

3) If you see that guy that looks like Snape with a leather fetish, keep away from him. He's crazy and evil and not good.

4) Who else is in the vents? I keep hearing beeping.

5) At least I have my arrows.

That's all.

Hey Annie, I think we're out of noodles.

Also, I think I may have travelled back in time. The fall lineup on the DVR is all wrong and I just saw a promo for "Arrow."

Well, that was a suitably horrifying experience.

Thor, buddy. Two things.

1) It's just Clint. You seriously don't have to call me 'man with the eyes of a hawk'.

2) New Rule: You're not allowed anything. Ever. If you feel the urge to explain something? Don't.

( Bruce )
Hey, dad.

[ There's some shuffling going around in the background because...well, Aaron just finished avoiding the library guards for a little more than a couple hours before they grabbed a hold of him...the struggling and sound of Aaron hitting the guard statues was enough to turn on his PDA before he was so gracefully brought into the city. ]

Either the Philippines have gotten a new police force that gives out free PDAs or...well, I'm not even sure what's going on at this point. [ Aaron's pretty much talking at himself, he's trying to catalogue the sequence of events that took place before showing up in the library. The dull pain in his leg was a reminder that it wasn't a dream. ] Does anyone know what's going on here or do I have to guess?

Because nothing I'm coming up with makes sense. And I'm pretty sure Hell wouldn't look like this. [ He'd bring up Marta but he'd rather keep her off the radar just in case this was all a ruse to give up her location. An extremely elaborate ruse. ]

( the little boy's voice sounds nervous )

Momma? ( hesitantly ) Barney?

( a pause )

Where am I? I'm up high and I don't know how to get down and...and...I don't know how I got here...

( another pause )

Hello? Momma? Barney? ( very hesitantly ) Dad?

Is anyone there?

Okay. 2012. I can deal with that.

I'm a reasonable, sensible person, so I can absolutely deal with being chucked back into the past. Totally not a big deal.

My husband's even here. I assume. He's still asleep and But, either way, it's Bruce, so There are so many ways this could be worse.

But I'd just like to know one thing.

Where the hell is my kid?

I never would have thought I could be this glad to see you weirdos.

Is everyone, you know. Here? And mostly in tact?

And by any chance... has anyone seen a guy wandering around who sounds like Paul Bettany?

Well, glad that's over.

Just one thing...

Stark, why the fuck is there a nest in my room in your magic treehouse?

( Coulson )

If the delighted declaration I just heard by the young Miss Tesla is correct, we're now once again able to see each other. So. How'd everyone fair? Lots of new friends made on all ends, I hope.

Right. Yes. Hello again. The Doctor here -- remember me? Bit of a mad man, did a whole lot of shouting when I first got here -- sorry about that -- been pretty quiet since then? Yes? No? I'll assume you do -- and if not, no problem, lots of people don't know who I am, nice surprise when that happens really -- and we'll work from there.

I see a lot of you posting things about missing people? Strange place, funny gods -- who kidnaps a Time Lord, really? -- it seems normal to me that people go missing from here all the time. One day, you wake up and they're gone. Still, seems to me, with an awful lot of people putting an awful lot of complaints out there, that maybe, just maybe, this is another of those strange things that happens here.

I've taken a look over the network and created a scanning algorithm that contained a search parameter for the postings, and it came back with the theory that everyone seems to be missing someone they already knew, someone connected to them from where they're from -- again, really, doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary for this place so far -- and take it from me, I know a thing or two about taking things out of the ordinary.

RIGHT! That being said, important questions are to follow, very important, well, maybe not that important -- maybe not questions at all -- more like question -- yes. Single. One question -- Une question, as it were...


Who can see this?

What kind of psycho does this? It wasn't okay when the Egyptians did it, and it isn't okay now. My baby People are depending on me at home. I don't care if you've heard it all before-- I don't want to be here, and I don't want to lose any more time than I already have.

The rest of you, it's clear who I meant this for, so don't get grumpy with me over reading it. You could've chosen not to. If you have any better ideas on getting a message to our kidnapper, then I'll listen.

Does that asshole bring families here together, or bring one person and leave the other behind? I need to know before I tear this city apart looking.

It appears that the results are finally in. The toxins in the gas consist of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, Synthetic Amphetamine, Dopamine, Corticotropin and Yohimbine. Now given the situation, we can't exactly work together physically on an antidote and constantly texting one another would be time consuming. We need a simpler way to work together on this.

I didn't mean I thought Kitty was trying to stop me. I let it get to me, whatever is happening to everyone, it got to me. I didn't know what I was doing, and she was trying to stop me.

I thought she was someone else. I didn't mean hurt her. I swear, I didn't.

Alright. Because getting kidnapping wasn't on my list of things to do today, and those knights weren't exactly what I'd like to call helpful, anyone want to tell me where the hell I am?

Know who would win Gold in archery hands down? Legolas.

Bet you all thought I'd say me. Hey, even I know that the elf is better than me. Too bad he's not here too. We could have a pretty badass archery club then.

I might as well.

( Don't expect any earth-shattering revelations. )

This isn't where I was assigned.

Can someone come and get me? I am in the desert, and I am rather stuck at the moment.

I got laid, twice.

I fucking LOVE this honestly thing!

Tony, I know this probably isn't very fair to take advantage of this situation, but I figure it's probably the only way I'll get a straight answer out of you. Ever.

Do any of the following products actually exist: Toasteronis, Densaugios, Skittlebrau, Brawndo, Bot Munch cereal, Snappy Cracker Crunches, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Cosmic Cookies, Snicker Snax, Choc'o the Mornin, Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch, Cowboy Crunch'ems, and/or Fishtastic Toaster Tacos?

Does NC-17 really mean it's for people under the age of seventeen?

Did something called Prop 8 really make marriage mandatory for homosexual couples?

Is Star Trek really the true story of the founding of the space program? I've been meaning to watch it to see.

Is that Mitt Romney guy really a Doombot?

Does the E on that fiction site you found really mean the stories are for everyone? And does the little slash thing mean it switches point of view between two people?

If you take a gal on a date, do you really need to take her bowling so she knows you're interested? And get her a corsage to match her outfit? And call to ask what she's wearing so you can make sure you match?

I'm pretty sure grabbing someone's backside isn't actually a Nepalese greeting that's becoming really popular in the states, but I'll ask anyway. Is it?

Is Fox News really "brilliantly crafted political satire"?

Is Twilight an inspiring true story?

Do people really use Comic Sans exclusively?

Will citizens of the United States really be required by law to be fluent in Norwegian by 2024?

Was there really a war with Canada in the sixties?

Do you really need to say please and thank you to the toaster if you want it to cook your bread?

Is Men in Black really about a sister agency of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

I really feel like kind of a jerk asking you all these things, especially when you have to be honest, but I just don't know what to believe any more. And I don't get why you keep saying this stuff if it's not true. I mean, Jesus, it's hard enough adjusting to things when nothing makes sense and I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway, but it's worse when I'm not sure what to believe and what not to. I mean, I know you don't like me all that much, but I just thought we were getting past the awkward start, and now I'm not so sure. And I know I could probably look all of this up, but I'd just rather hear it from you.

I've received quite an overabundance of messages today, which I know aren't meant for me, considering anyone who would need to get in contact with me are all in The Sanctuary. When I was told that the PDAs malfunction at times, I didn't think it would be quite this often. Considering the nature of some of the text messages I received today, one would think that it is more than simply a coincidence and that Asaph is doing this purposely.

I have to admit that each morning when I've woken up, I've fully expected to look out the window and find that this last week has been a dream, because having Ashley back is far too good to be true. I'm also still adjusting to the idea of Nikola as a husband and father. It certainly isn't something I ever would have considered before.

I hope this isn't a source of great inconvenience for anyone, but I'm afraid I have a bit of a favor to ask.

Please refrain from mentioning me, my whereabouts, my presence, my identity, or even my name to (or in front of) anyone from who has recently appeared in town and appears to be from the 1940s. While I obviously couldn't prohibit any of you from conversing with them entirely, though I might like to, the possibility of a universe-ending paradox developing should any of these time travelers prematurely learn of my existence is of great concern to me. In the event that they retain any knowledge acquired here when they return to their own time, obviously, a very serious situation could develop.

This is particularly pertinent should anyone encounter a scientist named Howard. He's very opportunistic, exactly the sort who might accidentally steal industry secrets.

All the best,
Tony Stark

A high pitched, electronic, whine, designed to be painful to the ears, carries on for three seconds.

When the voice finally appears, its tones are grave, ripe with anger, and carry the weight of a man who may well have been at the end of his rope.

"Now that I have your attention. I want you all to listen very, very, carefully.

I am The Doctor, and some of you may know me already. Today, someone took me away from a world which needed me, they stole me away when a good man depended on me for his very life, I was given no reason, no explanation. Today, a good man was left frightened and scared, today, I gave up everything to do what had to be done. Today, some has made me very angry.

And here's the thing about me, something you'd have to know if you were going to take me anywhere, making me angry is the worst idea in the whole history of bad ideas - and if you're a person who's stupid enough to make an idea that bad, to take a man like me away from his world, I imagine you'd have a very serious interest in who I am what I do - and if you're a man who's so interested in who I am and what I do, I imagine you're listening - and that's just what I want.

I have been told your name is Asaph, and I have a message for you, for all of you, and I want you to pay very, very, close attention to what I have to say next.

I. am. coming. I will find you. Today, you have made a very big mistake."

The message ends.

Well, I had meant to go out for the evening, but as I think about it, a quiet night in sounds far more appealing. It's such a pleasant evening, and I have a great deal of reading that I've been meaning to catch up on. All work-related, I'm afraid. There's just so much to be done!

Would anyone else like a cup of coffee? (Decaf, of course. Wouldn't want to be up all night.) It seems I've made too much.

I've had a long day. Who wants to get drunk and play ten fingers?

( Filtered to Clint )

( Filtered to Natasha )

( Filtered to Tony, Thor, and Steve )

( Filtered to Loki )

Well, that was a real eye-opening experience.

I could still use a hand with a few things, but I'm feeling much better than yesterday. Sorry for the whole awkward public thing. If I could have filtered that shit, I would have.

( Bruce )

( Claire )

( Loki )

( OOC: Since Clint can't see right now, he's using voice recognition software that types what he says and reads back people's replies. )

( It's hard to tell at first what's going on. There's no speaking, just the sound of someone struggling to breathe evenly, and occasional quiet, pained sounds and wet coughs. When Clint finally manages to say something, it takes a few tries before he manages the words, and even then they're quiet and choked. He doesn't sound quite coherent. )

Talia? Natalia? Nat...I...please... Nat?