( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

Not counting when it happened back home, I'm beginning to lose count of just how many bloody times I've had my sodding mind wiped. I don't appreciate having my head played with, Freeman. Think it's possible that this could be the final time? Yeah, I know, falling on deaf ears.

I'm not sure how this happened, but apparently I like weapons - like a lot. They are all over this apartment that I woke up in. I guess they are mine. Nobody has come in and told me to get out. I also don't know why the Billy Idol look alike is here, and when I got into that. He is cute, in this older, kind of sexy sort of way. I'm also knocked up. This is not weight gain. Weird. Makes me wonder if Billy Idol did it? I feel like I should be on one of those weird talk shows 'Billy, you are the father!' UGH, so not needed.

Would someone like to explain what the hell is going on? I have no idea whose freak show apartment this is, but there are bags of blood in the refrigerator. I'm really sure that I don't live in Little House of Horrors.

(At first there is just unmistakable clinking of ice in a glass, and a drink being poured.)

Just when I was getting better when it comes to life here. Thanks, Morgan. Cheers, asshole.

(The ice clinks again, and nothing further)

Buffy?!

What the hell is going on?

This is most annoying. I am neither one for marriage or maternal.

Great. Wait until I have my guard down thinking nobody else is getting flipped around. Ha, ha, Asaph. I guess thanks for making me hot this time instead of like a drag queen version of myself.


[Filtered against the underaged]
So really, unless I missed something, why hasn't anybody suggested we try out these bodies while we have them? You know. For science.

Bloody seriously, Freeman? Couldn't have spared me again? Couldn't have at least turned me into a tall bird? Didn't think it was bloody possible for someone to be shorter than Buffy, but somehow I managed it! My coat is swimming on me and I don't even want to think about the sodding comments I'll get at the bar.

Okay. Morgan Freeman, we have to have a little talk, you and me.

I am girl. Now, I don't know what you know about girls, but we have vaginas. And breasts. We do not have penises, which I seem to have one right now. Not that I have anything against penises. I like penises, on men, which I am not supposed to be. Because I'm female, not male. I have a vagina, not a penis. Get it right.

[starts broadcasting partway through]

-- so remember, never ever climb up on a roof! Be patient and always wait for a responsible grown-up.

Here's your football back! Play safe, kids!

Someone want to tell me where the hell I am? Those knights or whatever they are weren't very helpful.

</s>Definitely not Beacon Hills. Or California. Unless someone drugged me and dragged me to some crack-out version of Disneyland. And if it is, I'm blaming Jackson, just because weird shit seems to follow him everywhere lately.</s>

I've managed to scrabble together a slower version of what I called my Imperceptor Vest (which shall need a new name), and if we can coordinate a suitable strategy, I can use it to outrun the "Weeping Angels". My thanks again to the young Miss Tesla for her brilliant calculation of what speeds must be reached.

I've also built a working prototype of my Heat-Ray. I'll need to mount it on a rooftop or a tower, or onto a suitable vehicle to use as a mobile weapon.

It could help save us, or it could burn down the entire city. Let's find out which, shall we?

I don't like psychotic robots. I'm just throwing that out there in case Morgan cares, which he doesn't.

The problem is not being able to really do anything about them. Is everyone staying safe?

It sucks missing everything. I was always invited to the party before.

Okay. So the magic shop might be a little...worse for wear.

There I was, minding my own business, when those little stupid evil coffee pot looking things decided to break in. Without even using the front door, which was extremely rude, of them, if you ask me. I mean, if you're going to break in to try and kill someone, at least have the decency to be polite enough to open the door, and not just break in through a window. Replacing those can be so expensive.

But, anyway. They started firing their lasers everywhere, and I had to take all the money out of the cash register and the safe while trying to avoid dying. Because been there, done that, don't feel like doing it again.

I did manage to activate one of the shield spells that Willow and Tara had as one of those "just in case" things. Which this obviously was. So the backroom should be safe. But I don't know if the spells will be strong enough to keep those annoying lasers of theirs out.

But before anyone says anything, yes, I'm fine. And so is the money.

Okay. The bowtie Doctor kinda could've given more details on the Daleks and the Cybermen. He was probably busy with, y'know, saving lives and things like that, but here.

Don't even bother wasting bullets (or arrows) on the Cybermen, unless you've got something that'll explode on impact or overload their electricity. And by the way-- they can and will electrocute you to death if they've decided not to convert you. It's very painful. If they capture you for conversion, do your best to escape. Get yourself killed in the attempt if you have to. It's better than being converted. If you find someone being converted or partially converted-- show some mercy and do them the favor of killing them. If you're in a last resort situation and somehow able to manage this, rip out the center of a Cybermen's chest. The thing with the "C" on it. That'll screw them up real good.

Daleks are bulletproof and use forcefields. They don't look like they could follow you on staircases, but they can hover, so stairs aren't an escape. If its forcefield is down and you shoot into its eyestalk, you might be able to blind it. That's about all you can do. All they want to do to you is kill you, and they will. Or convert you, too, which is another way of killing you. I wish I knew how to kill them. We're fucked.

These were totally surreal for me to watch, but here's even more detail:

• Cyberman
  
• Daleks

[The Doctor (bowtie), River Song]
Please tell me you're for some reason hiding bastic bullets in your TARDIS so we have even a tiny chance against the Daleks?

I'm not panicking, not something out of my worst nightmares, nope.

Okay, I'm normally not the sort of girl who goes all public with her problems, especially when it concerns my visions. But I just had something happen that's never happened before, and I'm hoping maybe someone out there knows why.

So. Anybody ever heard of someone having a vision then promptly forgetting the entire freaking thing? Because yeah, that just happened. To me. And things like that do not happen to me.

Oh! And feel free to ignore this, if you want, but I'm warning you all right now. If I can't figure out what I saw, I'm pretty sure it's going to mean bad news for everyone when it finally comes to pass. Just saying.

[ooc: takes place immediately after this.]

Hey Freeman! Stop jerking me around! Either I'm alive, and here, or I'm dead, back home. Make up your frigging mind already!

With that being said, I'm definitely glad to be back. Being dead kind of sucks. A lot.

So! Come on, people. Front and center. Who missed me?

Okay, Morgan Freeman, this back and forth is starting to get a little annoying. Just a little. I mean, at least have the decency to give me some advanced notice, or something. You're a god. I'm sure it's not too hard for you to the great void where dead people okay and say "Hey Anya, I'm bringing you back to Colligo this week. Is that acceptable?". It's not like I'd say no or anything. Being dead, I don't really have any plans going on or anything.

Nice to be back, though.

How long have we been back to normal? Two weeks? Shit

I've been playing around with whatever this place decided to give me. I'm still not entirely sure what it is, but if anyone has teleportation and indestructibly that they would like to claim, give me a shout.

Also, it seems to have come with a taste for extremely rare meat. So if anyone would like to explain that, I would love it.

If there's one thing I forgot about being human, it's how bloody lethargic food makes you. Buffy made so much bloody food that it's been leftovers since Thursday and I can feel my sodding arteries clogging.

If it's possible, I'm also extremely antsy, but have to remind myself that if I go tangle with any baddies then I'll probably just wind up getting myself killed.

So since I can't seem to kick undead ass right now, it's a few days until Thanksgiving.

Who wants to come for dinner?

Willow, Tara, I am not taking no for an answer. Sookie, Melinda, are you in?

Anyone else?

Spike, you are helping. No is not allowed from you either.

If I'm a vampire now, do I have to be evil? Or can I be a good vampire? I'm not sure which vampire universe I'm from. I'm pretty sure it's not Buffy, because I appear to be able to read people's minds and alter their thoughts. But I know I'm not a twilight vampire, because I appear to respond poorly to sunlight. And I have a ring that seems to fix the sunlight problem, which is something Spike had in Buffy season 4. Do I currently have a soul? And if not, can i get one through a complex redemptive arc? Would I have to be cursed?

New information suggests that I may be a Vampire Diaries vampire. More as the story unfolds.

Again? Are you kidding me, Uncle?! How many times are you going to make me human before you realize I GET IT NOW?

I have to say, I really did miss this crazy city while I was away. It is definitely good to be back.

[ooc: in accordance with the current plot, ashley is arriving much like a returning character on a soap opera. this means that she essentially just left town, with no forwarding address or even any goodbyes, and is now coming back, probably with memories of stuff that happened while she was away that she'd rather forget, much like the majority of characters on most soap operas have done at some point or another.]

(not locked at all because Sookie is not very electronically savvy)

This Halloween has been so weird. I saw some zombies... They didn't attack me, but I saw them from far away and didn't go after them. I have never seen any zombies before, so that was new. Work's been crazy busy, but I like that, it keeps me able to just focus on the work. I am hoping that as soon as the holiday is passed, things will quiet down....

Anyone up for hanging out? Melinda? Buffy?

Well, this is...better than being held prisoner under the guise of being kept as a guest, I suppose. [ pause ] If, by better, I mean exactly the same.

I- Vaguely remember being here before. [ pause ] But I think it has been awhile...in many respects. [ very, very long pause ] For one thing, I don't remember...whatever those shuffling, rotting creatures populating the streets are called being here before.

[ nervous ] Uh. Are they- Are they all right to kill? Because they're coming towards me.

Last night I ran into zombies. They weren't quite what I'm used to, but they are not zombies anymore. That felt good. Maybe they will stick around.

I am really glad things are back to normal and we aren't living in that huge warehouse. The big sleepover was getting tiring.

( Justin and Sookie )

( Malkolm )

( Spike )

Never know what you'll find when you're out for a walk.

For example, I was out this evening, and I stumbled across Lucifer. And he was all dead.

Looked like he'd been mauled by a mountain lion. That then decapitated him. Gotta love those decapitating mountain lions.

Just sorry something beat me to it.

So, who wants a burger? I could go for a burger.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sick and bloody tired of sitting around, waiting for answers. So I'm going to go steal a car and blow this sodding popsicle stand. Wish I could say it's been fun but, no actually I don't.

Anyone else who wants to leave, you've got five minutes and it's first come first serve.

Well, that was something. I'm not entirely sure I enjoy remembering my youthful attitude more vividly than faded memories can serve. But it was enlightening, at least.

[ Filtered to Claire ]
Thank you. You needn't continue to make the endeavors you do for me, whatever state I am in, but I appreciate them all the same. Assure Dean I will be back to work first thing tomorrow.

[ Filtered to Barton ]
I presume we are never speaking of our conversation to anyone. Ever.

All the same, you didn't have to tolerate my curiosity like that, particularly given the way I decided to express it, much less... I suppose it was easier to be nice to me when I was technically wearing a different face.

( Voice Post )

Well I'm not against spending a weekend in an exotic location but this is not what I would have in mind.

(annoyed sigh)

Hello? Who else is on this? Buffy?

[there's a short thud and then the sound of some scrambling around on the ground.]

Hey uh dude, look I don't know what's going on but could you just.. y'know back the heck

[there's an unearthly kind of growl, followed by Faith screaming and scrambling back as fast as she can]

Oh my god what the heck is wrong with your face?

[after that there's a bunch of sounds of violent struggling, and Faith yelling as loud as she can for help. With one more large thump, as if someone got kicked, there's now the sound of running and breathing very heavy. It continues on for quite a ways]

Oh god oh god oh god oh god.

Happened by the magic shop on my way home this morning and it occurred to me that Asaph's 'lets make friends' project is counter productive when he sends back, not one, but four of my bloody friends! What's the sodding point in having friends here if Freeman is just going to send them home in bulk when you can't even see them? Suppose it's only a matter of time before Tara, Uber Vamp and G.I. Jane get the ole heave hoe. He'd better think twice before touching Buffy.

I'm me. It's about time one of reindeer games missed me. I really didn't want to play this time. It seems like one thing after another lately. I much prefer hunting zombies and other dead things.

[Tara]
Are you okay? I'm sorry to hear about Willow.

September of 2012. Possibly one of the most confusing moments of my entire childhood, and younger!me gets a convenient replacement at the last possible moment. Well played, Freeman. Well played.

( Filtered to Nikola Tesla, Kate Tesla, and Skylar Adams. )

Kitty?

[the young girl's voice is groggy and slightly confused]

What're you- [a pause as she realizes what's going on; there's the sound of scrambling about and blankets being tossed] Kitty! Wake up! I'm back 'gain!

[muffled footsteps can be heard running across the room, away from the pda; a door opens then there's silence; a few seconds later, the footsteps can be heard running back into the room and there's a very distinct meow that is suspiciously know-it-all sounding]

Oh, hush, Kitty. I 'membered the silly phone, see? Sheesh. [random button smashing] Oh. It's 'ready on. Huh.

[the girl's voice is suddenly very close to the pda speaker]

Hello? Daddy? Uncle James? Uncle Nik'la? Somebody can hear me, right?

I... [ long silence ] Father? Mother? [ slightly uncertain ] Thor, if this is some cruel revenge for my earlier games, it is in poor taste. And [ trying his best not to sound at all unsettled ] not at all effective. Get whatever Enchantress you persuaded to assist to drop this illusion. Now. [ pause ] If you do not... If you do not... I will be forced to tell mother in the morning!

[ long silence filled with increasingly panicked breathing ] Thor?

Boooooooooored! Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored!

[ rather intense whine, like a petulant child who hasn't gotten his way ] Why'd you have to go and take most of my friends? I've only got so many people that actually like me. [ pause ] Not that fear and abhorrence aren't great in the right situations, but this? This whole place? Not one of those situations.

Got that?! And yes, I'm just going to keep on because I know you can hear me, Uncle, and this has to be much more annoying than people replying to that stupid little post that you sent out. [ starts singing Highway to Hell at the top of his lungs ]

I have to say, it certainly makes it interesting, trying to treat patients and having them yelp whenever you and invisible staff members #1 and #2 have near misses in colliding with one other as far as their vision is concerned. And by interesting, I mean irritating.

Anyone not a part of Torchwood, or an individual who's shacked up with the Doctor interested in taking on some temporary nursing duties so that I'm not just on my own with Petrelli here?

Not that there's anything wrong with you, Pete. Promise. You're a doll. You're a flower. You're just not someone I can boss around.

Greetings Colligo,

Newsflash, everyone, none of you are special snowflakes. I know some of you have probably been told all your lives that you are, but guess what? You're not. You can all whine all you want, but I'm not going to change things for you just because you want it.

Suck it up and deal. Maybe make some new friends outside your own reality. Whatever you do, stop bitching like it's going to change anything.

XOXO,
Asaph

EDIT: PS - Parker's my favorite. Suck it, everyone.

I never thought I'd be happy to not have Owen or Thomas here but, right now, I really am.

( Filtered to Damon & Caroline )

( Filtered to Elijah )

Ugh. This is so stupid. Seriously Uncle Asaph? Fucking seriously?

I just got here and you have to make it so I can't see ninety percent of the people I can actually tolerate. The other ten percent are Claire, Steph and Raven, just in case anyone was going to get their hopes up.

And to top it all off, we've got a metric fuckton of Norse gods since I was here last time.

Had to be the fucking Norse. And one of them has my name. Actually two of them. Two.

At least it's not Baldr. Fucking Baldr. Fuck that guy. Seriously. Fuck him. He's like the goddamn Ant-Man of the Norse gods.

( Illyria sounds pissed off )

How dare he! How dare this Asaph strike at me in this manner!

( a wordless, enraged sound )

How dare he push me aside and let that fragile mortal shell reassert itself even temporarily.

It is an outrage! It is insolence in its purest form.

I will rip apart this so-called god should I ever see him.

I could be really stressed out about Asaph's little bit of fun until I went back to see what I missed. OMG that was hilarious. I just wish I could have seen the look on Spike's face. I can picture it but there is nothing like the real thing.

Sometimes it's easy to forget this is a real city.

Then a douchebag picks a fight in a bar and I remember.

I miss the days when a marine tag would be enough to make a guy second guess that sort of stupidity.

( Tasha )
You back yet?

What's going on?

Wesley? Angel? Charles? Lorne? Spike?

Harmony even?

Not again. Please not again.

What is this place? I mean, it's obviously some sort of parallel dimension, but I've never seen one where they gave you phones or anything like that.

( OOC: Illyria is Fred for the tail end of the plot. )

[As the PDA switches on a door opens and the sound footsteps can be heard on carpet. A moment later there’s the sound of the PDA being set down and rustling as clothes are removed and tossed on the floor. This is all followed by the sound of sheets rustling and what sounds like someone sliding across the mattress]

[When Spike speaks, his voice is low, partly because he’s turned away from the PDA on his nightstand.] Buffy, love, are you asleep or are you doing that thing where you pretend you’re asleep?

[Buffy yawns, followed by small sounds of someone still mostly asleep.] Not right now. I was out late. {another yawn} I won’t die if I miss first period.

[Pause] Either you're playing games with me or having some sodding dream. Never realized you were one to talk in your sleep. Then again, we won't get that much bloody sleep.

[Loud gasp followed by lots of rustling of sheets] MOM, DAD someone’s in my room. [more rustling] Stay away from me. Don’t touch me. Who are you? Some naked Billy Idol wanna-be! Get out of my room!

What the bloody...[There's a short pause before what sounds like skin hitting skin as Spike literally face-palms] Of course. couldn't let us be, could you, Freeman.

[Sheets rustle as Spike gets out of bed, followed by a bit more rustling as he slips into his nearby jeans]

Okay, listen. Joyce...your mum isn't here and neither is your dad. You're not yourself right now and I'm not going to hurt you.

Oh my God, I’m... [pause] Look Billy, the 80’s music is so in, but that look is a so NOT in. I would never take someone like you home, so you need to go before you get caught. Following girls home from parties is not cool at all, and if you mention this at school - oh my God what will my friends say - but if you tell them, then I will tell them that you are three inches and completely awful, so don’t try it. You’ll need more than just a better haircut.

[More rustling, mumbling to herself while drawers open]As if! I’m a cheerleader. I’ll be with you on the fifth of NEVER! This has got to be a nightmare, that’s it. I’ll turn around and he’ll be gone. I’m never drinking again. [Drawers slam, rustling]

Why are you still here? My life is sooooo ruined.

[Spike groans] This would be so much more amusing if it were happening to Johnny or Owen. Right, a cheerleader. Bloody fantastic. Before you got all bloody chosen. [He sounds as if he’s talking to himself more than to Buffy]

Lets try this again. We’re not in California. We’re not even on bloody earth. This is another planet called Colligo and we’re being toyed with my a god who looks like sodding Morgan Freeman. My name is Spike and normally you’re not quite so valley girl. There are people here, your friends, who can confirm everything I just said. [There’s a short pause] And another thing. No one would believe that I’m only three inches or awful, so good luck.

[Buffy huffs and slams a drawer] This is soooooo wrong. I'll never skip again. So Billy, or Spike, or whoever you are, why are there boy clothes in this dresser, and how can we be on some other planet? Everyone is going to burst through the door and laugh their asses off. This isn't even my room.

[Spike sighs] Because those are my clothes. Yours are in that dresser and the closet. And no one knows exactly why we're on another bloody planet. And no one is gonna come in here laughing, because this isn't candid bloody camera, Sl...Buffy. As mental as it is, this is real life.

It's your room here. This is our apartment.

[Another heavy, dramatic sigh, stomping, drawers opening] So this is another planet. I live with you, and we {facepalm} - you are kind of cute, but not like most boys I know. I might be friendlier if you went for some frozen yogurt with chocolate and gummy bears.

[Spike's voice is a bit louder as he moves closer to where the PDA is] It's after bloody midnight. Frozen yogurt is out of the question. [Spike's voice is even louder as he picks up the PDA] I need to call...of course this bloody thing would be on. [A sigh] Red, Tara, Johnny, anyone, if you'd stop with the inevitable giggle fits, I'd appreciate some help....

( the sounds of a struggle )

Unhand me. ( more struggling ) Unhand me! ( a loud crash of metal, then spoken loudly, in an offended tone ) You think your metal soldiers can harm me? Your arrogance would be amusing, were it not so insulting!

( the sound of the doors to the library opening )

This is wrong...this place is wrong.

( shouted, though not at the PDA )

What is the meaning of this? What fool dares to play at imprisoning me? Such offense will not be tolerated.

I will tear out your entrails and feed them back into your mewling mouths until you choke.

I don't know how you broke into my lab and, right now, I don't care. But you have exactly one minute to stop this crap and let me go or, I swear to you, I will blow this little illusion of yours right off the map. Myself included, if it comes to that.

The countdown starts now.

[ooc: everyone, meet zoe tesla from the same dark!au! as jack and meri winchester. be afraid. be very afraid. ♥]