( colligo ¬ get collected ) → network.

We're having a girl.

{filtered; Claire}
I find it hard to believe I've done anything worse than offend you with my personality and yet you continue to hate me as if I'm personally responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened. We've spoken what? Twice? I hardly hate you. I don't even know you.

I hate pretty much everyone here. It's not anyone's fault, it's just a fact.

Everything here is so fucking normal, bullshit like this aside, that I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning to face it. The normality should be a relief, but I hate it because I don't know how to be normal. I never was, even before the world went to hell in a handbasket. And trying just doesn't work for me. It's easier to get shitfaced and shoot up and just not give a fuck, because caring hurts too much and it doesn't do anyone any good anyway.

I was an angel of the Lord. I saw amazing and horrible things for thousands of year. I was more than I am and I miss it more than most of you can possibly understand. Just living hurts because I'm not what I was and I lost so much. Everything I was...it was ripped out of me. I lost everything, and I want nothing more than to have that back. But I also hate what I was, because I was just a complete dick who really didn't give a damn or understand human pain. And now I understand and it just completely sucks. And all the other angels just fucked off and I hate angels for that, so the ones here who want to "help" just make me want to punch them in the face because where the fuck where they when the world was burning and I had the blood of infected kids on my hands.

I don't want pity. That's not what this is about. Pity is a load of useless bullshit and anyone who pities me can go fuck themselves. I'm not the shiny angel me that's here and I never will be. And those of you who want me to be or think that's what I want or need or that I'd somehow be better if I was more like him...fuck you all. I'm not Castiel. I'm just Cas. I'm just a fucked up druggie, stoner human. Even if I do want to be an angel again, I don't think I'd ever do it, because it's like saying fuck you to five years of my life and all the people who died because Heaven fucked off and left them.

I miss Dean more than anything. He was everything to me. He was my purpose and my reason and he's the only thing that kept me from putting a bullet in my brain when the effort of just breathing got to be too much. I Fell for him. I became human for him. I fucking died for him. And most of you just acted like he was a messed up version of the nice normal Dean who needed to be fixed. Well he didn't. He was the best man I've ever known and I would die for him a hundred times. And now that he's gone, you're acting like you knew him and you cared and you just fucking didn't. There's some of you who did and this isn't directed at you. But the rest of you can stow the bullshit sympathy.

Sam, I'm sorry, but looking at you makes me want to throw up. I know you're you, and I don't blame you for anything. But every time I see your face I see Lucifer. I see the thing that destroyed the two people who mattered most to me. I see the being that destroyed the world. I'm trying to get past it, but it's hard, and I'm sorry. I don't know if I ever will, but I hope I do because I missed you for five years.

Jade...if you ever get taken from this place, I'll probably just kill myself and be done with it. It scares me how much I need you in my life, but I'm so glad I found you here. You're the only person who completely understands me. Even Dean didn't, because he could never know what I lost. You do, because you lost it too. You put up with my bullshit and you don't judge me and you're the only one here I consider family. So don't ever leave, okay? I need you here more than I'll ever be able to put into words. I almost wish I could be in love with you, because I feel like life would be so much easier that way. Also? We're out of milk but I'm way too stoned to get up and go buy some.

Parker, this honesty is making me uncomfortable and I like you better than pretty much anyone but Jade. Also sex is my way of coping with the difficulties in life, which I mostly picked up from Dean, and now it's pretty much my only way of dealing that doesn't involve heavy drugs and alcohol. So, want to have some?

Ah, compulsion. It really should have been made a Vice on its own standing.

( Filtered to Castiel )

People around here always talk about back home and how much they want to return. They wonder about their loved ones and their lives that they left behind.

I don't.

The fact is, I don't want to leave Colligo. Even if I had a choice, I'd choose no. I've made a life here that I really love and I don't want to give any of it up just to go back to a life that I wasn't all that happy with in the first place. And I don't really care that it makes me shallow or petty, or a horrible person. I'm happy here and I don't want to leave. Ever.

( Filtered to Noah Bennet )

( filtered to Mitchell and George )

I hate being human. I hate being severed from Heaven. I hate having to guess at new arrivals instead of simply knowing, as I once did. I hate having to create an entirely separate identity for myself because the thought of using the name given to me by my Father is something I can't stomach. I never knew what hate was. For thousands of years, I observed humanity. I protected it. Yet I never understood and, now that I do, I find myself wishing I never had.

There are times when I honestly wonder if Lucifer was right in his hatred of all of you, because you all have been given a wondrous gift in the form of my Father's love and most of you refuse to acknowledge He even exists despite the fact that He walks amongst us all in this very place. All that is asked of you is to believe in Him and, in return, you'll get to see the one place I may never see again. Yet instead of that, you're petty and vengeful, demanding proof instead of having faith, and slaughtering your fellow humans because their opinions don't line up with your own.

And no, this isn't directed at all of you, but at least some of it applies to the fair majority. Which is why I keep my interactions limited and is why I will likely keep doing the same. Because the fact remains that my unwilling addiction to drugs is preferable to interacting with anyone who would take what you've been given for granted.

( Filtered to Gabriel )

( Filtered to God )

I miss daddy and James and sometimes grandma even though she smells like feet and apricots and I like jello but not the green kind because this one time a boy at the playground put some in my hair. I don't want to go to school because I wanna stay home with mommy because I don't want her to go away again.

I want ice cream.

( Dad )

( Sam )

( Adam )

( Ben )

I'm scared I'm going to suck as a mom. My mom died when I was fourteen and I miss her so much, and after that Buffy was sort of barely around for a long time. I don't know how to be a mom and I'm afraid that this kid is going to suffer for it. I miss Buffy a lot, but...I don't want to go back, anymore. I'm starting to have a family here.

I'm a thief. I'm the best thief there is. I like stealing things and I really like stealing things from people who deserve it. I like helping people by stealing things for them, especially if they had it stolen from them by somebody that's more of a bad guy than I am.

I blew up my foster parents' house when I was little because the guy was a jerk who took my stuffed bunny and wouldn't give it back. He told me to be a good girl or a better thief. I chose the second one.

I took the Hope Diamond once, because I was bored, and then I put it back because I felt bad. I had myself buried alive once because I was afraid of the dark. I'm not normal and I don't want to be normal. Being normal scares me. I don't like chick flicks and I think Thelma and Louise were the worst criminals ever and deserved to fall off that cliff. I like sex and don't like lying and I eat fortune cookies as a meal sometimes because they taste good and the little fortunes make me laugh.

And even with how screwed up I am, I still think I'm more well-balanced than most of you because I didn't need a stupid compulsion to say any of that because lies are bad, people worry too much about what others think, and if you're keeping something that important from someone you care about, you ought to be ashamed.

I used to wish I was normal.

I would spend hours when I was younger trying to shut it off, trying not to notice the things no one else seemed to, purposefully dismissing them just so I wouldn't be the 'freak', but it was maddening. I could pretend all I wanted to, but I couldn't shut that part of my brain off. So I decided if I couldn't stop myself from being a freak, I would put it to use. But it's amazing how little someone is willing to listen to a child on matters of importance.

So instead I tried to dull it. I always told Mycroft the drugs were because I was bored. And they were, but they also helped to block out the world, haze it over so I didn't have to deal with the utter monotony of the people around me. Even at University, everyone was so dreadfully dense, and they treated me as though I were some kind of circus sideshow. It was unbearable.

If it hadn't been for my brother's constant intervention, my own intense urge to defy his expectations, and Inspector Lestrade's eventual willingness to listen to my theorizing, I probably would have been dead in the gutter before I hit twenty-five.

And it's only recently that I've begun to think that it is actually better that I didn't.

( Morgana )

As a child, it was easy to believe grown-ups were just dumb and that I could truly make a difference in the world. I thought I could make it better, so demons and angels wouldn't be able to keep messing with everyone.

Now, as I get older and I see just how terrible some people can be, and how hypocritical most humans are, I've started to wonder if I should have just done what was expected of me when I was younger. Yes the world would have been doomed but at least all of this absolutely ridiculously petty bickering wouldn't constantly be clogging up everything, either.

And I hate the fact that I feel that way. I do. But I also hate the fact that I don't want to stop feeling that way either as it's the only time I can really remember what it feels like to fully embrace who I am instead of continuing along being this person that I'm not even meant to be.

I want to go home. I want to go to Ealdor, and pretend I didn't have this destiny. It's terrifying and too much.

I have done so much that I'm not proud of, and even choices that I think are right seem wrong some how. I've killed people. I've protected people I shouldn't. Protecting Mordred had seemed natural, it was right. He's just a boy who can't help having magic any more then I can, but he'll murder Arthur one day.  The dragon warned me about him and I didn't listen, just like when he warned me about Morgana. I should have told her the truth to start with, maybe it would've been different, but I thought it would be - Gaius told me not to. Then when she went off with Mordred... She's my friend, and I care about her - But back home I'm afraid of who she'll become, of what she'll do.

I set loose the dragon that attacked Camelot. It was wrong of it to hurt innocent people, but I understand why - That's part of why I let it go. Arthur didn't kill it. He was knocked out, and I told Kilgharrah to leave. I couldn't be responsible for killing the last of its kind.

I hate that I have to keep protecting Uther for Arthur's sake. Uther would have me killed without second thought. Uther is the reason my father left, he hunted him, tried to have him killed because his abilities were too close to magic. I was only able to spend two days with my father before I had to watch him die, and he wouldn't have if I hadn't convinced him to come back to help protect Camelot. I wonder how many others continue to lose their families because Uther hates them for a magic they were born with. All because of one sorceress - because Nimueh didn't tell him the cost. You can't murder an entire group of people just because a few are evil, king or not. But I know what it feels like to lose a parent, and I couldn't let Arthur go through that...

Most of all, I hope the stories here are wrong about me, even though so much of them seems to be right. Being trapped in an enchanted tree of all things seems like my best choice because at least it will be near the lake with Freya. I hope more then anything that I'm not actually immortal because I don't think I could live with myself forever. Not if things end up like I think they will.

This isn't Coruscant. Not even close.

What in the kriff is going on?

Yes, if you have not figured it out, it is something I have done to Uther that has allowed him to see his wife everywhere he turns. It is the least he deserves actually. Everyone seems to claim that I am the one in the wrong and yet he is the one who has slaughtered thousand of innocents in revenge for something he did himself. Why should I allow a man who has killed my kind live a happy life? 

I am sick of you all trying to turn my only blood against me. Morgana deserves to reach the potential she can reach without those who call themselves her friends holding her back. She could be the most powerful witch and yet because of your fear of something like that, placed within you because of Uther, she is unable to learn what she wishes to learn.

One day. One day you will regret it.

( Serpent )

( Father )

( Jade )

( Adam, Ben, Molly, Jude )

( Claire )


In all honesty, the vast majority of you give me a headache and I dearly wish you would all shut the fuck up about your problems. This may be uncharitable, but it is true.

I actually find it quite hilarious how the lot of you continually underestimate me. Please do some research. It is not so difficult.

I cannot stay here. I have to return to Tatooine. I have to look after Luke, even if Lars and his wife think I'm crazy. I have to return. I have to sleep, I'll be useless if I don't sleep and just rely on the Force to keep me going. I have no idea why I'm even here in the first place.

I have tried to leave a number of times and I keep ending up in that kriffing library.

I cannot stay. Even if the thought of a place free of Sidious and Vader's grasp is more than tempting, I cannot stay.