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Talk about a headache.

Those quick trips back need to come with a fuck futzing warning label or something.

Nobody should ever experience three years in...shit has it really only been two hours? Because that's messed up.

spysassin house.

Tell me nobody panicked and set the fridge on fire.

laura.

You and the kids okay?

And how do you feel about maybe adopting a twenty-one year old war orphan with brain powers whose brother died saving my sorry ass hide?

wanda.

You still around, witchy?

How are you holding up?

Well isn't this quaint.

Okay.

Does someone want to explain what the hel heck is going on here? Because I just had a pissy midget tell me that this is a some kind of small town fairytale bullshit mess?

My wife is going to kill me

It's probably not normal to have step one of this process being making new social networking but HOW CAN I NOT. This place is super Instagram-able. I never was really good at the whole camping thing, but whatevs. I'll make do.

Also super honored to be fictional or whatever. I mean, if you're with the likes of Captain America or Iron Man, it can't be all that bad, right? I'll just shelf away my mental breakdown and identity crisis to the side for now. Hi I'm Darcy!

Glad the weather's starting to get good and warm. The summer garden's starting to come in really well. Reminds me of the farm on a much smaller scale.

laura.

How are you settling in?

I was wondering if you might want to have dinner. I think it might be good to spend a little time together. Nat's willing to watch the baby for a couple hours. I just really want to see you.

This is certainly very strange.

Steve? Natasha? The man who claimed to be a dwarf from Snow White said you were here.

[OOC: Definite spoilers for Age of Ultron in the comments.]

Okay, I'm not saying this is anyone's fault, but I'm pretty sure it might actually be Tony Stark's fault. Or Thor's. That trans-galactic travel could be trans-dimensional, right?

Anyone care to disagree?

Okay. This was... not what I was expecting?

Since I'm going to be here for awhile, I should start looking for some form of employment.

I think... maybe we should just leave the blanket fort up. Like permanently.

Well, I can cross magical portals to Maine off of things S.H.I.E.L.D never prepared me for.

At least the lobster here is good. That's one thing Maine can always be counted for.

I'm Phil Coulson, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I heard my team was here.

I don't know whether to be angry or just unsurprised. No. Angry. I'm definitely still angry. Of course those cheating sons of bitches won. I wouldn't be surprised if they paid Wilson to take a dive. Though it seemed like the entire Seahawks team was taking stupid pills by the end of it, so it might have just been a case of collective idiocy. The Pats shouldn't have made it this far anyway. Them and their sanctified asshole of a quarterback and dirty dealing coach. That whole outfit is crooked. But what the hell do you expect to come out of Boston?

( Clint (MCU) )

Are you busy right now?

So, fairytales.

I can work with that. It's better than being dead. Always imagined when I finally got my ticket punched I'd be met by Izzy who'd punch me in the face. Not looking forward to an afterlife lecture of all my screwups since the accident. Glad I could push that back.

Anyway, where can a bloke get a beer?

Fairy tales? Really?

[Filtered to SHIELD]
A guy who said he's a dwarf said some of you are on the ground here?

Thanks a lot, internet. Now a certain archer and I can't pretend we've shared a failed marriage full of snark, pranks on other people, and a mutual appreciation of certain men.

So, sorry this is late but I was recently traumatized by about four thousand different things, not least of which being the fucking alien god who doesn't know how to go about making friends, hint not mind control, but it's time to extend the yearly invitation to the Barton-Romanoff Secret Agent Thanksgiving Dinner. Dinner being used in the loosest sense of the word. Also, Thanksgiving. For our purposes, those words mean vodka, Chinese takeout, and poker. This will all be taking place at the Clint Barton Home for Wayward Failboats and Spysassins, and possibly in a giant blanket fort depending on the varied emotional states of the household that day. SHIELD attendance is mandatory. Other people we know are welcome, including significant others of SHIELD people and their angry Jewish and/or Jersey friends. Loki, if you try to come, someone will set you on fire. Other Loki, I don't mean you. You and Steph are fine. If anyone in the house has anyone they want added to the no invite list, speak now, or speak later, whenever's cool.

We probably have enough room for everyone. There are cats, so mind your allergies. We will have all the eggrolls, they're basically the equivalent of stuffing anyway. When I say all the egg rolls, I mean it. Grant is ridiculous and we love him. Feel free to bring extra takeout if you want. And extra blankets in case of expansion.

So, last year I was pretty neglectful about the holidays. I had just gotten here and had recently been kidnapped by a mad man so I'd like to think my grandmother would forgive me for not properly celebrating Hanukkah.

That being said I'm going to try very hard to cook a traditional dinner and celebrate it the way I would at home. Would anyone like to join me?

So I guess I should probably get caught up on...life. Or something. Do I even still have a job?

Fuck, I forgot how much being an adult sucks when you have to sort out life-altering shit. I need to clean out his stuff Or put it in storage And work out the job thing Kitty probably didn't fire me

( friends and family )

Sorry about that, guys. I wasn't really myself, but I still feel bad about being a dick. And stabbing Ward.

I'm me now though. 100%. So...that's good.

And hey, Jasper. Glad you're not evil. Sorry I was brainwashed, again, when you got here.

( casa del spysassins )

So...to get it out of the way, I'm not fine.

But honestly, that's mostly to do with the whole Loki bullshit. I'm not happy that Phil is gone, it hurts, but I'm accepting it, and that's pretty much the best I can do.

I'd be down for a blanket fort and some takeout soon though.

( regina )

Thanks. I really mean it. I owe you a lot.

( loki )

If you ever come near me again, I'll kill you.

[Clint Barton (MCU)]
You. Me.

Cabin in the woods.

Now.

Promise I'm not going to kill you or do anything that would come out of a horror story. But I have vodka. I know what you're going through. I need someone to come drink it.

Private to Clint
If you are A. Doing something stupid. or B. About to do something stupid, please let me know so I can either stop you or join you.


There isn't enough vodka for this town.

Storybrooke is far more amusing than I had thought possible.

Okay. Best of a really weird sudden cold snap.

Snowball fight? I call Fitz and Clint for teams.

( spoilers for agents of s.h.i.e.l.d. )

Because I've already heard at least two dozen, this is a common post to house all future bird and wing related puns, hair related puns, questions about feather softness, and anything else.

Yes, they're soft. No, there are no eggs. Yes, we have heard that pun. It doesn't matter what it is. We have heard it.

Rogers, you around? Because I gotta ask.

I'm going to preface this by saying Barnes is an asshole and can't be trusted.

Did you guys really fight Nazi dinosaurs? Because I feel like more people would have heard about that.

Also, I can fly, motherfuckers!

Tomorrow from noon till 6 pm, I will be in my office. If you have any questions, concerns, complaints, etc that you would like to air in person, my door will be open to hear them. After 6 pm, I'm afraid I won't be as readily available for a few more weeks as I've taken personal time.

Clint Barton

What are your plans for tomorrow?

Phil Coulson

I'll be in my office no later than 11 am tomorrow if you're still interested in relocating to a house.

Emma and Neal

Congratulations

I had a dream once where I woke up in some town full of wacky characters....but that was because I dropped a house on some green girl's sister and everyone called me Dorothy.

I'm getting the feeling that this over the rainbow trip isn't quite the same thing.

Well, the way I see it, there's only one appropriate response to all the super powerful people suddenly not having powers.

Paintball tournament.

Hey Tash.

You know how people are always like "If we get arrested, you're deaf and I don't speak English"?

We could do that.

To all our teenaged residents, consider this an official reminder that high school classes pick up for the year on the second. Also a reminder that superpowers, fangs, claws, robots, guns, and pets aren't allowed in the halls. Also gum.

[Locked to Nick Fury & Melinda May]
I blame you both for the hangover I had for what felt like a year, just so you know. But for the record, Clint found another home for the baby and we'll revisit the topic later.

Nick, if somehow this town manages to swap Clint into a female and knock her up, I am blaming you, and I will murder you, somehow. Nothing personal.
[/Nick & Melinda]

[Locked to Spysassin Home]
Why did I not rebel against the idea of running a high school full of superpowered teenagers and just go live in the woods?

Well, since I've finished Sam's wings just in time for his real ones to show up...

Who would like to try them? He said he's fine with me letting others use them. Though I'm not supposed to let Bucky if Sam is flying that day. Something about letting him tear his new ones apart?

Also I've been thinking of finding a place to teach a class on robotics. Would anyone be interested?

Hey Fitz. Fitz. Hey. Hey Fitz. Fitz. Fitz.

If you and Roy are sleeping together, does that make you friends with benefitz?

Clinton Francis Barton, you are officially no longer allowed to tease me about crying at Disney movies. I mean, who cries over a youtube video that's not a puppy trapped in a sewer grate or kittens being rescued from a well?

From what I could see, those were two attractive, well dressed people just talking to each other. What could be so upsetting about that? And don't tell me you had something in your eye. The only thing you had in your eye were tears.

I need to get out more.

Is there a place I can go dancing? People do that right? Dance? Who wants to come with me?

So, ah. What's a good way to ask someone out,,,? If you were going to do something like that. With someone. Of course with someone. I'd appreciate some ideas and everyone has a million of them and I'm tapped out.

It's nice having the entire team in one universe... attempting to function like normal people.

So, just curious, does the hardware store here sell sliding locks? I'm pretty sure someone's getting a lock for Christmas.

[Clint (MCU)]
Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill him and hide the body, because I'm failing to think of one other than you would want to do it yourself.

STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE ... so there's this portal? And it sucks people out of a thousand different dimensions and plops them into East Who-Gives-A-Damn Maine. And there's nothing to do but ... reconstitute, re-evaluate and re-form your life?

AHAHAHA, SO HILARIOUS.

Oh right. Hi.

I'm Skye.

So... I may have done something silly and asked Steve if he wants to spar with me sometime. Who wants to come along and make sure that 'sparring' with Captain America doesn't turn into 'trying to kill' Captain America? I'd really rather not almost kill him again.

Thanks again to everyone who came to the party, and helped Clint put it together. It was a nice surprise.

Consider any reports I was drunk and singing to be false, as a late birthday present.

Clint, two questions.

1. Why are there arrows in the freezer?
2. Is there any chance the arrows explode when you take them out of the freezer?

I should have done this a week ago or probably more but I suck at...everything

So, Phil's birthday is Tuesday and it's his 50th, so I wanted to do something for that. So, surprise party. Tuesday night. Over at the youth center for space. I talked to Kitty about it and she's fine with letting us use it for the night. I'm going to convince Phil we're going to dinner, just us. Kitty's going to call him with a reason he needs to stop by the center first. He'll say yes because he's Phil.

Everyone should be there around 6:30 to be safe, earlier if you want to help prep. Bring a dish if you want. I'll be getting Phil there about 7. I just really want to do something nice for him.

Oh! And no age jokes.

EDITED TO ADD: Also, if anyone has problems with Grant being there, you can fuck right off and not come. He's going to be there and I am not kicking him out because some people can't get over their issues. He's trying. He's trying damn hard. The least you all can do is do the same and not make a bunch of fucking drama while I'm trying to do something nice for my goddamn husband. Are we clear?

( Barton-Coulson Home for Wayward Spysassins - plus Tony - minus Phil )

I could use your help setting everything up. I'd really appreciate it.

( MCU Steve )

I can do this it's for Phil I really hope you come. I know Phil would appreciate it.

Also I was kind of wondering if you'd maybe help with the decorations. I know you're good at art, and since Phil doesn't have his cards any more, I just figured it would be something personal for him.

( Pemberley Hart )

I know we aren't that great yet, but I figured we could get some practice doing some music at this. Plus I kind of wanted to do something for Phil and I'm a sappy asshole so I figured a song could be good. You guys in?

So. This might be a bit of an unorthodox suggestion, coming from me, but maybe another poker game, like we did months ago, would help smooth over some of the tension that's cropping up?

Everyone feel free to tell me this is an awful idea.

[ Filtered to Clint Barton (MCU) ]

You don't have to come, even if it happens.

Я не знаю, как держать в руках это

So I've been poking around this thing for a couple of days.

I can't say I understand how I got here and I can't get over the feeling that I have to make a mission report.

Uh. Hi? I'm Steve Rogers. Is there a manual?

So... yeah. I'm going to have to cancel my sparring sessions for awhile. Sorry. I'm just not feeling up to it right now.

Phil's gone. Again I hate everything I'm lighting his suits on fire in protest Or letting Katniss pee on everything he loves If he doesn't come back, I'm divorcing him

( Nat, Tony, Ward, Bucky, Darcy )

I need to drink until I don't feel feelings anymore.

So I haven't brought home a stray in at least two weeks and So I was thinking, Katniss has been really great for me. She's an awesome kitten and her grumpy face brings me joy.

So I got you a friend, Grant.

( Meet your new friend )

She seemed sad.

Plus she has three legs and one eye, so you could come up with a name that makes Bucky and Nick make faces. Which is a truly rare opportunity.

Also, Phil, we have another cat.

Well, since you didn't want to do this in person, Clint, and I didn't want to do it in someone else's post, I hope this is an acceptable middle ground. In response to your comment on Isaac's post:

( herein lies a very public apology and attempt at extending the olive branch )

Everyone is always bored or missing people on this thing. Including me. So screw it.

Top five people in town you'd sleep with. Everyone tell me theirs. (I don't care if they're married/dating/into the wrong gender/from a world where they're actually a rabbit. It doesn't have to make sense.)

No picking people who aren't here anymore, because then it's not as funny.