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( it cuts in on Peggy already speaking )

does look like one of Howard's infernal contraptions. How do I -

( there is a pause )

oh...there we go. I think it's already transmitting...

Howard? Mr. Jarvis? Hello? Can anyone hear this? Daniel?

Oh...bugger.

I never believed old Mrs. Cooper when she said be careful what you wish for. Maybe I should have.

Unless this is a dream. Am I dreaming?

Well, it certainly seems like I was brought back here just as things became interesting.

SHIELD senior staff + natasha.

Remind me that I'm not supposed to shoot Grant Ward in the face before I forget and decide to put a few holes in him.

Also, has Felix married his child bride yet?

Regina.

An election? That's new. You won't mind too terribly if I run, will you? Assuming previous time spent in this town counts toward the requirement.

But in any case, how are you?

Okay.

Does someone want to explain what the hel heck is going on here? Because I just had a pissy midget tell me that this is a some kind of small town fairytale bullshit mess?

My wife is going to kill me

[Filtered to Fury, Blake, Hand and I suppose Sitwell]

I know Nick has, but have the rest of you seen the latest arrival?

So, anyone want to spar? Shooting's all well and good, but (gasp! yes, Katie-Kate, I'm still me), but I could use a good workout.

Jess, you're not allowed. Whenever we spar, we just end up making out and nothing gets done. And now our son is traumatized

Volunteers? Anyone? I'm bored.

So, Anyone watching Phil's show?

Gotta say, I really never expected that from Gonzales.

So, the way I see it, there are two possibilities at work here.

Either the afterlife is much different than I ever anticipated.

Or, I survived, and Nick has me on the very good drugs.

Knowing that ass, it's the latter.

[FILTERED TO HIS FRIENDS]
Charles and I are moving in together. Before you start with the comments about me jumping into things and screwing up let me say two things. First, back home all my friends are dead or Phil and I'm in a coma. This is probably my only chance to have something good. Second, fuck off.
[/FILTERED]

Winter does eventually end here in Maine, right? One more kid hits me with a snowball and I'm going to start looking for places to lock them up.

Since I'm going to be here for awhile, I should start looking for some form of employment.

Well, I can cross magical portals to Maine off of things S.H.I.E.L.D never prepared me for.

At least the lobster here is good. That's one thing Maine can always be counted for.

I'm Phil Coulson, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I heard my team was here.

The last time I wound up in a strange new place I missed out on sixty-six years, give or take. I guess I should consider this an improvement. I appreciate all the orientation information but I was in the middle of something important I'd really like to get back to.

So, magic city comes with wi-fi. That updating fairy tale trend isn't gonna die off any time soon, is it?

A fairy nun just gave me a phone and a heads up there's people here I know, so ... someone want to explain the nun thing? And the magic and fairy would be good too, but the nun threw me first.

I think we all need to talk about the elephant in the room.

Felix is absolutely ridiculous and is smitten with the boytoy he picked up last month.

It's embarrassing.

Fe, for the love of whatever, please do not attempt to marry this one.

We do not need a repeat of that tragic hipster cliche you were dating.

Since Phil is no longer here, Fury is 'dead', Hill is no longer a part of SHIELD, and everyone else is in various states of deceased or are named Felix does this mean I'm acting Director? Does the promotion come with a new pair of sunglasses or a bigger badge?

So, sorry this is late but I was recently traumatized by about four thousand different things, not least of which being the fucking alien god who doesn't know how to go about making friends, hint not mind control, but it's time to extend the yearly invitation to the Barton-Romanoff Secret Agent Thanksgiving Dinner. Dinner being used in the loosest sense of the word. Also, Thanksgiving. For our purposes, those words mean vodka, Chinese takeout, and poker. This will all be taking place at the Clint Barton Home for Wayward Failboats and Spysassins, and possibly in a giant blanket fort depending on the varied emotional states of the household that day. SHIELD attendance is mandatory. Other people we know are welcome, including significant others of SHIELD people and their angry Jewish and/or Jersey friends. Loki, if you try to come, someone will set you on fire. Other Loki, I don't mean you. You and Steph are fine. If anyone in the house has anyone they want added to the no invite list, speak now, or speak later, whenever's cool.

We probably have enough room for everyone. There are cats, so mind your allergies. We will have all the eggrolls, they're basically the equivalent of stuffing anyway. When I say all the egg rolls, I mean it. Grant is ridiculous and we love him. Feel free to bring extra takeout if you want. And extra blankets in case of expansion.

So I guess I should probably get caught up on...life. Or something. Do I even still have a job?

Fuck, I forgot how much being an adult sucks when you have to sort out life-altering shit. I need to clean out his stuff Or put it in storage And work out the job thing Kitty probably didn't fire me

( friends and family )

Sorry about that, guys. I wasn't really myself, but I still feel bad about being a dick. And stabbing Ward.

I'm me now though. 100%. So...that's good.

And hey, Jasper. Glad you're not evil. Sorry I was brainwashed, again, when you got here.

( casa del spysassins )

So...to get it out of the way, I'm not fine.

But honestly, that's mostly to do with the whole Loki bullshit. I'm not happy that Phil is gone, it hurts, but I'm accepting it, and that's pretty much the best I can do.

I'd be down for a blanket fort and some takeout soon though.

( regina )

Thanks. I really mean it. I owe you a lot.

( loki )

If you ever come near me again, I'll kill you.

Okay.

Someone want to explain to me in what universe being dragged out of a car and thrown into traffic results in a surprise trip to the New England coast? The most I've been able to get out of the locals is 'magic'. Please god tell me there's a better explanation than that.