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Right.

So with all these people from my world suddenly having doubles from an alternate world popping up...

WHERE THE HELL IS MY HANDSOME DEVIL DOUBLE? think of the hell we could raise...

Portal. Come on.

Make it happen.

Coulson and I have come to the conclusion that Ward has made enough progress to remain alive. He is well aware that none of you will be expected to treat him any differently than you already do nor are under any obligation to forgive him in the future. But he has demonstrated a desire to improve as well as a sincerity that both Coulson and myself do not believe can be faked.

He is also aware that any of us can and will put him down should the situation change, or we become aware that he was lying to us about this reform.

As usual, all complaints are welcome, but they won't impact anything.

As far as portal trips and orientations go, I can't complain. Storybrooke seems like its used to handling a little oddness. To those I don't know yet, I'm Steve Rogers. Regardless of the circumstances, I'm looking forward to making your acquaintance.

Avengers, I was told some of you were here. Check in?

Small town Maine huh? No one offered me a lanyard on a case basis makes this one unique. Too bad, I was kind of digging the lanyard thing. They matched my uniform.

So who all is here? Anyone I know?

[Filter Jemma]

If you're here, want to meet for pancakes?

I'm thinking of taking up a calming hobby. Something casual and useful but that provides access to weapons at all times, just in case. Crochet hooks can be lethal, yes?

I just feel like I need a weapon comfort zone to transition with.

[FitzSimmons, May]
I saw what happened to you both. I mean not in person, but I read, and considered putting Ward down. Again.

But the call for now is to try to rehabilitate him. He's currently moved in with Barton, Romanoff, and I. But if you need to see me, just let me know and I'll come to you.

I'm sorry for what you went through, even if you haven't experienced it yet. I promise you, here at least, you'll be safe. I know it's empty, but if there's anything I can do, just tell me.
[/Fitzsimmons, May]

Well...

This is rather unexpected. Now to find whomever was childishly toying with the spell. I don't suppose anyone could just tell me...

Apparently I've made a habit of arriving here, but I can't seem to remember.

[MCU Avengers + Sam, Fury and Phil]
Status?

Hey members of band I started: We're having band practice on Wednesdays. At like.. 7:30.

We can just jam and figure out what sounds good.

Edit: We should totally have a lip-syncing battle. That would be awesome.

Recommendations?

I think we all need to talk.

Dear All:

It has come to my attention that GIF wars are hilarious.

It has also come to my attention that I haven't started one in a while.



There we go. Have at it.

Your kind, benevolent, and resident asshole,

Tony Stark

Apparently I was here before.

So, I guess I'm back.

Any of you people play an instrument or belong in a band?

This has to be some sort of HYDRA plot. I mean, I'm no superhero, but I'm not stupid. Fairytales? Honestly.

The woman who greeted me said some of my friends were here but I almost hope she's wrong. It'd be nice to have people who I trust here. Downside to that being that if I'm right, Steve and Natasha were captured. I need a drink.

Fun fact: Apparently it's considered rude to show up to your surprise engagement party already married.

Oops.

Sorry. Not sorry.

( Cut for Cap 2 Spoilers )

Boredom.

Let's play Fuck/Marry/Kill.

Either just pick someone, anyone for each category or give each other three names and stick them in the categories.

You guys know how to play, right?

I'll start.

Fuck: Raylan Givens. Because of reasons.
Marry: Clark Kent
Kill: Clint, if only because if I put him in the other categories, I might get shanked or something.

Your turn.

I'm neither condoning nor endorsing. But I seem to remember someone mentioning a paintball battle, and I also seem to have found a place that ships supplies in bulk at a discount. Should someone who used to be on my team and currently lives in my apartment have any interest in things I in no way condone.

I spend my days glowering at teenagers who resent me and live with a younger, more attractive man I moved in with after a week. I feel like I should complete the picture of bland midlife crisis by learning to fish or play golf. But considering that means I would have to fish or golf, I'll pass and assume the car completes the picture.

[Fitzsimmons, Ward, May, ETA Fury and Maria Hill]
Come have dinner tomorrow. I want to keep checked in, even with nothing going on. And a night where Fitz has no access to caffeine or liquor while in his lab sounds like a good idea.
[/Team]

[MCU Clint]
I may be going slightly stir crazy.

So, I've decided that if I ever have to be murdered, I'd like for Simmons to do it. Best mate privileges.

I'm not drunk either. Just a wee bit buzzed on caffeine.

I feel like I'm getting out of practice. I mean, I go to the range just about every day, but the targets there are pretty easy. There's got to be something more challenging to shoot at around here.

( Phil )

I wanted to ask you something...but I wanted to wait until the whole honesty crap was over, because I didn't want you to answer unless you wanted to. You know?

I've had better trips home. Though this place being real is actually a relief, I just thought I was having unusually vivid and incredibly inappropriate dreams.

Everyone still here?

[SHIELD]
Everyone all right and not dying, tortured, or mind controlled?
[/SHIELD]

[MCU Clint]
I'm sorry.

Wait, you do remember me being here, don't you?

((There is likely to be Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. spoilers in the comments!))

Phil's gone.

I can't It's so fucking stupid. The last thing we did was have a stupid fight and now he's gone. I shouldn't have stayed away I wasted

I guess it makes sense. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and there it is. People like me don't get to be happy.

Some days I'm glad the other guy prevented the bullet from killing me.

Some days I'm not.

I am so tired of people thinking that I'm just some pet dog of Jane's. She doesn't even like me, to be honest. I'm glad she's not here because she'd just give me a bunch of condescending crap. I'm my own person. And I'm amazing. I refuse to be in her stupid perfect shadow any longer.

Also if any of you decides that this is a good time to be sappy and confess your love to anyone other than me on here in public, I'll taze you. Do that confessing stuff in private.

I'm just going to hide in my lab until this honesty thing is over.

Important question time:

How long, approximately, should you be in a relationship with someone, before you impulsively ask them to marry you in a small town in Maine?

Asking for a friend.

Anyone up for a Harold Ramis film festival?

I waited an extra day or so, just to be safe. Maybe time conversions got off or something.

But it looks like Ragnapäper beat Ragnarök at the last minute.

( Phil )

You're a stupidly attractive dork and I love you.

( MCU and 616 Avenger types Clint knows and other friends )

Karaoke tonight. We're going to have drinks and be ridiculous.

Before you say no, keep in mind it's my birthday, I'm a tragic circus orphan, and this is the first time I've had enough friends to have a party. If you don't come, I'll assume you hate happiness.

I will have an open door office hours every afternoon from 2-5 pm. If there is something that needs to be discussed, anyone can come and see me during those hours. This includes any permits that one might need for certain things, as long as it is within reason.

Have a pleasant afternoon.

Sup, bitches? I'm here. Let the partying commence.

( Phil )

Awkward relationship question time.

Is it a bad thing if I don't want to spend Valentine's day with you?

( Natasha - MCU )

So...next Friday?

I'm getting bored with not having things to shoot.

We should play cards. Not poker though. Cards Against Humanity.

Not to brag, okay...totally to brag, but I'm the SHIELD CAH champion.

So, say a guy has two lady friends that he really likes. He was in love with one, but for... reasons, they were separated. During this separation he became good friends with the other lady, and they went on a date, and it was really nice, and he was starting to fall for her. But now the first gal is back and the guy still loves her, but he also still has feelings for the other gal.

What does a guy do in this situation?

Hypothetically.

Asking for a friend.

( private to peggy and jemma )
I think the three of us should probably talk.

I have decided I blame Clint for what just happened. Just seems like the thing to do.

Pepper, you're welcome to stay with me and Alex for as long as you like.

(Clint/Natasha)
There is another me.

I should probably warn you that this was not a good time to kidnap a Black Widow.

I'm just going to offer a blanket apology to everything and everyone.

That was jarring. And Lola has a scratch. And needs a cleaning.

I'm sorry to everyone I ran into. I did actually grow past that particular level of obnoxiousness fairly quickly, I promise.

Everyone all right? Ms. Pryde, do I still have a job after not showing up? Unexpected teenager sounds like a terrible excuse, but since it's verifiably true, can we call it sick days?

[Filtered to SHIELD]
I really am sorry.
[/SHIELD]

[Filtered to Ward & Nick Fury]
I'm going to assume that was your money for bail, Nick? I'll pay you back, and thank you both.

Clint still hasn't switched back.
[/Nick & Ward]

[Filtered to Melinda]
Shall we just never discuss it, you think? Except I brought it up. But after this, never discuss it?

Or after Clint is back to normal, never discuss it. Since he may bring it up before then.
[/Melinda]

[Clint (MCU)]
Are you all right? If you could revert back to yourself soon, that would be appreciated.

My brother has taken his leave, for those who know him.

If he reappears as his younger self, no one tell him he can't have dessert first. He'll just tell you he's Odinson and can have whatever he wants.

What to do with myself now, without a constant watchdog? I'll need a hobby.

[Filtered to Nick Fury, edited in later]
Your baby bird will likely be here later, if you'd like to bring him back to the nest before he throws himself at the whole of the building.

What the fucking fuck?

This is fucking ridiculous.

( filtered to tasha and nick )

Mayday!

Phil is a fucking teenager.

And he keeps trying to get into my pants.

Badly.

He's seriously terrible at this. How did he ever get laid?

Someone help.

Hey. Hey Agent.

HEEEEEY AAAAAGEEEEEENT

I'm gonna talk to them.

So there.

[ Filtered to Science Babies of SHIELD. ]
SO. I've heard you're not allowed to talk to me. And vice versa.

Well, as I like pissing Agent off and I've yet to see if we get Supernanny here -- HI KIDLETS.

I don't know whether to be relieved or upset that it didn't air.

Did we get cancelled?

FILTER: SAM WINCHESTER

Klaus is here.

FILTER: STORYBROOKE LAW ENFORCEMENT

I have reason to believe my life is in danger. There is a man who arrived yesterday. His name is Klaus and he's not a man at all. He's a vampire/werewolf hybrid who cannot be killed. For centuries, he has pursued me. He has tortured me. He murdered my entire family, because I turned myself into a vampire to prevent him from killing me.

I am human now and being stuck in this town means I can't simply run from him. I am doing my best to avoid him, but in such a small town, there is a very good chance he will learn I am here. Because of this, I am asking for your protection. I fully believe he will kill me if he has the chance to do so.

All right guys. Holiday special at the range. Half off archery lessons if you sign up before the new year.

Word of warning, I don't have much interest in wasting my time watching people fuck around. If you actually want to learn to use a bow, or work on your skills, great. If you don't want to make an effort, you should probably find another way to occupy your time.

Hey, Phil. I was thinking. You want to take Lo for one last spin before we put her away for the winter? With the snow we're having right now, it would probably be good to keep her somewhere safe, so she doesn't get damaged. But I think we could get one last good ride out of her, provided she keeps her top on.

'Sup, Storybrooke? I'm Skye.

It's pretty sad that this isn't even the weirdest part of my day, huh?

You know, it's sad, but this is not the weirdest thing that's happened to me this year.

I was told there are other Avengers here?

( spoilers for Agents of SHIELD )

There's stuff. Around the apartment.

Like...a forest threw up or something.

And lots of little things.

Is this normal? Phil? Do you have a habit of decorating your apartments weird shit and you didn't tell me?

Anyway, since you added stuff to the apartment, I figured I could too.

I was on Tumblr, and yes...I know you banned me from Tumblr but whatever, and a lot of people kept comparing me to a grumpy cat. And then I went to get milk and...

( cut to spare friend pages, not filtered )

So, I was flipping through channels tonight and I sort of saw part of your show, Grant. Don't worry. I changed the channel. It seems weird to watch friends' lives.

But I just have to say...congratulations on your abs. They're really impressive.

Are you photoshopped? Because forget six pack. I'm pretty sure you had like...a ten pack or something.

Great. Plenty of equipment but no connection. Fat lot of good the protocols do me when there's no way to exercise them.

[ inaudible muttered words before he starts speaking normally again. ]

This is the last thing I need right now.

Why's the radio playing Christmas music? Did they forget there's a whole holiday between Halloween and Christmas? And how do I make it stop since apparently I can't shoot it?

( filtered to Natasha Romanoff, Phil Coulson, Alex Udinov, Nick Fury, Melinda May, Maria Hill, EDITED TO ADD: Also Fitz-Simmons, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Bruce Banner, Thor Odinson, Jane Foster, Darcy Lewis )

My alternate universe less dead brother may or may not have invited me to Thanksgiving, which I declined because fuck that.

That said, you guys are invited (not you, Nat, because invited implies you can say no) to the annual Barton-Romanoff Secret Agent Thanksgiving Dinner. By dinner we mean takeout, vodka and poker. We can assure you with reasonable certainty nobody will die and the barrier pretty much prevents international incidents.

RSVP. Or don't. Whatever. I may open this up to Science Babies and Avengers, but I'm not sure they'd really enjoy our idea of holiday festivities. Yes there is a non-SHIELD person on the list, but she's basically a mini-Nat, so deal with it. I collect Russians.

Also, THOR IS NOT ALLOWED TO BRING HIS BROTHER. This shouldn't require saying, but I'm saying it.

( filtered to Natasha )

Also, you have a date Friday night.

( filtered to Phil )

Also, I may have set Nat up on a blind date with a guy from work. So if I get disappeared, that's why.