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It's a little strange, Pepper not being here.



Tony Stark

How are you doing? Can I get you anything?

[He's typing utterly shitfaced. Don't be surprised if you can't understand a word he says. Anyone who tries to take the liquor will get a rupulsor to the face, no questions asked. And sorry for the deleting and then reposting. If you want to repost original comments to this, feel free to.]

Sh's fukin gn.

wthel mI spsed. To. do?

Nev witot hr.

I didn't do it.

I swear.

Wasn't me this time.

Really.

Greetings, I am Thor, of Asgard, Son of Odin.

Though such a means was not how I had intended to return, I suppose the good fortune means I should be without complaint. Instead I find myself quite thankful that I have landed among such a considerate group of people, people who have informed me that this device will connect me to many of the others of you who have ended here the same as I?

Perhaps then there might be one of you here who could point me in the direction of your delicacy known as pancakes? I find them to be the best choice, when one is forced to deal with a sudden and unexpected arrival in any realm. Your assistance would be most appreciated.

You know, this place has a real knack for kickin' ya' out just long enough to make you think you're crazy, and then it drags you back in.

Don't suppose I can get a head count as to who's still kickin' around?

And a Cigar delivery.

And a drink.

I'm going to figure this out if it fucking kills me.

Which the way it's going, it very well might.

Can't sleep. Working on this brings back the nightmares.

Have to figure this out. Have to save her. Can't let her

[To Pepper and Bruce]
Don't wait up for me. I'm pulling an all-nighter in the workshop. And no, don't come looking for me either. I need to work on this on my own for the night. Maybe two. I'll check in periodically. Promise.

Don't make me turn either of you away. Because I will.

[To Pepper]
But... can you come by tomorrow? Just you.

Thanks, babe.

I knew science had the answer to everything.

I am now unable to be defeated in rock, paper, scissors lizard Spock.

So. This might be a bit of an unorthodox suggestion, coming from me, but maybe another poker game, like we did months ago, would help smooth over some of the tension that's cropping up?

Everyone feel free to tell me this is an awful idea.

[ Filtered to Clint Barton (MCU) ]

You don't have to come, even if it happens.

So I've been poking around this thing for a couple of days.

I can't say I understand how I got here and I can't get over the feeling that I have to make a mission report.

Uh. Hi? I'm Steve Rogers. Is there a manual?

Betty is gone.

I... don't know how I feel about this.

Phil's gone. Again I hate everything I'm lighting his suits on fire in protest Or letting Katniss pee on everything he loves If he doesn't come back, I'm divorcing him

( Nat, Tony, Ward, Bucky, Darcy )

I need to drink until I don't feel feelings anymore.

Everyone is always bored or missing people on this thing. Including me. So screw it.

Top five people in town you'd sleep with. Everyone tell me theirs. (I don't care if they're married/dating/into the wrong gender/from a world where they're actually a rabbit. It doesn't have to make sense.)

No picking people who aren't here anymore, because then it's not as funny.

I cannot sleep. I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past couple of nights and I hate it.


( Pepper Potts and Tony Stark )

If I lock myself in my room tonight it isn't that I am purposely avoiding you. It's because I haven't slept well and I feel highly irritable and... I just don't want anything bad to happen.

Right.

So with all these people from my world suddenly having doubles from an alternate world popping up...

WHERE THE HELL IS MY HANDSOME DEVIL DOUBLE? think of the hell we could raise...

Portal. Come on.

Make it happen.

Coulson and I have come to the conclusion that Ward has made enough progress to remain alive. He is well aware that none of you will be expected to treat him any differently than you already do nor are under any obligation to forgive him in the future. But he has demonstrated a desire to improve as well as a sincerity that both Coulson and myself do not believe can be faked.

He is also aware that any of us can and will put him down should the situation change, or we become aware that he was lying to us about this reform.

As usual, all complaints are welcome, but they won't impact anything.

As far as portal trips and orientations go, I can't complain. Storybrooke seems like its used to handling a little oddness. To those I don't know yet, I'm Steve Rogers. Regardless of the circumstances, I'm looking forward to making your acquaintance.

Avengers, I was told some of you were here. Check in?

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Not in the mood for weirdo villains or nefarious plots so if we could just, I don't know, deposit me right back where I was a few hours ago, I'd appreciate it. You're looking for someone who doesn't even exist anymore- it has nothing to do with me, honest, I just take the pictures. I mean, making me think I'm trapped in a storybook? Well-played. But Spider-man just isn't me.

As the Sheriff, I can't actually hit someone without an actual reason right? It's like the temperature going up has caused people's brains to shut down.

[FILTERED TO MCU]
If I ask you about your world and the people in it, would any of you answer truthfully?
[/FILTERED]

I think I'm going home. This paperwork can wait. I need a nap, a bath, and to spend time with my son and husband. Not necessarily in that order. Please don't do anything horrible for the next couple of hours.

I'm in the mood for making pie. Any requests?

Dear All:

It has come to my attention that GIF wars are hilarious.

It has also come to my attention that I haven't started one in a while.



There we go. Have at it.

Your kind, benevolent, and resident asshole,

Tony Stark

I can't believe that in a few months some of us will have been here for a year. It's just hard to even comprehend that, especially knowing all that's happening back home. It's just...really a lot.

Still, there are definitely some positives to being here, and I do like it. I just sometimes wish there was a way to go home.

( Natasha )

How are you doing? I can't imagine what it must be like, not remembering this place and being told you were here for months that never happened for you.

We should get drinks soon, and we can talk about how things are going.

( Phil )

So, I guess a marriage ranks slightly above death and resurrection in terms of things to keep secret, but I'm still side-eying the fact that you and Clint got married without telling anyone.

I swear, you spies will be the death of me.

( Tony )

I'm concerned about Bruce.

Don't get me wrong, I love him...but I am worried about him.

( Regina )

I was hoping to take a personal day Thursday, if that's all right. Nothing serious, it's just my birthday and I figured a day off might be nice.

Alright, I'm going to guess I haven't actually been gone for two years, so if anyone can catch me up on what's happened since I've been gone, that would be helpful.

( marvel )

No one here is HYDRA, at least not as far as I know. Sam's clean, I can vouch for him personally. He helped me take down SHIELD, along with Natasha, Fury, and Hill. We should come up with a contingency plan if Rumlow or Pierce show up, though. Sitwell wouldn't be much of a problem, but those two could cause some damage. Particularly if Pierce gets to Bucky.

( bucky )

You still here, pal?

Blind date with a book.

Best idea a bookstore has had, ever.

[Filtered Away from Clint and Phil]

Okay. So. That whole Fuck/Marry/Kill game that shall not be spoken about (seriously. You group who said that you'd rather kill me? You really don't know what you're missing by not picking 'fuck'. Just sayin'.) seems that it's also brought about a little engagement.

Because, well, who are we kidding? Of course Clint and Phil would get engaged in the weirdest possible way.

BUT. I believe that means an engagement party is in order. A surprise party, because who wants to have something planned out?

Will be this Thursday. Location to be announced when Pepper figures out a venue

BYOB.

Hah. Kidding. It's a Stark Party. Of course there will be booze aplenty. Duh.

Be there. That is all.
[/filter]

[Filtered to Pepper]
Hey babe. I love you. Have I mentioned that lately? Because I do. Look, even said it without prompting!

Nope. Don't want anything and not pre-emptively apologizing for anything I may be doing in the future.

Except for the part where I just announced a surprise party and need you to plan it. So... right. Go work your magic!
[/filter]

Boredom.

Let's play Fuck/Marry/Kill.

Either just pick someone, anyone for each category or give each other three names and stick them in the categories.

You guys know how to play, right?

I'll start.

Fuck: Raylan Givens. Because of reasons.
Marry: Clark Kent
Kill: Clint, if only because if I put him in the other categories, I might get shanked or something.

Your turn.

Seeking: One Pepper Potts.

For: Amazing sex with your Tony (and Bruce) that will most likely result in a broken bed tonight.

Possible sexual favors for information regarding the redhead's current whereabouts.


Yes, I'm publicly calling my girlfriend out for a booty-call. wait. Just called her girlfriend without prompting. Shit. Got a problem with that? Complaints, please form a line to the left.

I've had better trips home. Though this place being real is actually a relief, I just thought I was having unusually vivid and incredibly inappropriate dreams.

Everyone still here?

[SHIELD]
Everyone all right and not dying, tortured, or mind controlled?
[/SHIELD]

[MCU Clint]
I'm sorry.

Wait, you do remember me being here, don't you?

((There is likely to be Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. spoilers in the comments!))

This is the best day known to man.

Not only is it Pi day, it's steak and blowjob day.

Everyone must celebrate one or the other.

Phil's gone.

I can't It's so fucking stupid. The last thing we did was have a stupid fight and now he's gone. I shouldn't have stayed away I wasted

I guess it makes sense. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and there it is. People like me don't get to be happy.

You never realize just how much you lie on a daily basis until you cannot lie anymore. It's a good thing this happened to me here and not back home.

Detective Lance would have found out Oliver was the Arrow a long time ago. Oliver would know about my feelings for him. Then again all the catty women at QC would know that Oliver promoted me because he's a vigilante and I work with him.

God, I hate this. It's so embarrassing. I need alcohol.

Important question time:

How long, approximately, should you be in a relationship with someone, before you impulsively ask them to marry you in a small town in Maine?

Asking for a friend.

Filtered: MCU

Thor was talking about us all getting together for drinks before he was sent back. I think we should still do it, even if he's not here. We can drink to his arms him or something.

( Pepper Potts )

I think we should try to get Tony a really large stuffed animal.

You know, to make up for the one he got you.

Or something, I don't even know.

I enjoyed dinner with you the other night. We should do it again. Maybe even make after-dinner activities a recurring thing as well.


( Tony Stark )

Are you doing anything for Pepper next week?


( Filtered away from Pepper Potts and Tony Stark )

Valentine's Day is reminding me how useless I am when it comes to being purposely romantic.

So, say a guy has two lady friends that he really likes. He was in love with one, but for... reasons, they were separated. During this separation he became good friends with the other lady, and they went on a date, and it was really nice, and he was starting to fall for her. But now the first gal is back and the guy still loves her, but he also still has feelings for the other gal.

What does a guy do in this situation?

Hypothetically.

Asking for a friend.

( private to peggy and jemma )
I think the three of us should probably talk.

[ Filtered to Virginia Potts ]
Virginia -- I wanted you to know that I've left the apartment for the time being, that way you won't have to contend with me around.

If you want to talk about anything, you can find me at the old garage on the outskirts of town. Ask JARVIS and he'll tell you where to find me.

Please, take care of yourself.

I'm sorry.

Can someone please tell me what's going on?

[ Filtered to Bruce and Pepper ]

Don't wait up. Clint and I talked

Don't expect me to be back tonight Or ever maybe? Dunno. Guess I'll be home eventually. Maybe. This bottle's kinda nice. And warm. And doesn't call me an asshole.

Hey. Hey Agent.

HEEEEEY AAAAAGEEEEEENT

I'm gonna talk to them.

So there.

[ Filtered to Science Babies of SHIELD. ]
SO. I've heard you're not allowed to talk to me. And vice versa.

Well, as I like pissing Agent off and I've yet to see if we get Supernanny here -- HI KIDLETS.

[Filtered to Pepper Potts and Tony Stark]

...so.

I kind of kissed Thor.

I didn't mean to.

He blamed it on the mistletoe being magically enhanced, or something. I am inclined to believe him.
[/end filter]

I am somewhat glad the holidays are over and we can resume some sort of normalcy around here.

Though I am not sure what constitutes normalcy in Storybrooke.

I just got kissed by Natasha Romanoff. I think I might have accidentally stepped into a comic book nerd's fantasy for a second. Or it was that mistletoe. I was just picking up pizza.

This town remains so weird.

It's nice not to have to deal with all the chaos that usually comes with Christmas back home. I'm looking forward to something a little quieter this year. Even if it doesn't feel like time to have Christmas yet, considering it was that time of year at home when I came here a few months ago.

( Bruce )

Tony and I have had some very involved conversations, during which I insisted this was not a Christmas present several times and we're both in agreement on our earlier discussion, regarding the possibility of inviting you to join us.

It's up to you whether that means just for sex or as part of our relationship. Obviously, if you're not comfortable with either, you can disregard this completely and we'll be more than happy to have your friendship.

In any case, the three of us need to sit down and discuss this. I think over dinner is best. I'll bring home some Italian. Okay?

( Tony )

We're having dinner with Bruce to discuss things. Please try not to overwhelm him. I think this is probably more than he's used to.

I love you.

Why do I get the feeling that something strange might happen for Christmas?

It's the vibe I'm getting from this place.

There's stuff. Around the apartment.

Like...a forest threw up or something.

And lots of little things.

Is this normal? Phil? Do you have a habit of decorating your apartments weird shit and you didn't tell me?

Anyway, since you added stuff to the apartment, I figured I could too.

I was on Tumblr, and yes...I know you banned me from Tumblr but whatever, and a lot of people kept comparing me to a grumpy cat. And then I went to get milk and...

( cut to spare friend pages, not filtered )

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHO WOULD?

THAT.

WHAT EVEN? IDEK.



WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?

WHO PUT THIS GINORMOUS STUFFED ANIMAL IN MY APARTMENT. THIS IS NOT A QUESTION.

WHEN I ASKED FOR A GIGANTIC ANIMAL FOR A FRIEND IT WAS NOT FOR ME AND THE ANIMAL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING FLUFFY. AND CUTE. NOT... WHATEVER THIS IS! JESUS FUCKING HELL.

GYAAAAAAAAH.

WHO DID IT. FESS UP.

So, I was flipping through channels tonight and I sort of saw part of your show, Grant. Don't worry. I changed the channel. It seems weird to watch friends' lives.

But I just have to say...congratulations on your abs. They're really impressive.

Are you photoshopped? Because forget six pack. I'm pretty sure you had like...a ten pack or something.

Ignore what the crazy lady my girlfriend Pepper just posted.

All searches will be rewarded.

In liquor.

Edited to add: I'd offer sexual favors as well as a reward, but said Pepper might kill me. or ask to join. Wait. No. Girls, please ask for sexual favors, kthnx.

To anyone tempted to help with searches for giant stuffed animals, please don't.

( Tony )

Maybe we should talk to Dr. Banner about my condition. He might be able to help you work out a way to let me have more control over it.

( Phil )

We really haven't talked since you came back. Mostly because I still want to slap you and being upset isn't good for me right now. But we should catch up. Get a drink. I can throw it in your face for scaring me like that.

I thought you were dead.

Anyone know where I can get a giant stuffed animal? By giant I mean giant.

We're talking 20 feet tall. At least.

No, not for me. I'm asking for a friend.

Why's the radio playing Christmas music? Did they forget there's a whole holiday between Halloween and Christmas? And how do I make it stop since apparently I can't shoot it?

( filtered to Natasha Romanoff, Phil Coulson, Alex Udinov, Nick Fury, Melinda May, Maria Hill, EDITED TO ADD: Also Fitz-Simmons, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Bruce Banner, Thor Odinson, Jane Foster, Darcy Lewis )

My alternate universe less dead brother may or may not have invited me to Thanksgiving, which I declined because fuck that.

That said, you guys are invited (not you, Nat, because invited implies you can say no) to the annual Barton-Romanoff Secret Agent Thanksgiving Dinner. By dinner we mean takeout, vodka and poker. We can assure you with reasonable certainty nobody will die and the barrier pretty much prevents international incidents.

RSVP. Or don't. Whatever. I may open this up to Science Babies and Avengers, but I'm not sure they'd really enjoy our idea of holiday festivities. Yes there is a non-SHIELD person on the list, but she's basically a mini-Nat, so deal with it. I collect Russians.

Also, THOR IS NOT ALLOWED TO BRING HIS BROTHER. This shouldn't require saying, but I'm saying it.

( filtered to Natasha )

Also, you have a date Friday night.

( filtered to Phil )

Also, I may have set Nat up on a blind date with a guy from work. So if I get disappeared, that's why.