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What the hell is this?

Why am I here?

Someone explain right the hell now?

I'm being stalked by a stray cat.

Someone buy me a drink or ten.

( Cut for AoS Spoilers )

Well, that was perfectly awful.

I can't believe that I

I'm a terrible

( spoilers for 2x19 episode of agents of shield )

fitz.

I'm an awful person.

skye.

I can't believe I did that.

bucky.

Does the guilt ever get easier to deal with?

lance.

I want to drink rather a lot of alcohol right now.

I need a job.

Or I guess I could go to school.

I don't know. It's been a long time since I had no idea what to do next.

Bucky, buy me a puppy.

Hey, Hot Guy, how come I didn't know you were this cool?

( Filtered to Grant Ward )

( Filtered to Steve Rogers )

I'm trying not to worry about the fact that my job has been in a bar with no owner for a while now. We've been doing the best we can with what we got but I'm beginning to wonder if I should be looking for something else.

I need to stop drinking, I think. I just tried to stop a fight and got punched in the face.

I'm fine. I'm good. I can control it.

Back to pleasantville, I guess. Who's still here?

[ooc: there were some slight vibrations around Skye when she first reappeared, so if you were nearby, you might have felt something, but it wasn't like a townwide earthquake or anything]

I can't believe Skye's gone.

And now she's probably back there, dealing with her abilities and scared and hurting and alone.

This is all my fault. I never should have brought it up. I should have kept closer to her to make sure she was all right. I should have found a way to help her or something.

I never should have come back here. If I hadn't, maybe she wouldn't be going through all that.

Has anyone seen Skye? I went to her place to deliver some tech and she isn't there. She didn't come to work either. I hope she's okay. I watched her show. Please let her just be somewhere else in town

As spring rapidly approaches and season finales of tv shows come on, I'd just like to reiterate the suggestion to NOT watch your tv show if it exists. This seems to be the time of the year where things get rapidly worse for people. Yes, Barry, I am talking to you.

Today is my mom's birthday, well later today. I miss her. I am going to play poker and drink fancy cocktails in her honor. Whose with me?

Oh. Oh my.

I had forgotten about this.

Fitz? Are you still here? I do hope you are.

The thing is, I really did mean to post to this sooner, but I found a man in a dumpster just after I arrived. And he had a rather alarming number of injuries, which was really very worrisome when you take the dumpster into consideration. And the sensible thing to do seemed to be to take care of him first.

So he's on the sofa. My sofa, obviously. It was a bit difficult getting him back, but I managed. He's resting now.

[ filtered away from sam; ]

If anyone gets the smart idea to mention this "Supernatural" show to my brother, I will cut your throat. Don't think I won't. I'm not trying to be mean here or anything, but it's just a request. Me, asking a bunch of random people for a favor. He can't know.

[ public; ]

I think I need a job, I'm almost out of beer money. And the locals are starting to catch on that I'm hustling them.

I need a drink. Who wants to come with?

It's nice to see that everyone, or seemingly everyone - best not to assume, has survived another Easter here in Nigh Storybrooke. As always, the holidays here seem to come with far less bloodshed than expected. And that, I feel most people will agree, is a good thing. I can't help but remember countless Mondays after Easter back home where the clean up crews had to deal with the extensive structural damage and ravaged corpses. Some people were never seen again. And not, in that particular instance, because of a particularly persistent case of infectious invisibility.

I've heard that there is going to be a book fair at the library soon and I must strongly caution against attending. Books are dangerous enough without involving librarians. It was, after all, the great Ralph Waldo Emmerson who famously said, "Some books leave us free and some books make us free and some books take us captive and keep us trapped inside them. Help! I've been trapped inside this book for what feels like an eternity. Won't someone let me out? Please, please, for the love of god, help." Adding librarians to an already volatile situations can only make matters worse. Though I have been told on many occasions that librarians here are harmless, I cannot, in good conscience, ever condone allowing librarians to roam freely. Librarians are always dangerous, no matter how strong and well-crafted the chains and cages containing them are. To allow librarians to roam free and unchecked is to invite the slaughter of the innocent (probably) and screaming (definitely) masses. As such, I urge everyone to keep away from the library and whatever foul tricks the librarians use to lure their victims.

But, in good news, Khoshekh's kittens have vanished from the apartment, which can only mean that they have gone to new homes. This is good, both because everyone deserves to have a wonderful cat in their life and also because Carlos really is very allergic and having that many cats around was making things difficult. Even all the Benedryl really wasn't helping much. If there is a small cat floating in a fixed point in space in your house or apartment, good news. You have been chosen by one of the kittens, or perhaps ancient prophecy, and are now the owner of your very own pet. Congratulations on the new addition to your home.

I could definitely use a new sparring partner. I'm starting to get bored and when I get bored, I apparently start Instagram-ing and posting the pictures here.

( cut for pics )

I'm probably going to post more another time. Ollie, I will get you with a camera. You can't hide forever. Tune in next time for more Sara's Terrible Instagram Adventure, maybe co-starring Oliver Queen.

thea.

So, we should talk.

Fuck everything.

Will be in the bottom of a bottle if anyone wants to find me or come join me.

When someone tells you not to watch the shit show about your life, listen to them.
I am going to get very very very drunk.

He still has my picture on his

I guess this place was real.

[Filtered to Phil and Skye]

I may need a place to crash for awhile.

If you could change something about yourself here that you couldn't at home, would you do it?

I've finally come to accept the fact that I'm not going to wake up and find a certain someone here. He's gone. He's left. And every time he's come back things have been different. I'm the only one hanging onto something and it's just not happening. It's time to face facts and move on. With that in mind I've decided I should probably start dating or flirting again because why not?

Also, I should probably get a job to afford things.

Also, should I have not announced my intention to get back out there over this thing? That's not normal, right?

Also, how do you flirt?

Also, someone teach me to people.

Also, I want a dog. We can call it my therapy dog and I'll name it, like, Alex or Brock or Steve but none of those names because I just remembered they're terrible. The job will probably need to happen before the dog with the terrible name.

This is the worst.

Do the portals make everyone sick, or am I just special?

My not so secretly nerdy heart is broken. Who wants to sit around and tearfully watch Star Trek with me? The original series. There may or may not be drinking.

Since I'm going to be here for awhile, I should start looking for some form of employment.

So, a murder. Not exactly our usual field, but with all the nothing that happens around here - do we want to do anything to look into this, or are we leaving it in local hands?

I think... maybe we should just leave the blanket fort up. Like permanently.

Well, I can cross magical portals to Maine off of things S.H.I.E.L.D never prepared me for.

At least the lobster here is good. That's one thing Maine can always be counted for.

I'm Phil Coulson, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I heard my team was here.

The last time I wound up in a strange new place I missed out on sixty-six years, give or take. I guess I should consider this an improvement. I appreciate all the orientation information but I was in the middle of something important I'd really like to get back to.

I don't know whether to be angry or just unsurprised. No. Angry. I'm definitely still angry. Of course those cheating sons of bitches won. I wouldn't be surprised if they paid Wilson to take a dive. Though it seemed like the entire Seahawks team was taking stupid pills by the end of it, so it might have just been a case of collective idiocy. The Pats shouldn't have made it this far anyway. Them and their sanctified asshole of a quarterback and dirty dealing coach. That whole outfit is crooked. But what the hell do you expect to come out of Boston?

So, fairytales.

I can work with that. It's better than being dead. Always imagined when I finally got my ticket punched I'd be met by Izzy who'd punch me in the face. Not looking forward to an afterlife lecture of all my screwups since the accident. Glad I could push that back.

Anyway, where can a bloke get a beer?

So, magic city comes with wi-fi. That updating fairy tale trend isn't gonna die off any time soon, is it?

A fairy nun just gave me a phone and a heads up there's people here I know, so ... someone want to explain the nun thing? And the magic and fairy would be good too, but the nun threw me first.

Please tell me everyone is still here.

[Roy]
I love you.

[Jemma]
I'm sorry I was so...I was horrible. You are my best friend. I hope you know that.

Fairy tales? Really?

[Filtered to SHIELD]
A guy who said he's a dwarf said some of you are on the ground here?

I'm just opening this discussion up to everyone.

So. New Year's. I haven't bugged anyone about their resolutions yet. How many vowed to drink less? More? Lose a few pounds? Live life fuller? Said they were perfect and vowed to never change?

Thanks a lot, internet. Now a certain archer and I can't pretend we've shared a failed marriage full of snark, pranks on other people, and a mutual appreciation of certain men.

( Spoilers for last night's AOS )

You really don't remember anything when you go back home. What's the point of that?

Does anyone have any non-alcohol related sleep remedies? I have been having the worst dreams lately.

It's very strange actually thinking about Christmas. I have so many more people to buy gifts for this year and actually have time to think about gifts. It's bizarre. It will be weird not going home to see my mum though.

{Private To Roy}
Sometime soon there is something we need to talk about. I've been putting it off because thinking about it is scary but it is something that needs to be discussed.

So, sorry this is late but I was recently traumatized by about four thousand different things, not least of which being the fucking alien god who doesn't know how to go about making friends, hint not mind control, but it's time to extend the yearly invitation to the Barton-Romanoff Secret Agent Thanksgiving Dinner. Dinner being used in the loosest sense of the word. Also, Thanksgiving. For our purposes, those words mean vodka, Chinese takeout, and poker. This will all be taking place at the Clint Barton Home for Wayward Failboats and Spysassins, and possibly in a giant blanket fort depending on the varied emotional states of the household that day. SHIELD attendance is mandatory. Other people we know are welcome, including significant others of SHIELD people and their angry Jewish and/or Jersey friends. Loki, if you try to come, someone will set you on fire. Other Loki, I don't mean you. You and Steph are fine. If anyone in the house has anyone they want added to the no invite list, speak now, or speak later, whenever's cool.

We probably have enough room for everyone. There are cats, so mind your allergies. We will have all the eggrolls, they're basically the equivalent of stuffing anyway. When I say all the egg rolls, I mean it. Grant is ridiculous and we love him. Feel free to bring extra takeout if you want. And extra blankets in case of expansion.

So I guess I should probably get caught up on...life. Or something. Do I even still have a job?

Fuck, I forgot how much being an adult sucks when you have to sort out life-altering shit. I need to clean out his stuff Or put it in storage And work out the job thing Kitty probably didn't fire me

( friends and family )

Sorry about that, guys. I wasn't really myself, but I still feel bad about being a dick. And stabbing Ward.

I'm me now though. 100%. So...that's good.

And hey, Jasper. Glad you're not evil. Sorry I was brainwashed, again, when you got here.

( casa del spysassins )

So...to get it out of the way, I'm not fine.

But honestly, that's mostly to do with the whole Loki bullshit. I'm not happy that Phil is gone, it hurts, but I'm accepting it, and that's pretty much the best I can do.

I'd be down for a blanket fort and some takeout soon though.

( regina )

Thanks. I really mean it. I owe you a lot.

( loki )

If you ever come near me again, I'll kill you.

I guess I'm going to need a job. The question is, what's a hacktivist turned secret agent supposed to do in small town Maine?

( Spysassins Minus Clint )

This isn't like him, right? The way he's acting? I know he has to be upset, but...

He wants me to tell you to leave him alone. He says he just wants some space.

It's good to be back, as strange as this place really is in retrospect. Well, strange and fascinating.

Is everyone all right?

( Fitz )

I need to hug you. Is that all right?

Storybrooke is far more amusing than I had thought possible.

Uh. Has anyone seen Phil? At all?

Some of the boys are putting together a little team for snow warfare. Jemma? Skye? Want to be on my team? Hitting Grant with snowballs might be therapeutic.

Okay. Best of a really weird sudden cold snap.

Snowball fight? I call Fitz and Clint for teams.

The quiet, slightly decomposing visitors with no regard for personal space seem to be gone now, replaced by snowfall and ice on the streets. This leaves us to wonder, did they dissolve and turn into snow? Or was snow simply their natural deterrent? Did the snow cause them to melt into the ground? We may never know the answer. Of course, either way it is highly unusual. Everyone knows that "zombies" aren't real, and if they were, they would be resistant to extreme cold. Perhaps, these creatures were a product of our collective imagination and vanished when we chose to think of other things.

Whatever the cause of the snow, it probably isn't the castle made of ice in the middle of the park, and we should just ignore it and pretend it isn't there until it isn't.

In any case, it would probably be a good idea to wear a heavy jacket. And maybe some gloves and a scarf. And be careful on that ice. I hear there may be snow plows soon. If that's the case, I pray everyone will be safe from those murderous beasts. Snow plows, after all, are simply winter's equivalent of streetcleaners, and everyone knows the dangers of those.

Also, I'm making hot chocolate. With extra cumin, guajillo chilies, and extra nutmeg. I love nutmeg, and not just for it's poisonous nature and hallucinogenic properties. Anyway, the hot chocolate should be wonderful. Just like my mother used to make it. I think. I don't actually remember my mother, so I am largely working on assumptions here. But, you know what they say. If you can't assume things about your dead relatives, who can you?

Oh! And, this is very exciting. Khoshekh and his kittens are here. They appeared via portal in one of the spare bedrooms this afternoon. Carlos, of course, has to avoid the room, because of his allergies, but so far everything is fine. Khoshekh and the kittens are hovering in the air at various heights and seem very happy with their new home.

Is that snow?

Are we going to get snow zombies now? Snowmbies?

I'm really glad we have two beds' worth of blankets. Wake me up when it's all over.

What the hell is going on?

One minute I'm working and the next I'm in some random town and there are zombies.