PARABOLICAL GRAFFITI

[ooc: in the wee hours after this]

Well gosh if I don't just have two more reasons to hate - and we're talking higher than the level of hatred I have for Hugh Jackman, people, which I thought was pretty well impossible to surpass - this den of batshit crazy that passes itself off as Los Angeles.

So who is it? Which one of you special snowflake bad guys is making all the kids in the damn city sick? You know you want to brag, so come on, tell Uncle Coxy all about it.

Hmm. Well. Well, well, well. Isn't this... quaint.

Let's liven up the place.

Well...isn't this just special.

Someone want to tell me what the hell I'm doing in LA? Or more importantly, how I'm supposed to get home? Because if someone doesn't tell me what's going on right away, I am going to have to hurt someone. And I do mean really, really painfully. So somebody hurry the fuck up.

( filtered, friend and family type people )

( filtered, Bobby )

( filtered, Dean )

( filtered, Cox )

You should offer some sort of pedestrian discount at the bar.

Well, I must say this is certainly an improvement.

Pyramid Head is gone. Crisis is over. I feel like there's this huge weight that's been thrown from me. The world is suddenly a lot...better. And now I sound like a Disney movie.

So now that that's all out of the way, I figured 'hey, why not get back to doing what I do best?' So I went to check my email. I give people my email so that they can contact me for hunts, right? Instead?

People send me stuff like...Men in Black posters.

( MIB? Really? )

We ended up purchasing a good bit of medical equipment for the field hospital during the recent near-Apocalypse. Now it's all slightly used, all in working order, and top-of-the-line.

We don't have much use for it outside of emergencies like this, but the boss says you might be able to use it. Interested?

I know I am not familiar with many of you, but my name is Jaenelle, and I am an accomplished Healer. I have read that many of you are not feeling well, and if I can be of any assistance, you have but to ask.

[Filtered to Doctor Perry Cox]
So, Jesus, what are your feelings on the Palsy?


[Filtered to Seeley Booth]
Are you alright?

Ugh, I really can't remember the last time I was this hungover.

Hey, Cox, why do I have a bill of sale for the bar we were at and a significant amount of money missing from my bank account?

don't work and rp, you end up posting to the wrong community, ha

Hey, fancy playing doctor tomorrow? And not in that way so get your mind out of the gutter please.

( Post under cut. )

Oh gosh. The city government that does absolutely nothing because it has little to no power in this city was just overthrown. Fear the mighty powers of useless bureaucracy. The ineffectiveness of this new regime will be told in stories by bums gathered around trash barrels for years.

Dear Mother of God, save us. It's only a matter of time before we get strangled by red tape or taxed to death!

I for one am tired of all of the witches that we have plaguing our city. I propose a solution. For every witch that is turned over to me and found to be valid, a large sum of money or a goblin to serve your needs will be exchanged. The leader of this coven, a dark haired woman who goes by the alias Mary Poppins and Sir Roland Moorecock will be worth even more money and perhaps a share of my kingdom. Even a name and location will be worth something. Any takers?

I have returned from business, something that was strictly for Wolfram and Hart. I have been to Kiev and back to London, but now that the job is old news, I have come back to present a compromise for those who have history with me (or the older version of myself, as it truly is).

Potter, this is not the world that we come from, and I have no interest in doing what I intended to do back home, here. I have no reason for that, not when we are so vividly misplaced. I have promised my loyalties to Wolfram and Hart, and I will do what I can to aide their cause, however, I am willing to strike up a deal with you. It goes as follows: You don’t send any form of attack at me, and I will in return, leave you and your companions alone and untouched. I have no wishes to destroy anything from our reality by making the wrong move, and perhaps you should think about that as well. You leave me alone, and I leave you alone.

Narcissa, Edric, Scorpius; I would like to know where your loyalties lie. Inform me at once.

Bellatrix, I’ve seen your post. We need to meet.

Well.. this is unexpected. I do not know who pulled me from my Hell, or how I came to be here. I do know that I will take advantage of this opportunity. My enemies will most certainly feel my wrath. I will have my revenge. Now, who can tell me how I got here?

Also, I am amazed at the amount of insects crawling all over this city. But that is what they do.. and there is one other thing that they will do in short time, it is something that I require of all subjects that I eventually take hold of. Kneel before Zod!!

The next asshole to come into my bar, be an asshole and then get his asshole way at the expense of my good time, ruining my night and the night of people I can actually tolerate in this city in the process, isn't just getting his ass kicked by the previously mentioned people, he is getting fed piece by piece to snarling, slimy, salivating creatures in the night.

That's it. I'm going back into medicine, to hell with not being from this reality. By God, I will lie and cheat my way back to the job I had and all of you, you lucky people, you, are witnesses to the fact that the system can officially kiss my ass. People are dying out there every day, it's time to stop being so picky about a piece of paper, Los Angeles.

Or I'm just opening my own damned bar. If you're an asshole, you get to be verbally abused until you cry for mommy or maybe you'll just get beat down, no excuses. You insult the help, I'll let them do the beating. You drink what you're served if your drink order pisses me off - it's alcohol, it's not a sissified coffee with a fifteen word long name - and you will like it.

I need the name, location, and familial information of a red headed man who's been vexing me lately. He babbles meaninglessly and calls people by odd names like Gigi. He also has a small child named Jackie who has come in contact with the witch's brew. Said child will likely reek of rotten fruit. I will reward any useful information generously.

I need to find out the name, location, and familial information of a dark haired witch who has been vexing me recently. I will reward any useful information generously. She is recognizable by a sickeningly sweet, repulsive odorous bag of substance that she carries, and she might spread the concoction over her lair.

I'm starving. Ginny, go make me food! GO GO GO!

So I wanna know what the FUCK has Smallville so busy that he can't look after his supposed best friend. How the HELL did he let her marry SATAN? I really wanna fucking know.

All right, kids, here's the deal. I'm a doctor. I don't know about the rest of you, but that's what I went to school to do for the rest of my hopefully not-extended life until some merciful hand smote me down before I became too old to enjoy the oodles of cash I was promised and yet didn't actually get. Being a bartender is gosh darn swell and all, given the freedom to drink on the job if I really want to, which I usually do, but too much of a good thing makes it not good anymore. In theory.

Given that, yes, my life somehow is part of a TV show, it's been a little hard to prove I can, in fact, be a doctor. So, knowing some of you are actually having the same problem, I suggest we team up to either orchestrate some ethically sketchy credential creation or we branch out to other ideas.

So, who's in? Come on, I know you're all just dying to go back to a life of thankless public service. Fingers are just itching to hack into the next patient for no gosh darn good reason other than you like your shiny scalpel, aren't they? And yes, I am pointing my finger at you, Shuffle-Along.

There are days where I know, just know, that the human race eliminating itself by a half or more would be the best thing ever because humanity as a whole pretty well sucks. But then I drown myself in scotch, wake up, and realize that's crazy talk. As much as I might hate the world, there are still occasionally some things that make it worth making an effort to save lives. Not many, but there are a few.

God help me, though, this is getting a little old, kids. We get it. You're badass. You want us all to know so we give your tantrums some attention. And I'm just enough of a masochist to give that to you for a moment, because you have finally roused me from extreme apathy and made me care. This is by no means a small feat but you did it! Take a bow.

Did you take it? Yes, take it, we're all waiting. Okay, taken now? Good!

Now shut the hell up. If I'm going to be stuck here in Wonderland on drugs, I'm going to have it involve less of these gosh darn freaky pleas for attention.

The socialites were having a heated gathering last night at the Hotel Roosevelt and unfortunately it didn’t end well. I’m afraid one thing led to another and ultimately, the party died down and ceased to exist after an hour of festivities. It was quite terrible. I can’t even bring myself to imagine how they will ever manage to get the blood stains out of the carpet… It will take time, I believe.

Potter, you can think of this as a present from me to you. Fifty five gifts in all. They’re cold and as stiff as a door, but it’s the thought that counts. You should consider stopping by and having a look around. I’m sure it will bring back fond memories.

I feel rejuvenated. I think I'll have a good day.

Okay...that's kind of weird. Last time I checked, I was in Seattle.

Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?

h a te hateh a T E

en d th e WORLDeveryt hin g
so tIre d

God, I hate you all.

Isn't this situation just special.

Now look. I don't particularly know who is in charge here, but I better be getting two return tickets home pretty darn fast. I know, I know, how can I possibly turn down such an opportunity? I must be crazy! Well, given that I didn't go to school to be David Copperfield and I am, in fact, allergic to anything to do with Siegfried and Roy, this abrupt appearance here just isn't in my chosen bag of tricks or part of my daily routine. So, as much as I hate, just hate with all my heart, to be a poor sport, this really isn't going to work for me.

So. Take me to your leader. Beam me up Scotty. Whatever works for you.