PARABOLICAL GRAFFITI

Okay, just a word to the wise for all you wannabe baddies out there. If you mess with one of mine, you're going to regret it. And yes, I know all the good guys say that, but the thing is, I actually mean it. Hurt one of mine, I will not rest until I've hunted you down and made you pay for it.

Darla, that puts you smack at the top of my list right now. So do yourself a favor you washed up has-been, and back off. You've already gone to dust twice. Something tells me the third time is all the strikes you're going to get.

Oh, and for the non-baddies out there with no fighting ability whatsoever?

STAY INSIDE UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE.

Really. Can't put it much simpler than that.

All right, I'm done with this. It's been a few days of lounging in a hotel waiting for whatever I was sent here to do to show up so I can deal with it and go home, but I haven't gotten any messages and they're quiet when Freddie Mercury's on. Either they're messing with me or they're waiting for something to build up, and either way I need to be prepared for the longterm. If I wasn't already in their badbooks I'd fly back to London without a second thought, but my people don't like disobedience when it comes to disobeying THEM.

Damnit, has anyone seen an blond Englishman who dresses like it's the 50's, calls everyone "my dear", and is gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide? Maybe in some depressingly ancient bookstore? How about a twelve-year-old who recently averted the Apocolypse?

I'll need a flat, I'll need reliable speakers, and I'll need wine. Lots and lots of wine. I could use someone to discuss theological and philosophical querries with while drinking wine, but I guess I can live without that.

Los Amgeles, city of angels. Hah. I'm Crowley, what the he fuck is going on?

OK GUYS HERE'S THE DEAL

Like Cordy said, you don't know what you're doing you oughta stay off the streets.  Shit, I will admit that I am doing less running around than usual just 'cause there ain't a whole lot of bonkin' to be done and I don't like luggin' around the heavy machinery just to go grab a coffee, y'know? 

But I get that you guys ain't used to this.  The whole not-supposed-to-be-goin'-outside thing.  See, I grew up under air raids and blackouts and shit, and you can't go out durin' those, so I'm used to it.

Bit of advice from somebody who been there, then, right?  First off, you oughta have like a month's worth of food and water in your house anyway, but I bet you guys are fuckin' lazy 'cause you don't got a war goin' on so I bet you don't actually do it.  So get some pals together or some shit and go out to the store and stock up and then get home and don't be goin' to frickin' Target six frickin' times a day 'cause you ran outta frickin' Cup Noodle, ok?  Get your ass loaded up with all that happy crap that don't go bad and then get home and get cozy.

And shit, have your friends do the same thing, have them stay over, and have a fuckin' Blackout Party.  You guys got the advantage 'cause you don't gotta worry about your electric gettin' shut off in the middle, even.  You can play - I don't know, whatever video games you got right now, Playstations and shit - or watch movies or something.  Or fuck, play Monopoly.  Actually don't play Monopoly.  Monopoly is fuckin' boring 'less you're playin' it wrong.  But you get the idea.

I know we got at least two, three other guys who grew up in war zones - bitchtits, I'm lookin' at you, London musta been under lockdown more often'n Boston, right? - so maybe we can get some useful ideas goin' in here for the schmucks.

edit: oh fuck you all i'm goin to bed

Vampires are not real! Has anyone seen Michelle? She has curly hair, kinda tall great body, slightly outspoken? She always, strangely has a good answer for everything in these moments. Well, almost.

This is like the beginning of a really bad horror flick, one that has the deadly potential to be completely cheesy in the way that would normally force me to turn the channel back to Food Network. You know, some people may ask me: “Lois, whatever are you doing watching a Thirty Minute Meals marathon?” Well, here’s the thing folks: There aren’t any bad ‘need to be thrown from a cliff’ actors prancing around a kitchen while Rachel shows us all how to make a garden salad with raspberry vinaigrette. I mean, yeah, I can’t cook worth crap, but still. I can sit there and watch other people make (rumored) delicious meals in under thirty minutes because that's just how it…

Wow, now I’m really starting to get off topic, so excuse me while I throw myself back onto the original rant.

So, I was having a nice walk outside the Daily Planet when some jackass just comes up from behind me and… well, that’s the thing… I don’t really know what he did. I mean, I saw him for like, a second or two, and the next thing I know I’m waking up in some trashy apartment in LA, with Mr. Tall Dark and Psycho nowhere to be seen. I mean honestly, what kind of scoundrel kidnaps a lady and then fails to show up when she opens her eyes? That’s so not very Prince Charming like, and whoever you are, there will be no second date. So forget about calling me. It’s off.

At least he was considerate enough to leave my laptop here.

I find it terribly amusing that the good samaritans of this city feel the need to advise the general public about the dangers those of us who are considered to be...unconventional. The fact of the matter is, while it would be in the public's best interest to stay indoors, they will not listen. Closed areas become claustrophobic and confining after time and humans are not meant to be contained. They will venture out and if the unconventional decide to play with them during their foolish escapades, so be it. I believe your Darwin called this "survival of the fittest."

This is really starting to freak me out!