Dunwich: A Creepypasta Panfandom Game

I'm on call but I'm ordering in a bunch of pizzas and chicken wings and things to MIST.

I figure those things probably keep when you stick them in a fridge.

[ASTARION]

What do you need?

I wanted to text Sabrina and tell her my quest for my blue cookie monster coat has finally come to an end, and then I remembered she's no longer here.

Then I tried to take selfies and remembered that I'm a 75 year old vampire who only recently caught on to the fact that whatever makes Dunwich work, also grants me the ability to take selfies, and I've had no practice, I don't know my angles and I don't know how anyone manages to capture themselves in frame.

Then I just got confused by the concept of filters.

My brain's just not braining right today. You know how it is when you're gassy and it just won't release? My brain's going through that.

So just imagine a blue coat. Black skinny jeans. Fishnet tank. And Doc Martens. I think I look okay, but it's hard to say.

Hey assholes, where's my Meeseeks boxes? I'm waiting.

You know how those songs about cabin fever go? Yeah, those singers ain't wrong.

I'm currently sitting underneath a street lantern, spite eating a prepackaged ham and cheese croissant from the Roxxcart, because I know it could've been worse. Malkavians do like to encompass the spectrum, and then some.

I still feel like a fucking teenager for sitting here like, except I'm too good of a catholic boy to smoke and drink and I probably asked my daddy if I could stay out until midnight.

But screw you, fear of the dark. I know what's out there. I don't need to be afraid.

Also help. I broke my sunglasses. Can someone magical fix them? Please?

Well damn, Diana.

Uhm. I need help with my Mr Meeseeks.

I think I broke him.

As in he's outright sobbing.

ayay ostmay airestfay arningway.

i'm oinggay otay asspay onyay everythingyay isthay onthmay.

if ouyay antway otay omecay overyay otay eckchay upyay onyay emay , ingbray oodlightsflay.

okay? okayyay.

Friends, foes, countrymen, fanged ones and question marks. Like who is Sum-Sum Question Mark?

Unimportant note 1- I'm going to have some trouble this month with a new phobia, which is uncalled for and I'm going to need one hell of a note for work and I'm going to need more atmospheric lighting in my apartment. Maybe some neon signs?

Unimportant note 2 - Last night I accidentally opened my phone camera and took a selfie. This has never worked for me before, and as someone who has not seen his visage since 1973 - I'm still cute I'm really glad I shaved before I was Embraced.

But I digress.

We lived. We lived through this battle. And I happen to think this needs celebrating, you know?

I think all of our battles need celebrating. Not with balls, because those get weird and we're all leery of those now, I know. I've not been here long, but I'm getting the serious implication that this place does not like it when we work together. And to that I say 'fuck you'.

So I'm going to be cooking up a feast. Actual chefs are welcome to join me because I haven't needed to cook anything since 1973 and I still burned water before that. Maybe you guys could tell me when Helen, Frances and Edna are pulling my leg and I don't need to froth egg whites with Sprite and a fish fork or boil ketchup to make frosting or whatever. We're going to have onion blossoms. Pie. Chicken. Meatloaf. And yeah, more specific diets where required.

And we're all going to sit down in a couple of days, and we're going to have a feast. We're going to eat, be merry, and be thankful we're still alive. We're going to play board games and old video games on a Sega System that I found in the trash. We're going to talk. We're going to snack. We're going to laugh. We're going to remember those who left us. And we're all going home with leftovers.

Do we have any birthdays coming up? Did we forget any? We can celebrate those too.

This is not an April Fool's joke, either. As a Malkavian, I've got the rest of the year for that.

Yesterday was a really good reminder why I usually run from danger, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. There was a time I didn't run from danger and instead just headed straight for it, but I haven't done that since I was 28.

I'll just stick to patching you guys up as well as I can. That I know to do.

So here's a formal note - if you don't want to head over to MIST why, I'm happy to pay you a visit. Just please don't put off medical help, alright?

[SYLVIE]

Are you good now? It wore off?

[TEXT TO SYLVIE]

↦ hey
↦ it is eye, malachi
↦ this is a check-in at the 'malachi cares' hotel
↦ you doing okay?

[DELIVERED TO EDDIE KASPBRAK]

Medical supplies he was able to schmooze the nurses into giving him, and a 10L bottle of vinegar.

[DELIVERED TO HOPPER AND CONSTANTINE]

Two identical cards, signed in Malachi's neat penmanship, and a gift card for some alcohol. Coincidentally, it also says, 'not recommended you drink this while on painkillers'.

[DELIVERED TO LUCIFER]

Along with a note, there are three small boxes, each wrapped in some of the loudest and most obnoxious gift wrap the Roxxcart used to sell. one, two, three. The note simply says 'welcome to the neighborhood! malachi allen.' in Malachi's surprisingly neat penmanship.

Where's the Blockbuster in town?

I feel the sudden and irrepressible urge to rent Waterworld but I can't find it on the map... thing.

It isn't a Hollywood Video town, is it?




Oh yeah, hi.

HEY YOU.

YOU UNSALTED DEEP BAG OF FISH AND CHIPS.

And your stupid little minions too.

I will grab a chisel and I will start hammering away at that giant dick metaphor you put up in the ocean, you hear me? I am old. I am grumpy. I haven't slept like the dead in two weeks. But I have a job to do, and you will let me do it, and you haven't let me do it and now I am sucking blood out of a bag because one of your stupid minions TOOK A BITE OUT OF ME.

No seriously, has anyone made a fry basket big enough? Can we order in oil from the fields in Saudi Arabia? We could make some paella and have a mighty good time.

Someone else get me a flotation device and a chisel. I'm gonna make it GO LIMP. _{No, a JACKHAMMER.}

I'm going to do it.

I am so tired of this place taking away the ONE THING I have going for myself. Every time I try to help, it's like "Nah, sorry. You can't break into this person's mind. They're just stone. Or I've got way too much control and you don't. " Just ONCE I'd like to be able to get in there and put things RIGHT. Instead of fucking up

Did anyone happen to put a very ghastly looking book on my nightstand? It has a face on the cover, purple gems for eyes.

It doesn't seem to want to open.

I quite like it, actually. I approve.

Tonight on the radio I will be doing Open Lines, so please do call in to Night Bites if you need any advice.

If you would rather write a question, you may leave it privately here and I'll keep you anonymous as I read it. You have my word that no one shall know it was you.

It'll be fun. I do give the best advice.

This town can be so creepy at night. The shadows ain't shadows, the light ain't bright enough, the water's churning and the sewer's giggling

Give me New York. Give me Los Angeles. Give me Paree, because I've never been outside of the US. Wait, no. I have. My bad.

But hey, whatcha doing? Anything cool? Interesting?

Also, funniest things you've ever seen, list them below. Try to keep it relatively PG, and if not, behind an adult filter.

[DAHJ]

Hey. I saw your dad on main street in the middle of the night, which is fine. He's a grown man a well developed well-programmed and I'm sure he can take care of himself.

But he's either 1) trying to attract lobstrosities, 2) emulating lobstrosities, 3) stuck in a little loop of self-repeating -Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?- and I thought you should know because if he is stuck in a little loop, maybe he's not aware of it and needs a little uh - whatever century y'all are from - help? I do leet speek and old code and that is it.

Is it a good idea to force him to go to Pickman's?

A friend has said repeatedly that I should not be afraid to ask for help if I need it, so
I'm asking... How do you convince your heart to not love someone anymore? I've tried logic and tequila and neither have been successful. Time is proving to not be my friend either.

Okay, this is very important. In relation to - myself, I mean.

Does anyone have any of those lobster flavored candies left over from the parade? Because I will gladly take them off your hands.

[ASTARION]
Are you still doing alright over there?

It's good practice to not provoke the lobstrosities, and to keep your fingers away from their claws, ordinary or lobstrosity both. And I know it won't happen to anyone on this server, because much like Dunwich natives, you have common sense and don't do things upon a drunken dare after dinner.

70uR1572

why do I forget this every five years when I get comfortable enough stick around a town for long enough to

Please keep all phalanges and otherwise similarly-or-smaller-sized appendages away from lobsters or lobstrosities.

On that note, would anyone please allow me access to their bathtub for a couple of hours? I need a lob-less tepid soak, and I only have a shower.

Upon superficial perusal of the network, I am overjoyed at being proven right once again!—That humanity is, at its core, a trite, unsurprising, and mundane species with very little capacity for nuance and innovation. Why, look at how you've all sequestered yourselves in the humdrum of monotonous living, foolishly trying to feed your starving souls by chewing on stodgy remnants of bromidic interactions and abstruse small talk. How tedious! How commonplace! How drab!

How perfectly t y p i c a l .

You'd think after billions of years I'd finally be accustomed to this! But no! I still hold out hope that your primitive bipedal species will one day break the cycle. Alas, today is clearly not that day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

That being said, those of you who attended my soiree have made it onto my NICE LIST. And those of you who declined my generous invitation, well, perhaps after a small demonstration of my charity your manners will show some improvement. Until then, try not to let my presence gnaw at you.

It will, of course.

And because I assume most of you lack the clarity of perception, allow me to introduce myself.

I AM Q.

And despite the fact that Jean-Luc isn't here, I have decided to stick around, as they say, and continue the Trial of Humanity. Best of luck to all of you. I'd say the jury is out, but it's very clearly in.

On a related note—who was going to tell me that young Spock has abs?!

I'm gainfully employed again, so there's that. I'd make a bigger deal out of it if it wasn't exactly what I've mostly done since the late 1960s, so I'm happy to let this one slip past.

But just as a hypothetical, what would happen if you hit the ghost line at full speed? Does anyone know?

Now that I'm steadier on my feet, let me apologize for my behavior a few days ago.

I wasn't very coherent. And I'll try not to repeat it.

[DIANA]
You're crazy. But thank you again for your help. And the blood.

If I can ever do anything to repay the favor, please let me know.

[VAMPIRES]
Please read me out.

I apologize if any of you have felt the ramifications of my behavior a couple of days ago. I was fighting Frenzy, and I may have conflated my intentions. I also very much would like to be able to promise that say it won't happen again, because I am usually better than this. This town really caught me off guard.

I'm aware I don't know a ton of you guys yet, but I'm in a little bit of a tight spot at the moment.

I need the kind of sustenance that your average wargh-blargh-I-am-Dracula-actually-we-actually-kind-of-dislike-Dracula-and-Bram-Stoker-in-my-world-because-they're-a-little-you-know? Dramatic

And I am not in town. I played Timmy in Oliver Twist in school once.

Imagine that scene.

( Read more... )

It's really hard to find a song that doesn't have dirty connotations.

If any of you telepaths happen to wake up to '100 bottles of beer on the wall' in the morning, that's a good sign. Might be 'wheels on the bus'. I'm going to go with my mood and the atmosphere.

But please come find me, it means I'm in trouble. But it still is a good sign.

Question:

How do you keep a landshark from eating a hedgehog?

I'm looking for a job and a hug, preferably online or after dusk.

Has anyone need for a vampire with no physical skills or abilities, who worked the past few decades as a paramedic, lived in a basement with another hacker for two decades before that and slung beers before that?

No, scratch that. I want a hug first and I'm not afraid to ask for it.

So, okay, maybe I shouldn't have get the really wet egg that I got for Christmas. But it wasn't moving, and I couldn't hear anything inside it, so I didn't think destroying it was a big priority, right?

I was so wrong.

This morning, it opened up. I swear, I thought the thing inside was going to make me a pod person, but Jeff popped out. Jeff, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Jeff.

Greetings. I am Spock.

I understand that I may have been here before. I apologize in advance for any confusion my appearance may cause.

Feel free to share any pertinent information you believe I require in order to acclimate to this situation. Likewise, I am open to answering any queries you may have. Please list them in an orderly fashion. I will answer them in accordance to their logical relevance.

Note: I am already aware that I should decline any and all party invitations.

So I don't want to say I told you so, because I didn't say anything, but definitely don't go to any parties like the New Year's Eve event in Dunwich.

That being said.

If anyone needs any resources, I've been prepping for a situation like this. Let me know. Food, water, medical supplies. If anyone need a break and a safe place, I've got a pretty cool gaming set up, too.