Involuntary RPG Journal Entries

back just in time for pub night, it seems... what luck i have, non? also... i doubt anyone will want to return anywhere near this place in the future, but if you do, coober pedy is a fascinating place. houses underground, shops and museums filled with opals...ah, well. perhaps in another life.

[Filtered to Mo's friends — Understanding, Filipe, Max, Ivan, Fréd, Rianne, Sonia — OK, ALL THE FLAMINGOS I GUESS — Kelly, Eli, Elias, Jada, Harlow, Nawal, & I am stopping here because THIS LIST IS INSANE]

i'm sorry. you don't have to forgive me, but i regret what i did in my fear and my selfishness and impulsiveness. i regret if i hurt you. i came back because...i realized if i could leave you, i could leave anyone...i could never trust myself to be a friend again, a person of any significance to anything. in the wake of all this death and destruction i am comfortable in saying i love you all very much.

merci, always, for your friendship,
muhammad

[Filtered to The Hunger Vols - Nawal, Sonia, Val, Muhammad, Understanding, Ophelia, Sadie, Gabi, Neve, Nelly, & Edwin]

ok? i find that there are only two things which distract me from the hunger pangs....the soundtrack of carmen and another thing i am told not to speak of.... and yourselves?

[FILTERED TO TEAM FLAMINGO]

chère équipe du flamant,

somebody will please wake me up friday morning, svp, i am not designed for awakening before 10 a.m. and i do sometimes become terribly confused.....do not be alarmed, this is normal.... and at 11 a.m. i must have the radio on the station 103.4 because this is the bach hour.

merci,
muhammad

it is better to be fully responsible for one's own actions, or better to have something else to blame? do i have free will, or am i more under control than i know?

either way, i am thinking, it has the cloying taste of shame.

today my adviser, felix, he showed me this from the american radio, and it is my new favorite game. this is all we did....all day.... so i hope that all of you are working as hard as me (which is to say....not at all).

not many people at dinner tonight....was there a party?

today i am feeling very homesick, but you know i am not in any hurry to distract myself from this feeling...the meaning of a thing is not just the pleasure that it brings you, but also, i think, how much it hurts when it is taken away....i don't wish to weaken its hold over me, i wish to always remain spellbound, a child of oran.

( cut for image )

i miss mostly the smell...i think because the desert here is reminiscent, but not quite....my home smelled of hot, dry air and sandstone, saltwater and petrol, roasted lamb, citrus, smoke and ashes. what did your home smell like?

ummm, whoever you are with the adderallesque reaction to music....i must confess i had your power on sunday, i forgot to say this until now. it was wonderful. please, come to the orchestra practice whenever you like. i do not think anybody will mind.

and: now that it is past midnight, officially it has become the birthday of my favorite composer. who can guess?

today it is léo delibes' birthday! normally i am not so excited about the composers' birthdays.....because who cares......but this one, i think, is special to me. coppélia was my first ballet. and he studied at the conservatoire de paris, which i maybe you do not know of him, but certainly you have heard the flower duet, non? it is a ubiquitous melody. and he was a great influence on tchaikovsky also. you know, tchaikovsky said of him that he was a better composer than brahms......but he also said that brahms was a no-talent hack. poor brahms. i think perhaps this is an overly stringent assessment....

umm, has anyone seen understanding today? he has not stopped by so i wonder if he is ill also, allah forbid.

[Understanding, Jada, Lidia]

amis,

you have all asked to go to the dance with me. i cannot choose who it is i love most, so can we not all just go together? we will protest ummmm, monogamy and things. i promise that you will enjoy each other's company and umm, maybe some other charms, who knows.

a bientôt,

muhammad

that was quite good! will there be another 'halftime'?

[Mostly in French, but with a few random phrases in English & Arabic. Good luck, folks.]

oh my god, am i dead? hello>? if i am alive, why. and if i am dead, how tragic it is, that i lived only as myself, only as muhammad, never truly nderstand ing what if means to be somebody else. what a limited and selfish creature i am. i was. is anyone else here? if this is death,i dont

want to be alone......

mon dieu .in the de wall;en looking for a BTHROOM

pourqiou est-ce toujourd le cas pour moik

i

am

so drunkl

&u i must catch my train......

ummmm.....how do you get rid of a rash? is there something i can put on this? ever since last night in your room, filipe, it itches and itches, like a snake who cannot shed his skin.

[Mo's friends, idk use your discretion.]

i cannot take it anymore. all of this arguing, chip or no chip. me, i went to hide in the bathroom today, instead of lunch. now i think, my hair, it is falling out. i will be bald by the end of the week. forgive me my ugliness.

i should have never got out of bed this morning...

sometimes i open the book of poetry by Rumi, you know, on random page. just to see what maybe he will say to me. i mean, it is not like he cares, about me, you know? he is dead, and also he is very important. but all of us we have these silly notions i think. today it is this one:

passion makes the old medicine new:
passion lops off the bough of weariness.
passion is the elixir that renews:
how can there be weariness
when passion is present?
oh, don't sigh heavily from fatigue:
seek passion, seek passion, seek passion!

he was very randy you know, monsieur rumi. but this from the masnavi, collection of his teachings, so perhaps it meaning, not so unakalfkjdsk?

still. i receive the aura (?) massage from understanding-the-person today (merci, understanding). what is my life, i do not know.