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I was in terrible shape when I came here and I thought the thing that I wanted most in the world was to be left alone. As most of you may have noticed over the course of the year, I do quite a bit of writing in a notebook; I don't usually go back through and look at what I've recorded, but I spent sometime last night doing so. It's strange to read your own evolution (pun intended) over the course of a year and try to relive those feelings and those events in your mind. It's even more strange to realise just how much I've changed, even though I tend to take just as many steps back as forward. Like rock climbing in a way - sometimes a way up looks good, but you end up having to go back down a bit before seeing a clearer way up.
I've always been a private person by nature and I certainly hold to the English stereotype of playing emotions very close to the vest. It's never been much of an issue because I've lived, until this place, the entirety of my life within that very prevalent social convention. It's been a phenomenal education, then, to be around so many people that are used to a different mode of operation. From the explicitly religious to the unrepentantly emotional... I can't say that I'll ever be any of those things myself, but it's certainly softened some of my approaches to things. I am indelibly altered.
There were some very good things about this place. I know that a lot of the countries work quite differently, but in Britain we all went about our lives, never knowing another Vol. While I can't speak for everyone, I find myself surprised by how much of a gap in my life that was. Even for someone so used to being a pariah as myself, I find that I really did take a lot of strength from the sense of fellowship that just naturally kind of sprung up here and was, for better or worse, honed over time by the bad acts of the IVF.
I'm fairly diligent when it comes to New Year's Resolutions and 2013's is to Be A More Authentic Person. It'll always be a work in progress, but I think being here with the lot of you has made a lot of progress on that front. I do find myself feeling more self-assured. Connected. So in that spirit, rather than hide this in my notebook to be buried away by time, I'll post it publicly.
Good luck everyone. If you're ever in the UK, give me a ring. Those of you already there: expect phone calls. And plans.
I've always been a private person by nature and I certainly hold to the English stereotype of playing emotions very close to the vest. It's never been much of an issue because I've lived, until this place, the entirety of my life within that very prevalent social convention. It's been a phenomenal education, then, to be around so many people that are used to a different mode of operation. From the explicitly religious to the unrepentantly emotional... I can't say that I'll ever be any of those things myself, but it's certainly softened some of my approaches to things. I am indelibly altered.
There were some very good things about this place. I know that a lot of the countries work quite differently, but in Britain we all went about our lives, never knowing another Vol. While I can't speak for everyone, I find myself surprised by how much of a gap in my life that was. Even for someone so used to being a pariah as myself, I find that I really did take a lot of strength from the sense of fellowship that just naturally kind of sprung up here and was, for better or worse, honed over time by the bad acts of the IVF.
I'm fairly diligent when it comes to New Year's Resolutions and 2013's is to Be A More Authentic Person. It'll always be a work in progress, but I think being here with the lot of you has made a lot of progress on that front. I do find myself feeling more self-assured. Connected. So in that spirit, rather than hide this in my notebook to be buried away by time, I'll post it publicly.
Good luck everyone. If you're ever in the UK, give me a ring. Those of you already there: expect phone calls. And plans.