Home is where the heart is. And the lungs. And the spleen. And just so much blood. But especially the heart. You're not sure why it's here or where it came from but it's definitely beating.
Welcome to Night Vale.
Citizens of Night Vale, and listeners of Night Vale Public Radio, this is Cecil Palmer, the voice of Night Vale, coming to you in a slightly different format this morning. This really is an exciting development! Night Vale has launched the entire net. Now, as you all know, I am something of a ludite, but I have been assured that this new avenue for information and communication is almost entirely safe. To the degree that anything is safe. Which, as we all know, is not at all.
I am using this method to reach out to you all because of some other exciting news. Which, thinking about it, I maybe should have led with, but hindsight, as we all know, is 30/20. Portals have begun appearing around our beautiful desert city, spitting out people from other worlds. While we have not ruled out some strange form of viral marketing for the Starbucks fall menu - don't you just love a good Pumpkin Spice Latte, I know I do - we think this may in fact be more serious. Still, if you're feeling like a fall treat, swing by the new Starbucks in the pit behind the Ralph's and get yourself a PSL or Salted Caramel Frappucino. Starbucks - Coffee won't make the world less upsetting, but it will make you more caffeinated!
In any case, we welcome our new visitors-slash-potential citizens. Sure, you may be trapped here, with no way to return to the place where you came from, until such a time that the indifferent universe sees fit to send you there, but isn't that all of life? So really, welcome new citizens of Night Vale.
The City Council has also asked that I issue a few reminders. These, obviously, are first time reminders for our new residents.
There is a Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Somerset. Under no circumstances should you enter the Dog Park, as it is a gateway to a horrible desert otherworld. Do not look at the Dog Park and definitely do not take your dog there. The Dog Park probably will not harm you.
There are hooded figures within, and sometimes without, the Dog Park. Do not approach them, or look at them, or think too long about them. They are rarely dangerous and almost never openly steal children any more.
Do not enter the Night Vale Public Library, no matter how brave you may think you are. This year has seen a record low number of Librarian-related fatalities and we would like to keep it that way. Please don't mess this up for us. We're trying very hard. Remember, if you see a Librarian, it is already too late.
You may encounter tall winged beings, all named Erika, who claim to be angels. That is because they are and we can now acknowledge their existence, thanks to recent legal decisions. They are very friendly and helpful. One of the angels is frequently nude. We are deeply sorry.
Scientists have been studying these new portals, trying to figure out - through science - what has caused them and if they can be reversed. As of reporting, they do not seem to have made much progress. Night Vale's head scientist, Carlos, assures us that science takes time and that surely an answer will come soon. Or it won't. Such is the way of things. I would like to remind Carlos to be home on time for dinner, as it is Taco Tuesday and his husband misses him when he works too long.
Housing has been established for our new residents in the Barista District. The Last Resort housing complex has sat abandoned since it's creation, mostly because we didn't actually need it and overzealous builders really did not listen to the fact that everyone already had houses. But now we need them, so retroactively, that is good. It has certainly not sat abandoned for any other reason. Our new citizens can have a very literal home away from home. These apartments and condominiums (not to be confused with the condos that plagued our community a few years ago) offer wonderful accommodations as well as state of the art amenities. Such as beds. And kitchens. And appliances one finds in kitchens. The building also comes equipped with a gym, arcade, work space, pool, and spa. Just don't go to the thirteenth floor, which does not exist. The Last Resort, the last home you'll ever need!
Big Rico's Pizza, which has been thriving since the ban on wheat and wheat by-products was lifted, is offering discounts for the rest of the month to welcome our new citizens. Nobody does a slice like Big Rico's, and not just because every other pizza place burned down mysteriously.
Once again, welcome to our new residents, and good night, Night Vale. Good night.
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