HADES
Hello.
Someone told me they thought I might be able to help you?
ZAGREUS
Yes! Hello!
I'm so glad we were able to get in touch with you.
Who is this?
ZAGREUS
King of the Underworld? God of the Dead? That Hades?
HADES
Is there another Hades?
ZAGREUS
Probably. There are a lot of people in the world.
HADES
okay sure.
Yes. That Hades.
ZAGREUS
Then yes, I probably do need your help.
Conditionless would be ideal. I'm not feeling up to much at the moment.
HADES
I'm not in the business of signing contracts I can't read
what do you need help with?
ZAGREUS
I know. And I've heard the song Orpheus wrote about it.
He won't sign a contract that he didn't read / and he won't cut you slack if you beg and plead / tough negotiations are part of his culture / so be careful or your spleen might be eaten by a vulture
Admittedly not his best work
HADES
not his worst, either
ZAGREUS
Also true.
So I keep dying.
At home obviously not a problem.
ZAGREUS
I die, I get dumped out into the River Styx, I land in your office. Grand old time. Oh how we laugh. Well, mostly everyone else, and mostly at me.
HADES
I haven't had an office close to the river in years...
ZAGREUS
Are you the god of technicalities now? All right. What's the end of a river, then. The... basin? The unbasin?
Anyway. If I die here, I don't know what's going to happen. So I would prefer to avoid it.
And you seemed to know what was going to happen to me if I went to the surface.
So maybe you know how this works.
HADES
I don't even know who you are.
ZAGREUS
Are you trying a new variation on the silent treatment?
ZAGREUS
One where you pretend you don't know who I am?
That was incredibly specific dad
I am the only person this could possibly apply to
HADES
what did you just call me?
ZAGREUS
Sorry. Ἁιδης. Aδάμαστος! GIVER OF WEALTH. THE UNSEEN. GOD OF THE DEAD. KING OF THE UNDERWORLD. HE WHO DROVE THE TITANS FROM THE HEAVENS AND LOCKED THEM IN THE BOWELS OF TARTARUS. DARK FATHER OF ALL BEINGS, SUCH AS ZAGREUS, GOD OF PERPETUALLY DISAPPOINTING HADES. EXAMPLE.
Bowels? Is that right?
ZAGREUS
Almost forgot QUEEN OF DRAMA.
Seriously, dad. You can't run back to that well every time I forget to file an expense report.
HADES
I'm not -
I'm not playing games here,
...Zagreus?
I don't have a son. I don't know who you are.
ZAGREUS
If this is your way of telling me that you lied to me about BOTH of my parents then it's honestly only marginally better than your original plan, which was of course to try to get Cerberus to eat me.
HADES
Cerebus has very strict dietary requirements. I would never.
ZAGREUS
You know he gets a little bit of souls of the damned as a treat.
HADES
The poor nymph who walks him hates when I do that. But yes.
ZAGREUS
If I knew how to get back in the house without dying I'd take him myself.
I understand why the gate code would be a closely guarded secret but you could at least tell the security guard to let me in.
But it's fine. It's fine.
We don't need to rehash who lied to who about whose parentage.
HADES
Do you mean the lobby of my building? I don't have a gate code. It's a high rise.
ZAGREUS
Is that not what a high rise means
HADES
its a tall building
ZAGREUS
Oh
You could still have a gate
A tall gate
ZAGREUS
How do you keep the shades from breaking in if you don't have a gate?
HADES
I just
like I don’t really live near them
ZAGREUS
Then who watches them to make sure they're not doing anything shady
HADES
I have people for that
ZAGREUS
Don't you feel like hiding away in your tower is leaving you disconnected from the experiences of the people you govern and leaving you more vulnerable to escape attempts, or worse?
Or nah
HADES
why would they want to escape?
ZAGREUS
Would you like an alphabetical list, or a chronology of specific examples
HADES
I’ve made the Underworld into a wonder place. We have thriving industry, luxury apartment building, better restaurants than Olympus... I don’t understand.
ZAGREUS
Charon's vastly overcharging for centaur hearts and we both know it.
But that's not really the point.
I'm sure some of the shades are happy enough, but eternal torment and/or servitude while you slowly lose any semblance of who you used to be unless you happened to die in combat just doesn't sit right. You know? Seems a little draconian.
HADES
no one is being tormented.
well
no one who doesn’t deserve it
ZAGREUS
Have you actually spoken to Sisyphus? Or Prometheus? Or Eurydice? They're very nice! Very nice people who were trying to do nice things.
Did you know that the Minotaur was wandering aimlessly on the outskirts of the underworld until Theseus found him? And now he's FRIENDS with THESEUS?
No one has done something so terrible that they should have to be friends with Theseus
HADES
. . .
Didn’t you say you were dying?
ZAGREUS
Slowly this time, it would seem.
But yes.
HADES
why don’t we just focus on fixing that problem.
ZAGREUS
Fine. Pin in Sisyphus.
When I was on the surface, I found that being on the River Styx kept me from dying. My mother said it was because I was no longer fully in the surface world.
I had hoped that perhaps you might be able to help me find some of its waters.
HADES
I could... probably help with that, yes.
ZAGREUS
Yeah?
That would be fantastic
HADES
We should meet somewhere
ZAGREUS
All right. I can meet you... wherever it is that I am.
I don't know where anywhere else is
HADES
how about the lobby?
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