Welcome to Night Vale

Figures.

Save the world from a vengeful god and immediately get banished to another alternate reality.

Can’t a guy catch a break?

I'm just putting it out there into the universe because I'm feeling kind of sad lonely: would anybody be interested in a big group thing for Thanksgiving? I have plenty of room at the bar and am willing to host.

In need of ideas to help get your girlfriend to not be pissed at you. Or flirt with seriously everyone and kiss stupid bartenders All I got is flowers and chocolate.


And yeah, alright, so I'm a shit boyfriend or whatever. I'm a work in progress.

BROOKE

do you wanna maybe not ignore me and walk around with like nothing on? this is practically torture catch a movie or something?

It's really quiet in the bunker without Jody and the girls. No one has insulted my shoes or my cooking in days.

It's almost making me excited for Halloween. Which is something that I never thought I'd say. Though I've never hated it as much as Sam does.

private to ben
When you're ready to talk, I can meet you at the bunker or the Roadhouse.

I guess I just lost my only employee, sooooo I should probably do something about that.

Consider this a help wanted ad. Currently seeking (1) or more reasonably responsible people to serve as bartenders. Inquiries accepted here, or feel free to stop in Harvelle's.

Okay, I'm calling it.

One of these snakes is most definitely a boy, and now I have absolutely got an egg situation. Curse you, St Patrick. On the flip side, tiny little baby snakes? My inner child is squeeing.

As impending grandmother-hood looms on my 20-something ass, I'm looking for a sparring partner. My condition is that you must be invulnerable, and I'm not talking 'oh, I can take a hit', I mean in-fucking-vulnerable. I can throw a tank to the god-damned moon, I don't need the guilt of punching your face through your skull and the healers not being able to fix it.

Hit me up; 1-800-AMERICA-KICKED-MY-ASS (don't dial that, i have no idea what weird kinky line you'll end up on here).

We're just about to when everyone starts decorating for Halloween, so a public service announcement:

Do not go to the creepy occult bookstore for inspiration, don't buy a dusty old book written primarily in Latin, and definitely do not draw any of the symbols if you ignore my advice and do the first two. Especially don't draw any of the symbols in blood -- human or otherwise.

It's been a hell of a couple days, so here's what I'm thinking: First three drinks are on the house at Harvelle's tonight. We've got cold beer, a pool table that's only slightly off-balance, and a karaoke machine if you really want to torment everyone else, so come on by. I could use the distraction

This is [...] huh. Definitely new. Definitely not where I went to sleep. My mom's going to kill me

So I've read back a little, I think I get the lay of the land. Kind of. Am I understanding right that we're basically trapped, no way home, and this town is about as abnormal as it gets?

Are we supposed to introduce ourselves like we're on match.com?

Okay, here goes: Hi, I'm Ben Braeden. I'm a Leo, I enjoy long walks on the beach (apparently there's one of those?), apple pie, and hunting evil being elbow-deep in obscure mythological lore. Nice to meet everyone? There, that doesn't sound completely stupid, right?

So, the woman who brought up getting together a roller derby team has begged off trying to do it. I honestly could use an outlet I volunteered to take up the cause and set one up. I'm not sure if there are teams in nearby towns we could play against but if we got enough people we could do some playing.

I just need to know who is interested and some ideas for names.

And in the name of curiosity, what is the worst injury you've ever gotten or given yourself? I've been shot a few times and then there was the falling to my death.

I've never actually been to a fair before and I have to say: best kept secret ever.

Anyone want to go again tonight?

It's nothing fancy, but I've decided to open The Roadhouse. If you're looking for a place to drink, shoot pool, and just kind of unwind in a low-key environment, we're your place. First drink on the house for Night Vale displacees.

[ CLAIRE ]

You still interested in a job?

It just HAD to be Hellhounds, didn't it?

that lasted longer than I expected.

Anyone want to get drunk and find a fight?

Okay, I'm bored, traumatised and sore. My boyfriend is fetching ice cream and there's fuck all I want to watch, so I'm sitting here trying not to think about the plants trying to attack again.

So, Night Vale, it's time for some pre-college intrigue. Fuck, Marry, Kill. You say you're in, I'll give you three Night Vale transplants, you pick whom to fuck, marry or kill.

You are welcome to get in on it yourselves, this is officially distraction central.

I just almost shot a Pekingese because it barked at me and freaked me the fuck out.

So that's a thing now, apparently, and I need a drink.

Or maybe a therapi

When this is over, I'm taking up gardening just to have the satisfaction of killing plants, since these fuckers won't die.

[ FRIENDS ]

Everyone doing all right? I'm holed up and running low on ammo. For what good it does.

Speed dating was kind of fun last night. I didn't meet the love of my life, but I enjoyed myself anyway. It was a nice wholesome way to spend a Saturday night.

[Castiel]

I put your shoes next to your bed. Thanks.

Does anyone have experience with making ghosts fuck off?